Colette Kenney

Five Shortcuts for Finding True Love

2012-12-21T00:23:47-05:00

We live in a fast-paced world, so who doesn't love a good shortcut? Especially if it helps you find true love.

If you're a woman reading this, by extension the most important thing to you in life, is love.

So please, take these 5 shortcuts to heart. Embody them. Live them every single day. Because if you do, you're destined to not only meet "the one" you're guaranteed to keep "the one" too!

5. Be Down to Earth

Ask any happily coupled man why he loves his woman and the first thing he'll tell you is "it's because she's SO down to earth." As much as you might think that men only care about your looks, the truth is, a man loves a woman who lets him be "him." Here's a tip: If you feel the need to change the man you're dating, chances are good he's not the "right" man for you.

4. Be Happy

Boys love to have fun. That's what Child Development textbooks will teach you. And whether it's nature or nurture that makes boys more prone to play doesn't really matter. The reality is, boys (and men) are hard-wired to have light-hearted, good-natured fun. If you want to capture a man's heart -- be happy -- because by extension you'll also be fun! Here's a tip: This isn't something you can fake. It's not dependent on the circumstances of your life. Happiness can only come from "within."

3. Be Yourself

Sounds simple enough, but there are so many ways that women get this one wrong. And it's no wonder because if a woman's top priority is love, her number one concern is "fitting in." But when it comes to finding a life partner, fitting-in is the absolute worst thing you can do. It's the number one reason a single woman will say "I really lost myself in that relationship." Here's a tip: Being yourself comes naturally when you take the time to question all of your beliefs about the world. Ask yourself "Whose voice is that?" and "Does it serve me, or hurt me, to think that way?"

2. Be Receptive

Another great quality about great men is that they love to give to their woman. Whether this inherent pleasure men get from giving comes from our hunter-gather days or not is inconsequential. What's important for you is being open to receive what your man gives. Here's a tip: Being an independent woman is fantastic, but be sure you leave room for your man to do at least a few things for you. The rush of dopamine he'll get from giving will instantly make you deliriously desirable.

1. Believe

Finally, make sure you believe in a world where all the good men are available. Believe in the idea that you deserve a good man. And believe that the perfect-for-you man is out there, ready, willing and looking to find you.

Wishing you all the best.

Your KarMingle Co-Founders
Colette & Tag

www.KarMingle.com - The Good Karma Alternative to Online Dating

Fun, Fabulous Events for Single Women
With an EQUAL NUMBER of Great, Straight, Available Single Men!

Five Ways to Make a Great First Impression

2012-12-12T08:22:12-05:00

Did you know that it takes just one-tenth of a second to make a first impression?

It's true.

According to Forbes Magazine "Most people will judge you within the first second of meeting you and their opinion will most likely never change."

So that just goes to show: Making a good first impression is super important, because you only really get one crack at it.

To help you make all of your first impressions at KarMingle events first class, we've prepared a top five list of things you can do:

5. Set a clear intention

To make a great first impression, set a clear intention. Sit quietly for a few minutes just before you begin getting ready for your event. Set an intention (and visualize if you can) the kind of experience you wish to have, the type of people you'd like to meet, and how natural you want to feel while you're there. Your intentions are powerful, make no mistake about that. If you take the time to set your intentions clearly, there's no telling how incredible your KarMingle experience will be!

4. Be in a great mood

Because nobody likes a "negative nelly" take a moment before every event to get yourself into a great mood. Even if you've had a bad day, there's a very quick and easy way for you to do this: Have an attitude of gratitude. Close your eyes and think of five things that happened today that you can be grateful for -- even if your list includes simply breathing, seeing, tasting, smelling, and hearing -- each of those are pretty precious all on their own. And I bet, if you take a few minutes you'll be able to come up with at least a few other things to add to your list. Close your eyes, put a smile on your face and feel how good gratitude feels!

3. Dress to reflect your unique style

The very first thing that women ask their female friends before a party is "what are you going to wear?" And that's because we all know that the way you dress speaks volumes. But one of the traps we as women fall into, is that we dress according to what our friends will be wearing -- and that's a big mistake -- because what you wear is supposed to reflect your unique personality and style. Our best advice is for you to wear something that gives you confidence, but also feels comfortable. If you're feeling strained by clothes that are too tight, this will wreck your good mood and ruin your great first impression.

2. Show interest and be interesting

Being interesting is a highly useful social skill. It has the ability to improve not only your social and career aspects of life, it can also dramatically increase your romantic prospects as well. There are two very simple tips to be successful with this: 1) Showing interest is easy, put a smile on your face and be genuinely curious about others, 2) Being interesting is easy, pay attention to what others want to talk about and join in the conversation, share an idea or two, but remember to remain open to all points of view.

1. Practice open body language

Your body language is probably the most crucial aspect of creating a good first impression. That's why we saved this "how to" for last. Everything from eye contact, to hand placement, and posture -- they all have an effect on what others will believe about you, so you want to be sure you're sending the message that you intend to send (see, it really is about setting intentions!) To be aware of what your body is saying, body language experts suggest practicing in front of a mirror, or taking a video of yourself walking, talking, holding a drink, sitting, and eating. Seeing yourself in action will provide you with volumes of information.

But if you don't have time for all of that, be sure to watch out for these
10 Worst Body Language Mistakes.

Wishing you all the best.

Your Dating Coach and KarMingle Co-Founder,
Colette Kenney

www.KarMingle.com - The Good Karma Alternative to Online Dating

Fun, Fabulous Events for Single Women

With an EQUAL NUMBER of Great, Straight, Available Single Men!

How to Get What You Need -- Not What You Want

2012-07-24T03:26:30-04:00

Today's "Dear Colette" post isn't in response to any specific question from anyone. It's more of a trend that I see often with the singles and couples I have worked with. And this trend is having an "attachment to the outcome."

So many of us have it -- this attachment to what we want to have happen.

And it robs us of our peace, contentment, and happiness.

But we want what we want. And we expect it to happen just like we planned.

Life isn't like that.

We don't always get what we want.

And we often perceive this to be "bad."

But in reality, not getting what we want may be JUST what we "need."

For example, I didn't want a partner who was the same height as me because I grew up with eating disorders and so I wanted a partner who made me feel smaller. But I didn't get what I wanted. What I got was a partner who is essentially the same size as me, which required me to get over myself and my insecurity with my size. Which I eventually did.

I have a friend who is soon to be of no fixed address even though all she's ever wanted is a home -- a cocoon to call her safe place. But a recent unfolding of events has left her without all the things she cherishes. She hasn't yet seen what will come of her situation, but she is holding to the idea of being unattached to the outcome. Because as the saying goes, "If you want to make God (or the Universe, Source, etc) laugh, tell him about your plans."

One of the couples that I am working with who are currently separated and considering divorce are seeing that their expectations of each other are precisely what drove them apart. They see now (possibly too late to salvage their marriage) that if only they had loved each other as they were, rather than who they wanted the other to be, they might be in a totally different situation.

Rather than dwell on what's done and past, they have learned the "lesson." They have learned that although they couldn't make their relationship work -- and a failing marriage isn't exactly what either of them want -- it's quite possibly what they both need. Because after going through this, they are both prepared to cherish any potential future partners for who they are. They are able to recognize that even when things get tough, we always get what we need, even if it's not always what we want.

Why do I write about this today? Probably because the majority of the "Dear Colette" questions I have received lately have been to do with women wanting proposals from men, who are not getting what they want. And to this, my answer is: Sit back, relax, quit pressing, and if it's meant to happen -- it will. It will happen by letting go much sooner than it will happen if you do nothing but push, beg, or dole out ultimatums for it. This only pushes what you want further and further away.

And maybe, just maybe, this lack of proposal is something you need -- even though it isn't what you want.

Maybe, just maybe, it will require you to go "within" and look at your "stuff."

Maybe, just maybe, it will teach you to stop putting your expectations for happiness on the outside world, and require that you find happiness within, first. Because that's where true happiness originates from anyway.

If there's something that lately you've been fixated on -- something that you want but you are not getting -- maybe it's because you are getting exactly what you need.

How does this relate to you, and your life?

If you have any thoughts on this, I'd sure love to hear them.

