2013-05-18T07:23:26-04:00 Barbara Sibbald http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/author/index.php?author=barbara-sibbald Copyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc. HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Barbara Sibbald Good old fashioned elbow grease. tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1412595 2012-04-10T09:02:12-04:00 2012-06-10T05:12:01-04:00

Barbara Sibbald http://www.huffingtonpost.com/barbara-sibbald/
We have a love-hate relationship with the idea of marriage. On the one hand, we embrace its emotional closeness and practical aspects, primarily the financial and emotional stability it provides, particularly for raising children. On the other hand, we resent the day-to-day mundane sameness of it. A sustainable marriage requires mindful living, and that includes deciding what you can and cannot live with and taking a considered path towards addressing it.

Among the many potential pitfalls, two stand out: the lack of physical intimacy and a dysfunctional view of love.

Keep the sexy in sex
Depending upon your circumstances, physical intimacy may consist of a sustained hug or cuddling in bed, but for most couples, sexual intimacy is essential. In fact, many experts say a couple's sex life is a barometer of the health of their relationship.

During the fusing stage, those first couple of years, the sex is typically fabulous as you discover each other through physical intimacy. But the urgency, the intensity tends to diminish over time. You get used to each other. The sheen grows dull. Polishing requires work.

There are two keys to a healthy sexual partnership: communication and chemistry. Chemistry is mysterious, a combination of hormones and a love force that is either there or not, but its presence can be encouraged by good communication, which is an acquirable skill.

Many couples don't make it. A survey of some 6,000 men and women found that 16 per cent hadn't had sex in the previous month. The couples' stated reasons ranged from stress-inducing jobs to drug use, financial woes to problems with the children. Usually, myriad factors are at play, and the most reliable way to sort it all out is through communication. Talk about your problems, hopes, fears, loves, hates. Talk about sex specifically, your needs, your desires, your fantasies. And don't forget to have fun.

Recognizing where we come from
Another obstacle on the path to marital harmony is our early experiences of love.

When a child is consistently and demonstrably loved, it often results in life-long feelings that they are loved and of value. In short, it gives the person an inner sense of security, a constant place from which to engage the world. In the absence of this inner security, a person may place excessive importance on their romantic relationship; external love makes them feel loved and valuable and secure. For these people, the world is an unpredictable place in which they have to constantly strive to ensure they are loved. This can lead down two equally dysfunctional paths:

Co-dependency: Rather than a relationship with depth and true intimacy, this person has an all-consuming desire to have his or her need for security and love met. Sex is frequently an affirmation of this.

Inability to commit to a relationship: These individuals honestly don't know what commitment means because their parents didn't commit to them. Or, they know what commitment means, but it terrifies them because it makes them vulnerable to hurt. One defining characteristic is that, as adults, these people consistently choose to leave a partner before that partner leaves them.

Dodging the dysfunction pitfall requires first recognizing the problem and secondly, seeking counseling to help mitigate it.

In the end, investing time and energy into bolstering physical intimacy or addressing a dysfunctional view of love can result in a fuller and more satisfying marriage.

It might even save it.

Barbara Sibbald (www.barbarasibbald.com) is a two-time novelist, editor at a leading health journal, and an award-winning freelance journalist. The above is an excerpt from The Book of Love: Guidance in Affairs of the Heart, a novel (General Store Publishing House), now available in e-book format.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1374963 2012-03-23T09:53:44-04:00 2012-05-23T05:12:01-04:00

Barbara Sibbald http://www.huffingtonpost.com/barbara-sibbald/
This may sound like something your mother said, but it's also sound advice that can serve you well as you begin a relationship. Two of the most common pitfalls are revealing too much about your past and a premature leap to "I love you."

The Perils of Too Much Information: Talking About the Past
As Voltaire quipped: "The secret of being a bore... is to tell everything." And no one wants a boring lover.

Keep your partner's interest -- intellectual and sexual -- by keeping aspects of your past to yourself. It will help to keep them intrigued, wondering and wanting.

