I am a widow. I suffered a tragic loss and my life changed forever. I went from married to widowed in the blink of an eye. My kids went from two parents to one parent in the blink of an eye. I became a widow, a single mom and a woman that lost her way. I joined a sisterhood that no one wants to belong to. I became a statistic that no one wants to be a part of. I lost a huge part of my identity and struggled to face each day. I lost friends that I assumed would be there to help me as I struggled to regain my life.
Friendships, I learned, are not immune to grief. Despite what you may think, some friends will leave you when you need them the most. Perhaps they don't know what to say or how to act. Maybe they are afraid to deal with your sadness and grief. Maybe they're afraid that widowhood is contagious and will happen to them. I do not know the answers. All I know is that I am surprised at how friendships changed when I needed them the most.
I decided to ask some widowed friends about their friendships. Did friendships change after their spouses died? Did people treat them different now that they were widows?
I quickly learned that I am not alone. The other widows faced unique but also similar circumstances with their friends. Following are quotes from a couple widows that I spoke to:
"...my friend admitted a feeling of guilt after my hubby died."
"...my cleaning lady lost her husband and now she will not talk to me."
"I've stopped telling people that I am a widow."
"You really find out who your friends are and aren't. Family too. It is quite the eye opener. Breaks a lot of trust."
"You remind your friends of what can happen. Also you are technically single now and they see you are a threat to their husbands."
"It is hurtful how people disappear."
"I have a friend that is afraid that her life will end up like mine."
The following comment came from a woman that lost her son:
"I did lose friends. I was told they 'couldn't handle it' and did not know how to act around me."
After speaking to people in similar situations, I now realize that in many cases, friendship and grief do not mix. Whether you have been friends for six months or 30 years, you do not know how your friendship will hold up during a crisis. Some friends step up and the bond becomes unbreakable while other simply disappear from your life.
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Dalai Lama
"It is worth remembering that the time of greatest gain in terms of wisdom and inner strength is often that of greatest difficulty."
Eleanor Roosevelt
"You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself 'I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.' You must do the thing you think you cannot do."
Henry Rollins
“Scar tissue is stronger than regular tissue. Realize the strength; move on.”
Jean de la Fontaine
"Sadness flies away on the wings of time."
John Steinbeck
"Don't worry about losing. If it is right, it happens. The main thing is not to hurry. Nothing good gets away."
Red Skelton
"No matter what your heartache may be, laughing helps you forget it for a few seconds."
Alexander Graham Bell
"When one door closes another door opens; but we so often look so long and so regretfully upon the closed door, that we do not see the ones which open for us."
Lord Alfred Tennyson
“Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all."
Napoleon Hill
"Every adversity, every failure, every heartache carries with it the seed of an equal or greater benefit."
Robert Frost
"In three words I can sum up everything I have learned about life: It goes on."
Dolly Parton
"If you're feeling low, don't despair. The sun has a sinking spell every night, but it comes back up every morning."
Anonymous
"If someone you love hurts you, cry a river, build a bridge, and get over it."
Len Santos
"Letting go has never been easy, but holding on can be as difficult. Yet strength is measured not by holding on, but by letting go."
Oprah Winfrey
"You are responsible for your life. You can't keep blaming somebody else for your dysfunction. Life is really about moving on."
Sufi Epigram
"When the heart grieves over what is has lost, the spirit rejoices over what it has left."
Dr. Seuss
"Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened."
Byrd Baggett
“Look at life through the windshield, not the rear view mirror.”
Kahlil Gibran
"March on. Do not tarry. To go forward is to move toward perfection. March on, and fear not the thorns, or the sharp stones on life's path."
Victoria Holt
“Never regret. If it’s good, it’s wonderful. If it’s bad, it’s experience.”
Difficult Times
<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Kate_Crisp"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/605537370/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Kate_Crisp">Kate Crisp</a>:<br />"The most difficult times for many of us are the ones we give ourselves."
— Pema Chödrön (When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times)
William Shakespeare
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Helping others
<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Pema"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/100000965308501/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Pema">Pema</a>:<br />What we do for ourselves dies with us, what we do for another, remains eternal.
Anon
TWO SOULS MEET
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Pure Bliss
<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Greg_Popiel"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/100000351840270/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Greg_Popiel">Greg Popiel</a>:<br />Pure Bliss is living your dream: a life of purpose, contribution, service.
Bobby Warren
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Bobby Warren
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Bobby Warren
<a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Bobby_Warren"><img style="float:left;padding-right:6px !important;" src="http://graph.facebook.com/100001310458116/picture?type=square" /></a><a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/social/Bobby_Warren">Bobby Warren</a>:<br />Life isn't about consistency its about change
2nd Lt. Jose Delfin Estenor Khe
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I now see that I likely did more harm to our friendship then any good, but those weren't my intentions.
Sorry for you loss.
And we are all human, therefore susceptible to betrayal, the right (or wrong) circumstances makes all of us vulnerable to poor choices.
My comment is more about the rights and responsibilities of being married and having a family: they are our number one priority not our friends. We have to protect our marriages by not inviting trouble.
A friend is a person who knows you behaved like a complete fool on Tuesday night, but are still your friend on Wednesday.
The wise thing in life is to learn how to distinguish the two.
Friends are like leaves, they fall everywhere. TRUE friends are like diamonds, so precious and rare.
She still talks about her dad and issues with her loss, and I'm always there to listen. I don't say "I know how you feel", because I don't, but I say "I understand" and I sit and I listen. It's not hard. And it means the world to her to have someone care about her.
If someone abandons a friend when death occurs, It's the most selfish and reprehensible thing you can do to abandon someone because you don't know how to act. You simply tell the person "I am sorry, and I am not sure how to handle this. I am here if you need me," and then give them a call now and again and say "How are you doing?" and let them talk or not talk if they so choose.
It's not hard, but some people are incapable of being decent human beings.
Also, when my mother went through multiple major surgeries, the same thing happened. Those who came to visit her and asked how she was doing remained friends, those who never visited and skirted around her health when they spoke to her, she has lost respect for and doesn't often speak to. Some abandoned her because apparently having multiple knee replacements is contagious.
I'm going out with that friend tonight, so I'll be thinking of you, as well. I hope that every day is a little brighter than the last.
That's part of it in how your relation can change with respect to other "couples friends" but I think also its because you're a reminder of they're loss of a friend and they're a reminder of your loss of a partner.
I drifted away from many previous "couples friends" for both reasons. Introducing a new partner down the road can be problematic too. It can take a very long time for other people and yourself to move on. Sometimes we don't. PTSD I think partly covers it.
Very good article.
"I did lose friends. I was told they 'couldn't handle it' and did not know how to act around me.""
Found the same. It was as though he had never existed. They never asked how I was doing, or if I wanted to talk, nothing. Now, after 4 years, I will bring up his name in conversations when appropriate. Asked how many sons I have, I always include the darling boy I lost and also say that he passed away.
It's taught me something. To always ask others how they are contending with their grief.