Lots of love,

So You Want to Open Up Your Marriage...

2012-07-17T11:44:25-04:00

Dear Colette,

I've been married for 22 years to a wonderful man that loves and cherishes me. I care for him deeply but over the last five years I have noticed myself having a strong interest in other men. Recently, I met a man in an online forum on polyamorous relationships. I had heard about these kinds of relationships and I wanted to learn more. I have to admit I'm having very intense feelings for him. He is also married but is looking for a polyamorous girlfriend. He has no intentions of leaving his wife and family despite wanting another companion and lover. I would really like to get involved with him, but I have so many questions. I wonder: How do you make these kinds of relationships work, without anyone feeling left out or jealous? Is it possible? Or will engaging in an extra-marital relationship it be more trouble than it's worth?

-- Miele

Dear Miele,

Thanks for your question. I will admit that because my readership is not necessarily the polyamorous type I was torn about whether or not I should answer your question. But when I reflected on how I would answer it, I realized there are actually some really great points that are good for all kinds of relationships -- poly or otherwise.

So let's begin.

Communication Is Key

For a polyamorous lifestyle to function well, you have to be able to voice your wants, needs and desires effectively to your husband -- about partners you would like to date -- and any future partners he might start dating. The only way for polyamorous partners to survive happily together is to have wide-open lines of communication. And to do this well, you will require an absolute, total, and complete understanding of yourself and why you want to engage in this kind of relationship. If this is news to your husband, he is not likely to be very receptive to the idea at first.

The onus will be on you to remain calm in the face of any possible attacks on you, your character, and your desires. You will need to be patient and understanding with him as he comes to terms with your request. You will need to check your ego at the door any time you enter into a discussion with him about this subject. And hopefully, for you he will come around and see the value that you see in entering into this kind of relationship. But, (and this is a big but) be prepared that he might not go along with it. Because if this happens, you'll have a very important decision to make.

Polyamorous or Otherwise -- Communication is Key

Checking your ego at the door when discussing tough topics is mandatory. Opening your heart and mind to having compassion about your partner's point of view is imperative. Remaining calm in the face of a personal attack is the only way to navigate difficult topics well. Affect labeling (the professional term for one of the MOST important skills two partners could ever have) is the quickest way to help your partner feel heard, understood, respected, and cared for. It's the easiest way to resolve conflict and create greater intimacy.

Honesty Is Key

As I said above, knowing yourself incredibly well is key, not only in discussions that you have with your husband, but also in discussions with any future partners. With polyamorous relationships there are certain to be a number of rules that you and your partners will have about how to engage with each other, when, where, in the presence of whom, and how often. To avoid hurt feelings, bruised egos and the like, you will want to be sure that you think of all the possible scenarios that might come up, and what you will do to handle them.

For polyamory to work well it's best if you can get an emotional buy in (not just lip service) from all parties to all rules. And rules should be explicit, clear and well understood by everyone. This is probably the toughest part about making polyamory work. Because words do such a poor job of describing inner feelings, deep emotions, fears, worries and insecurities. The rules you make can so easily be misinterpreted. And worse, the rules made by others may not be totally honest and clear.

As an example: while your husband might say that you can date other men provided he approves of them first, what he really might be saying (in so many words) is "I really don't want to do this, but I love you and I can see that you want this, so I'm willing to along with it, but I have rules, and you better adhere to them or there's going to be hell to pay!"

Polyamorous or Otherwise -- Honesty is Key

And to be 100 per cent honest, you have to be once again 100 per cent clear about yourself and your inner world. Creating agreements and rules won't work at all unless they are made with absolute awareness of what the true purpose of these agreements and rules are for. To be honest with your partner, you have to be honest with yourself.

Forgiveness is Key

Relationships are work when you have only one partner. Add additional partners to the mix and this work is multiplied. There is more chance for buttons to be pushed, triggers to be set off, and yes, egos to be bruised. To engage in this lifestyle happily, and to do it well, it will take a tremendous amount of forgiveness of yourself and every single one of your partners -- because it is as likely that you will do and say things you're not proud of -- as it is that one of your partners does and says something he or she is not proud of.

Forgiveness is easier when you understand that high emotionality equals low rationality.

Polyamorous or Otherwise -- Forgiveness is Key

We lash out, attack, say mean things, and hurt the ones we love when we are afraid, insecure, and feeling as though we have everything to lose. Forgiveness of yourself and your partner is key for long-term happiness and love to flourish.

Closing Comments

Miele, I will openly and happily admit that I am not polyamorous myself, nor do I ever think I could handle the head-and-heart ache of entering into such a relationship. But I will say this: I commend anyone who successfully navigates these kinds of relationships. For to do so, I believe, requires saint-like patience, forgiveness, acceptance, trust, and non-attachment.

Best of luck to you.

Hey Ladies, What's Stopping YOU From Proposing?

2012-07-11T07:14:43-04:00

Dear Colette,

I've noticed a recurring theme in your columns: Women asking why men won't date them; Women waiting for a man to propose, etc. Here's are a few controversial questions -- Why don't women ask men out on dates? Why is the man usually expected to pay all the costs of dating? Why don't women propose? Women have broken all kinds of barriers, they're even serving in the military, but the social norms for romance haven't changed much. It's the 21st century after all, women (at least in Western countries) are supposed to be liberated, but women initiating romance is still rare. Is it because women are afraid of rejection? Until things change, men have to deal with rejection all the time.

- Paul

Dear Paul,

Thank you for this question. After the 'lambasting' I received from men on the writing of this post "Why won't he propose?" I am so grateful for the opportunity to correct what I consider to be a massive misunderstanding.

But before we get to the part where I get to redeem myself, let's begin with the biggest reason:

Why women don't (always) ask men on dates (because sometimes they do),

Why women don't (always) pay for dinner (because sometimes they do), and

Why women don't (usually) propose (because I'm sure in the history of the world there may have been one or two that have).

It's all about polarity

I believe (after everything I've read this is what seems most logical to me) the answer to your first two questions is because of a simple little thing called "polarity."

What is polarity?

Well according to best selling author and tantric teacher David Deida, polarity is the essence of attraction between a woman and a man. The greater the polarity between the masculine and feminine energies, the stronger the attractive force between them.

But there is a catch. The equation isn't as simple as men have masculine energy and women have feminine energy.

It's more like there is a masculine-feminine continuum and every person (man or woman) has their place on this continuum at any given point in their lives due to the amount of estrogen and testosterone in the body (that's according to Anthropologist Helen Fisher). And to make things even more confusing, where you sit on this continuum changes as you grow older due hormonal changes as you age. According to Ms. Fisher:

Masculine-men are high in testosterone. Feminine-men are low in it.
Feminine-women are high in estrogen. Masculine-women are low in it.

So just what does any of this have to do with the three questions you've asked? Well... with this polarity thing in mind, let's look at each of your questions individually.

Why don't women pay for dinner?

Masculine-Man / Feminine-Woman: in this scenario it would actually be detrimental for a woman to pay for dinner, because this would send a signal to her masculine-man that she is also masculine. No polarity. No attraction. After this date he might talk to his buddies and say something along the lines of, "she's a real ball buster."

Feminine-Man / Masculine-Woman: in this scenario it would be fantastic if the woman paid for dinner, because this would send a signal to her feminine-man that she is masculine and can take charge. Lots of polarity. Lots of attraction. But, a caveat: Unfortunately, masculine-women don't always tend to fall in love with feminine-men. It probably has to do with societal conditioning, but as a general rule, masculine-women want an even more masculine-man. A Mr. Macho, so to speak.

Why don't women ask men out on dates?

Masculine-Man / Feminine-Woman: in this scenario the woman can still ask the man on a date and he probably won't mind. He might think it's sassy and intriguing. However, how this woman behaves on the date will be the clincher. If she comes across as forceful, directive, a know-it-all, with a list of her accomplishments, he'll be turned off and heading for the hills. Masculine-men don't want to date women who remind them of their buddies. Remember, polarity means attraction, which is why he's attracted to a feminine-woman, not someone that reminds him of his masculine-man friends.

