Josey Vogels2013-05-25T04:52:51-04:00Josey Vogelshttp://www.huffingtonpost.ca/author/index.php?author=josey-vogelsCopyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc.HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Josey VogelsGood old fashioned elbow grease.Changing Manscapetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.12906202012-02-21T10:06:42-05:002012-04-22T05:12:01-04:00Josey Vogelshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/josey-vogels/
The sexy Burt Reynolds chest rug of the '70s is long gone. With the rise of the metrosexual in the '90s and the more recent trend of "manscaping," it seems men are getting massaged, waxed and polished, well frankly, like a bunch of girls.
Men now make up nearly a third of all spa-goers, according to the International Spa Association, which oddly seems to only carry stats on U.S. spas. The Canadian Spa Association didn't have stats, but one can assume more and more Canadian guys are also getting massaged, waxed and polished.
Personally, I'm quietly impressed by a guy who's confident enough in his masculinity to have his dry skin buffed by microbeads of volcanic pumice as they do in the Defense Zone Facial for Men at The Camelback Inn in Arizona. And frankly, women have long known that you have to be tough as well-manicured nails to endure a genital waxing.
While there seems to be some concern that all this primping and pampering is threatening more traditional notions of masculinity -- real men are hairy, smell like horses, and don't fuss over their looks -- I think it's about time. Given the work women have been putting into their appearances for ages, it only seems fair that guys at least worry a little bit about, oh, I don't know, their back hair.
Still, there's a fine line, it seems, between maintenance and high-maintenance when it comes to male grooming. As my cousin's daughter, Angela Vogels, put it: "It's nice if men put some effort into their appearance, but high maintenance men are a turn-off. I like to be the prettiest one in the relationship."
That fine line is emphasized by the fact that most spas clearly try to make the experience as "ungirly" as possible with manly sounding packaging like the Tough Guys spa package at Ocean Key Resort & Spa in Key West, Florida, or the The Gentlemen's Urban Defense Facial at the Four Seasons Hotel Chicago. The Men's Zone Spa at Caesar's Palace in Las Vegas features a big screen TV so guys can get pampered while watching the game. They can even bet while they get buffed.
The insane popularity of that immensely popular and brilliant "The Man You Man Could Smell Like" Old Spice campaign last year (if you were living under a rock, check it out) is the perfect example of this new masculinity. Today's man is manly enough to ride a horse backwards or sail a yacht, but sensitive enough to buy us diamonds and offer us two tickets to that thing you love.
]]>Are Kids Who Watch Porn Sexxx-Obsessed?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.12424632012-01-31T09:23:25-05:002012-04-01T05:12:01-04:00Josey Vogelshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/josey-vogels/statistics, most kids have viewed explicit online material by age 11. But because it's not exactly scientifically ethical to plunk kids down, make them watch hours of porn and ask them what they think, it's difficult to study the effect viewing this stuff is having on them.
Some have tried. In the CBC documentary Porndemic, they interviewed Edmonton's Sonya Thompson, whose graduate work focused on researching the effects of pornography on young people. Finally, I thought, some answers. Thompson got as far as finding out that by age 13 to 14, 75 per cent of kids had seen porn online. After that, her funding dried up. Seems that while we assume that viewing all this sexual imagery will automatically turn today's kids into a bunch of porn-addicted, sexually depraved, emotionally stilted adults, no one wanted to pay for the research to prove it.
The Swedes have gone there. They interviewed youth aged 14 to 20 about their experiences and perceptions of porn and found that more boys watch more than girls, girls watch it more as they get older, and generally with someone they are involved with. Not much new there.
A 2008 University of Amsterdam study found teens that watched more Internet porn had a more open attitude to casual hookups, one-night stands and a "recreational" view of sex. The researchers warned, however, that one did not lead to the other. That teens who are already more interested in sex than their peers are going to be more interested in finding sexual content on the Internet.
Last year, the Internet Safety Technical Task Force, created by 49 U.S. state attorneys general and a bunch of Internet-savvy folk, said in their final report that while "unwanted exposure to pornography does occur, those most likely to be exposed are those seeking it out."
They reported that kids' family dynamics and psychological makeup "are better predictors of risk than the use of specific media or technologies."
"Kids in the 21st century are going to be exposed to sexually explicit images, and it's naive to think they won't be. The better way is to make sure kids are educated about healthy sex and are media literate. Any other approach is doomed to failure."
It's like fast food. Kids are exposed to it all the time and McDonalds isn't going away anytime soon. As such, we need to teach kids proper nutrition and how to develop a healthy relationship with food. And that the occasional fast food indulgence is okay.
]]>Couples Sleeping Separately: Why Separate Beds Can Save Your Relationshiptag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.12127752012-01-18T09:47:29-05:002012-03-19T05:12:01-04:00Josey Vogelshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/josey-vogels/
Snoring isn't the only difficulty. He likes the room warm, you like it cool. He likes lots of blankets, you like only a sheet. He gets up to pee seven times a night. You toss and turn. He hogs the pillows. You hog the sheets. He likes to go to bed early. You like to read until the wee hours. You like to wake up to the news on the radio. He can only wake with that annoying buzzer...
Still, conventional thinking deems it important to share a bed despite all your differences because there is intimacy in sleeping together. Not sleeping together either implies trouble in paradise, or will lead to it. Sleeping together in a double bed is a cultural indicator that you're in love.
Truth be told, I find it admirable -- even highly evolved -- that certain couples can admit that sleeping apart and having your own space can actually be good for a relationship.
