Karen Cleveland2013-05-25T21:19:33-04:00Karen Clevelandhttp://www.huffingtonpost.ca/author/index.php?author=karen-clevelandCopyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc.HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Karen ClevelandGood old fashioned elbow grease.Tea Etiquette 101: Drinking Tea 'the Proper Way'tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.31428722013-04-24T17:00:00-04:002013-04-24T17:20:09-04:00Karen Clevelandhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-cleveland/ High or low
When we venture out for high tea, it's usually actually an afternoon tea service that we're partaking in. High tea is served in the early evening, in place of a meal, as it is such heavy fare. Afternoon tea, or low tea, is sometimes called high tea in fancy tea salons but don't get too fussed by the name. It is served, you guessed it, mid-afternoon, a tradition reportedly started by a 19th century Duchess that often found herself peckish between lunch and dinner (woman after my own heart). Offerings for afternoon tea range from tea, scones, jam and cream, through to full tea service with savories, scones, sweets and dessert.
Pinkies up or down
Original porcelain teacups were made in China, without handles. Keeping a pinky up in the air helped balance the cup and avoid spills. In the 1700s, the handle was added though pinkies persevered. That perfectly charming photo of Audrey Hepburn, pinky in air, certainly helped galvanize the gesture. Hold your cup however it feels most natural for you, though I'm personally of the pinkies down school.
Broken scones
Scones are always broken, never cut, just like a dinner roll. They are served with jam and clotted cream or butter (and in that order, if you're layering your scone up).
No crack pots
Early tea cups made from soft paste porcelain that would crack if hot tea were poured into them, thus requiring milk to be added first. Since that no longer applies, tea is poured first, then milk and sugar to taste, after.
For a quick, and I mean 60 seconds kind of quick, here's a short video -- tea etiquette in one minute.
]]>Efficiency Shouldn't Win Out Over Etiquettetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.28557662013-03-12T17:42:59-04:002013-05-12T05:12:01-04:00Karen Clevelandhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-cleveland/Disruptions: Digital Era Redefining Etiquette, from my smart phone, in between replying to texts, I felt sad. A little sad for Nick's friends who are now probably terrified to ever call him to catch up (gasp, such precious time wasted) but also a bit sad for someone who read it and thought, "this makes sense to me. I shouldn't clog someone's inbox with a thank you email. I will stop sending them." Not so fast. Really, slow down.
Send those thank you emails. Send them liberally and sincerely.
Bilton suggests a continuum that suggests the more interaction required, the more taxing (and rude) that interaction must be. Therefore, efficiency and minimal interaction surely must be the apex of good etiquette. But etiquette has never been about efficiency. That's why there are so many forks and fussy rules on how to use them. That is also why the art of penning a well-thought thank you note has never been more important. It's not time wasted. It's time invested.
And while efficiency is key, particularly in a business capacity (I too like doing business with smart people who are respectful of my time), I also appreciate doing business with nice people. Kindness and thoughtfulness go a long way in building and maintaining relationships, a distance that efficiency alone cannot.
Not every medium is conducive to the same degree of communications. Texting, email, phone calls, face-to-faces meetings and Twitter (as Bilton's mom can attest to, he explains this is how they keep in touch) all have a role but they are not fungible. You can't take out a phone conversation and plug in a Tweet as a replacement and not expect to loss some substance.
There are no "time wasting forms of communication," just poorly chosen forms for certain occasions.
]]>Emily Post's Advice On Writing a Love Lettertag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.26350042013-02-07T12:18:03-05:002013-04-09T05:12:01-04:00Karen Clevelandhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-cleveland/
In a section in the perennial book Etiquette, "The Letter No Woman Should Write," Post cautions that "often silly girls and foolish women write things that, when for instance that are read to a jury, sound quite different from what was innocently, but stupidly intended." Her warning, more than 80 years ago, that spilling one's guts in the heat of the moment is risky business is still just as relevant today, though a caution that applies to everyone, not just "silly girls and foolish women." Anyone is wont to be silly or foolish and be tempted to pour their heart out when the moment strikes. The "letter" that Post refers to could of course be modernized to mean an email, Tweet or Facebook post.