This doesn't mean you should keep deep dark secrets from them -- the fact that your house burned down when you were eight or that your sister died of cancer -- but there's a difference between being informed about essential aspects of each other's personal history -- which helps others understand the factors that moulded your psyche and enables true intimacy -- and disclosing the tedious minutiae of our lives, in particular, details about past lovers.

Because this is the second thing about full disclosure. Not only does it make you boring, as Voltaire so astutely observed, but telling all can also be dangerous if your partner is prone to jealousy (wrought by insecurity and/or their propensity to indiscretions).

Stories about past lovers, some of which invariably cast you in a negative light, can be regurgitated and used against you. You behaved in such and such a way in the past and you will again. If your partner is vulnerable, it can fuel his or her fear of abandonment or betrayal.

Remember these stories are about your past self, a self that has been replaced (one would hope) by a more enlightened version. These stories were the building blocks for a new structure. You. Live in the now.

Premature Articulation
When your partner says "I love you" too early in the relationship (for you, obviously, but also by any objective standard), it's often because he or she is feeling insecure themselves or in the relationship, or more likely both.

He or she tells you he loves you (whether he does or not) because he wants to hear the same from you, then the relationship will shift into something more certain and comfortable. But if you don't oblige with the return "I love you," it not only gives you the upper-hand, it also ramps up the tension for the other person, making him/her feel even more insecure, which can play out in some very unsavory ways.

But that's no excuse to lie.

Wait. You'll know when the love is real. And knowing has everything to do with intimacy.

For many, implicit in the "I love you" is the assumption of intimacy, followed by an inevitable trajectory to cohabitating or marriage. But the fact is, intimacy does not automatically accompany the declaration of love or agreement to share space.

Our universal need for closeness -- for someone who understands us -- takes time, shared experiences, and meaningful communication.

Barbara Sibbald (www.barbarasibbald.com) is a two-time novelist, editor at a leading health journal, and an award-winning freelance journalist. The above is an excerpt from The Book of Love: Guidance in Affairs of the Heart, a novel (General Store Publishing House), now available in e-book format (Kindle, Kobo and Nook).]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1322312 2012-03-05T17:34:43-05:00 2012-05-05T05:12:01-04:00

Barbara Sibbald http://www.huffingtonpost.com/barbara-sibbald/
In the flush of new love, it seems you are one, but of course you aren't. You have your own interests and background and a full gamut of needs. One person cannot possibly fulfill all of these. In short, we expect too much from our partner.

Top 12 tips for enduring love

1. Cheerfully accept your partner's limitations and your own. Don't expect that one person to meet all your needs (30 per cent tops!). Nurture your inner sense of security, your constant place from which to engage the world. And, in the process, take responsibility for all your needs and find ways (and other people) to meet them.



2. Make time for each other. Develop everyday habits, like eating together every evening, or talking for 20 minutes before going to sleep. Go on a date at least once a week and talk about yourselves, your desires, fears, frustrations, joys. Between dates, connect physically at least once a day. This doesn't necessarily mean having sex, it could be a kiss, a caress, a hug or holding hands. These "pleasure points" allow couples to feel connected throughout the week, instead of pleasure-pressuring their date-night, weekends or vacations.



3. Find and nurture the interests you share: gardening, music, cooking, whatever. Make time for the pleasure of a shared passion, which will bring you closer.



4. Divide and share domestic tasks equally and do them willingly and without complaint. Many a relationship has succumbed to the tyranny of the dust bunny.



5. Keep the sexual motor running. Sexual intimacy allows you to put aside stressors and reinforce the emotional connection. Don't talk your desire to death; make time to do it. Add some play to playing around. This can be as simple as buying a pair of lace panties, or as elaborate as meeting your partner at a bar and pretending to be strangers. Be inventive and surprising, and have fun.



