Today is World Suicide Prevention Day. If you weren't aware, worry not. If you have a pulse, you're doing your part to celebrate. There was a time not too long ago where I wasn't planning on being around for the occasion.
I am a suicide survivor.
I'd love to say that this honorific comes from an unfortunately spontaneous moment in my adolescence following an F in biology, but the incident in question happened nearly two years ago. Despite a happy family life and a rapidly growing career in media, I wanted out.
On December 9, 2010, I went to a public washroom, downed a container of pills and counted down what I thought were my final hours. Tomorrow was never supposed to come.
Though I didn't become one of the 4,000 deaths by suicide in Canada that year, I came close. My overdose put me in critical care for several weeks, comatose, and I needed to be repeatedly resuscitated after four cardiac arrests. I was dead for 90 minutes.
This wasn't a spur of the moment decision. It was planned -- for a couple of weeks, in fact. In the time leading up to my attempt, I knew when and how I was going to do it. Regardless, I spent time with family, friends and co-workers, not to mention making national television and radio appearances. No one knew anything was wrong. No one was supposed to.
Surviving an attempt has its own difficulties. In addition to dealing with the emotional issues that led to the decision, I was forced to deceive those I cared about as to the reason for my hospitalization.
My decision to reveal this was rooted in my frustration at society's stigma towards those with mental illness and the lack of understanding about suicide. Sure, there are risk factors for suicide attempts, but the urge to die and the willpower to act on it can fall upon anyone. Rich or poor, black or white, male or female, university educated or high school drop-out.
For me, a white, middle-class male with a university education, a loving family and a good job, most would assume suicide was the last thing on my mind. Had I decided to reveal my deathly desire to a loved one, I would have been hit with any number of clichés: "You have so much going for you," "You have people who love you," "The world is your oyster," etc.
All of them would be true. The fact is, none of that mattered.
To explain my reasons for trying to commit suicide in a single blog would be impossible, but the easiest way to sum it up is to say that I felt a lack of direction in my life. Several projects I had been working on had come to an end there was a perceived void in my life as a result.
My suicide attempt was not logical, but it was calculated. I knew what I was doing and I knew what I wanted. My refusal to seek help was simply because I didn't want help. Having now had a glimpse of our country's mental health system from the inside, I know it needs work. It also needs money. But our country's biggest hurdle toward mental wellness is not a lack of funding, it's a lack of understanding.
The first step to eliminating suicide is in understanding its indiscriminate nature. Despite the success of the "It Gets Better" campaign, suicide affects a broader group than gay teenagers. The media inundates us with cases of gay teenagers who commit suicide, but ignores the painful reality that adolescence can be just as difficult for straight kids.
The second step is recognizing that mental illness is, as its name suggests, a form of illness. Of all who have opened up to me about their struggles with depression and other afflictions, none seem to have chosen it. "Just smile" is hardly a prescription for the suicidal, but it seems to be the best advice many are able to offer.
To those with family members or friends struggling, reach out and let them know you care. Let them know it's okay to seek help. To those in distress, you're not alone. Asking for help is a show of strength, not weakness.
I won my battle with suicide, but the war wages on. Let's end it.
Are you in crisis? Need help? In Canada, find links and numbers to 24-hour suicide crisis lines in your province here.
Follow Andrew Lawton on Twitter: www.twitter.com/AndrewLawton
Are you comfortable with yourself are you happy in your solitudes?
Modern society invades our ability to be loners. That for some is a very precious thing.
Either way your not alone many of us are stressed by what they are doing.
Try reading Party-One-The-Loners-Manifesto. If nothing else its a quick distraction.
Nothing wrong with being singular.
Thank you for having taken the time to interact.
I know it does precious little to help those who feel they should have known, but in case it can change a certain perception... In deciding to walk away from life I would make that decision invisibly and out of the perception of those around me to the absolute best of my ability. If I was successful in achieving my goal, those who surround me would never know.
Suicidal ideation is a natural response to a world where "fashion has replaced tradition, so that involuntary membership in a society can no longer provide a feeling of community" (W.H Auden).
We shouldn't kid ourselves about the ability of any of our institutions to make up for this shortfall in what was the natural birthright of all humans for millennia.
How mass would a suicide have to be to impact GDP?
should be discussed as well, as people who are suffering through a depression often feel suicidal
and experience feelings of hopelessness. I think the topic of suicide can be discussed calmly.
