Ann Bacciaglia 2013-05-25T00:49:15-04:00 Ann Bacciaglia http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/author/index.php?author=ann-bacciaglia Copyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc. HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Ann Bacciaglia Good old fashioned elbow grease. Take it From a Widow: Friendship and Grief Don't Always Mix tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.2194640 2012-11-27T12:17:06-05:00 2013-01-27T05:12:01-05:00 Ann Bacciaglia http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ann-bacciaglia/
Friendships, I learned, are not immune to grief. Despite what you may think, some friends will leave you when you need them the most. Perhaps they don't know what to say or how to act. Maybe they are afraid to deal with your sadness and grief. Maybe they're afraid that widowhood is contagious and will happen to them. I do not know the answers. All I know is that I am surprised at how friendships changed when I needed them the most.

I decided to ask some widowed friends about their friendships. Did friendships change after their spouses died? Did people treat them different now that they were widows?

I quickly learned that I am not alone. The other widows faced unique but also similar circumstances with their friends. Following are quotes from a couple widows that I spoke to:

"...my friend admitted a feeling of guilt after my hubby died."


"...my cleaning lady lost her husband and now she will not talk to me."

"I've stopped telling people that I am a widow."

"You really find out who your friends are and aren't. Family too. It is quite the eye opener. Breaks a lot of trust."

"You remind your friends of what can happen. Also you are technically single now and they see you are a threat to their husbands."

"It is hurtful how people disappear."

"I have a friend that is afraid that her life will end up like mine."

The following comment came from a woman that lost her son:

"I did lose friends. I was told they 'couldn't handle it' and did not know how to act around me."



After speaking to people in similar situations, I now realize that in many cases, friendship and grief do not mix. Whether you have been friends for six months or 30 years, you do not know how your friendship will hold up during a crisis. Some friends step up and the bond becomes unbreakable while other simply disappear from your life.

]]> How to Start Talking About Death tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.2010854 2012-10-25T07:24:59-04:00 2012-12-25T05:12:01-05:00 Ann Bacciaglia http://www.huffingtonpost.com/ann-bacciaglia/
I have not always been so blunt about death or talking about death. To be honest, before my husband died, I never said the word. I was superstitious and felt that by uttering the word I was inviting trouble. I did not have a will, afraid that I would jinx myself. That all changed the day my world collapsed and my healthy 44-year-old husband died suddenly. I had to face the "D-word" head on. There was no turning around and avoiding it.

My husband was organized and luckily had taken the time to write a will. One of the first things I had to do after he died was find the will. I was not even sure where he kept it.

The first thing the banks, insurance etc. asked me after his death was "Did he have a will?" I learned that you pretty much have to show a copy of the will for all transactions and activities after a death.

My husband and I never discussed death. We were young and healthy. Why would we discuss that! I did not know if he wanted to be buried or cremated. I did not know where he wanted to be buried. I did not know his final wishes. When he wrote his will, we never really discussed anything other than who gets the possessions.

I learned from my experience and I am now an advocate for starting the conversation. I am sharing my story so that other people will be organized and have that dreaded conversation about death with their spouse or family.

I am not a expert with wills/estates but I can share my personal experience and suggestions:

1. Plan some quiet time when you and your spouse can have an uninterrupted discussion.

2. Before you have your chat, think about your final wishes. Do you want a memorial? Do you want to be cremated or buried? Do you want to pre-plan the details? How do you want your assets divided? Do you have guardians for your children? What are your wishes regarding resuscitation? Are your assets in both your names? Do you know where the wills are located? There are just a few topics to discuss.

3. Sit down and talk. Be honest and open. Take notes. Be open-minded.
It will be an emotional talk but I guarantee it is worth it. You will be prepared for the inevitable and will have the peace of mind knowing that you started the dreaded conversation.

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