It has to be much better for the relationship than being sleep-deprived, no?
The resulting lousy night's sleep can be linked to everything from depression to heart disease, strokes, traffic ad industrial accidents and even divorce.
This goes against conventional wisdom. As a culture, we believe that sleeping separately is a sign of trouble in paradise that leads to marital doom.
But Stanley, who sleeps separately from his wife, says that historically, couples sharing a bed wasn't even common until the industrial revolution, when people moved to overcrowded towns and cities and living space was limited.
In ancient Rome, for example, the marital bed was for one thing, and that wasn't sleeping.
I've long believed that sleeping apart -- even having separate bedrooms -- can actually be good for a relationship. Not only do you get a decent night's sleep, but you get your own space when you need it and you can relish in the excitement of sneaking into each other's room just like when you were just dating and your parents made you sleep in separate bedrooms when you stayed with them. Besides, nothing builds resentment more than watching your partner sleep blissfully beside you while you toss and turn beside them. How is that good for a relationship?
I'm sure lots of couples don't have a problem sleeping in the same bed. Some may actually even enjoy it. But if you don't, and it's affecting the quality of your sleep, you need to get over the fact that sleeping separately is unhealthy for the relationship because the exact opposite may be true.
It may well be that what your relationship really needs is a good night's sleep... in separate beds.
What your sleeping position reveals about your personality, according to sleep expert, Professor Chris Idzikowskia:
]]>Snowballs, Hussies and the Evils of Kissingtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.11658062012-01-05T16:09:11-05:002012-03-06T05:12:01-05:00Josey Vogelshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/josey-vogels/
I didn't even know what the word meant. I was 11, after all. I just knew it was bad.
My unspeakable trangression? I had crossed over into the boy's side of the schoolyard to rescue a massive snowball from the destructive forces of a hoard of 11 and 12-year-old boys. I merely thought it could be put to better use. A snowman, perhaps.
Any creative juices in me were immediately quelled by the shrill voice of my stern Catholic schoolteacher, screeching at me to "GET AWAY FROM THOSE BOYS!"
Later, in religion class, I was chided me for my scandalous act. "I've never seen such behaviour," the woman sputtered, her thin lips twisted into a scowl. "This young hussy out in the yard making a fool of herself with the boys."
She may as well have sewed a scarlet "A" on my shirt. I was confused, somewhat embarrassed but mostly annoyed. My behaviour hardly seemed to warrant such scorn.
I began to think there was something off with this whole Catholic approach to male/female relations.
My suspicions were further aroused (yes Teach, I said aroused, what does that make me?) when, the following year, this same teacher told us that we'd get pregnant if we kissed a boy. I had kissed at least one boy up to this point and, as far as I knew, at age 12, I wasn't with child.
I later discovered there were, oh, a few extra steps required between kissing and becoming pregnant that my teacher had clearly neglected to explain. The jig was up. I decided I wasn't buying any more of the bunk Catholic school was feeding me when it came to boys, hussies, snowballs or kissing as gateway drug.
It'd be a bit of a stretch to trace the origins of my career as a sex columnist back to a schoolyard snowball scandal, but I do find it amusing that this young hussy went on to make a living writing about sex and frankly, challenging much of what I feel is misguided info the Catholic Church puts out there when it comes to sex.
It's especially amusing when you consider it's thanks to some of this misguided information that I'm even here in the first place. Let me explain.
I'm the youngest of eight. Duh, yes, my parents were Catholic. When my mom was pregnant with my brother, the seventh, complications led her doctor to advise that, after giving birth to my brother, she should close shop and get a hysterectomy (it was 1963 and they didn't do things halfway back then). She and dad decided they best consult their priest before making this decision (given his no doubt vast experience with women's reproductive issues and making babies). He was dead set against it, as interfering with conception was considered pretty much a one-way ticket to hell. Heaven forbid (literally), you let a little risk of death during childbirth stand in the way of popping out another one of God's snotty-nosed, I mean, beautiful little creatures.
So there they were, weighing their options -- hysterectomy and go to hell or potential death during childbirth... hysterectomy... death by childbirth. Tough one. Faced with such a stressful decision and, well, sex being the great stress releaser, they had some and got pregnant with me. Once both mom and I made it out alive, she said, "Sorry G, but I'm shutting 'er down" and had a hysterectomy. And, tah dah, I had the Catholic Church to thank in part for allowing me to sneak in under the wire.
I suppose I should be grateful. But like that little hussy on the schoolyard, the unfairness and the twisted logic of it all ultimately served to make me more defiant than deferential.
I can't help wonder if that priest might have changed his counsel had he known I was to go on and devote my life to writing about sex, touring schools to promote condom use and contraception choices or, er, defiling myself to raise money for women's sexual health in masturbate-a-thons (I'll have to save that for another column, perhaps during Masturbation Month in May when the next masturbate-a-thon rolls around).
It just goes to show you that, confusing people, teaching them half-truths or denying them full access to something as fundamental as their sexuality usually backfires.
Just look at the glut of evidence demonstrating the failure of abstinence-only sex education south of the border. Turns out all those kids who took "virginity pledges" had just as many sexual partners and had sex at the same average age as those who didn't take the pledge. And a study out of the U.S. discovered that five per cent of teens that said they'd never had sex had an STD. As a Twitter friend commented: What is that? Immaculate misconception?
Oh, and that whole forcing priests to remain celibate thing? That's worked out really well for all those reform school and altar boys, hasn't it?
If I remember correctly (okay, I admit it, I had to Google it), the Ninth Commandment is "Thou shall not lie"? Pretty sure spreading hypocrisy and misinformation would fit under this umbrella.