6. Apologize sincerely when the situation merits it. The corollary to this is to forgive what you can. Psychologist Robert Enright described four stages of forgiveness: uncover your anger or hurt and acknowledge it to yourself; decide how you want to forgive your partner; try to understand what motivated them to act in such a way (e.g., stress, guilt, resentment); and, finally, look deeper and try to find the redemptive meaning in the experience.



7. Don't go to bed angry. I remember reading this in a Dear Abby column as a child and even then it made sense. Going to bed angry allows the issue to fester and grow in importance. Instead, communicate well and as positively as possible, then, at least, you'll fight with less friction. Keep your sense of humour. Also keep in mind that communication doesn't only involve speech: write a note, or give a big hug.



8. Be nice. Treat your partner with the same courtesy you treat your closest friends. John Gottman, a psychology professor at the University of Washington can predict which marriages will dissolve based solely on the number of kind and unkind interactions. When the ratio falls below five-to-one, he sounds the death knell.



9. Be grateful. Think of things you appreciate in your partner. There's a human tendency to focus on what's not there instead of what is there: if only he would do the dishes, forgetting that he's spent the last month building a fabulous deck. If only she would lose 10 pounds, then I'd get my sex drive back; forgetting that she has a wonderful verbal repartee. Remember that feelings of love travel in cycles: sometimes you're on a high, other times not. This is normal and natural.



10. Be an active listener. Engaged, not doing a Sudoku at the same time. Listen, wait until they've had their say, then ask questions: how's he doing, feeling; what her plans are; what his problems are. Make useful comments, or offer empathy or sympathy. Ask for elaboration. Be interested.



11. Performance appraisals. Review how you're doing on a regular basis (once per month works well). Begin with what's working best, and then, get down to the prickly issues. Set goals and review progress at the next session. Use this as a time to not only tell your partner what you need, but also how you can succeed individually and as a couple.



12. Celebrate the big and the small stuff. A garden plan finished, a promotion, a finished work project -- marking life's successes builds intimacy. Don't forget to ask for details of why this makes them happy; it will help you understand them better and, at the same time, allow them to understand themselves.

Barbara Sibbald (www.barbarasibbald.com) is a two-time novelist, editor at a leading health journal, and an award-winning freelance journalist. The above is an excerpt from The Book of Love: Guidance in Affairs of the Heart, a novel (General Store Publishing House), soon to be out in e-book format.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1310243 2012-02-29T10:39:50-05:00 2012-04-30T05:12:01-04:00

Barbara Sibbald http://www.huffingtonpost.com/barbara-sibbald/ Love does not consist in gazing at each other, but in looking outward together in the same direction. --Antoine de Saint-Exupéry

Our expectations of romantic love as a foundation for marriage are too simplistic and, hence, unrealistic. Women, in particular, ascribe to the "happily ever after" scenario promulgated in everything from fairy tales to sitcoms.

And men aren't much better off.

But the fact is that 37 per cent of marriages that began in 2003 or thereafter will eventually end in divorce. Governments are beginning to recognize how this is tearing apart the fabric of society. In Texas, legislators passed a law in 2007 that waived the marriage-licence fee for couples who take a premarital class and doubled the fee for couples who don't. In Germany, couples must wait three months after acquiring a marriage license before getting hitched.

With good reason.

The ideal of romantic love is mired in the beginning of the love relationship; the most sexually charged, fleeting period when we are most attracted to one another. This inevitably dissipates, and it is at that point that either the relationship fizzles or slowly unravels, or that we begin the real work of love. Once the initial rush of romance fades, you must have something more than the fact that you're in love to keep it going and growing.

And so the question is: How do you make love last?

The simple answer: work. I know no one want to hear that, but if we don't understand this basic fact, we are forever doomed to disappointment and disillusionment and the need to start over again and again.

That work begins with yourself, with self-awareness and recognition of your needs and your responsibility for meeting them. The result of this is a true acceptance of your separateness. Couples comprise two people with two lives and all that entails: career, friends, hobbies, volunteer work, reading, entertainment -- the list is as individual as our thumb prints.

