North America's cities are overrun with hipsters and there's finally help for those who want to avoid them.
Yelp has released hipster maps, including one for Toronto, that can be used to eschew aficionados of pickling, Pabst, pretension, pay-what-you-can, performance art and pretending to know everyone.
It comes as little surprise that the epicentre of hipster culture in Toronto is the Ossington strip between Queen and Dundas. The map also shows a large Bathurst encampment of bearded youths in skinny jeans hunting for restaurants serving artisanal bourbon, offal and things that are raw. In fact, if this map is right, all of Queen Street West will be one massive American Apparel outlet mall before the year is out.
More worrying are signs Toronto's hipsters are breaking the 2011 truce with the city's yuppies not to go north of Bloor (unless they need to visit the suburbs to do laundry at mom's house). Pockets of extreme-irony are visible on several spots along Dupont.
As for Leslieville, where there is a granola and greasy spoon hot spot at Queen and Carlaw, we say let the hipsters have the east side.
Unfortunately, Toronto's Yelp maps, which are based on mentions within reviews, don't include the term "yuppie." But if you're interested in maintaining yuppie-hipster segregation when visiting major U.S. cities, make sure to check out these maps.
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<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/brad-getty/hipster-trends-dads_b_1594657.html" target="_blank">You dad wore jorts before you did</a> and he's got the short frayed denim to prove it. Living the three Rs, he Reused his life-wrecked jeans by Reducing their leg length and Recycling them back into his wardrobe as stylish Danny Dukes. Now every pair of faded favorites could have a second life as his favorite pair of shorts. <strong>SO HIPSTERS,</strong> next time you're riding a fixie in attire you claim is strictly functional because you can carry your keys and U-lock without having your leg movement constricted, remember this... Your dad wore them because he was helping to save the environment before saving the environment was cool.
Your dad had a mustache before you did and he's got a warm upper lip to prove it. His homegrown facial bow tie was the envy-inducing expression of masculinity that confirmed his omega status within the manly community. Looking like two lost caterpillars on his face, that lower nose Picasso got him discounts at hardware stores, heavy machinery rental companies, and lumberyards. <strong>SO HIPSTERS, </strong>when November rolls around and you're splashing Rogaine on your pathetic 'stache or dyeing it black with Just For Men to make it appear fuller, remember this... Your dad has more testosterone than you will ever have and the proof is sitting on his face.
Your dad had unkempt hair before you did and he has the snarled strands to prove it. Long before looking like you just rolled out of bed became fashion-able, your dad's locks were just as out of control as he was. He didn't spend hours meticulously disheveling his hair with $40 product, he earned his look. His lengths were styled with motorcycle joyrides, fistfights, and a touch of "I don't give a fuck." <strong>SO HIPSTERS,</strong> next time you're running your fingers through your nappy strands in front of a dirty mirror in your studio apartment, remember... Your dad's hair made him look so gnar that people assumed he'd killed a man and gotten away with it.
Your dad wore tank tops before you did and he's got the sunburnt shoulders to prove it. As the noncommittal middle ground of wearing or not wearing a chest covering, these shirts screamed summer harder than the bead of sweat dripping down the sunbathing backside of a Daisy Dukes-clad undergrad. He was a true follower of Bauhaus and lived a "less is more" life style every time he slipped his slender frame into one of these lady magnets. SO HIPSTERS, next time you're calling yourself Rave Heart while dancing the night away in your sweaty party tank, remember this... Your dad was a tank in tops. P.S. Your dad ironically ate luxury food when he was poor before you did too.
Your dad wore ugly sweaters before you did and he's got the embarrassing weavings to prove it. Since before Cosby was a prefix for it and parties were themed around it, your dad was rocking these glorious machine-knit pieces. His collection of knit Pollocks and wearable Warhols were the mullets of clothing, formal enough for work, yet wild enough to party in. <strong>SO HIPSTERS,</strong> next time you're digging through the racks at the local thrift store looking for the perfect Cosby sweater for your annually unoriginal ugly Christmas sweater party, remember this... Your dad's awesomeness poured into that sweater first and you're tainting the fibers that once touched greatness. P.S. Sweaters + dance party = holy shit I can smell that hipster before I can see him.