As a good, Catholic hussy, I guess I just decided at some point that when it comes to sex, it felt better to tell the truth. Huh, maybe I'm not so defiant after all.
]]>Relationship Quiz: Will You Survive Christmas Together?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.11648682011-12-22T08:24:42-05:002012-02-21T05:12:02-05:00Josey Vogelshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/josey-vogels/ Your baby's idea of a great Christmas gift is:
a) His and hers matching door stoppers.
b) A romantic weekend away and a nude self-portrait.
c) Waiting until after Christmas "when everything's on sale" to get your gift.
Decorating the tree together gives you the opportunity to:
a) Eventually get the job done, but not without arguing over differing tinsel-hanging techniques and having one of you say, "Fine, do it yourself then!" and plunking down on the couch to drink wine while continuing to criticize the other's tree-trimming.
b) Bond over your similar taste in decorating while you string popcorn and share warm, fuzzy memories of tree decorating as a child.
c) Find out how neat glass Christmas ornaments sound when they pop when hitting the wall because you missed your honey's head.
You go shopping together for something for each other's mothers:
a) You give yourselves a time limit and head to the mall and end up leaving with two pairs of slippers.
b) You spend a wonderful afternoon looking for just the right thing and finally settle on gifts you both agree will be perfect for each of them.
c) Your honey suggests you start at the sex shop.
Christmas with your date's family is:
a) An organizational nightmare that ends up being an exercise in seeing whom you can tick off the most as you try to fit in visits to all four sets of parents because both your parents are divorced.
b) Better than Christmas with your own family.
c) Like having a Christmas tree, ornaments and all, shoved up your backside.
What best describes the relationship you have with your date's family?
a) They welcome you, but constantly make references to your date's last love and how much they miss him or her and wish they were still together.
b) They treat you like a member of the family and often give you better presents than they give your date.
c) They ask you to wait in the car while they give their son or daughter their gifts.
Your mom buys your date a really ugly sweater for Christmas, you:
a) Force your honey to wear it and then giggle maniacally every time he or she does.
b) Wear it that night to bed with nothing on underneath.
c) Come across it later in a bucket full of rags your date uses to clean the floor.
Which Christmas carol best describes your relationship:
a) "Deck the Halls"
b) "O Come All Ye Faithful"
c) "Blue Christmas"
If you answered mostly A's, put on your helmets and hide any sharp objects and you might just make it through.
If you answered mostly B's, dust off your copy of It's a Wonderful Life and warm up some rum and cider. You guys will make everyone sick with your holiday bliss.
If you answered mostly C's there's still time to consider the preemptive strike before you blow a wad of cash on him or her.
]]>Christmas Gift-Giving: The True Test of Your Relationshiptag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.11469572011-12-14T09:00:18-05:002012-02-13T05:12:01-05:00Josey Vogelshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/josey-vogels/
The etiquette of gift giving in relationships isn't always obvious. Particularly when it's early in a relationship, or Christmas shows up before you've actually identified whatever it is that is going on between you as a relationship. Emily Post never included a rule for how many times you have to sleep with someone before they warrant a Christmas present.
And, should you decide to take the risk and give a gift to someone you've just started seeing, what you get them can be even more revealing. Something too personal might have too much meaning; something impersonal might not have enough. Something too generic is, well, too generic. Something too practical lacks romance; something too romantic is too risky. Spending too little seems cheap; spending too much is extravagant.
Before you know it, an innocent little gift has taken on the ability to define a relationship faster than you can say, "I hope you kept the receipt."
A friend of mine learned this lesson last Christmas. The guy she was seeing was about to leave the country for at least a year, but despite their attempts to avoid getting too involved before he left, they did, and she felt strongly enough about him to want to give him a Christmas gift. "I put a lot of effort and thought into a gift for him -- a homemade CD and a safety charm for travellers, wrapped up very lovingly. When I gave it to him, he said he felt bad because he hadn't got me anything. Of course, I told him it didn't matter, but inside I felt like I'd been kicked in the stomach."
Yes, despite all that "to give is better than to receive" crap, when you're seeing someone, giving without receiving sucks. It screams "Obviously, I care more about you than you do about me."
Sometimes, a bad gift can be very telling. Once, a guy gave me a pair of sparkly, plaid Converse running shoes for Christmas after we had been going out (and I use the term loosely) for less than a month. Trust me, I'm not a sparkly plaid kinda gal. In fact, I'm not even a running shoe kinda gal. Right then, I knew it wasn't to be. I thanked him politely and shoved them into the Sally Ann bag in the back of my closet. We broke up a few weeks later.
But the politics of gift giving isn't lost only on the newly united. Even if you've been together for years, gift giving can speak volumes about the relationship. One year I agonized over what to get my boyfriend. I combed stores in two cities, searching high and low for that perfect gift. I finally found it: a vintage hockey sweater, the last one in the store -- maybe even the last one on the planet. This, I thought, would tell him how much I cared, how well I understood and accepted who he was -- a big issue in our relationship was that he was into sports and I wasn't -- and how much I loved him. I couldn't wait to give it to him. We didn't end up exchanging presents until after Christmas because he said he hadn't had the time to find something for me. Ouch! When we did finally exchange gifts, he handed me mine -- a gift certificate for a massage. Ouch again! This was what he needed extra time to find? Mind you, by this point I was badly in need of a massage, especially since the sweater didn't quite get the reaction I anticipated.
But the whole thing was a perfect reflection of what was wrong with our relationship: me doing backflips to make things work, and him forever responding with too little, too late.
