For as long as freshly-scrubbed boys have been assembled into crack singing units designed to conquer the hearts and wallets of hot-blooded girls with their harmonies, synchronized dance moves and floppy hair, those same girls have been crafting all sorts of fantastical stories about the objects of their desires and disposable incomes.

But they used to keep these stories in their mattress-hidden diaries. Not no more.

One very lucky One Direction fan, 16-year-old Emily Baker, brought this time-honored tradition to the mainstream when her fan-fiction about a teen trapped in a love triangle with two members of the British boy band was picked up by Penguin last fall. While Baker's tale sounds like a lovely little exploration of wish fulfillment, not everyone who writes fanfic is quite so sweet and publishable, and the One Direction nation are certainly no exception.

Scrape the surface of 1D's fandom and you'll find a seedy underbelly of sex slaves, bed wetting, humans with dog genitalia and rapes committed by beloved talk show hosts.

Here are 12 of the funniest, strangest and most perverse One Direction fanfics that Harry Styles, Zayn Malik, Liam Payne, Niall Horan and Louis Tomlinson have found themselves thrust into — beginning, of course, with Oprah.

Note: All grammar and punctuation from the excerpts is "as-is" from original stories.

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  • HELP Oh

    <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/526071" target="_blank">One Direction seduced by Oprah</a> by Ocrien Excerpt: <em>"Who wants a free lap dance," she says as she shimmies down into her Lane Bryant lingerie she just so happened to have on in case two homosexual young men from a popular boyband were to appear."</em> Louis and Harry's car breaks down and they show up on Oprah's doorstep looking for help. The Big O welcomes them in, but she has ulterior motives that involve plus-size lingerie, dubious consent and, we're assuming, big Os. The author of this fanfic goes to great lengths to point out that the whole thing is a joke, but is that really going to be of any comfort when these images pop into your head in the middle of the night?

  • Behind Closed Doors

    <a href="http://onedirectionfanfiction.com/viewstory.php?sid=59220" target="_blank">Fifty Shades of One Direction</a> by Alice Clearwater Excerpt: <em>"I haven't seen you here in a long while, Sir." The German says. "You are one of our best customers." "I've been in America." "How was it?" "Not as classy." "Of course. What do you desire today, what mood are you in? A show, a handjob, a blowjob, a submissive, a dominatrix, a dancer, a standard, a lap-" "Fifty Shades of Grey," what hell hath you wrought? </em> In this work in progress of Proustian length, a virginal and barely legal Mary Sue accidentally agrees to become a sexual slave (she thought she was auditioning for a modeling gig at Hollister). She's drugged, tested for pain tolerance and gag reflex, and put into a submissive training program, all of which is described in gleeful detail. Then Harry shows up and buys her for Louis. Louis proceeds to whip her (not in the fun way) and throw her down the stairs a lot.

  • Sometimes, Sometimes, Happens

    <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/624291/chapters/1127191" target="_blank">One Direction encounter Justin Bieber in a fantasy universe</a> by QueenMilo Excerpt: <em>I sighed my life sucks, and too top it off Selena won't leave me alone either. She keeps on popping up at random times and dragging me on dates and stuff like bikini shopping, dress shopping; basically anything that draws attention to her or her body. Which would be awesome if I wasn't gay, but since I am it's just a pain in my ass and embarrassing when I don't say the right things.</em> So many hallmarks of fandom and fanfic come together in this occasionally fascinating and constantly counfounding pastiche of vampires, werewolves, self-insertion, fairies, male pregnancy and pop stars. Justin Bieber is in the closet and has a fairy in his head and he befriends the absolutely gorgeous writers of the story and the wicked Selena Gomez keeps trying to get him into bed. And then he meets Zayn Malik who is a werewolf or something and occasionally does it with Niall Horan, who is not his real mate. At least that's what I think is going on. According to the tags, Usher is going to show up at some point.