Feminine-Man / Masculine-Woman: in this scenario the woman is more than likely to ask the man on a date because he's more than likely not to take the initiative. So if she likes him enough she'll "man-up" (or masculine-up) and ask him. She may not like that she has to do it, but she'll be willing to give it a try, to see how things turn out. Another caveat: Once again, masculine-women (at least the women I've worked with) prefer to get their polarity not by falling in love with a feminine-man, but by attracting an even more masculine-than-her kind of man.

Why don't women propose?

Proposals in the 21st century are quite a bit different than they were before the feminist movement began in the 1960s, with the most notable change being that couples today actually talk about getting married before either one of them proposes.

Back in the 50s it wasn't like this. And although I can't say with absolute certainty why (because I'm a therapist not a history buff) it appears to me that in the 50s we lived in a fairytale la-la-land which was crafted by the "perfect" families that joined us in our living rooms every night on TV. Shows like Father Knows Best made us believe that men propose, men provide, and women... well, they stay home to cook and clean.

These days we can see through the façade of the perfect nuclear family. We realize that really, there is no such thing. We realize that marriages end in divorce. People actually do get depressed. They get addicted to drugs, sex, and gambling, too. Life is not the pretty picture that was painted for us on TV in the 50s.

But, for many women the vision of undying love of a man who proposes... Well, these women haven't quite gotten the message. They're still living with the façade.
Please don't misunderstand me; I don't have anything against marriage at all. I believe that if it's important to you and you want to get married and you find a partner who wants it to, that's great! All the power in the world to both of you -- not that you'll be likely to need it -- because if you both want it equally, and there's no pushing, shoving, forcing, or coercing to get either one of you to the alter, then you at least stand a fighting chance in a world where 50 per cent end up in divorce.

So why don't women propose?

It's not that they can't. Of course they can. The polarity equation we talked of earlier could have something to do with why women might not want to propose, but even more important than that.
I believe the number one reason why a woman shouldn't propose to a man is if he says he's not ready to get married.
In today's age:

It is my HOPE that men and women will talk about marriage, before either one of them proposes.

It is my HOPE that whomever proposes (and whomever says yes) will only do so if in fact they are doing it because it's something they really want, not something they think they should or have to do.

It is my HOPE that whoever proposes (man or woman) will only do so once they know that their partner is ready to be proposed to.

It's no longer the 50s.

Women can ask men to get married if they want to. Please, just be sure to talk to him about it first, and make sure it's something he's ready for, and open to.

If he's not?

This woman has got a decision to make. And that decision is whether to stay or to go.

But before she goes, it is my hope that she'll ask herself why she's with him. I hope she'll allow herself the opportunity to view a vision of life without him, to see if that's what she really wants. I hope she'll question her beliefs about what marriage means. Whose belief is it? Is it hers? Her parents', society's, TV's?

I hope that before any of us decide to walk away from love, we dig deep and get clear about all of our beliefs, ideas, and motivations.

Lots of love,

WHY Won't he Propose?

2012-07-06T07:04:13-04:00

Dear Colette,

I've been reading your blog about women who are with men who won't propose and I want to thank you for all of your great advice. It teaches women (including me) to manage themselves and their emotions, versus act like a "victim" of circumstance, and to leave their future happiness, peace, and contentment in the hands of the man they are with. And yet, I am wondering... why is it that men are so afraid to propose? I can't wait to hear what you have to say.

Trina.

Dear Trina,

I love that this question about marriage proposals keeps coming up in all of its various forms. The more we ask the same question in different ways the more people we are going to be able to help. (So ladies, if you're reading this and you still have questions after reading this post, and this one, and this one, please don't hesitate to ask your very own Dear Colette question about marriage proposals.)

OK, let's get down to business.

Why are men so afraid to propose?

As it turns out, I was talking to Todd about this very question on the weekend while we were at dinner at one our favorite restaurants (Eleven 22 in Golden, BC). It was a rainy night outside, perfect for deep meaningful discussions inside over a bottle of wine and some delicious Atlantic Char.

As we were waiting for our meal, I gave Todd my take on why men are so afraid to propose. I said:

"From my observations about men over the years (including you) the number one thing that I believe men value most in the world, beyond any toy, electronic or sport, is freedom! And if I had to guess why men are so afraid to propose to a woman it would be because of the perceived loss of freedom that is associated with committing to another human being."

Todd gave me a knowing nod, as I continued on.

"I mean, if you really think about it, there are two sides to this marriage proposal thing. And men and women are coming at the topic from very different value systems. Because, unlike men, what women value most is security which is precisely what marriage offers them."

Todd piped in: "Yes! Marriage means a loss of freedom for men and a gain in security for women. Which is why so many women are so anxious to get this part of their life taken care of."

(Now it was my turn for the knowing nod as Todd carried on.)

"It's as if women believe that their life is uncertain and 'on hold' until they find a man who will commit to them. And for some reason it takes a proposal for her to finally accept, or believe, that she is 'good enough' or 'loved enough.'

"Giving her the impression that she can finally relax once he asks her," I added.

"Exactly," Todd replied. "And then that seems to be precisely when she seems to make it her 'job' or believe it's her 'right' to change him."

"Which leads to the male prophecy: Marriage = loss of freedom," I quipped.

"Absolutely! And it terrifies a man to commit to a woman who forces him with ultimatums into marriage. This is the perfect prediction or forecast of what life will be like if he decides to take the plunge," Todd shuddered.

"Ha! So, it's freedom -- or the perceived loss of it -- that is keeping a man from proposing to a woman. And if she adds fuel to the fire with anxiety and ultimatums, well then, that's just a recipe for disaster," I said.

Todd agreed wholeheartedly.

That's the WHY -- What's the HOW?

In previous posts on this topic, I've given some advice on how to handle the uncomfortable situation of holding out while your man prepares to propose.

In light of my conversation with Todd I feel there are a few points that would be helpful for me to add:

Keep yourself out of it. A man's proposal or lack thereof has nothing to do with how 'good' or 'loveable' you are. Do your best not to make it about you (or take it personally) when he hasn't yet popped the question.

Validate his feelings. It will go a long way if he knows that you understand how terrifying it is for most men to commit to marriage. And if you make it OK for him to feel the way he feels you'll do a great job of helping him relax into the idea of a proposal.

Nothing has to change. Let him know that you love and value him as he is. Make sure he knows that the last thing you'd ever want to do is change him. And the last thing you'll do (once you get married) is change yourself. Let him know that who you are today is who you will be once you are married. This will help him know that the freedom and flexibility that he has with you today won't change (despite the changes that come with more responsibility if you decide to have children together) But -- and this is a BIG BUT ladies -- be sure to check in with yourself and make sure that you don't have some ulterior motive of taking charge of him and the way you relate to one another once you've gotten him to commit.

The purpose (I believe) of marriage and commitment is this:

"What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other?" - Mary Ann Evans.

Do what you can to make life easier for him, validate him, spend a few minutes in his shoes and see the world the way he sees it. When you understand him you'll realize how big a decision this is for him; that is has nothing to do with how loveable you are, and that it has everything to do with the thing he values the most: his freedom.

One last smidge of advice

Everything is always perfect and purposeful. And because this is true you can rest easy and:

Let things unfold in their own way, in their own time.

Much Love,

Got a question of your own?

If you'd like me to handle your VERY important question about dating, sex, commitment, divorce, heart-break, or the ever-so-difficult question "Should I stay or should I go?" I would ADORE hearing from you! Please click here.

What to do When He STILL Won't Propose

2012-06-28T08:28:01-04:00

Dear Colette,

Boy am I glad I stumbled upon you. Most especially the article on 'What to do when he won't pop the question'. I am with the love of my life, just at our two year anniversary, and have been so freaked out lately that a) I'm going to blow it by freaking out on him (again) because he hasn't proposed, or b) That he isn't proposing because he doesn't love me enough to make me his forever.
We had a two month break then got back together in January and he told me he wants to marry me and have babies with me, because I told him I couldn't be in this if that wasn't where we were going (he's 40 I'm 37...eek) but it's now been five months and I'm feeling very insecure and sad.
Help!

Jennie

Dear Jennie,

Thanks so much for your question -- it's a remarkably common one that comes up often, and in myriad forms. Being that you have already read 'What to do when he won't pop the question' and you're still struggling with fear and insecurity about your guy asking you to marry him, all that's left for you to do now is: TRUST. Seems overly simple, I know. But not to worry because I've got an acronym for TRUST that I think you'll find endlessly helpful.