Asking one person to play an integral part in all these areas is untenable -- and ultimately boring. The kiss of death. A relationship perseveres because you're interested in what's going to happen the next day and your partner's an interesting person to share it with. It's therefore vital to have something to help you grow individually: your career, volunteer work, hobbies or passions, sports, etc.

Dr. M. Scott Peck, the author of The Road Less Traveled, one of the 20th century's most famous and arguably most useful self-help book, defines love as the will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth. Spiritual growth, in this context, can be loosely defined as striving towards and meeting our full potential. According to Scott, the act of nurturing another person's spiritual growth has the effect of nurturing one's own growth.

At the same time, in genuine love, the distinction, the separateness between the two is always maintained, respected and nurtured. In other words, you support your love partners for who they are -- not your idealized notion of who you wish they were (often replicas of ourselves).

What this means, in practical terms, is that you must nurture and support, but at the same time, not expect everything from the one person. My grandmother used to tell me: "Don't put all your eggs in one basket." If that basket is marriage, it will break under the weight.

It is not realistic, possible, or even desirable to have all your physical, intellectual, and emotional needs met by one person. But you are responsible for seeing that they are met, by yourself and by others (including yourself, your lover, friends, relatives, colleagues, etc.).

One of the side effects of adhering to the above is that it frees one to live one's life, rather than succumbing to some gradient of the co-dependent relationship, which is essentially a relationship prison that limits who you see, what you do, where you go, etc.

Separateness requires mindful living: living in the present, instead of worrying about a past you can't change and an uncertain future. The idea is to enjoy every morsel of your time together and apart. Otherwise, it's not well spent. And we only have so much currency.

Barbara Sibbald is a two-time novelist, editor at a leading health journal, and an award-winning freelance journalist. The above is an excerpt from The Book of Love: Guidance in Affairs of the Heart, a novel (General Store Publishing House), which will soon be available in e-book format.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1291193 2012-02-21T13:01:17-05:00 2012-04-22T05:12:01-04:00

Barbara Sibbald http://www.huffingtonpost.com/barbara-sibbald/ Before You Begin
If I had to give only one piece of advice it would be, quite simply, don't expect to have all your needs met by one person.

This sounds like a variation on the platitude "Don't put all your eggs in one basket," but this tendency is often the biggest stumbling block to finding a healthy love relationship -- and keeping it. Women are particularly prone to a sort of monomania about romantic love, with a melody of Cinderella "happily ever after" stuck on an endless loop in their heads.

Cinderella is a fairy tale.

You will still need your friends, your family, your work colleagues. Each point of attachment -- whether family, friends, or acquaintances -- helps you to meet a different physical, social, intellectual, emotional, or spiritual need. These needs vary, but may include, for example, a book buddy, lover, confidante, film friend, professional colleague, work-out companion, etcetera. And finally, often principally, we fulfill ourselves through self-love that allows us to acknowledge our weaknesses, celebrate our successes, and be gentle with ourselves.

Ideally, our life partner should fulfill up to 30 per cent of our core needs, which vary according to the individual, but may include the need for security, sexuality, affection, and physical contact. The bottom line is that you have to take responsibility for meeting all of your needs by identifying them and then determining how they can best be met by others and by yourself.

Don't confuse needs with values such as trustworthiness, honesty, and political leaning. Shared values matter more than anything else -- and are the most reliable predictors of eventual success, or failure of your relationship.

Of course, such considerations are pragmatic and unemotional -- while dating is not. One study found that people go into dating with an idée fixe about what constitutes the perfect partner, but all that goes out the window when they meet the "right" stranger. In other words, despite methodical plotting, we still follow our hearts and hormones -- at least initially...

