Crop tops, who do they think they are? They’re not better than us, they’ll never be better than us, and yet we look at them and think, "I can’t." How dare they.
Well, here’s a newsflash, friend: you can. You will. And no piece of fancy-looking fabric is ever going to make you feel anything less than powerful because you and I dictate the terms of the outfits we like, and nobody else — you got that? Of course you do, you’re brilliant.
So in the spirit of sounding like Coach Taylor ramping up the moral of whatever-team-it-is-he-coaches-in-"Friday-Night-Lights" (I’ve never seen it), here’s how you can intimidate crop tops right back this summer. So there.
1. Remember: only a certain body type can wear a crop top
And that body type is "yours." Only yours. Worried you won’t look as good as so-and-so on the pages of Just Jared? Stop it. Consumed with agony over looking better than so-and-so on Just Jared? Relax. (Keep your eyes on your own paper.)
I’m convinced and assured that you can wear any piece of clothing you want whenever you want (minus weddings and funerals), provided you wear it with a "I will fight you" type of demeanor. Which means that there’s no right body for a crop top, nor one wrong body. Just wear the damn thing.
2. Remind yourself: “"I own you."
There are only two acceptable instances in which you can make this declaration:
a) When talking to your dog, cat, or beta fish, and
b) When talking to a crop top.
You bought this damn thing. You’re going to wear it. It is yours, and nobody can take that away from you (because it would be stealing). And this means that you can do with it what you like, whether it be pairing it with high-waisted vintage denim shorts or a flowy '90s skirt that somehow still allows you to absorb any/all salt in your general vicinity. (Which I learned when I wore that exact outfit to Beyonce.) So what I’m saying is: this is your boat. You’re the captain now.
3. Remind said crop top that you will high waist it to death
You know what makes a crop top a crop top? The waist of your pants. If your pants (or skirt or shorts — whatever) sit slightly below your boobs, you could wear a regular bra and it would look like a tank. You see where I’m going with this? (Of course you do, you genius treasure.)
If you’re apprehensive about showing "it" (all/any) off, pair your crop with a higher pant line. We’re living in a world rich of wedgie jeans and granny shorts; of elastic waists and "you do you" silhouettes. Your crop top, your rules.
4. When in doubt, overalls
Did you know about this? I ask because it’s brand new information to me. It’s the wearable equivalent of staring your crop top in the face and saying, "You’re not the boss of me." That’s because overalls are like a shield against 99.9 per cent of any and all pathogens. Technically, overalls are a dress and/or a top and/or pants unto themselves. And they can be fitted or they can fit like a large bag, both of which I’m totally behind forever. Plus, there’s the added bonus of deflecting all crop-top related comments: if anyone even tries to mention that you’re wearing a crop-top, you look at them and you look at your crop top and you say, "Please do not invade my choices or my overalls."
5. Point to ponder: remind your crop top that they fit your life
Do you hear us, crops? Cut-off T-shirts? Bralettes? This is our house. (Or houses.) You don’t get a say, nor do you try to make us conform to you. If I want to wear you with mom jeans, I will. If I want to wear you with low-rise cargo pants, I won’t (because I don’t own low rise cargo pants), but I could if I wanted to.
So remember this: if anybody ever, for any reason, has an issue with your crop top, you look at them right in the face and you shake your head in sorrow, for they will never understand the majesty of wearing whatever they want and being the boss of their own wardrobes. Before my crop top summer (see: summer '16), I said I was "too old" or "they weren’t for me." But that was a lie — a terrible lie. You are never too old, you are never the wrong size, and anything can be for you if you want it to be. (At least in terms of clothes.) My only rule of thumb? JK, I don’t have any.
This is your crop top, thank you.