Your dad squeezed into skinny jeans before you did and he's lost the leg circulation to prove it. His physics-defying denim clung to his skin closer than ladies did to his side. Doctors could check his pulse by watching the rhythmic beat of cotton across his femoral artery and his pockets couldn't hold anything more than spare change. <strong>SO HIPSTERS,</strong> next time you're struggling to get into a pair of 511s, remember this... Your dad's jeans were so tight they make yours look baggy.
Colored Knockoff Ray-Bans
Your dad wore neon sunglasses before you did and he's got the $10 knockoff Ray-Bans to prove it. Like a highlighter hugging his eye sockets, his shades were the awesome accent that made him stick out in a crowd. He was a life salmon that swam downstream when everyone else was trying to go up. <strong>SO HIPSTERS, </strong>next time you're hating on the sun with lime green, purple, bright orange, or pink ray blockers that you bought at a gas station, remember this... Your dad stood out, but you just stand in with the crowd.
Your dad wore deep Vs before you did and he's got the plunging collars to prove it. He used his chest hair like a Venus flytrap for lady gazes and made them hotter than a Louisiana summer. SO HIPSTERS, next time you're pulling on a neon American Apparel V-cut shirt, remember this... Your dad was the only man who could ever tell a lady, "My eyes are up here."
Your dad topped it with fedoras before you did and he knows where a killer haberdashery is to prove it. Unlike the 75 IQ baseball hat scarlet letters of the bro class, he insisted his headwear look as intelligent as he was. He could speak with his hat--a quick tip saluted fine honey dips and slight readjustments shunned half-wits. <strong>SO HIPSTERS,</strong> next time you're trying to dress up your skull with some thing other than a beanie, remember this... Your head's way too big to fit into your dad's kind of style.
Your dad was into American Apparel before you and he's got the plain shirts to prove it. He was a monochromatic madman who didn't rep any brand other than his own. He knew all the Pantone numbers and looking into his dresser drawers was like looking into a kaleidoscope of fashion sense. <strong>SO HIPSTERS,</strong> next time you're listening to Sleigh Bells in the dressing room while trying to look indifferent in the mirror, remember this... Your dad inspired the store that millions of you find your basics at. P.S. If millions of people shop at the same store, doesn't that make the store mainstream?
Your dad kept warm in a peacoat before you did and he has the anchor buttons to prove it. Long before you ever strolled into a surplus store to buy your own navy-issued bit of sex appeal, he was making blue wool look hot. <strong>SO HIPSTERS,</strong> next time you're flipping up the collar on your stolen-style outerwear while smoking an American Spirit and looking indifferent to the climate, remember this... Your dad is the reason cold looks hot. P.S. Fat hipsters with beards who wear peacoats look like Paddington Bear.
Next: Regrettable Hipster Tattoos
Yeah, "Alf" was a good show. Glad he's keeping it close to his heart. Like, REALLY close. (Via <a href="http://alltopmovies.com/12-funniest-tv-show-inspired-tattoos/" target="_hplink">All Top Movies</a>)
THIS... IS... STUPID! (Via <a href="http://izismile.com/2009/07/23/14_funniest_tattoos_inspired_from_movies_14_pics.html" target="_hplink">izismile</a>)
Wow. Inked before Swayze's death, this tattoo tribute of him in "SNL" Chippendales attire AND as a centaur of some kind is one of the most ridiculous things we've ever seen! We can't even tell whether that's a good thing or bad thing right now. (Via <a href="http://themovieblog.com/2008/05/swayze-centaur-tattoo" target="_hplink">The Movie Blog</a>)
How could this be? An "Avatar" tattoo? It really can't get any worse. <a href="http://www.geekologie.com/2010/07/unstoppable_avatar_tattoo_guy.php" target="_hplink">OH WAIT</a>. (Via <a href="http://www.geekologie.com/2010/03/why_am_i_not_surprised_an_avat.php" target="_hplink">Geekologie</a>)