T -- Teachings

"We do not see things as they are. We see them as we are." -- The Talmud

Sadness and insecurity are excellent signposts (like street signs) that are perfect for reminding us that we've lost sight of the truth. Use the signposts of sadness and insecurity as a reminder that it's time to look at things as they really are, not as you believe or expect them to be.

Our beliefs and expectations are influenced by the amount of time we spend worrying about the future or feeling guilty about the past. One of my favorite teachings to see things as they really are, is by Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now.

Tolle very simply reminds us that pain (in your case Jennie, the frustration you feel that your man won't propose) exists in the gap between where we are now and where we wish we were -- whether we wish we were in the future or the past. The truth is, the only real moment you ever have is now, so instead of wishing you were somewhere else, find gratitude and acceptance in this moment, now. Because if you do this in one moment, and then the next, and then the next, and the next... Well, then you're in a state of appreciation and gratitude for what IS, now. Always.

R -- Realization

One of the biggest frustrations in life is trying to control the things that are out of our control. You may already know that there is only one thing you have absolute control over in life -- and that one thing isn't even you! No, in reality, the only thing you have absolute control over in your life is your thoughts.

Whatever your preferred method (journaling, meditation, coaching), get clear on your thoughts. Because your thoughts affect your feelings, which affect your beliefs, which affect your actions (like freaking out on him again). So, be sure to get clear about what you're thinking, and change the thoughts that are causing you to feel insecure and sad.

U -- Understanding

You may have heard that no two people see the world in the exact same way -- it's not possible because we can never look at the exact same thing, at the exact same time, from the exact same position. Not to mention the fact that anything we do look at is filtered through the lenses of our diverse backgrounds, unique life experiences, and varied upbringings.

A great way to release the insecurity and sadness you're feeling about his holdout on a proposal is to gain a deeper understanding as to why it is so important for you to be married. Ask yourself:

1) Where did I first learn that loving me "enough" means marriage?

2) Whose voice is it?

3) Is it true?

4) Is it really true?

5) What's the worst thing that could happen if I don't get what I want?

6) How can I relax into the unknown?

S -- Support

There is this really fantastic saying that goes "what you focus on expands." If you find that you just can't seem to keep your thoughts from sinking into the low vibration of "what is he waiting for?!?" then the best thing for you to do is reach out for support. Because if you focus on him holding out on his proposal, you will only get more of him holding out. But, if you begin to focus on what you DO have and then if you appreciate what that IS, well then you'll at least get to enjoy your life in the process of him figuring things out.

Support comes in many ways. A good friend or caring family member are surely always there to help.

T -- Tranquility

This one's easy. With TRUST comes Tranquility. Once you've done all of the above you get to rest easy and go lightly. Do the work and you'll find that nothing -- no matter what it is -- will be able to rock your boat.

What's the benefit of all this work?!?

He'll likely feel a whole lot less pressure to please you and actually have chance to come from his heart and propose because he wants to -- not because he feels he has to.

The Result: You get what you want and he gets to feel like he made the choice.

Lots of love,

Why Herpes Won't Ruin Your Sex Life

2012-06-20T07:00:31-04:00

Dear Colette,

my question is a bit "heavy" and I hope you are willing to help me with it, because it is totally messing with my body, my heart, my head, with my confidence, with my ability to believe that it's possible for anyone to ever love me again, or ever want to risk being with me because of the physical and psychological impact. I wish it weren't true, but I have contracted the virus for genital herpes.

And, one of the greatest dichotomies is that the VERY thing, for me, that demonstrates my true love for a man is to have an intimate sexual relationship with him. I've given myself to very few men over the years, and one of these very few men (who happens to be married, but we are in an open relationship together with his wife's consent, we are essentially "friends with benefits"); well, he was someone that I've always believed cared for me. He is someone I've always felt loved me enough to protect me and keep me safe. And yet, he passed this virus onto me. I can't tell you how betrayed I feel.

And what makes this whole situation even worse is that he TOLD me he had it and I didn't take any precautions to protect myself. I am so ashamed. I've even told my friends that "he didn't know he had it" because I can't even admit to myself that I didn't look out for myself the way I should have.

The thing I am struggling so deeply with is that I want to have a partner, a totally exclusive partner, not someone who is married and "allowed" to be with another woman. It has never been my desire to be in a relationship like this. I have many reasons for engaging in this kind of relationship (a very long story) but believe me, it's not my long term choice. I want an exclusive and totally loving relationship with a man who adores me and I him.

But, now that I have this virus, and I am fully aware of the impact it has had on my body (I've had painful symptoms non-stop for months!), my question is, how can I possibly put anyone that I love and care about in this position? How can I risk the health and wellbeing of someone that I love? How can I do to someone what someone else has done to me? This situation feels absolutely hopeless to me. All I wish is that there is something you can say, that can give me a glimmer of hope for the future.

Wrestling with reality,

Mary

Dear Mary,

First. I am so sorry that this has happened to you.

I can only imagine the pain (both physical and emotional), the worry about your sex life being over, the anger (at him and at you) for allowing this to happen, and the stress of symptoms that just won't go away. My heart goes out to you with every ounce of love, compassion and caring that I have. I know that makes little difference to the reality of your situation -- that it changes nothing -- but in some way, I hope you can feel the huge hug I am giving you right now.

Herpes is a BIG Deal

According to DatingWithHerpes.org (DWH.org) about 45-60 million Americans have genital herpes. That's roughly 14-20 per cent of the U.S. population. And this statistic only includes the people who are aware that they have the virus. According to DWH.org "Most people with genital herpes have infrequent, mild, or no noticeable symptoms, and 90 per cent of them are totally unaware that they even have it." And that, according to DWH.org is because "surprisingly, most doctors do NOT include a blood test for herpes even when they are testing their patients for other common STDs."

So, even if you and your partner wait to be tested before having sex -- if you haven't asked for the specific herpes blood test -- there is STILL the risk that one or both of you have the HSV1 or HSV2 virus and don't know it.

A silent virus can spread like wild fire.

Debunking the Myth that Herpes means "You're Dirty"

I want to make this one point very clear. Just because you have herpes does not mean you are "dirty" or "damaged goods."

As you may already know the Herpes virus comes in two different strains HSV1 (oral) and HSV2 (genital). Statistically 60-80 per cent of adults carry the HSV1 virus (in the form of cold sores) whereas 14-20 per cent carry the HS2 virus on the genitals.

According to DWH.org:

HSV1 has become the cause of about 30 per cent of new genital herpes infections -- usually spread via oral sex. It can be spread from one partner to another even when there are NO noticeable symptoms on the part of either partner. Since many people engage in oral sex without the use of condoms or dental dams, getting genital herpes from oral sex is increasingly common.

And the not-so-"funny" thing is, it's more common to be thought of as "dirty" or "damaged goods" if you have HSV2, yet no one seems to mind if it's "just a cold sore."

HSV1 and HSV2 are essentially the same virus -- it's just a matter of where they present on the body.

So, to the aware individual who has done her homework on the Herpes virus, you are no more "dirty" or "damaged goods" if you have HSV2 instead of HSV1. In fact, you not "dirty" either way!

I couldn't risk giving this to someone I love

Mary, I feel that your question about herpes is so critically important because your major concern has to do with the ongoing painful physical symptoms that you've endured and how you could never risk passing this on to someone you love.

This is where I feel a little concerned, and not from a coaching or therapy perspective (that has to do with helping you find a more supportive outlook), but from a physical health standpoint.

I've conferred with my partner Todd (who is a physician) and I've read (as I'm sure you have) numerous websites about the typical symptoms of herpes. None seem to be anywhere as severe as you've described and for that reason, Todd suggested that you may want to consider seeing a specialist: an immunologist.

To address your question about not wanting to pass this painful virus onto someone else, I completely understand. However, I also feel that the pertinent thing to keep in mind here is that the symptoms you are having are not "normal" (without trying to make you feel "abnormal").

