You guys, she’s just being Kylie. (And other phrases I have been waiting my whole life to use.)
Which is why on this, a July day in 2016, I finally relented and decided to live just like a Jenner too.
Granted, I don’t have the cars or the money or the mansion or an on-again/off-again relationship with Tyga (that you know of — JK, don’t sue me, he and I have never met), but I do have lipstick and a face on which to put on more makeup. Add to this my limited access to athleisure, and we’ve got the recipe for trying to look and/or be just like the social media star/businesswoman in all the right-ish ways.
So behold: my social media experiment. How realistic is it to live like Kylie Jenner? I am finally answering that question right here and now.
Step 1: Nails
Here’s what we know about Kylie’s nails: they are very long, and they are also not her actual nails. And good on you, anyone who lives the gel life. It is not for me, I’m on a budget, and that’s why I’m already in murky waters. So, on the flip side: my nails are my nails, and because they’re long I’m very tempted to tell you they aren’t and I did it — I committed to gels — and now I have Kylie nails, too.
But in reality, they are just an extension of my actual hands, and aside from using gel nail polish, that’s all I’ve got. I’m used to them and we get along great and currently I’ve got gold nail polish on so I’m feeling fancy. Which means this isn’t really about Kylie, it’s about me, which is my favourite way to make most things.
Realistic? These are my real nails, yes.
Step 2: Lipstick
I had to unfollow Kylie on Snapchat a while ago because, a) I do not need to see so much lip syncing on my feed, and b) I will never buy one of her Lip Kits because anything that causes a lot of unnecessary pandemonium makes me feel weird.
But fortunately, NYX has a line of liquid lipstick that I’ve been wearing for a while, which is especially great because I hate lip liner and refuse to wear it, and these particular colours don’t tend to bleed.
So I threw some on, and had mixed results. On the one hand, it did its job: I looked like I was wearing thick, matte, '90s lipstick. On the other hand, the combination of it being warm out and me re-applying too much made me feel like I was wearing no less than eight dozen layers which feels terrible. It’s not great. Currently, I’m wearing Lip Smackers though, so I am technically 12 which arguably makes my points invalid.
Realistic? Yes, provided you are never compelled to re-apply more than once every hour. Otherwise, I’m sorry and goodbye.
Step 3: Hair length
The thing about long hair is that I don’t have it anymore. I’m sorry, but also I’m not at all because I’ve wanted a blond bob forever and finally had the #courage to just go for it. (I am very brave.)
Though before I cut it all off and dyed it blond, I tried to live that layered-under-a-baseball-hat-life. And TBH: it was fine. It was back in February, it was paired with a Calvin Klein sweatshirt, and while I did and do not physically look like Kylie Jenner in any way, I understood why she’s made the look her go-to — especially since the hat really brings it all together. Which is probably why I bought so many in time for Jays’ opening weekend — and can’t really wear them now without my hair looking very flat and/or just not great.
Realistic? Wigs cost hundreds of dollars, so unless you’ve got yourself a wig budget, you are working with what you have. And if you have hair that won’t go flat under a hat, then own that length and buy those hats and embrace your new truth. However, if you are me, this reality is not yours and you should buy all the texturizing spray in the world, good day to you.
Step 4: #Flawless makeup
I’m about to deliver the most shocking news in the history of time and space: you can easily get Kylie Jenner’s flawless complexion, provided you either already have a flawless complexion or you never stop standing directly over the air conditioning vent like my cat does when he gets warm. Mainly because, regardless of how great your makeup might be, you have a human face and only a professional makeup artist will ensure you look camera ready 24/7. And even then, it’s not always a guarantee.
Which, honestly, is fine. Are we human? Or are we super preoccupied with the way our faces look? Truth is, nobody’s perfect (duh), and re-applying enough to look that way will just cut into your day. Plus, Kylie Jenner is a wee tiny baby teen — she’s going to look better than us because she didn’t spend her 20s (yet) crying at the American Eagle cash register, wondering where it all went wrong. The bags and spots? They’re badges of honour of a life lived. She’s still so young.
Realistic? Do you have a makeup artist with you constantly? Then let the dream die. We are grown-ass women freaking out over a teenager’s perfect skin. Let her live. Then let us live. Help us everyone.
Step 5: Athleisure
The best for last. The creme de la creme. The quickest way to Jenner up and feel just like a Calabasas famous. Currently, I’m wearing an Adidas hoodie and am convinced a paparazzi is going to pull up in front of my house to capture me in all my glorious essence. Also, and most importantly, I am very comfy.
And honestly if Kylie Jenner gives us anything, may it be increased permission to feel cozy for once in our goddamn lives. We’re tired. We work hard. Sometimes the idea of looking fancy is the most depressing thought in the world. So if Kylie can wear hoodies and crewnecks and sweatpants, why not the rest of us? Exactly. Girlfriend scored that Puma campaign for a reason, and that is what I will scream when I wear joggers six days in a row.
Realistic? Too realistic. I resent denim now.