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'Celebrity Apprentice' Season 14, Episode 5 Recap: Not So Smooth Sailing

01/27/2015 10:02 EST | Updated 01/27/2015 10:59 EST

*** WARNING: SPOILER ALERT! ***

All aboard the “Celebrity Apprentice” booze cruise! Don’t forget to bring “America’s First Family” – The Trumps – along for the ride.

According to Kenya Moore, the Trump brand is “synonymous with luxury.” She would know, since she’s “traveled around the world.” By this unofficial creed, this week’s two tasks focused on relatively high-end experiences: an original boat tour of New York City for Circle Line and an interactive display for the Trump National Doral in Miami. Thankfully, the challenges also trimmed the contestant fat to preserve as much drama as possible going forward.

Finally.

Stepping up for the first time, “The Deadliest Catch” star Sig Hansen became the Project Manager for Team Vortex. Had he not been picked, The Donald said he would have been fired. Yet having a real captain on-deck for a nautical task didn’t prevent his group’s downward spiral. Opting to set sail with a ship full of Hooters’ girls on a boat dubbed “The Sexiest Catch” didn’t fit with the company’s family-centric mandate, especially when paired with off-colour political commentary from Geraldo Rivera. But how can you blame Sig? After all, there’s no better way to hear “New York is back! Screw the terrorists, we won!” than to have that proclamation shouted on a vessel full of spandex-clad women. Sounds like winning, doesn’t it?

Voice of reason, and Sig and Geraldo’s teammate, Kate Gosselin doesn’t quite agree.

“This is supposed to be light and fun and entertaining and informative and wonderful,” said Kate, in the world’s longest sentence. “So when Geraldo yelled, “Screw the terrorists!” it was an “oh crap” moment.

Indeed. Though one would expect Sig to know how to steer a ship to victory, instead, he had a meltdown when the bartenders showed up late, and appeared on edge throughout the task. What a loose cannon. While the Vortex concept was certainly original, its branding, entertainment value and cohesion was lost at sea. Over on Team Infinity, Brandi Glanville took the reins as Project Manager, so imagine her chagrin when rival Kenya decided to grab the microphone and add to the variety show with her rendition of an original classic, “Gone with the Wind Fabulous.”

Twirl! Brilliantly cutting back and forth from Kenya’s performance to Brandi’s absolute horror, even this train wreck wasn’t enough to derail Team Infinity from victory.

Predicting her team’s win, Leeza Gibbons, who is too lucid for “Celebrity Apprentice,” was quick to find the flaws in the opposing side.

“Geraldo is like the Teflon man, nothing sticks to Geraldo,” said Leeza. “He's the one behind all these concepts and yet he's such a smart strategist.” Which is precisely why after being at risk of elimination a then five-out-of-eight times, Geraldo stuck around, and Sig was sent to walk the plank before receiving a bonus $25,000 from The Donald for the Coast Guard. Geraldo chipped in for another $50,000.

Next up, we learned The Donald doesn’t wear a wig. In the ultimate display of Trump family pageantry, the real estate baron took the teams to the top of the Trump International Hotel in New York to explain the upcoming challenge.

Let him spell it out for you.

“By the way it's very windy up here - you can see that I do not wear a wig!'

There it is. Switching up the teams, The Donald moved Kenya to Team Vortex to join Vivica A. Fox, Geraldo and Kate, leaving Team Infinity with Johnny Damon, Leeza, EYE-an and Brandi. In another attempt to prove he’s more than a shark-slayer, EYE-an assumed the Project Manager responsibility opposite fellow “Dancing with the Stars” alum Kate.

The convoluted Trump-centric tourism task was further watered down when EYE-an tried to explain his concept to the team. Like his last go at leadership, he spoke mostly in platitudes, which required Leeza to summarize his position to the team.

“Ian has a vision and it’s playing on a screen somewhere in Ian’s head, but I’m not sure that the projector reaches beyond that,” said Leeza.

He also got the name of the Trump National Doral wrong in front of The Donald himself, calling it the “Doral Miami” instead. Naturally, The Donald called him out on it instantly. But missing this product message wasn’t the ultimate bust for Team Infinity, who emerged victorious, proving once again that Team Vortex is more or less the Island of Misfit Toys: Celebrity Edition.

Geraldo’s pants-less! Kate can’t control her team! Kenya and Vivica are feuding! What more do you need when you’re trying to sell a hotel in an innovative way back to its founders?

But in case you were concerned separating Kenya and Brandi would result in a boring Board Room, think again. This time, The Donald egged on Vivica by asking her if he thought Kenya was attractive or beautiful, knowing full well the two didn’t get along. Vivica called her beautiful, but Kenya replied with, “I haven’t had any plastic surgery to my face, and I’m very proud of that.”

Vivica’s rebuttal?

“Stop it, baby. You sittin’ over there with the badonkadonk. That’s fake as hell, so don’t go there. Don’t go there. She didn’t have the boobs done? C’mon, stop that, Kenya. Sitting over there with seven-pack of lashes on. Stop that.”

It’s a high-brow fight, in a literal sense. Instead of getting in the middle of the verbal brawl, The Donald blamed the team’s loss on Project Manager Kate. Sure, she had previously won as Project Manager back in episode two, but how could he spare her when there was so much fighting in front of his eyes? Ah, “Celebrity Apprentice” logic.

Episode 4 Recap

Episode 3 Recap

Episode 2 Recap

Episode 1 Recap

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