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Alyson Schafer

Parenting expert

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Talking to Your Kids About a Tragedy

Posted: 12/18/2012 12:23 pm
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We were all shocked by the mass shooting of innocent children and teachers in Newtown, Connecticut. While the police investigate the events and motives that led to this horrific crime, we parents are left to not only deal with our own emotions, but also to help our children make sense of this tragedy, too. Here is some of what I have been sharing with parents through the various media outlets...

What kids really need to know:

  • Parents need to decide how much their children should know about this event. That decision should be made based on the child's age, the likelihood of their learning about the events independently, and whether this is a personal or community event rather than world news or current events.

  • If you have a young child living outside the community affected, and its unlikely they will hear about this event through peers or social media, I say don't mention it at all. They don't need their world view shattered.

  • If you have children in the Connecticut area, they will likely know something terrible has happened. Things just won't be normal. Adults are crying, stores are closed, flags are flying at half mast. Parents need to tell their children something is amiss, otherwise they will be forced to make sense of these changes on their own -- and who knows what they'll decide without proper information. Likewise, if your children are older and on Facebook or Twitter, you can bet they know. Let's face it, with social media, information travels so fast now. But so does misinformation.

  • The bottom line: I wish your children didn't hear about this event, but, if they are going to, you have to be their ally in making sense of the news.

But what are parents to tell them?:

That is the questions on everyone's mind. Parents know best what their own child can handle. There is a range of sensitivities in children and only a parent knows their child well enough to know what they can handle. The rules you need to apply are as follows:

  • Be truthful. No lies. You can omit information, you can say you don't know, you can make sweeping general comments, but don't give misinformation. Why? Because if you do, your children will eventually find out and you will have eroded their trust in you, something they desperately need especially in times such as these.

  • Only share what they need to know and can manage emotionally. Watch as you talk to see if they are coping with the information. If they say "stop" or look visibly disturbed, follow their cues. You can lighten re-visit the issue later or lighten up the message.

Here are some examples of variations on the essential message that show various levels of disclosure:

  • "There was a great tragedy in a little town far away. Many children died unexpectedly so everyone is sad."
  • "There was a terrible tragedy in the town Newtown, Conneticut in the United States. Many children were killed unexpectedly by a gunman who then shot himself. Everyone is in shock and grieving."
  • "There was a terrible tragedy. Twenty children and six teachers were shot and killed in their school by a young gunman who was not in his right mind. He was someone who was mentally ill, and he went on a rampage. He shot his mother at home and then broke into the school she taught at and fired into two classrooms before killing himself. That's all we know at the moment. It is shocking freak incident and we are trying learn why and how this could have happened.

Regardless of which "version" you think your child is capable of handling, be sure to also listen to what they are making of the events. Children can connect the dots in very interesting ways, like: "I was really mean to Jesse at recess yesterday; I guess that is why they shot him." Imagine if your child thought such a thing and you didn't know? We need to hear what they are thinking so we can correct such faulty ideas.

Lastly, we have to help our children retain their belief that people are good and life is safe. To do so, we need to explain how rare and freakish this event is. We need to instead shine a spotlight on all the hundreds and thousands of acts of heroism and kindness that our fellow community members have made. He was ONE shooter, but almost everyone has shown loving kindness, is reaching out, is helping families, and showing support. The teachers, doctors, police and more all did wonderful things!

This also provides a chance to ask our children, "what would you like to do?" By writing a card, drawing a picture, making a donation, sending a teddy bear, lighting a candle at home, or saying a prayer, we show our children how they can care for others too. This helps empower them so they don't feel simply like passive victims of life events. It is part of the healing process. We all have to make meaning from the events -- parents and children alike.

So, let's count our blessings and hug our children tonight.