Remember: "It's the thought that counts." As in, the amount of thought you put into giving your loved one a Christmas gift will directly reflect how much thought you put into the relationship.
Yes, when it comes to gifts for that special someone, you will be tested on the following criteria: uniqueness, originality, how much trouble you went to and your ability to pick up on the subtle hints she's been throwing your way for the last six months. What's up with that? No matter how much you ogle, coo and fawn over things when you're out together, beginning every second sentence with "I really need/want...," some people still insist they know what you want/need better than you do and they never get you any of the things you've been slobbering over.
Pay attention people. Especially when it comes to clothing. I avoid buying clothes for lovers unless something specific has been pointed out to me. Unless you're absolutely sure, don't put yourself in the position of having to ask, "Honey, how come you never wear that lime-green sweater dress I bought you?" This is especially true if you're thinking lingerie. I'm sorry guys, but those cheesy, butt-riding, scratchy, cheap lace teddies simply don't qualify. And gals, no Daffy Duck boxers please!
While buying guys power tools might be acceptable, buying women household appliances is best avoided, as far as I'm concerned. "Oh wow, a new washing machine. This will make doing all your filthy laundry so much more fun. Gee, thanks, dear."
That said, she may welcome certain practical gifts (In fact, one of my favourite gifts was a cordless screwdriver. Just make sure your gal's the power-tool type). A friend of mine admits that what she thought at the time to be one of the worst presents she ever got -- a sewing machine -- turned out to be one of the best. "I had to grow into in it."
But you don't have to spend big bucks. Use your imagination. How about a fruit basket with notes attached to each piece of fruit telling the other person what you'd like to do with it and the time and place you'd like to do it? A male friend of mine buys a nice little box and puts something significant to the relationship inside. Cheap and meaningful.
In fact, you could save yourself a lot of stress and potential disappointment and both agree to scrap the whole gift thing altogether. Get a bottle of wine, some take-out and spend all that shopping time in bed together for the day, with the phone unplugged. Now there's a good gift.
Happy Holidays!]]>Have Sex Toys, Will Traveltag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.11147262011-11-29T09:27:33-05:002012-01-29T05:12:01-05:00Josey Vogelshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/josey-vogels/
Well, maybe not if you're en route to speak at a sex toy party convention. The custom officer looked at me, eyebrows cocked, and asked the very question running through your mind right now. "A sex toy convention?"
Um, yeah, home sex toy parties -- kind of like Tupperware parties except that instead of flogging food storage ideas, they flog, well, floggers and such.
"Right ma'am, pull your car over there, please."
The four custom guys stifled giggles as they spent the next half hour pulling my car apart looking for... for what, semi-automatic weapons disguised as Rabbit Pearl vibrators? Cocaine-injected dildos?
When they were satisfied I didn't in fact have a trunk full of illegal French ticklers or whatever it was they were looking for, they sent me on my way.
When you're in my line of work, travelling with sex toys is part of the job. Which is why I was relieved when earlier this year the Tranportation Security Administration officials in the U.S. announced that "whips, chains, handcuffs, vibrators, and other personal 'toys' that don't exceed certain measurements are OK to pack in your carry-on as long they don't become 'club-like,'" according to Lifehacker.com.
As far as I know, no one has ever been "clubbed" on a plane with a vibrator, but in these post-9/11 days, when a tube of liquid hair gel is a potential threat, what's a customs guy to do with a bag full of tubes of personal lubricant?
Confiscate them... of course.
"I needed them for a lecture and I was paranoid about them leaking in the depressurized baggage area, so I put them in my carry on," explains Trina Read, an author and sex coach from Calgary. "They exceeded the liquid restrictions and got confiscated. Duh! It cost me a lot to replace them and I'm sure security gleefully doled them out at the end of the day."
Sometimes, travelling with sex toys can work in your favour. Another time Read was travelling with a suitcase full of vibrators -- for a lecture NOT for personal use, she insists A security guy unzipped her bag, looked in, turned beet red and quickly closed it again. "I went through the security line in seconds," laughs Read. "I spend way more time getting checked when I'm not carrying vibrators."
Sue Johanson, Canada's most famous sex educator, lectures across Canada and never travels without her Elephant and her Juicer. Yes, both are sex toys.
At the tiny airport in Lethbridge, Alberta, she usually encounters a certain seasoned WWII vet turned airport security guard. "He can't for the life of him figure out what these things are used for," she laughs. "He thinks they're grenades or something that will explode imminently."
Luckily, when you're Sue Johanson, someone in line inevitably recognizes "that sex lady" and, before long, the entire line is cheering her on as security guards sheepishly sift through her bag of goodies.
The Canadian Air Transport Security Authority has no official policy when it comes to traveling with sex toys, and while their website lists hundreds of items that are and aren't allowed in your carry on -- Yaqua blowguns: illegal; snow globes: legal -- there is no mention of anything even remotely sex-toy related.
I called the 1-800 number to inquire if I could bring vibrators and lube in my carry-on for an upcoming lecture in another city. The lube would be fine as long as it was 100ml or less. The vibrators? Also fine as long as I didn't pack spare batteries in my checked luggage. Handcuffs and whips? One second ma'am, I'll have to check. When he came back on the line, he told me that only cops and security people can bring handcuffs on board. The cuffs and whips would have to go in my checked bag. Good to know. Thank you sir. No problem ma'am. Have a nice day.
Morpheus, a Toronto-based sex educator includes a whole section on travelling with sex toys in his book How to be Kinkier: More Adventures in Adult Playtime.