Dating for All the Right Reasons
With apologies to William Carlos Williams, so much depends on the first date. After "the ask," which is in itself a minefield, our egos and libidos run amok before the first date. No one can really prepare you for the specifics of the encounter -- that is part of your personal growth -- but I do have two pieces of advice: go slowly and think before you unzip. Imagine introducing your date to your most trusted friend. What would he or she say?

People often try too hard to meet that perfect someone. More often than not, it's a question of being who you are, only more so. Invest your time in yourself, in following the passions that you hold dearest: dance, music, theatre, literature. But get out there, go to events, get on invitation lists. You'll meet like-minded people who may share more than your passion for something; they may well share your politics, your philosophy. Socialize mindfully at these events. Have fun, but keep your radar tuned.

Burdened with these heavy expectations of romantic love, it's hardly any wonder people have difficulty connecting. We are so worried about whether Trevor or Tanya will make the mark, whether they'll be able to come through with all the goods (impossible!), that we spend our time obsessively assessing them (too tall, linear, old, poor, etc.).

Dates become auditions; second dates, the call back. We miss out on the best part: the uncertainty, the flirting, the unexpected playfulness, and fun of romantic love. Surprise yourself.


Barbara Sibbald (www.barbarasibbald.com) is a two-time novelist, editor at a leading health journal, and an award-winning freelance journalist. The above is an excerpt from The Book of Love: Guidance in Affairs of the Heart, a novel (General Store Publishing House), soon to be released in e-book format.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1274336 2012-02-14T12:16:24-05:00 2012-04-15T05:12:01-04:00

Barbara Sibbald http://www.huffingtonpost.com/barbara-sibbald/
Stacks of self-help books and legions of therapists concur: Good sex is a barometer of relationship health. Making love can help establish a bond of respectful kindness and is an opportunity to relax, put aside pressures, and reinforce emotional intimacy.

Put in its negative: Sexual inactivity is a reliable predictor of marital unhappiness and divorce. So, why do we avoid communicating about it?

First, as the quintessential playboy Hugh Hefner opined: "Our puritan roots are deep. We're fascinated by sex and afraid of it." Plainly put, communicating about sex embarrasses most people.

Secondly, couples often fear that lagging sexual attraction is a sign that their relationship is failing.

What they may not realize is that it's natural, even biologically inevitable, for attraction to flag. During the first two years of a relationship, both partners produce phenylethylamine, a natural amphetamine that could well be called the love potion.

Just four years into a relationship, the proportion of 30-year-old women wanting regular sex falls to below 50 per cent. Among cohabitating American couples, one-third have sex twice a week or more, one-third a few times a month, and one-third a few times a year or not at all. The reasons range from extramarital affairs, demanding jobs and other responsibilities, drugs, alcohol, and finances. The problem is so prevalent that lack of desire even has a medical moniker: hypoactive sexual desire disorder.

Libidos can differ wildly between the sexes, partly because of natural hormonal levels, but also because of the role sex plays in men's and women's lives. Generally speaking, men use sex to feel good, while women need to feel good before having sex. In other words, when life gets stressful, he wants it and she doesn't.

And so we have a paradox: Sex is essential to sustaining a marriage, but sex and marriage are seemingly not simpatico. What can you do?

There are two keys to a healthy sexual relationship: chemistry, which is essentially beyond our control (Viagra and testosterone patches aside), and communication and action, which we can control.

Talk your way through
Set aside your inherent reservations, make a date, and have mindful, respectful, and calm conversations about underlying issues, such as the division of household labour, job dissatisfaction or overwork, rearing of children, and money. You'll also need to talk about sex specifically: what you like and don't like. A survey of people in long-term relationships found they were more sexually satisfied when they communicated their likes and dislikes to their partners than when they did not.

Don't talk desire to death
But beware, if you make sex a self-help project, with the attendant monitoring of frequency and reciprocity, essentially demystifying your erotic experience, it will become dull drudgery. Communication is not about words, it's about connection.