2003 called. They want their mildly famous reality show star back. (Via <a href="http://www.maxim.com/humor/stupid-fun/82595/25-really-bad-pop-culture-tattoos.html?p=1" target="_hplink">Maxim</a>)
We're sure Jon Heder would be flattered, but not so sure of the staying power of this movie. (Via <a href="http://chillboxofpics.blogspot.com/2009/08/14-funniest-movies-tattoos.html" target="_hplink">Chill Box Of Pics</a>)
We love "The Joy Of Painting" references as much as the next guy, but this person could have gotten some happy little trees tattooed instead of Bob's giant mug. At least that would be a little easier to explain later. (Via <a href="http://alltopmovies.com/12-funniest-tv-show-inspired-tattoos/" target="_hplink">All Top Movies</a>)
Her hair/career may come and go but this tattoo is forever... (Via <a href="http://listoftheday.blogspot.com/2008/06/21-ridiculous-tattoos-of-celebrities.html">List Of The Day</a>)
Snakes On A Plane
If he was going to go for a cult Samuel L. Jackson movie, he could have at LEAST gotten "Pulp Fiction." (Via <a href="http://www.mirror.co.uk/celebs/news/2008/09/24/jodie-marsh-gets-yet-more-bad-tattoos-this-time-of-michael-jackson-buddy-holly-and-chuck-berry-115875-20750851/" target="_hplink">Mirror.co.uk</a>)
Vampires will NEVER go out of style! ...Right? (Via <a href="http://www.reddit.com/r/pics/comments/csgdj/she_might_regret_this_someday/" target="_hplink">Reddit</a>)
The goatee. The glasses. A Bono tattoo is one thing, but this? This is something else. Something else that's creepy. (Via <a href="http://www.robotvsbadger.com/images/25-celebrity-tattoos/" target="_hplink">Robot Vs Badger</a>)
Come on down! ...To the tattoo removal place in about 10 years. (Via <a href="http://listoftheday.blogspot.com/2008/06/21-ridiculous-tattoos-of-celebrities.html" target="_hplink">List Of The Day</a>)
Ed O'Neil As Al Bundy
It was crass then; it's kitsch now. What's "Married With Children" going to mean to you when you're old and gray? (Via <a href="http://www.robotvsbadger.com/images/25-celebrity-tattoos/" target="_hplink">Robot Vs Badger</a>)
Buffy The Vampire Slayer
The dedication behind this huge back piece is almost admirable, if it wasn't a defunct 90s teen show about vampires. (Via <a href="http://annoyancesandanecdotes.blogspot.com/2009/05/radar-said-no-and-you-can-too.html" target="_hplink">Annoyances And Anecdotes</a>)
Scary Avril Lavigne
We wouldn't even know it was her if it wasn't for the men's tie over a T-shirt look. Good luck explaining this one in 20 years. (Via <a href="http://cityrag.com/2009/03/mct12/" target="_hplink">City Rag</a>)
We hope they realize they'll be having a 'Zack Attack' for the rest of their lives. (<a href="http://www.myspace.com/megaposi" target="_hplink">Via MySpace</a>)
Judging by the inclusion of the face tat, we know this was done AFTER his rape charges. Awesome. (Via <a href="http://isportacus.com/2009/06/01/demon-bird-mothballs-and-other-awful-sports-tattoos/" target="_hplink">I Sporticus</a>)
Criss Angel + Cat
This one would almost be WORSE if it wasn't for the kitty. It's so random that it makes us think there's some thought behind this. But then again, it is a permanent photo of Criss Angel on someone's body. Never mind. (Via <a href="http://cityrag.com/2009/03/mct8/" target="_hplink">City Rag</a>)
Who's The Boss? ...That made you get this awful tattoo? (Via <a href="http://squareeyes.blinkx.com/2009/01/get-inked-ridonk-celebrity-tattoos/" target="_hplink">Sqaure Eyes</a>)
Next: The Most Hipster Neighbourhoods In America
10. Warehouse District, New Orleans, LA
9. The Uptown, Oakland, CA
8. Capitol Hill, Seattle, WA
7. East Austin, Austin, TX
6. H Street Corridor, Washington, D.C.
5. Pearl District, Portland, OR
4. Wicker Park, Chicago, IL
3. Williamsburg, Brooklyn, New York
2. Mission District, San Francisco, CA
1. Silver Lake, Los Angeles, CA