"You can travel with your toys," he writes, "but you need to use some common sense, pay attention to the rules and regulations regarding restricted and prohibited items, and put all your stuff in your checked luggage.
"And remember," he says, "baggage gets thrown around so don't be upset if you simply had to bring that $300 glass dildo along on a business trip and now it is in three pieces once you open up your luggage at the hotel; it's your fault for bringing it."
When he travels, Morpheus packs all his toys on top of his luggage. "If they are going to paw through them, I would rather they get to them easily instead of having to dig through my underwear and toiletries."
Or you could just do what American sex therapist Diana Wiley did. When she showed up at security with a bag full of sex toys for a speaking engagement, the male security guard opened her bag and simply stood there staring.
Wiley looked back at him with her most confident, sassy smile and said, "It takes a lot to get me off."
He waved her through. ]]>Is Your Dog Ruining Your Relationship?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.10282582011-10-31T09:09:47-04:002011-12-31T05:12:01-05:00Josey Vogelshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/josey-vogels/The Complete Single's Guide to Being a Dog Owner.
JV: What do you do when your dog doesn't like your date?
BR: If your dog generally likes people but just doesn't like your date, I think it's important to take note; animals have a sense about people. If your dog is usually friendly with new people but hiding behind your legs, snarling when at your new suitor, pay attention. But if your dog is generally possessive of you and unfriendly to potential suitors, you need to work on desensitizing the dog. Make him enjoy meeting new people; have your dates, friends who come over even the mailman give your dog a treat. Make him realize new people are not a threat, but in fact pretty awesome because they come bearing treats.
JV: What if your date doesn't like your dog?
BR: Some people need time to warm up to a dog, and that is understandable and you should allow for a bonding period. However if your date is disrespectful to your commitment to your dog, i.e., encourages you to leave him or her alone overnight "because, she'll be ok, it's just one night, or a few more hours," I think this a bad sign. Caring for your dog is part of you and, off the bat, they are showing you they care more about what they want than what you want.
JV: What if your dog usually sleeps with you but your date doesn't want him in the bed?
BR: Don't hate your date if they are uncomfortable with your dog sleeping in bed right off the bat. You may be able to bring them over to the dark side eventually, and in the meantime, get an ottoman or raised dog bed so that your dog can sleep next to you, just technically not on the bed.
JV: When getting intimate, bedroom door closed or open to the dog?
BR: I may love my dog, but let's get real; having a dog in the bed is not conducive to romance. So when the mood arises, it's a good idea to keep your dog separated from the action. For some dogs that means putting them in their dog bed on the floor and they will pass out oblivious to your activities. But others may need to be removed from the room and given a treat to avoid any crying at the door.
JV: How common is it for people to give up a pet for a relationship?
BR: It happens too often, particularly with women. It's a control thing and an important warning sign. If someone asks you to give up a beloved pet, what else are they going to ask you to change?
JV: How common is it for people to choose their pet over a relationship?
BR: A lot of people choose to stay home with their pet instead of getting out there and dating. When you think about the brutal world of dating, one can understand the impulse to avoid it and stay home with someone cuddly who thinks you rock (your dog). But it's not good for you or your dog. For you, you need to look at what's going on with you that makes you not want to connect, and for your dog it's not fair because you may eventually resent the dog as the reason why you're single
JV: What are the best breeds for singles and why?
BR: Don't get an Australian Shepherd if you're a couch potato in an apartment or a pug if you want a running mate. Getting an older dog is a really good idea for single people. Training a puppy is challenging and expensive. Getting an older dog that knows the meaning of the word no and who won't destroy your apartment when you have to go work is key. And one more thing... you may not be single forever and the dog you get as a single person now will eventually become a family dog when you have kids. Not all dogs are well suited for children, so take that into consideration when choosing a dog. I've help too many very sad people have to find new homes for their dogs once baby arrives.
Check out Rosenfeld's blog about all things dog at lovethydog.com]]>Addicted to Porntag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.10176562011-10-18T12:24:40-04:002011-12-18T05:12:01-05:00Josey Vogelshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/josey-vogels/
I'm a porn addict.
According to at least one popular right-wing, American, anti-porn lobby group, "a person is addicted to pornography when he or she goes back for more."
I've gone back for more, and not always just for research.
Then again, can porn, and/or sex, truly become addictions like drugs or alcohol? Is increased access to porn on the Internet actually creating more porn addicts?
And, if you are a sex or porn addict, is it like alcohol, one quick peek and you're off the wagon? How then could a porn addict survive in a world jammed with sexual imagery? Poke his eyes out?
As someone who has seen a lot of porn (online and elsewhere) and thinks and writes about sex (even has it on occasion), shouldn't all this exposure should have me good and hooked on both by now?
I called Stanton Peele for some answers. Peele, author of the book Love and Addiction, has been studying, thinking, writing and speaking (I wonder if you can become addicted to the subject of addiction) about addictions of all kinds since 1969.
"Like any other addiction, sex can be considered an addiction if the person is harming themselves physically or emotionally," Peele tells me over the phone. "If you masturbate so much that you can't interact with people for example, it's a little dysfunctional. The question you should ask yourself is, 'Are your sexual activities increasing your abilities to get genuinely gratifying sex with another individual on a regular basis or diminishing them?"
I think I'm okay on that front. I still seem to manage some good, emotionally satisfying sex once in awhile, solo or with someone else.
So what about the accessibility argument -- this idea that because porn is so accessible online, it's creating porn addicts. I remember a time when I subscribed to the Game Show Network and was able to watch game shows any time of the day or night and it did get a little ugly.
