NEWS

A Friendly Olympic Message To Our Neighbours In The United States

02/13/2014 01:08 EST | Updated 02/13/2014 01:59 EST

Dear USA,

You know we'll always love you, but we need to take a break. Every four years we're overcome with a ruthless desire to beat you at every sport involving snow or ice and we just can't pretend that things are "fine" between us anymore.

We'll always have NAFTA, but right now we'd like you to know just one thing -- we're winning. And here's why.

Sincerely, Canada

Our Olympic coverage is so much better



It's so much better that Americans are buying Canadian IPs to watch CBC's feeds



Our sets don't look like this



And we know how to caption a true champion



But we realize not all the problems are within your control. Get well Bob!



Our beer companies don't play both sides



We're even passport screening to make sure only Canadians get free suds



Because frankly, we're not sure you can handle our beer



Which we drink like this



This is Canada beating the U.S. 6-1 to win gold at the first ever Winter Games



Not much has changed

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In 21 Winter Olympics, we've won 8 golds in men's hockey

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You've won 2

salt lake olympics canada hockey

For the women, we've got you beat 3 to 1

medal count canada

Did we mention how good our beer is and how awesome our women are?

medal count canada olympics 2014

medal count canada olympics

And we really think it's time you did something about this

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May we suggest this?

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And considering what's going on in Russia, it would be good to do something about your bans on gay marriage

Constitutional bans on same-sex unions types US

May we suggest this?

medals sochi

While you're at it, maybe fix this too



It might help you perform better



And do something about this

medal count canada

That is all

medal count canada olympics

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