According to WebMD.com:

You may never notice symptoms from an HSV infection. On the other hand, you might notice symptoms within a few days to a couple of weeks after the initial contact. Or you might not have an initial outbreak of symptoms until months or even years after becoming infected.
When symptoms occur soon after a person is infected, they tend to be severe. They may start as small blisters that eventually break open and produce raw, painful sores that scab and heal over within a few weeks.

Mary, I feel confident that once you get your symptoms under control you will be able to release the trauma of this painful time in your life. This will then allow you to see herpes for what it really is: an unfortunate occurrence that can be mildly inconvenient at times.

Having the "Herpes Talk"

When and how to reveal the "herpes secret" is a top of mind question for anyone who has contracted the virus. I wish I had the space to cover this topic on this blog post (but I'm already way over). I would however like to bring your attention to a great page I've found called "Telling Someone" on DWH.org. They give excellent advice on how to handle this super sensitive topic.

Talking Back to the Gremlin

The Gremlin, as fellow dating coach Marni Battista likes to call it, is that mean, judgmental, condemning voice inside your head. The Gremlin is responsible for all of your sabotaging thoughts. And Mary, in the case of contracting the virus for herpes, I can only imagine that your Gremlin is yelling at the top of her lungs.

Let's take a look at some more helpful perspectives to the unhelpful judgments of The Gremlin:

GREMLIN: You are so careless! How could you let this happen to you?

YOU: Although it's unfortunate and not something I would ever wish on anyone, it's not the worst thing that could happen. I am still alive and although I'm in physical pain from my symptoms, I know they will eventually subside. When they do, the pain of what's happened won't be so apparent and I can move on with my life. I'm choosing to accept my reality because I can't change it and the stress of wishing I could isn't helping me. I know that stress affects my immune system's ability to fight this virus, so instead of beat myself up over this, I'm going to use this experience as a reminder to love myself more.

GREMLIN: Your sex life is over! Who is going to want to be with you now?

YOU: On first glimpse, I believed this to be totally true. However, I choose to look at this in the most positive light possible. Whereas before I felt free to let attraction to a man take over me, now I have to be more discerning and take my time to get to know him WELL, before I enter into a sexual relationship. This will give me the time I need to screen my partner and be sure he's a great match for me, before we get intimate. And while there is the chance that he may decide to leave, and that will really hurt, I also know that I want a man who will be by my side through thick and thin. If he cares enough he will take the time to understand the risks and the ways in which we can protect him from contracting the virus.

GREMLIN: Yeah but, your sex life is over! How could you ever put someone you love at risk with this?

YOU: While it is true that HSV1 and HSV2 do not have a cure and there is always a risk that the virus can spread, there are things I can do to greatly lower this risk. Suppressive therapy is one way, but in addition to this I am going to make it my mission to know my body so intently that I will know when I am shedding the virus (even before an outbreak). I will choose to make my symptoms a signpost in my life that signifies slowing down, reducing stress, and amping up self-care and self-nurturing. I will abstain from sexual activity with a partner and show myself love instead.

Mary, I know this isn't easy. And once again, I wish there was something I could do to take the pain away.

I do hope that in some way this answer to your question has helped.

Much Love,

Got a question of your own?

If you'd like me to tackle your VERY important question about dating, sex, commitment, divorce, heart-break, or the ever-so-difficult question "Should I stay or should I go?" I would ADORE hearing from you! Please click here.

What To Do When Old Baggage Haunts Your New Relationship

2012-06-13T07:52:02-04:00

Dear Colette,

There is a lot of advice on the Internet about how to find a quality man who is the perfect match for me. In fact, all the advice has worked! And I've found a really terrific guy that I am totally into on many levels. We've been dating for a couple of months now, and I know he really likes me, too. But despite knowing this, I seem to be wrestling daily with a monkey on my back. Before I met my new man I was a strong, confident woman. And now that I'm in this relationship I'm finding that all my old fears and insecurities (the ones I was sure I had dealt with) are ALL coming back to haunt me. I've tried to snap myself out of it. I've tried to reason with myself that these fears are "false expectations appearing real." But to no avail, I just can't seem to shake the monkey! So my question is, how do you manage all of the fears and insecurities that come up at the beginning of a new relationship?

Thanks,

Monkey-Back

Dear Monkey-Back,

Yes!

I am so very excited that you have asked me this question!

The reason being? I have a secret affinity for working with new couples who are doing their best to navigate the quintessential "choppy waters" of new love.

Monkey-Back... you are SO not alone. I assure you. New love (the first three months to one year) can be absolutely nerve-wracking. Especially if you've met someone with massive potential, whom you can see spending the rest of your life with.

Old fears? Monkeys? Heck yeah... they come back with a vengeance!

But I want you to rest assured that with a little bit of self-reflection-turned-self-awareness and a few tips on how to work together with your new beau, you'll be well on your way to the open, vulnerable intimacy of true love.

Time for a little self-reflection

Okay, this is going to be VERY general, only because I don't know exactly what your specific fears are. But that's probably just as well... this way, anyone in a new relationship can use these tools.

New love is meant to trigger your "stuff"

Rest easy knowing that true love, the kind that lasts, isn't supposed to be pure bliss all the time (although movies like to make us believe otherwise). You have attracted your new man very purposefully, on an energetic level (at least that's my belief) and whatever fears come up, are SUPPOSED to come up -- because you are READY to handle them.

Feel the fear...

No matter what the monkey on your back is, just take notice of it. Don't stuff it or try to push it away. Open your arms to it and embrace it. This is juicy stuff -- stuff that's going to help you grow and evolve as a human being. You will be better for really FEELING this fear -- whatever it may be about.

Okay, are you feeling it? Really feeling it? Good. Now do this:

Ask yourself these four questions about your fear(s):
1. How true is this really?
(Give evidence for why it IS and is NOT true)

2. Where did I learn this?
(This is HUGE! And usually gives you those proverbial ah-ha! moments!)

3. What is it costing me?
(How is hanging onto this fear holding you back?)

4. How do I let it go?
(In your own unique way what can you do to ACCEPT yet RELEASE the fear?)

...And do it anyway

Now, if you've taken these steps seriously and you've taken your time with them, I'm betting that you've realized a bunch of new stuff about yourself. Which is great! But you're not quite done yet...

To really get the benefit of all of your hard work, it's time to share all of your delightfully insightful newfound self-awareness with your man.

Does that scare you?

For many people it does. But not to worry, there is a REASON for doing this and a super smart trick to it, too!

Tips, tricks and tools to make sharing a breeze!

1. You want to share it so you are BOTH aware of it

As I mentioned at the beginning of this post, you attracted your guy perfectly and purposefully to bring up the stuff that needs to be brought up. The stuff you are ready to handle. By sharing it with your partner, you can work together to help you overcome your fear. Two heads are better than one and if this relationship is one that's going to last, you both have to learn to be honest and open with one another, no matter what comes up.

If you're worried that he's going to think you're nuts, stick around because there's a trick to doing this, so he doesn't get scared off.

2. The super smart trick to talking it over with your man

Typically speaking, eight times out of 10, men aren't really keen to talk about how they're feeling. And, many men only have so much attention to listen to you about yours. But, there's a way that you can approach this somewhat touchy subject in a way that he'll look forward to it whenever it comes up.

The trick is to turn your newfound realization(s) into a puzzle and/or a problem that you need help solving. Men love being useful and they love a good project. If you approach the touchy subject of emotions and feelings in a way that engages his problem solving skills you'll have him captivated, hook-line-and-sinker!

Here's how the sharing conversation might look:

YOU: Do you have a minute to chat about something? It's a bit of a puzzle that I need help solving.

HIM: Ummm, okay. Sure.

YOU: So, you remember last night how we were hanging out and you said ______?

HIM: Yeah.

YOU: Well, I'm not sure if you noticed but when you said ______ I totally clammed up.

HIM: I did notice that. It made things kind of awkward.

YOU: Well, at the time I wasn't sure what it was all about, but I knew that something in me was triggered. So last night when I went home, I thought some more about it and I realized what it was all about. And the funny thing is, it has nothing at all to do with you. It's actually something from the past. Care to hear about it?

HIM: Sure.

YOU: Well, there was a time in my past where this same sort of thing happened (explain the situation). And back then I took it to mean (name the faulty belief you discovered in your self-reflection work). And I'm pretty sure that when you said ______ you probably didn't mean it this way. Would that be a fair assumption?