"It's that age-old question," Peele continues. "Does the fact that porn is more accessible make it easier for those who are susceptible to become hooked? Most of us have been exposed to porn sites by now and we're not all addicted to them. But maybe it's similar to gambling. If you have one-armed bandits in every bar and restaurant, you're going to lure more people into tempting their limits."
So what are you gonna do? Shut down every porn site on the Internet? I'm sure the anti-porn lobbyists would be all for it. Probably not going to happen though.
Which is why Peele has spent years challenging the whole notion of addiction -- to alcohol, drugs, porn or sex -- as a disease, that is, something beyond a person's control, a theory that keeps 12-step organizations like Alcoholics Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous (or anything else Anonymous) in business.
"If you go out and tell people that porn addiction is a disease -- that someone is born a sex addict -- and if that if that person is exposed to sex or porn, they won't be able to control themselves, well, how is that going to work?" questions Peele. In his opinion, "It's impossible to avoid sex and sexually-oriented material entirely."
I think even Sexaholics Anonymous struggles with this reality.
In AA, where total abstinence is the goal, some people find that one one drop of alcohol is too much. Sexaholics Anonymous allows its members to have sex but only within a marital relationship.
"I don't know how they come up this idea that you won't lose control as long as you have sex with a husband or wife," laughs Peele. "This is a moralistic value judgment that may not work for everyone or even be an option. And besides, just because you're married to the person doesn't mean the sex is healthy and meaningful."
That's not to say there aren't plenty of people wasting way too much time with porn or really messing up their life with their need for sex. But like any other "addiction," I think that it has to do with our own abilities to cope and achieve healthy, interpersonal sexual and emotional relationships.
"It's remarkable how many things human beings do that some people do too much of... to the point that it becomes detrimental and negative," says Peele. "Sex is really just one of a large number of appetite-related activities that we have to learn to deal with moderately to be able to live successfully."
Some of us learn to do this better than others for a whole slew of reasons: our upbringing, our emotional baggage, the speed of our Internet connection.
I don't think wiping out porn would wipe out people's problems achieving genuine intimacy. In fact, maybe the Internet is doing us a favour and bringing our sexual dysfunctions out of the closet so we actually have to face them.
]]>The Other Reason Your Kids Don't Talk to You About Sextag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.10087162011-10-13T09:26:29-04:002011-12-13T05:12:01-05:00Josey Vogelshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/josey-vogels/
He has never come to talk to her about anything.
I don't want to come down on my sister, but I just think it's sad how uncomfortable so many parents still are when talking to their kids about sex. Sure, I realize a lot of kids feel like parents are the last people they want to talk to when it comes to sex, but isn't that partly because parents are still so awkward and obviously embarrassed by it themselves?
It would seem so if you believe a study out of Ohio State University at Marion that was published in the Journal of Adolescence. The study -- "Dating and Disclosure: Adolescent Management of Information Regarding Romantic Involvement" -- revealed that, predictably, the more teenagers trusted their parents to accept and understand their decisions, the more likely they were to share the details of their love lives. "But if you haven't been talking to your children about their daily lives all along, asking about sex isn't going to elicit any information," says lead author of the study Christopher Daddis.
The problem, agrees Patricia Jamieson of Kids Help Phone, a toll-free, 24-hour national counseling and referral service for kids (kidshelpphone.ca, 1-800-668-6868), is that most parents are still too embarrassed to talk to their kids about sex. "They're relieved to have the school do it."
Parents are worried they'll say the wrong thing, she explains, or that the kid's going to ask if mommy and daddy do it. (I don't know about you but that was the last thing I wanted to know as a kid.) "It's hard enough to talk to kids about other stuff in their lives never mind yucky old sex," says Jamieson. "It's tough to explain to a nine-year-old what oral sex is."
So how do you explain what oral sex is to a nine-year-old?
"If a kid calls wanting to know, we usually ask them where they heard about it so we can figure out the context," says Jamieson. "Then we ask them if they have anyone they can ask questions of rather than get the information from a complete stranger. If they don't have anyone they can talk to and still insist on an explanation, we tell them it's something adults do during sex. You have to understand most kids want to know what something is, not how to do it."
Making kids comfortable about nudity and sexuality from the day they're born is essential to a healthy sexuality. Kids learn mostly by example. And being open with your kids doesn't mean you have to have little Billy show off his new masturbation skills to Aunt Betty when she comes to visit. Privacy and appropriate behaviour are all part of a healthy sexuality.
As is having good sex. I still think that what is lacking mostly in any information we give kids about sex is pleasure, and, dare I say it, technique. We're so terrified of letting kids in on the secret that, hey, sex can be fun, especially if you're good at it. Maybe we're afraid this might make them want to do it. Of course, they do it anyway because they're surrounded by the suggestion of it (and end up having bad sex because they don't know what the heck they're doing). We push our kids to be the best they can be in everything else they do -- why not sex too?
And one presumes that, if you have a kid, you've likely had sex. So you should have some idea what you're talking about. If my kid asked me to explain nuclear fusion on the other hand, well, then I'd be a little nervous.
]]>"Where Do Babies Come From?" and More Awkward Conversations With Kidstag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.9943252011-10-05T10:34:48-04:002011-12-05T05:12:01-05:00Josey Vogelshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/josey-vogels/
"Three?" my friend asks, thinking they'd only discussed hair growth and boobies.
"Yeah, I'm going to get hair on my vagina and under my arms, then I'll get bigger boobies, and then a big butt," she declares.
