Those are the emotions Justice Lori Douglas felt as she found out that her husband, Jack King, shared sexually explicit photos of her.
Her feelings are laid out in personal diary entries released Thursday; the documents are part of a Canadian Judicial Council investigation that could see Douglas removed from the bench.
"Met Jack for lunch. My world collapsed with what he had to tell me," Douglas wrote on June 16, 2003 — the day her husband informed her he had uploaded photos, some of which showed her in bondage gear and performing sex acts, to a website.
King had also shared the photos with Alexander Chapman, who seven years later, filed the complaint against Douglas that is now before the council.
"The day is a blur. I'm so angry with Jack for what he did," Douglas wrote two days later.
As the weeks and months wore on, Douglas continued to write about it in her diary, even after her husband paid $25,000 to Chapman to return all the photos and agree to never talk about the matter. At the time, Douglas and King were lawyers at the same Winnipeg law firm. Unbeknownst to them, Chapman would renege on the deal in 2010 and go public.
"Woke up in the middle of the night, wondering how Jack could have done what he did," Douglas wrote on October 20, 2003.
Douglas is facing four allegations:
— that she sexually harassed Chapman;
— that she failed to disclose the issue when she was screened for a judicial appointment in 2005;
— that she didn't fully disclose some facts to the inquiry and changed a 2003 entry in her personal diary in 2010;
— that the very existence of photos have undermined confidence in the justice system and her ability to act as a judge.
Through her lawyer, Douglas has denied all the allegations. She has said, as has King all along, that King was suffering from a mental breakdown and was acting without her knowledge. King has already been found guilty of professional misconduct. He was fined $14,000 by the Manitoba Law Society, but retains his licence to practise law.
Douglas's lawyer has said Douglas should not be punished for her husband's actions.
The documents released Thursday include emails between King and Chapman, in which King tried to convince Chapman to have sex with Douglas. King had represented Chapman in a divorce case, and started emailing him pictures of Douglas and asking how they looked.
"What do you think? Are you interested?" King wrote in an email to Chapman on May 8, 2003.
"I am making progress. She seems more interested at the moment in another woman + bondage, with her being the one tied up," King wrote three days later.
"She suggested this evening ... that you should be invited out here," King wrote three weeks later.
There is, however, nothing in the documents that show Douglas was part of any communication or even aware of what King was doing. When Chapman filed a sexual harassment complaint against King in 2003 — for which he received the $25,000 settlement — he didn't file a complaint about Douglas.
The only direct contact Chapman and Douglas ever had was during two brief meetings at a downtown bar, which Douglas and King have said were arranged by King without Douglas's knowledge.
In his affidavit released Thursday, Chapman alleges Douglas flirted with him during the second encounter.
"She touched me on my arms a few times, as well as my leg. I also touched her arms," Chapman said in the affidavit. The document contains allegations which have not been proven, and Douglas's lawyer has said she "never laid a finger" on Chapman.
The documents also appear to at least partially refute the allegation that Douglas failed to disclose the controversy when she was appointed a judge in 2005. She would rise to associate chief justice of the Manitoba Court of Queen's Bench, heading up the family court division.
A journal entry listed in court documents as being from Francois Giroux, an adviser to then federal justice minister Irwin Cotler, does not mention the sexually explicit photos. But it does mention the harassment claim. It also seems to note that the story was well-known in Manitoba's legal community.
"Husband, let go from the same firm as Mrs. Douglas. Allegations of mental health troubles," the journal entry, handwritten in French, says.
"Offered to a client the services of his wife without her knowledge. Mrs. stayed with. Made the round of the profession. Situation resolved. Counselling, psychological."
The hearing into Douglas's future will resume July 16, when Chapman is scheduled to testify.
Such inquiries are rare. The judicial council has held them nine times across the country in 40 years. It has only once recommended that a judge be removed.
In 2009, the council recommended to the federal government that Paul Cosgrove be removed as a justice of the Ontario Superior Court due to incompetence and abuse of his powers. Cosgrove resigned before the federal government could make its decision.