HIM: Yeah. It would.

YOU: Good. But you see the thing is, because of this past situation that's how I interpreted what you said. And the truth is, I want the past to be the past. I don't want to interpret what you said like that any more... So, I'm wondering... If this sort of thing ever happens again, well, I'm wondering if you'd like to help me work through it? We don't have to do it right then and there if it's not a convenient time. But if you'd just be willing to talk about it when it is convenient, it would really help me a lot.

HIM: Sure. I'd be happy to help you with that.

YOU: Great! And if it ever happens again, I'll do my best to remember that this is about an irrational fear from my past that has nothing to do with you. But I'm also wondering if you happen notice the same reaction in me in future situations, can you help me by gently pointing it out to me?

HIM: Ummm, sure. I could do that.

YOU: That way, I won't try and avoid it. And if you point it out to me without making me wrong, just pointing out what 'is'... Well then I'll have the opportunity to notice what triggered me and that will just give me even more information to help me get to the root of it, so I can deal with it once and for all. I think if we do this, it will really help me grow as a person, and I'm absolutely up for the challenge. Do you think you could help me with that?

HIM: Yes, absolutely.

Final comments

If you've got a man who's willing to have a conversation like this with you, you've struck gold. You've got a great man on your hands and you're going to do great as couple as you both navigate the sometimes messy waters of new love.

If you're man isn't up for this kind of conversation, that's okay. Do your self-reflection work anyway. Share your realizations with a trusted girlfriend and ask her if she'd be willing to support you in moving through your fears and triggers when they come up.

Hope that helps!

Lots of Love,

Lust, Attraction and Attachment -- Know the Difference

2012-06-05T16:52:52-04:00

Dear Colette,

What is a girl to do if she's been dating online for years, been on over 300 dates, and can't seem to find chemistry with ANYONE? Seriously. I try to remain positive because I know that's the only way to attract and connect with a man. But when 297 out of 300 dates have been a total disappointment, it's hard to care. And next to impossible to want to keep trying. Three of 300 dates were promising, but in very short order they too became a disappointment, when the initial high of excitement wore off, and I was left with the reality of who I was actually lying next to. Is it too much to ask to want to fall in love with a man who gives me butterflies and makes my toes curl? That's what I want. I hope it's out there. And I hope I can find it.
Thanks for your help,
Cure-me-with-Chemistry!
P.S. Love your blog by the way!

Dear Cure me with Chemistry,

First, thanks for the blog love. I totally appreciate it :)

And now... Uggggghhhh...

You just described the dilemma of probably 95 per cent of online daters -- men and women alike. It's a common affliction in the online dating realm. Semi-okay pictures, a sort-of decent profile, a hopeful "maybe this could work" and a determined "let's meet and see if there's anything between us" -- and then 300 dates turns into defeat and disappointment.

I know this feeling all too well.

I never kept track of how many dates I went on, while I was dating, but it was a lot. And I felt as frustrated as I can sense you are feeling right now.

What's the answer to this diabolical dilemma?

First, I think we need to take a brief detour over to the work of Helen Fisher and her anthropological greatness (she's an anthropologist who's studied and recorded how and why we love).

According to Miss Fisher, there are three stages to love:

Lust (bet you know what this one feels like ;)

Attraction

Attachment

I don't have the real estate on this blog post to go into each of these in depth, but let's just say this:

Lust makes you want to rip each others clothes off and hop in the sack every five minutes,

Attraction feels like you're on a drug-induced high, you have bounds of energy, and you can't stop thinking about your man,

Attachment feels like a sublimely calm, warm bubble bath after a long hard day at the office. Ahhhh...

And the kicker is, according to research the Lust & Attraction stages last as minimally as 18 months and as maximally as three years (and I've heard many reports from chemistry-addicts abound that they'd bet this is more like two months to one year).

So you see, Cure-me-with-Chemistry, the reality of long-term love is this: Eventually, it feels like a sublimely warm bath at the end of a long day. Scintillating sexual attraction has a shelf life, so to speak.

THAT doesn't sound promising, so what's a girl like you to do?

Well, Chemistry, it's time for a little self-inquiry.

It's time to start asking yourself the hard questions that you might have otherwise been unable or unwilling to ask yourself in the past. These questions are simple to ask but not necessarily easy to get at the truth -- your truth. (But not to worry, I'll help you do this, should you one day decide to work with me).

Okay, here goes. Ask yourself the following:

Am I really cut out for long-term love?

If the reality is that love is like a warm bath, without all the excitement, passion, and surges of energy to private places, then do you really want to be in a long-term committed relationship? Or do you want to enjoy the call of your loins instead? The reality is, it's only Hollywood, books, religion and other societal norms that say you *should* want to be with someone until death do you part. But do you?

Am I a drama queen who lives for ups, downs, change and excitement?

Drama queen may not be the right term for this, but there are people out there who thrive on change. They live for it. When things get comfortable, they get cagey. Are you one of those people? Are you really cut out for a life time of same old, same old? Not a bad thing if you're not. The purpose of these questions is to get at the heart of who YOU are, and what's going to make you happy.

Am I ready for the deeper intimacy that comes with long-term love?

Don't kid yourself. It takes absolute courage to open yourself up to true love with another human being. It requires you to break down any protective walls that you have up around you from past hurts. It's asks that you allow yourself to be vulnerable, imperfect, honest, truthful, and real. Sometimes we move from one hot thing to the next to avoid going to this deeper place. Think you're ready to go there?

Chemistry (better known as Lust) is Fleeting

Coming back to your question about 300 dates -- 297 of them being promising, but ending in disappointment -- and whether or not you can have a man who gives you butterflies and makes your toes curl. The answer is yes, you can. But you have to be prepared to let that hot passion fade if you want to be together for more than a few months or years.

Time for a little self-inquiry

Dig deep.

Don't be afraid of what you find. It may not be the status quo but that's OK. I speak from experience when I say that life becomes immeasurably happy and fulfilling when you live your life according to who YOU are, honestly. Not who someone else thinks you should be. Or, worse, who you think you should be because you just don't know any better.

Self-inquiry. It's kinda the answer to everything ;)

Lots and Lotsa Love,

How to Deal When You're "Undateable"

2012-05-24T16:24:11-04:00

Dear Colette, I've been online dating for a few years now and I'm sad to report that I haven't had all that much luck. And these days I'm finding it really hard to stay positive because not only are the men I'm interested in not interested in me, but when I write to the men I'd like to know better, their replies are either nonexistent or downright mean.

I know the reason that they do this: Men are visual, and I'm not all that much to look at. I know that. It's been this way my whole life. And in my case, it's not just a matter of losing a few pounds or getting a bit of plastic surgery to correct a large nose or sunken chin. I'm not and never will be the image of beauty in the eyes of men. But I am a great person. I know I am with all of my heart. The proof is in all of the amazing friends that I have. So my question is: what is a woman like me to do when men are visual and I can't get them to look deeper to know my true beauty on the inside? -- Love, Undateable

Dear Undateable,

Thank you so much for posting your question. When I first read it I will admit feeling a little dumbfounded about how to answer. Because really, what is a single woman to do when single men won't give her the time of day? It's a tough one. And at first, I thought it might be too tough to tackle. But after mulling it over, long and hard, here are my thoughts on the matter:

Picture or No Picture?

In the online dating world, your picture is paramount. It's your marketing plan. It's your calling card. Most people, men and women alike, won't give you a second glance if you don't have a picture on your profile to evaluate. So, the question is, when you're not all that much to look at, do you post your picture, or don't you? I think you do. Here's why:

The purpose of online dating is to meet a good man. A man you would consider spending time with, possibly even your life with. And although there are millions of available men online, the reality is, it only takes one. So rather than worry about attracting mounds of men to your no-picture profile, why not put yourself out there, the real you, in all of your gutsy glory? Sure, you may not get many messages, but the ones you do get could lead somewhere good.

Have Faith in Men

Whether you've got a gorgeous grin or not, if the online dating thing is going to work for you, you've got to have faith in men. You've got to hold the belief that there IS a man out there who is mature enough to see beyond your body and willing enough to experience your essence within. These men DO exist and you've got to believe it, if you ever hope to see it.