Ah, kids say the darndest things! Especially when it comes to sex.
Like another friend's daughter who watched mommy breastfeed her newborn sister and then went to her new school and promptly asked her new female principal: "Who drinks milk from your boobies?"
Or the older of a mom's two sons who asked her how babies are made when he was seven. After consulting some books on how to talk to your kids about sex, she explained it to him. He looked at her with a horrified look and said "You mean you and daddy did that twice?!"
Another mom, pregnant with her fourth child decided to be straight with her eight-year-old when he asked her how she got pregnant in the first place. "He giggled and squirmed his whole way through it. I handled that pretty well, I thought, patting myself on the back. The next night at dinner, he came to the table, and looked at his older sister, his younger sister, and my huge stomach and said 'Oh Mom! Do you mean to tell me you had sex four times?!'"
"When my boys asked why I didn't have a penis I told them it was because I was a girl and girls had vaginas," retells yet another mom. "The word seemed a bit harsh for a two and a four-year-old, but the experts say to use the proper terms. So when Grandma came for dinner later that night, my eldest decided to share his newfound knowledge. He told Grandma that he knew she was a girl because she had a 'Gina.' I like the sound of that word a whole lot better, even though it made Grandma blush all the same."
"My youngest son wanted to know what the 'part' below his penis was," another mom tells me. "I explained to him that it was his testicles. He quickly replied he didn't like the look of it and could I take them off. I desperately wanted to agree with him about how they looked but instead I managed to explain as best I could without laughing that he might want them one day!"
Another mom whose son was discovering his testicles decided they were his "pumpers" and they were there to help get the pee out of his "weenie."
"I'll certainly tell that one at his wedding!" she laughs.
Do you have any funny stories about talking to your kids about sex?
]]>If Women Don't Want Kids, Are They Inadequate?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.9723042011-09-23T08:00:05-04:002011-11-23T05:12:02-05:00Josey Vogelshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/josey-vogels/
I admire women who have always known they would have kids, no question. But I also admire the ones who have always known they would not.
Like my friend Karen, now in her 40s, she knew by her mid-20s that she never wanted kids and got her tubes tied at 31. "I could not see bringing yet another child into this messed up world," she says. "If I did want kids, I'd prefer to adopt a child who needed a home, rather than create another human being."
Frankly, I wish people with kids had to defend their position as thoroughly as those who don't want children. Because, heaven knows, some folks are having kids for the wrong reasons.
Say, to have someone to take care of them when they're older.
But, chances are your partner and/or your friends will be more reliable in old age than some kid who will no doubt grow up and move to Australia.
Another argument is that people who don't have children are selfish. And your point is? Yes, I like the freedom to work and enjoy life with just little old me to think about. Besides, give me a break. Why do you think people have kids? To further the human race? For the kid's sake? Doubtful. Usually, it's just the thing to do. Or, as Karen says, to create the ultimate accessory. "It's typically women who are oohing and ahhing over all things baby, the teensy clothes/shoes -- 'oh isn't this adorable?' -- photos, all the nursery stuff. It's like a commodity."
Sure, some people have kids because they genuinely like them, but there are plenty of folks who don't.
The last big grief people who choose not to have kids hear is this: "You'll regret it." There are plenty of things I could regret if I let myself. But I certainly don't want to have a kid just in case I regret not having one. Karen says she hasn't regretted her decision for one second. "If I feel the desire to be around children, I have my sister's kids -- and remember, I don't hate the little buggers in the least!"
Okay, let me say it too. I enjoy kids, sort of. I like the fun stuff but I'm always ready to hand them back after an hour or so. New mothers always say it's different with your own. But what if it's not? You can't toss 'em back.
Obviously, we have some genetic disposition to reproduce or the race would have ended long ago. But it's not for everyone. And I don't want to feel inadequate or less of a complete woman for not popping out a kid.
We make childbearing so noble, such an achievement, like it's the most exciting, fulfilling thing you can do. For some, I'm sure it is. But, given our social bias, deciding not to have a child is an equally noble and difficult decision. And that, I think, deserves a cigar.
]]>When Can't We Afford to Be Picky Daters?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.9559742011-09-10T10:14:46-04:002011-11-10T05:12:03-05:00Josey Vogelshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/josey-vogels/
What single person hasn't heard that before? People often accuse us of being super-selective if we're is less than snappy about getting ourselves hitched.
But let's be honest, most of us are picky. Is there such a thing as too picky? Well, what do people expect? "Um, you're not exactly what I'm looking for, but I guess you'll do." That's appealing.
We all have a list when it comes to whom we're attracted to. And, again, let's be honest many of the items on the list are physical. I hate to admit it, but I always had a hard time with men who were shorter than I was.
Which is why I recommend have a few non-physical traits on the list, just in case you want to have the occasional conversation with the person you ultimately hook up with, but that could just be me. For instance, I had other things on my list, too, like a sense of humour and gracious spirit. As a result, I went out with some funny, kind short men.
You have to decide what you can and can't live with. If she's gotta be blonde and thin, that's your thing. Don't apologize for it. But if you're frustrated because you're not finding blonde, thin women, that's a problem. You might try adding a few other items to the list.
As we get older, we have a better idea of what we want (theoretically anyway) and get even more picky. Chances are, you've dated enough people to know what you like and don't like and aren't interested in wasting your time on people you know you don't want to spend time with. If that makes you picky, well, so what, right?
As a friend once said to me, "It used to be that anybody with a pulse could ask me out and I'd say yes. Now, he has to have a pulse but he has to have some other stuff going on, too."