Strive to re-mystify your eroticism; rediscover the power of flirting, wit, innuendo, and pacing. You know what draws your partner in. Non-sexual touching is a good example. A man needs two to three times as much touching as a woman. Another way to kindle the spark is to enjoy fun activities together or just look into her/his eyes and smile.

Sometimes you have to work at "playing around." In the classic how-to book, The Joy of Sex, Alex Comfort writes that "sex is a deeply rewarding form of play. Children are not encouraged to be embarrassed about their play: adults often have been and are still." But as long as our play is not "hostile, cruel, unhappy, or limiting," we absolutely should not be embarrassed.

Make a play date with your partner and take turns providing the "sexual meal" to set the stage for lovemaking, using toys, games, and fantasy. Have an affair with your partner.

Meet your partner in a bar and pretend to be strangers. Afterwards, act like cheating lovers and book a hotel room. There's nothing unusual in this: 58 percent of Canadians say they watch erotic material with their partners, and 43 percent have spiced things up with a toy. Another survey reveals that 66 percent have done it in a car, 49 percent in a public park, 40 percent at a party, and 33 percent in the bathroom. Your imagination is your gateway.

Don't let your relationship succumb to mutual sexual neglect: better sex than sorry.
]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1268689 2012-02-10T12:34:06-05:00 2012-04-11T05:12:01-04:00

Barbara Sibbald http://www.huffingtonpost.com/barbara-sibbald/ nearly 1,000 have permitted a man to have more than one wife.

Life-long fidelity is a Judeo-Christian invention, which likely came about for economic reasons: a way to guarantee paternity of offspring for men with property to bequeath and ensure financial stability for women embarking on the long child-rearing years. Eventually, marriage became the precursor to sex (at least in theory).

Nowadays, with modern contraception and larger, more anonymous communities, infidelity is easy. Among !Kung San village, two per cent of kids result from cuckoldry; in some contemporary urban neighbourhoods the figure is five per cent to 20 per cent.

Why is adultery so common? There's the sexual rush fuelled by the secrecy imperative. And the excitement of a new partner brings us back in a temporal slight of hand to previous emotional times, and so the tryst makes us feel young.

The contemporary pathos is also fed by the pervasive importance of sex -- from cooking shows to comic books -- and the belief that good, regular sex is our right. Added to this is the emotional comfort of sex: it is the one time when we are most assuredly living in the now, the most present.

This is the backdrop. There are a million personal variations on the reasons for having affairs, but usually it boils down to two things. First, we think something is genuinely amiss with the home relationship and justify the clandestine relationship as a way to fulfill needs that aren't met in the marriage; second, and more common (although few have the self-knowledge to see it), something is missing in ourselves, be it self-esteem, security, or the capacity for contentment, and we look for it in someone else. Remember: One must be well to love well.

Regardless of the impetus, adultery is fraught with peril.

Clandestine betrayal -- and that's what it is, make no mistake about it -- is nasty. Once you have broken that promise, that vow of faithfulness, there is a terrible sense of loss, no matter how you dress it up. In addition to the betrayal of your shared intimacy, the lying takes a toll. Lying about the where and with whom. Taking furtive showers in the secret lover's bathroom, trying not to get your hair wet. And each lie adds a layer of deceit until you hardly know what to say to your partner anymore.

Then something happens. You may get caught and have to contend with the fallout from a battered ego and lost trust. You may face a gradual, painful and long breakup. Or your partner may kick you out, physically and/or psychologically. Affairs are poignant tragedies if they lead to the dissolution of an arrangement that's good for raising children. If it's between adults, well, it's your call.

But before you start, appreciate that there is a real risk that it will destroy your primary relationship. Decide whether it's worth it. Consider what you have to lose -- socially, financially, and emotionally -- because someone always loses in an extramarital affair.


Barbara Sibbald is a two-time novelist, editor at a leading health journal, and an award-winning freelance journalist. The above is an excerpt from The Book of Love: Guidance in Affairs of the Heart, a novel (General Store Publishing House).]]>