  • Because You've Got That One Thing

    <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/342199" target="_blank">One Direction meet Russian ice hockey star Alex Ovechkin</a> by medusacascade22 Excerpt: <em>"I am Captain of Washington Capitals. Hockey team that play here." "Oh yeah," the Niall kid says, a crooked toothed grin spreading across his face. He opens the door further, which Alex takes as an invitation to enter. "I've seen the posters. You're bigger is person, don't you think, Harry?" Alex's eyes follow Niall's gesture to a chair in the corner of the room, where the curly boy is reclining lazily. Alex's breath catches in his throat. "Definitely bigger," The boy says, grinning along with his friend. "And quite a bit hairier, too." "I not shave before playoff," Alex says, his fingers immediately flying to his jaw and rubbing against the scraggly hairs there.</em> Apparently hockey and One Direction crossover fic is a thing and this is the zenith of the artform. Alexander Ovechkin, captain of the Washington Capitals, reluctantly attends a One Direction concert at the Verizon Center and then sneaks backstage to meet the boys. Then the wacky Russian tricks Harry Styles into orally servicing him by convincing the young and naive pop star that it's a tradition for traveling acts to kiss him.

  • Love your man, and love him twice

    <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/599314" target="_blank">One Direction member goes into heat during press junket</a> by ItsAThinLine Excerpt: (There's not a single quote from this story that's really appropriate for polite discussion.) Once upon a time, the Supernatural fandom went crazy and gave birth to something called the Omegaverse, an alternate universe in which humans go into heat and need to mate with really obscene and excessive amounts of self-produced lubrication from orifices that don't usually produce such things, canine-like phalluses that develop giant knots at the end, and lots of male pregnancies. And now this madness has been visited upon the One Direction fandom in the guise of a story about how awkward but totally hot things get when Louis goes into heat during a press junket.

  • Red Blood A One Direction Twilight Fanfiction

    <a href="http://www.quibblo.com/quiz/hV_R95u/Red-Blood-a-One-Direction-Twilight-Fanfiction" target="_blank">One Direction as vampires</a> by ilovedanielradcliffe Excerpt: <em>"Well, actually, our manager said that we are taking a break from tour for 3-4 months. We would have stayed in Harry's house but it burned down." Liam says. "That's horrible" Edward says sympathetically. "Yeah, it was. My family burned with it" Harry says.</em> When Bella gets One Direction tickets and backstage passes for her birthday, she discovers that the boys have recently become vampires. She invites them to come stay with the Cullens and an omnishambles of drama and feels erupts. SPOILER ALERT: It is revealed that Carlisle is the one who turned One Direction! Niall falls in the most devastating unrequited love ever with Bella! He kills himself by carving lyrics into his arms! He leaves the other members of 1D a song as part of his suicide note, and has even recorded his portion of the vocals!

  • Saw 1: Larry Stylinson

    <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/475420" target="_blank">One Direction as cast in "Saw"</a> by Krissy_Kream Excerpt: <em>Harry frowns and looks down at his hands. They look like a paper shredder got to them Flaps of skin hang loose and he can actually see some of the muscles in the joints. Maybe that's why Louis asked if he could move his fingers. He gives them a wriggle and they respond painfully. "Yeah... let's make some makeshift bandages" He's seen enough Man vs Wild to know what to do next. Although it doesn't involve him drinking his own piss.</em> In this "Saw" parody, Louis and Harry's love drives Zayn to viciously insane levels of jealousy, and he locks the lovebirds in coffins, forces them to cut up their own hands, and then kills them. What makes this especially tragic is that all of this torture happens just as the couple are about to celebrate their three month anniversary. The author has also written "Saw" parodies featuring Liam and Niall and members of My Chemical Romance if that's more your speed.