Of course, sometimes what we think we want isn't necessarily the best thing for us. Sometimes, the initial chemistry is so strong, our list gets a little more flexible than it should. "Did I say I'd never date someone who tortures small animals? What was I thinking? This guy's perfect for me. I'm sure the animals deserved it."
I can't tell you the number of friends who end up with people they never thought they would. And many a time I've heard someone rattle off a list, only to sit down with them on-on-one to find out that what they're actually looking for is totally at odds with their list. So, it may not be that you're picky, it just may be time to revisit your "list."
Try this exercise:
* Write down everything you could possibly fantasize about an ideal partner.
* Go through you list and whittle it down to your non-negotiables. With each quality on the list, ask yourself, would I rather stay single than be with someone who doesn't have this quality. If the answer is "no," strike it off the list (maybe he doesn't absolutely have to love Neapolitan Mastiffs, animals in general might do).
* You should now have a short, hardcore list of important qualities you're looking for in a mate. Memorize it and leave it at home. That way you won't be tempted to pull it out and check off items when you're out on a date with someone new. And you'll be able to keep your wits about you when that hunk of a guy who is suddenly making your knees melt tells you he hates animals.
]]>Why I Bothered to Get Married at 40tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.9350782011-08-24T11:41:06-04:002011-10-24T05:12:01-04:00Josey Vogelshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/josey-vogels/
Given the fact that I've never been the marrying kind, I was equally surprised when my now-husband and I decided to get hitched. After all, it's just a piece of paper. And why do you need to be married to have your relationship taken seriously? It's not only goofy, it makes it suck for those who aren't, can't or simply don't want to get married. Besides, given that almost half of marriages end in divorce these days, who did we think we were kidding?
So why did we do it? "Just because" was about the best I could come up with. This wasn't good enough for one very analytical, once-divorced dear friend of mine. "No, but really, why?" she insisted. I racked my brain to come up with an adequately intellectual answer.
Because it feels right. Because the relationship is easy. Because I found a killer dress.
She was less than satisfied, but she backed off. "You look happy," she said.
But while I could handle and mostly understand the reactions of my friends and family, I was more boggled by strangers' reaction to the news. I got a kick out of telling people I'd just met that I was getting married. Not because the news should be of any interest to them, but in a way, for some reason, it was.
"Oh my God! Congratulations! I'm so happy for you!" they'd shout with such glee.
I'd think, heck, I could be marrying a wife-beater with a fondness for tripping old ladies on the street -- this person had no idea if my marrying was a good decision or not. But it's as if marriage, much like being pregnant, suddenly makes your life a public success. Whew, you made it girl! It was disturbing.
When I was telling this to the woman who helped plan our wedding and speculating out loud as to why people would want to spend the down payment on a house or the price of a trip around the world on a one-day celebration, she said, "There's still the attitude that this is forever. It's something that's always been there, that's steady, that's a rock. And even though we know the divorce statistics, for one day it lets us believe in fantasy land and in love and tradition."
Never having had the white-dress fantasy (I didn't wear white), I still wasn't sure. Still, it felt right somehow. And we threw a wicked party where we knew every guest and actually wanted them there. That alone felt great. Once we were married, I surprisingly felt different. Hubby said the same. It was a subtle change that wasn't about being married per se, but being married to him, I think. There was an odd comfort in knowing that we were officially in this together.
What do you think? Do you believe in marriage?
]]>"Love Conquers All" and More Bad Relationship Advicetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.9290942011-08-17T09:42:36-04:002011-10-17T05:12:01-04:00Josey Vogelshttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/josey-vogels/ There Are Plenty More Fish in the Sea:
Remember when your pet goldfish died and your parents promised to buy you another one just the same? Goldie II wasn't the same, was he? Like goldfish, when a relationship goes belly up, you can't just go out and buy a new one. And while there may be plenty of fish in the sea, catching one isn't always easy. Which doesn't mean you should stop casting your net. But know that while there are plenty of fish, you'll probably want to throw most of them back before you find one worth keeping.
Time Heals a Broken Heart:
You probably wouldn't be too happy if you showed up in your doctor's office with a busted leg or a brain tumour and she told you to go home and simply wait for it to heal. Sometimes you need to do a little open-heart surgery. Take a trip, get some therapy, throw darts at a picture of your ex -- whatever it takes to stitch up the wound before you can let time do its stuff.
Just Move On:
Relationships aren't like the bacon bits section of the salad bar. You don't just move on. It's a process. That doesn't mean you sit and stew in your apartment (at least not for too long). But instead of simply bucking up and moving on to the next warm body so you can make all the same mistakes all over again, use this time to mourn and properly say goodbye to that crappy relationship. Reflect upon what you do and don't want to do next time. That way you minimize dragging all that disappointment, anger and resentment (because, of course, the relationship death was his fault, right?) into your next relationship.
Love Conquers All:
Yeah, and I've figured out a way to lose weight by eating only chocolate! I know that it is extremely romantic and life affirming to think that your love alone will get you through anything. But when it's 4 a.m., the kid's crying, you haven't slept in three days, the house is a mess, and your annoying, unemployed brother-in-law is mooching, I mean, living with you temporarily, love may feel a little overwhelmed by the task of conquering all. I know that "communication conquers all" isn't quite as romantic sounding, but it's a good place to start. Combine communication with regular tolerance, kindness, understanding and some good old-fashioned grinning-and-bearing-it, and you at least stand a chance at putting a dent in (if not completely conquering) most of what comes at you.
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