TORONTO - Bieber fever is more infectious than measles, capable of spreading effortlessly to children in far flung parts of the globe, a new study suggests.
The work, by researchers who use formulas to predict the spread of diseases, suggests Bieber fever may be the most contagious disease of our time, able to infect and re-infect a generation of children. And mathematical models predict it may not abate any time soon.
In fact, only a strong dose of the Lindsay Lohan effect — sustained negative publicity — is likely to extinguish the widespread obsession with musical mega-star Justin Bieber, according to the authors, who hail from the University of Ottawa.
"Tabloid journalism may be our last best hope against total apocalyptic infection," warn master's student Valerie Tweedle and her professor, Robert J. Smith? — that's not a typo, the question mark is part of his name — in a chapter in an upcoming book, "Understanding the Dynamics of Emerging and Re-emerging Infectious Diseases Using Mathematical Models."
Symptoms of Bieber fever include uncontrollable crying and/or screaming, excessive purchasing of memorabilia, distraction from everyday life and poor life choices, such as copying Bieber's signature hairdo, their study suggests.
"Through constant exposure, Bieber fever has incubated and spread. Millions are already infected, with more at risk every day. Action is urgently needed," the authors say.
Urgent action is needed? Seriously? Well, perhaps not.
The study is a real modelling exercise, with the phenomenal growth in Bieber's popularity — as evidenced by Twitter mentions and Google searches — used as a stand-in for the way an infectious disease spreads. Tweedle's original work, on which the chapter is based, helped earned her an A-plus in Smith?'s class.
But the two aren't suggesting the world's youth — or their parents — need to be protected from the Ontario-born Bieber. Nor are they advocating bringing down the baby-faced "Baby" singer with a plague of nasty headlines.
In fact, elsewhere in the study they warn that what has kept Biebermania at a fever pitch is a pulsing pattern of publicity: an attention-generating event like a CD release or a new haircut, followed by a lull, followed by another development to bring the 18-year-old back to the media forefront.
The work suggests all Bieber, all the time would probably lead to Bieber burnout.
"If he's on every magazine cover every month and so on, what eventually happens is of course people say 'Ah, I'm bored of Bieber. He's just everywhere,'" Smith? explains.
"Whereas if they stagger it and so you have a burst of publicity and then you let it breathe for awhile and then you have another burst, in that way you can sustain something that would otherwise die out —almost indefinitely."
Smith? changed his name, legally, to stand out from the hoards of Robert Smiths out there, including in the research world.
If standing out is the goal, his work helps. A couple of years ago Smith? garnered international headlines with an earlier modelling study exploring how the world could survive an attack of zombies.
But back to Bieber.
"Obviously it's not formally a disease, but it has the hallmarks of a disease," Smith? says about The Fever. "And so it behaves the way a disease would."
Case in point: Smith? recently visited a friend's elementary school classroom, where every single nine-year-old knew of Bieber and all but one liked the singer.
He also spent some time in Senegal in April, teaching master's level mathematics to students from across Africa. All his students there knew Bieber as well.
"We do all have this common language now," Smith? says. "We all speak Bieber."
Fans erupt at a Long Island mall where Bieber is supposed to be playing; the chaos causes the event to be canceled.
Screaming girls in Mexico show their disappointment when a Bieber concert sells out in front of their eyes. While the news program is in Spanish, devastation doesn't need translation.
Run, Justin, run! Screaming fans mob the pop star and jump on his car in London.
Justin barely has to do anything to get crowds all riled up in Brazil.
This is one sob story that has a happy ending: three-year-old Cody eventually <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AKEQwvaYI_k" target="_hplink">got to meet Justin Bieber</a>, courtesy of the Jimmy Kimmel Show.
As Britney Spears might say (and from one pop star to the next), "You drive me cray-zay."