  • you know that i'll never leave your side

    <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/650598" target="_blank">One Direction members as cats and dogs... who are lovers</a> by rocketshiptospace Excerpt: <em>"years go on, and louis grows out to be a proper cat (still hyperactive and annoying, and he's also adorable and likely to get away with everything) and nick becomes an actual dog (harry claims he looks a bit like a grumpy hipster. liam definitely agrees with him.) </em> This one isn't so much disturbing as it is perplexing. Humans Harry and Liam buy a cat named Louis and a dog named Nick. Cat Louis and Dog Nick fall in love (although we're spared any details of interspecies copulation) and that, in turn, inspires the humans to fall in love. Then the animals die and we all get our hearts broken and learn lessons about love and life. It's a "Marley and Me" for people who really wish that 40 percent of One Direction were domestic animals.

  • And I Can't Make It On My Own

    <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/672525" target="_blank">One Direction stripper encounter creates drama</a> by valiumcolouredsky Excerpt: <em>He finally slammed his laptop shut and shoved it off the bed. He heard a crash but to be honest, right now, he didn't give a fuck. He just wanted and explanation or a reason as to why Harry had a fucking stripper grinding on him.</em> The recent photos of Harry Styles cavorting with a stripper at his eighteenth birthday party have clearly hit the Larry 'shippers hard. In this fanfic Louis discovers the photos online and it breaks his heart and drives him back to cutting, something he hasn't done since he got together with Harry. But it all ends happily ever after, with Harry finding his poor Louis, apologizing, and showing him all the ways in which he's so much better than any stripper could ever be.

  • Pixie Dust To Make Me Fly

    <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/645755/chapters/1173033" target="_blank">One Direction suicide drama</a> by JuliMarchmallow Excerpt: "But I'm just the girlfriend, why would you want my signature?" Oliv asked humbly. "But you are the Olivianne. The one with cancer who is still alive. A model, no?" Wish fulfillment meets Lurlene McDaniel-style tragedy porn in this epic One Direction/Disney crossover about Olivianne Sesame, a 15 year old Directioneer, who discovers that she has terminal lung cancer, sobs into a Tim Hortons Iced Capp and then meets and falls in love with Harry. She worries that the couple will get in trouble because she's underaged, but Harry says it's all OK because she's so mature. Tags for this story include "cancer," "death," "tragedy" and "sad tags" along with a warning that reads "May contain graphic scenes, gory scenes, swearing, self-harm, alcohol abuse, suicide and death. READ AT OWN WILL!" So you can guess where things go from there.

  • Baby's Coming Back

    <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/619006/chapters/1116801" target="_blank">One Direction toilet training</a> by mcflyand1dfics Excerpt: <em>"Do you need the loo Niall?" 'Niall's face conveyed a look of horror, although they sometimes babied him he was an eighteen year old boy, he could control his own bodily functions. "Don't look so shocked love, it is me and Liam who do the washing and we know about your accidents sometimes' Zayne replied, climbing into the bed.</em> There's a tiny but impassioned subset of the One Direction fanfiction universe that loves age play. Sometimes members of the band are actual children and the others are parents, and sometimes they just pretend to be dads and kids. And then they make out a lot. This one stands out above the rest because it actually involves diaper changes among members of the fivesome. Niall still pees the bed, so Zayne and Liam put him in nappies and give him blankets and soothers. Harry and Louis act as surrogate big brothers in this makeshift family. And then everyone smooches.

  • of men and angels

    <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/609842" target="_blank">One Direction encounter one of Dr. Who's worst enemies</a> by emwrites Excerpt: <em>It's making him paranoid because, as Zayn would say, what if it's all a plot to murder him or summat because if you're going to get to One Direction you've got to get creative and Harry thinks this might just be the most creative and practically impossible method yet, because there can't be too many people willing to lug a stone statue around New York just to frighten him. </em> A Weeping Angel from "Doctor Who" starts following Harry around when One Direction arrive in New York City in this work in progress that combines two of Britain's most frightening modern exports: malevolent creatures who take the form of stone angels and transport you to the past and away from everyone and everything you've ever loved if you so much as blink in their presence... and One Direction.