Congratulations, everybody: it’s Fashion Week in Toronto, and if you’re reading this, you’re likely seconds from establishing yourself as a tour de force of the upper echelons of social media.
Did that make sense? It doesn’t matter. I make the rules here, and if you want to become an Internet Famous™ please do not look me up on the Internet, and instead trust me when I tell you that I know what I’m talking about. (Seriously: don’t — I’m a professional, that’s all that matters.)
So instead, follow these simple steps and bask in the glow of world domination, one Instagram like and/or #influencer description at a time.
And I mean everything. I want to know what you ate for breakfast. I want to know what shoes you wore while you were eating breakfast. I want to know what you think about breakfast. And I want to know what you think about shoes, in general. And frankly, now that we’re here, I want to know what you think about this post, and about what you’re going to do later, and who you’re doing it with (ew, not that), where you’re going and what you’re wearing and why you haven’t called me back, Jenny, I thought we were friends.
I want to know all of it. I want to know that you think you’re a Kardashian-Jenner and then I want us to move on to stage two.
Not literally. Do not pick me up at my home and ask me to go shopping with you. First, I am probably doing work, and I literally cannot even if you or anybody I know shows up uninvited. (Like, I am working, you know? Leave me be. Let me wear my sweatpants and baseball T-shirts in peace.)
But do take me shopping with you digitally. Snapchat your changing room experience. Instagram your outfits. Tweet about . . . actually, no. Do not tweet about shopping, ever, because nobody cares. But truly act like you are taking your followers and/or fans on a quest. The more Emojis, the better. In fact, if you can make it so your entire shopping experience is via Emoji, that is preferred. Bonus points if you take photos of yourself wearing the worst and most unflattering outfit. Minus points if you brag about looking good in a top I wouldn’t look good in, because I’m a jealous and petty person and I want us all to be #relatable.
Your feeds should be a hard, long look into your soul. Or: your life. Tell us the details of everything you’re thinking, seeing, and doing, including — but not limited to — who’s there, what you’re eating, who you’re posing with, what the person you’re posing with thinks of that filter you’re using, why that person you’re posing with has asked you to stop making them pose with you (spoiler: you’ve never met them before but you really love their boots).
Make it seem like you are the most important person in the room, and then do not let us realize that you are — in fact — posing home alone, playing and replaying the steerage scene in "Titanic" for effect/to make it seem like you are truly the life of this party in third class.
Oh, this? This photo that somebody obviously took of me that I didn’t take myself? This photo here? This one, where I am angled just right and I have no idea how it happened to find its way onto my camera roll? This one where I am just casually walking into frame, as though a professional photographer has taken this and said, "Walk . . . now"? This photo? Or did you mean the one where I’m leaning on a wall and I am very cool didn’t you know, and people just pick up my phone and take my picture all the time because I am truly that casual? Is that what you meant? Sorry, I couldn’t hear you over how casual I am. And by "casual" I do mean "nonchalant."
Smiling is for people who are happy and do not require the validation some of us crave and seek out through social media famousness. Smiling is for joy, not for hours and hours of posing. Smiling is for inner peace, not boots you bought on credit. Smiling is not casual. Smiling is not for influencers. Smiling is not for me, writing this masterpiece, wondering if I should have another cup of coffee or if I should Instagram the Jose Bautista batflip T-shirt I’m wearing or why my cat continues to ignoring me (what did I do?). Smiling is for nobody here. Except for you, checking your Instagram likes.
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