The thought of anyone feeling so hopeless that they take there own life is so sad. What is
particularly sad is hearing about young people who take their own life. I heard about a young man
who was about 10 or 11 who was constantly bullied. He couldn't stand the bullying anymore and
took his own life. I think there should be trained therapists available or on call to counsell people
who are feeling distressed and need to talk. I know in Canada there is the Children's Help Phone
which is an amazing service. When I was in high school , we had guidance counsellors who you
could make an appointmnet with. I also feel if the topic of suicide and depression were included
as part of health classses in high school, this might prevent teenage suicides as well.
about suicide is a good one and an idea which makes a lot of sense. Another idea which
may work is incorporating the topic of suicide in a high school health class. I'm a retired primary
teacher, so I'm not aware whether health classes are mandatory for every high school student.
If health classes are still mandatory for every student, they were when I went to high school,
, the topic of suicide could be an issue which could be discussed as part of the health curriculum. Perhaps common symptoms of people contemplating suicide could be discussed in these health classes so high school students are aware of these symptoms.It's just a thought. I think this might be helpful. I had a banner in my classroom that said" Knowledge is Power." Suicide needs to be discussed. The statistics don't lie. The worst thing we can do is pretend it's not happening because it is. Such knowledge of common symptoms of people contemplating suicide may say lives. I hope your open dialogue about suicide works.Talking about suicide is an open forum is important. Just the idea of anyone taking their own life is heart breaking because as my wonderful dad always said to me when I was growing up," There's always a way to solve your problems that doesn't involve taking your own life." Words to live by.
We at www.need2.ca go into middle and high schools and have conversations with classes about suicide in order to help youth gain the confidence to ask their friends if there is a problem and find the appropriate resources for themselves if necessary. It is a difficult subject, but we have found we may be the only presentation youth ever get in school about suicide. Last year we reached 2200 youth in our community and are scheduling more school visits now for the Fall.
Yes your dad's statement is wonderful too. Thanks for your response.
'Suicide doesn't end pain; it lays it on the broken shoulders of those that are left behind.'
I don't recall whether that was the exact wording, but I've had many years to ponder the thought behind it.
I think there's no greater burden to a spouse, a child, a dear friend or a parent, than to realize they weren't worth sticking around for. That they weren't even worth the effort to try sticking around for.
And although I sometimes question whether my death would change the world itself in any substantial way, I know it would utterly destroy my children. For them, I would hang on, no matter what; ending my pain would result in the beginning of theirs.
One person shouldn't do that to another.
I think too, that if people were so concerned about how another persons actions would affect them, they would work together to ensure harmony rather than allow discord, and situations like this wouldn't happen. Unfortunately, we're not perfect creatures, someone's going to hurt enough about something that another would find "trivial" that suicide is not foreseen as an alternative.
There are so many variables at work to take a person to a place where death seems much more agreeable than the way life is. I'm not saying that's a right choice, but if there's no help, no understanding (people are busy, have lives, problems, and so on.. who's got time for some else's issues?), then one can see that the suicidal person doesn't believe their actions will affect anyone, because no one (due to the persons despair) seems to care about them anyways.
It's about pain. Pure and simple. Suffering is suffering, no matter the route taken to get there.
Can you not hear how what you said, sounds? Put yourself in your worst moment, a moment where you actually want to die. And someone says what you posted above to you.
Compassion. Empathy. Understanding. Courage. These things are needed by those who are suicidal.. and you would feed them those wonderfully thoughtful and compassionate words "suicide is for weak minded people who can't cope with stress..." .
WELL DUH. No kidding.
And selfish.. pal, you're writing the book on that one.
So sure, continue to think and say that suicide is selfish and simply an inability to cope - God help any family or friends who might be suffering, because you might just be the one to fine the note that tries to explain what they couldn't talk about in person.
Your neighbour in Canada
totally identify. You say in your post, " you need to be strong and get some help". Truer words
were never spoken. I wish you peace in your healing journey.
Hope is paramount.
When I lived near San Francisco in the early 1980's, I had a friend whose son jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge ... he was 20 something. About ten years ago there was a documentary on the Bridge and I knew they would get to the suicides ... thankfully, they did.
There was a young man who had jumped and miraculously survived (I have sailed under that bridge and it seemed so so far away) ... he said right after he plunged over he said "Oh, my God, what have I done."
A psychiatrist said something that stays with me until this moment ...
"PEOPLE THAT COMMIT SUICIDE DON'T WANT TO DIE ... THEY DON'T THINK THE PAIN WILL EVER GO AWAY."
Due to choices my abusive ex-husband made, I sat in the bathtub more than once, sobbing with a razor in my hand ... that quote saved me to evolve into a fabulous life.
Please pass this on.
Cliches don't help: I'm not sure what does when someone decides that suicide is the most logical step. I think prevention is about stopping people from considering suicide as a logical next step to begin with. That too, seems an impossible task.