Value Your Self and Your Worth

Just because you're not a prize-winning beauty queen doesn't mean you deserve to be treated like less than royalty. Many women lacking in looks will lower their standards to be with a man, any man, even if he treats her like garbage. Don't do this. You deserve to be treated like the gold that you are, even if your male miner has to dig beneath your surface to find it.

Perseverance, Persistence, and Patience

It's true that there are men who can be mean, especially if you insult their self-perceived greatness by messaging them with your "homely" hello. Don't let their meanness get to you. No matter what. And when you feel like you're about to sink as low as their remarks, be sure to watch this video made by Lizzie, girl voted the ugliest woman on YouTube. If that's not the harshest thing you've ever heard, I can't imagine what is. But Lizzie didn't let it get her down. If anything, it lifted her up. She's an amazing young woman, someone we can all learn from. Watch her video and then go back to having faith in men. You may not be able to control what men say to you, but keeping your head high and having faith in men is the one thing you CAN do to attract your Mr. Right to you.

Live and Love Your Life

Family. Friends. Career. Free time. You've likely got all of these things and that's a great start to a good life. Now what are you passionate about? Have you discovered your purpose? What is your unique gift? How do you love to spend your time? What makes time disappear? Finding your answer to these questions is a great way to live and love your life now, not in the future when some man graces you with his presence.

Have a Go-to Pick-Me-Up

When the going gets tough, have a top-notch place to go. Whether it's reading a book that lifts your spirits, talking to a good friend, getting in touch with your true self, or some other motivating practice, have a go-to pick-me-up that allows you to feel your down mood, but not wallow in it. The self-proclaimed pity party does nothing but keep you stuck in a sulky state and that's the antithesis of living and loving your life, now.

Trust That Everything is Perfect and Purposeful

In my life, and in the lives of those that I have coached, we often want things that we just don't get. Whether it's selling a house that you want to sell, or getting the job or promotion you're certain you deserve, or even something as remote as winning the lottery. If you've been relying on the Law of Attraction to "get" the relationship you want and it just isn't happening, my wish for you is that you find a way to appreciate what *is*. Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now says that suffering exists in the *gap* between what you want, and what you currently have.

To be happy *now* all you have to do is appreciate and accept what currently *is*.

And if you're doing this, PLUS:

Putting yourself out there,

Maintaining your faith in men,

Keeping your spirits up,

Squashing any sabotaging thoughts, and

Living and loving your life.

Well... That IS the recipe for finding true love, and beyond that, all that's left is *timing*.

And unfortunately, no amount of *doing* can change that.

So, my dear Undateable, I wish you all the best in this moment *now*, and every moment going forward.

Lotsa Love,

If you would like personalized support to help you stay positive as you journey from "me" to "we" I'd love to hear from you! Contact me: Click Here

What To Do If He Doesn't Propose

2012-05-10T16:33:10-04:00

Isn't it totally frustrating? You're with the man of your dreams. He tells you how much he loves you. He tells you that he wants to be with you forever. And yet he refuses to pop the question.

So what gives?

Most Women Are Dying to Get Married
Walt Disney, romantic comedies, television shows and magazines have all told you that your purpose in life is to meet the man of your dreams, get married, and live happily ever after.

From the time you were little this image has been in the back of your mind driving every decision you make about who to date, and for how long. Anyone who isn't marriage material might be fun for a while, but in the end you always decide to move on to someone who is.

Eventually you meet the man of your dreams. You fall in love and you decide to take the next step. You move in together. This is a true sign of commitment from your guy. Everything is good in your world.

But this only lasts for so long. Especially when you start to see all of your girlfriends getting married. Now you begin to wonder how committed your guy truly is if he won't take the next step and ask you to marry him.

But He Won't Pop the Question!

If you are like most women, you've now begun comparing yourself to your newly married girlfriends. You notice that they haven't been together as long as you and your boyfriend have. You notice that they don't get along as well as you and your boyfriend do. You notice they complain about their boyfriends way more than you do about yours. You are certain that they aren't in love with their boyfriends as much as you are with yours.

So why is everyone else getting married but you?

The truth is, there is no simple answer to this question. It really depends on your boyfriend and where he is coming from. There could be any number of reasons he's reluctant to get married. Some examples include:

• He is not religious and doesn't believe in the act of marriage
• He is a child of divorce and doesn't want to end up like his parents
• He doesn't see the value in marriage because it's so easy to divorce anyway
• He believes how he treats you should be enough to let you know he's not going anywhere

From the Female Perspective

You hear all of his reasons for not wanting to marry, and yet you can't let it go. You've got all sorts of excellent arguments for why you should marry. Some of these may include:

• If he really loves you, he will declare it publicly in front of your family and friends
• You're getting older now and you're tired of referring to your partner as your boyfriend
• You don't want to raise a family out of wedlock
• You know you have a better relationship than any of your married friends, so if anything you should be the ones who are married -- not them!

What Can You Do When He Won't Say "I Do"?

If you've had some heated discussions with your boyfriend on the topic of marriage, it's likely to have become a very sensitive subject. If you feel like you are at a dead end with your boyfriend on the issue of marriage there are a couple of things you can do:

You may want to ask if he'd be willing to discuss it further with a relationship therapist or coach:
Advise him that the intent of working with a professional is not to have someone gang up on him. and convince him he has to get married -- any good therapist or coach would never do this!
The purpose of working with a professional is to negotiate each of your needs in a safe place. It allows each of you to express what is really going on inside.

It is likely that both of you aren't totally conscious of your drivers for wanting, or not wanting to be married. Understanding what is truly going on will help you make a more informed decision.

But what if your partner refuses to talk anymore on the subject of marriage, and refuses to work with a professional?

You really must ask yourself if you can live with the fact that you may never get married to this man.

Ultimately you cannot force anyone to do something he or she does not want to do. And even if you did manipulate him to marry you, it would be so bittersweet. The fact that he didn't ask you of his own freewill would nag at you constantly (trust me, this is what happened with me)

You may want to work with a professional on your own to release the intense emotion you have around your need to be married. This is advised especially if you are thinking of leaving the relationship.

I cannot tell you how many times I have worked with recently single women who have just left their boyfriends. Even though they were deeply in love, these women couldn't accept that their boyfriends didn't want to get married. Nine times out of ten these women have regretted their decision.

Words of Encouragement

True love is such a wonderful thing. If you think you have found your soul mate but he refuses to pop the question, I encourage you to revisit your need to be married.

Understand your true motivation to be married by asking yourself the following questions:

If he refuses to marry you are you willing to break-up and start over again?

How much is your ego involved in your need to be married? Hint: your ego is involved if you are worried about what others will think of you if you are not married.

Who is it that says you have to be married in order to be committed? Is this a message from your parents, society, your peers?

Understand what you really think about marriage.

How important is it to you in the grand scheme of things?

If you are madly in love and you know you are going to grow old together, is the piece of paper really all that important?

How Do I Stop Freezing in Front of Men?

2012-05-10T14:59:02-04:00

Dear Colette,

In school I was always the popular one. I wound up having a child at 22. Now I'm 27 and I've been single for 4 years. I use to be carefree and fun loving and I had so much faith that I would eventually meet the right person.

Now, it seems that all of my self-confidence has dissipated. I have a great career and a healthy son, and I think I'm smart and funny, but when it comes to meeting guys I freeze up and can't speak to them anymore. If I do speak to them, I end up sabotaging everything and I don't know why.

I guess my main question is how do I learn self-confidence so that I'm not so afraid or insecure around the opposite sex? Thank you very much. - Nicole

Dear Nicole,

Thank you very much for trusting me with your question. Sincerely, I'm honoured.

You've displayed a whole lot of insight and self-awareness, so first, I want to acknowledge you for that.

But one thing I wonder is: Do you freeze up around all men? Or only those that you are interested in?

Somehow, I get the feeling that it's just the men that you'd like to pursue a relationship with.

Allow me to share a little story with you.

When I first started my private practice in therapy and coaching, I hired a marketing coach. And my coach told me "Colette, to get the word out about you and what you do, you have to start hosting workshops and events."

The moment she told me this, I freaked out. I was terrified. I mean, I had just graduated from my masters in Psychology, and who the heck was I to instantly put myself in the position of "expert" while hosting my own workshop!? It felt totally out of my comfort zone and my ability. I thought it was ludicrous!