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  • Barack Obama

    President Barack Obama arrives at the start of an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012 at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

  • Barack Obama

    President Barack Obama greets Gov. Dannel Malloy during his arrival at the start of an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012 at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/The Hartford Courant, Stephen Dunn, Pool)

  • Barack Obama

    President Barack Obama pauses during a speech at an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012 at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/ Evan Vucci)

  • Barack Obama

    President Barack Obama walks off after delivering a speech at an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012 at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

  • Barack Obama

    President Barack Obama speaks during an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012 at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/ Evan Vucci)

  • Barack Obama

    President Barack Obama greets State Senate Minority Leader John McKinney, R-Fairfield, on his arrival, before the start of an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting inside the Newtown High School auditorium in Newtown, Conn., Sunday night, Dec. 16, 2012. A gunman walked into the elementary school Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/The Hartford Courant, Stephen Dunn, Pool)

  • Barack Obama

    President Barack Obama pauses as he delivers a speech during an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into the elementary school Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

  • Barack Obama

    President Barack Obama speaks during an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012 at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/The Hartford Courant, Stephen Dunn, Pool)

  • Barack Obama

    President Barack Obama pauses as he delivers a speech at an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012 at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

  • Barack Obama

    Residents pray during an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into the elementary school Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/ Evan Vucci)

  • Barack Obama

    President Barack Obama pauses as he delivers a speech at an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012 at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/ Evan Vucci)

  • Barack Obama

    President Barack Obama pauses as he delivers a speech at an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012 at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School on Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/ Evan Vucci)

  • US-SCHOOL-SHOOTING-MEMORIAL

    US President Barack Obama makes his way off the stage after speaking at a memorial service for the victims and relatives of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on December 16, 2012 at the Newtown High SChool in Newtown, Connecticut. Twenty-six people were killed when a gunman entered Sandy Hook Elementary and began a shooting spree. AFP PHOTO/Mandel NGAN (Photo credit should read MANDEL NGAN/AFP/Getty Images)

  • Barack Obama

    President Barack Obama walks off stage after delivering a speech at an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012 at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School on Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

  • Barack Obama

    President Barack Obama pauses as he delivers a speech during an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into the elementary school on Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

  • US-SCHOOL-SHOOTING-MEMORIAL

    US President Barack Obama pauses as he speaks during a memorial service for the victims and relatives of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on December 16, 2012 in Newtown, Connecticut. Twenty-six people were killed when a gunman entered Sandy Hook Elementary and began a shooting spree. AFP PHOTO/Mandel NGAN (Photo credit should read MANDEL NGAN/AFP/Getty Images)

  • Barack Obama

    President Barack Obama returns to the White House in Washington after attending an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012 at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School on Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Jacquelyn Martin)

  • Barack Obama

    Residents greet each other before the start of an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012 at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

  • Barack Obama

    Air Force One carrying President Barack Obama is seen leaving Bradley Air National Guard Base in East Granby, Conn., Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012. The president was in Connecticut to attend a memorial for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting where 26 people, including 20 children, were killed Friday. (AP Photo/Jessica Hill)

  • Julie LaPak, right, and Scott Emslie, of Newton, Conn., watch President Obama delver his speech at the Iron Bridge restaurant, Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012 in Newtown, Conn. (AP Photo/Mary Altaffer)

  • A mourner looks on during an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012 at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

  • Surendra Khera, left, Manjaree Daw, center and Indira Khera, of Simsbury, Conn., watch President Obama deliver his speech at the Iron Bridge restaurant, Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012 in Newtown, Conn. The president spoke during an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting. A gunman walked into the elementary school Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Mary Altaffer)

  • Barack Obama

    Residents look on as President Barack Obama delivers remarks at an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into the elementary school Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/ Evan Vucci)

  • A mourner weeps while listening to President Barack Obama speak on a loudspeaker while sitting outside a memorial at Newtown High School for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting, Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, in Newtown, Conn. (AP Photo/David Goldman)

  • C.J. Singh, center, and other members of the Sikh community hold a candlelight vigil outside Newtown High School before an interfaith vigil with President Barack Obama, Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Jason DeCrow)

  • Residents hold a candlelight vigil outside Newtown High School after President Barack Obama delivered remarks at an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into the elementary school Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/ Evan Vucci)