But never wanting to succumb to fear, I took her advice and ran with it. I hosted my very first workshop within one month of speaking with her (I don't usually waste a lot of time). It was called "Too many Mr. Wrongs -- Time to Find Your Mr. Right!" and to my surprise people actually came to it. Lots of people, 22 of them in fact. Wonderful, successful, amazing women between the ages of 25 to 50. My marketing coach also came so that she could give me feedback about my performance.

On the night of the event, you can believe I was nervous. But I felt the fear and did it anyway. And, I'm still here -- alive to tell about it.

What was the feedback from my coach? She said (and I'm paraphrasing) "Colette, you did great. There were a few things you said that felt incomplete, and sometimes I wanted you to go deeper into questions that were coming from the group, but your information was solid and helpful, and the reason you'll do well at this is because it's obvious that you care -- people feel safe in your presence -- you are completely charming!"

Hmmph! Well that's not so bad now, is it!?

Why did I share this story with you?

Because the fear I was having was not all that different than the fear you might have when it comes to meeting men.

It's a fear of looking bad.
It's a fear of embarrassing yourself.
It's a fear of doing or saying the wrong thing and being rejected.

But most of all, it's simply just fear -- False Expectations Appearing Real -- and all fears are an illusion.

Everyone has fears. From fear of losing your job, to fearing to learn to ski, to fearing what people (men included) think of you.

We all have fears -- and yes -- our fears feel pretty real when we have them. But here's some great advice:

Do the thing you fear most and the death of fear is certain. - Mark Twain

It's a funny thing when you think about meeting-men-fears.

Because really, what's the worst thing that can happen? You don't spark his interest? You don't get a first date? You end up as someone else's "bad date" story? You have an uneasy 20 minutes that you wish you could have back?

The stakes are so low, so very unimportant, that it's truly a wonder we can fear such a situation. Yet, it happens. When you let your fears cloud your perception of reality, you turn something as harmless as meeting a new man into an anxiety-laden stress-fest.

The answer to your dilemma is this:

Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to acknowledge your fear and move past it.

That's going to be your surest way to increase your confidence with men.

Because unless you have a lot of practice in such social situations, and with men that you find attractive, you won't be a natural. You will freeze up. Your insecurity and fears will paralyze you.

It's just like me and hosting live events -- of course I'm not going to do it perfectly the first time around -- I've never hosted an event before. Of course I'm going to be afraid of saying the wrong thing, and looking bad, or like I don't know my "stuff." But I also know that with experience and practice comes mastery, so the more I do it, the better I'll be at it, and more importantly, the more I'll enjoy it. Same goes with meeting men.

Unless you get more PRACTICE, you're not likely to get any better at it.

Unless you get more PRACTICE, you're not likely to feel any more comfortable doing it.

Unless you get more PRACTICE, your illusional fear will seem real, and you'll stay stuck.

As a formerly fearful workshop leader I'm here to tell you:

You MUST ignore your fear.

You MUST get more experience.

You MUST get yourself out there and practice.

You MUST get back up when you fall.

You MUST stop making mountains out of mole hills -- after all, he is just a man, and the worst he can do is not notice you.

Remember, fears are nothing but false expectations appearing real. If you think there's something to worry about -- like him rejecting you -- you can bet with 100 per cent certainty it will happen.

Change your expectations about the outcome:

Try some of these thoughts on for size when meeting new men:

I'm going to talk to that cute guy because even if he's not interested in me, it will give me the chance to practice.

Even though the stakes are higher because I'm getting older and I'm a mother now, finding the right guy takes work, and I'm not going to find him if I can't even talk to him.

Despite the fact that I'm scared, it's likely that he's got fears and hang-ups too. We all do.

Just because he's good looking, doesn't mean he's a good guy, or "right" for me. I'm going to approach him so that I have the chance to find out.

Even if I do really like him and he doesn't like me, that doesn't mean I'm "no good" or a "bad person." I just means I'm not "right" for him, and that's okay. Knowing this gives me the chance to move on to the next guy.

Hugs and Love,
Colette

Your Relationship To Unconditional Love

2011-08-04T02:00:33-04:00

What is your relationship to unconditional love?

Are you experiencing it now in your relationship?

If not, why...?

I have some thoughts:

We "reorder" our lives when we choose spirit over the illusions of physical circumstances. Each time we choose to enhance our inner power, we limit the authority of the physical world over our lives, bodies, health, minds, and spirits.

From an energy point of view, every choice that enhances our spirits strengthens our energy field; and the stronger our energy field, the fewer our connections to negative people and experiences. -- Carolyn Myss, Anatomy of The Spirit.

In the physical world we live in today, where there is so much uncertainty, changeability, and ambivalence, we are wise -- like never before -- to place all of our reference points for security, safety, and supply on the only place it truly exists.

Within.

Until you recognize this important fact, you will go about your life giving the responsibility for your safety, security, acceptance and love to others.

In essence, what many of us say (not in so many words) is: "love me, keep me safe, never leave me, and I will return the favor and do the same for you."

But what is this?

This is *conditional love*.

Yet so many of you say you want a relationship that is *unconditionally loving*.

If this is truly the case, the only way to achieve this highly evloved goal in your relationship, is to remove your conditions -- and take back the responsibility for yourself --onto yourself, on the source of your infinite supply:

Your inner (or) higher-self.

When this relationship is strong, every other relationship in your physical world occurs naturally, gracefully, and with ease.

Not so sure?

Give it a try and let me know how it goes. What have you got to lose?

Much Love,
Colette Kenney

P.S. If it's time for you to strengthen your relationship with your inner-self, I would be honored to assist you. I have room for one more new client this month.

Relationship Advice: Everything Will Be Alright in the End

2011-07-06T10:42:01-04:00

Just the other day I was looking for a card for my sweetie Todd. We had gone through a little bit of an upset in our relationship and I wanted to bridge the gap between us with a few thoughtful words.

I ended up coming across one of those "quoteables" cards that said:

"Everything will be alright in the end.
If it's not alright, it's not the end."
-Unknown

And this got me thinking...

Todd and I have been together for four years this October, and it's been absolutely blissful until just recently. Throughout our relationship we've had a few flare-ups where he is irritable and I take it personally.

Even though, I'm told time and again that his irritability is not my stuff -- it's his -- and I need to let it go.

But an unconscious reaction is an unconscious reaction.

These things happen.

And according to one of my favorite personal transformation experts, Aleya Dao: "We will do the opposite of what we intend to master until we've mastered it."

For Todd, his irritability is a sign that a boundary has been crossed, not held or respected (Aleya Dao, The Flip It Sheet). To overcome his irritability, Todd must master honoring his boundaries, so that others can as well.

For me, my emotional reactivity to his irritability is a sign that I am holding responsibility for his "stuff" (Aleya Dao, The Flip It Sheet). To end my reactivity to Todd's irritability I am asked to open my heart and have compassion for him.

Not exactly the first thought that comes to mind when we're in the heat of the moment.

But I've decided to give it a try.

In fact, when I look back on our relationship over the past four years, the reason it has been so blissful, was because I have always done this. Todd would be irritable -- and I would be compassionate.

But lately, I've been so overwhelmed with trying to make a living as an entrepreneur, which meant that I've had way less capacity to be compassionate when Todd really needs me to be.

Hence, our recent flare-up -- That really was a doozy!

Using your relationship as your spiritual practice.

I've always believed that relationships are the best spiritual practice we could ever engage in. Just like I've demonstrated above, we trigger each other and show each other where we most need to grow.

And the thing I love most about relationships as our spiritual practice is that you get to grow and evolve with the one person on the planet you love and adore most.

How awesome is that?

Reflecting on these recent events, here's what I know for sure:

"Everything will be alright in the end.
If it's not alright, it's not the end."
-Unknown

I am opening my heart to allow greater compassion to come through me in every moment.

Should another flare-up occur, and I react just the same, well then I'll know that I haven't yet mastered what I've intended to master. It's not yet the end of my emotional reactivity - I have more compassion to be, feel, and express.

If you were honest with yourself:

What have you been doing that is the opposite of what you intend to master?