  • A young boy places a candle with others at the base of a flagpole outside Newtown High School before an interfaith vigil with President Barack Obama, Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Jason DeCrow)

  • Eknoor Kaur, 3, stands with her father Guramril Singh during a candlelight vigil outside Newtown High School before an interfaith vigil with President Barack Obama, Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Jason DeCrow)

  • Members of the Sikh community hold a candlelight vigil outside Newtown High School before an interfaith vigil with President Barack Obama, Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Jason DeCrow)

  • U.S. Sen. Joseph Lieberman, I-Conn., top right, Rep. Rosa DeLauro, D-Conn., left, Sen-elect Chris Murphy, center, and Lt. Gov. Nancy Wyman, right, wait for the arrival of President Barack Obama before the start of an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting inside the Newtown High School auditorium in Newtown, Conn., Sunday night, Dec. 16, 2012. A gunman walked into the elementary school Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/The Hartford Courant, Stephen Dunn, Pool)

  • Residents look on during an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into the elementary school Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. President Barack Obama is schedule to speak during the vigil. (AP Photo/ Evan Vucci)

  • Barack Obama

    Residents greet each other before the start of an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into the elementary school Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. President Barack Obama is scheduled to speak during the vigil. (AP Photo/ Evan Vucci)

  • Barack Obama

    Residents greet each other before the start of an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into the school Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. President Barack Obama is to scheduled to speak at the event. (AP Photo/ Evan Vucci)

  • Residents look on during an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into the elementary school Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. President Barack Obama is scheduled to speak during the vigil. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

  • Barack Obama

    Residents greet each other before the start of an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012 at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/ Evan Vucci)

  • People wait in line to attend an interfaith vigil with President Barack Obama, Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Jason DeCrow)

  • Barack Obama

    Residents greet each other before the start of an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012 at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/ Evan Vucci)

  • People arrive at Newtown High School to attend an interfaith vigil with President Barack Obama, Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown on Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Jason DeCrow)

  • Residents greet each other before the start of an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012 at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

  • Kayla Hopson and her daughter Lilliana, 9, left, and Janine Caswell and her daughter Genesis, 8, stand wrapped in Red Cross blankets to protect themselves from the cold, rainy weather as they wait in line to attend an interfaith vigil with President Barack Obama, Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Jason DeCrow)

  • Residents wait for the start of an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012 at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

  • Eight-year old Shayne Frate, a third grade student at Sandy Hook Elementary School, hangs from her mother Valerie's back, wrapped in a Red Cross blanket to protect her from the cold, rainy weather, as she waits in line to attend an interfaith vigil with President Barack Obama, Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Jason DeCrow)

  • People wait in line to attend an interfaith vigil with President Barack Obama, Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown on Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Jason DeCrow)

  • Residents wait for the start of an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012 at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

  • Red Cross volunteer Michael Cianciolo distributes blankets to protect people from the cold, rainy weather as they wait in line to attend an interfaith vigil with President Barack Obama, Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Jason DeCrow)

  • Red Cross personnel provide blankets, water, snacks and even stuffed toys to keep people comfortable as they wait in line to attend an interfaith vigil with President Barack Obama, Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Jason DeCrow)

  • Residents wait for the start of an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012 at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/Evan Vucci)

  • Barack Obama

    Residents greet each other before an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012 at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/ Evan Vucci)

  • Barack Obama

    Residents greet each other before an interfaith vigil for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting on Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, at Newtown High School in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into the elementary school Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/ Evan Vucci)

  • A U.S. flag flies at half staff outside the Newtown High School before President Barack Obama is scheduled to attend a memorial for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting, Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/David Goldman)

  • People wait in line to enter Newtown High School for a memorial vigil attended by President Barack Obama for the victims of the Sandy Hook Elementary School shooting, Sunday, Dec. 16, 2012, in Newtown, Conn. A gunman walked into Sandy Hook Elementary School in Newtown Friday and opened fire, killing 26 people, including 20 children. (AP Photo/David Goldman)


 

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