The takeaway? Get it out of your head, out of your heart, and sleep on it before you send it. As if Post prophesized the Internet's ability to make a message go viral, she warned, "Never write a letter to anyone -- no matter whom -- that would embarrass you were you to see it in a newspaper above your signature." Or, I'd add to that, a screen grab of your declaration on someone's Tumblr.
This all sounds terribly unromantic, doesn't it?
Wait for it.
Post encourages those seriously smitten to by all means put a pen to paper, but have some finesse. "If you are engaged, of course you should write love letters -- the most beautiful that you can -- but don't write baby-talk and other silliness that would make you feel idiotic were the letter to fall into cynical unromantic hands." More excellent advice. She even provides a sample:
...We all hope you'll be home in time for Carol's birthday. She has at last inveigled Mother into letting her have an all-black dress which we suspect was bought with the purpose of impressing you with her advanced age! Mother came in just as I wrote this and says to tell you she has a new receipt for chocolate cake that is even better than her old one. Laura will write very soon, she says, and we all send love.
Affectionately (or Ever devotedly),
Ruth
Perhaps by modest 1920s' standards, this letter might have sent a young suitor's heart aflutter. If it doesn't induce swooning now, it is still undeniably a step up from a duck face selfie, "I miss you" text.
]]>Handwritten Notes: For When an Email Just Won't Cut Ittag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.25635512013-01-30T17:19:58-05:002013-04-01T05:12:01-04:00Karen Clevelandhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-cleveland/
Messages giving thanks or marking important occasions call for putting a pen to paper.
Offering condolences
Moving on to a new job or city
Welcoming a new baby
Getting hitched
Thanking for a gift, hospitality or someone special's time
Stock up on stamps and some great stationary that you actually want to use. Start by scribbling out a quick draft of what you want to write. This way you can test out your pen and perfect your message, something I learned after burning through an outrageous number of condolence cards, trying to get out what I want to say. It can be expensive to practice on note cards. Opt for scrap paper instead.
Your wording should be yours. Write your message using the same diction you would if you were speaking to the recipient. A note to a friend will be more casual than a note to a mentor, just as your conversations would have different levels of formality.
A good note should address the recipient ("Dear friend"), touch on the occasion ("Thank you for the gorgeous flowers") and any specifics ("I'm so happy you could celebrate my birthday with me") and finish with a fitting sign off ("Looking forward to seeing you soon, Sincerely, you").
Sure, you could put this in an email, but doesn't this medium elevate the message? Never think that because you can't think of what to write, that the task isn't worthwhile and you shouldn't bother. Sending a short to-the-point thank you letter is better than not sending one at all, even if it isn't your most moving message.
]]>Setting Intentions for 2013tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.24104192013-01-04T17:47:03-05:002013-03-06T05:12:01-05:00Karen Clevelandhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-cleveland/
U.K.-based Buddhist teacher Gen-la Kelsang Dekyong will give a free talk in Toronto on Wednesday, January 30 on Meditation & Modern Buddhism. The 90-minute talk, open to the public to register and attend, will be based on the book Modern Buddhism: the Path of Wisdom and Compassion, offering applied lessons on Buddha's teachings on compassion and wisdom. Gen-la will give practical advice on how to reduce daily stress, dissatisfaction and frustration, and ways to find genuine peace and happiness -- a fitting note to begin the New Year on. This evening is perfectly suited for anyone looking to add peace to their life -- and let's be honest: we can all use a bit more of that.
Where
Isabel Bader Theatre
93 Charles Street West, Toronto
Museum subway station. One street south of Bloor near Queen's Park Crescent
When
Wednesday, January 30
7:30 p.m. to 9 p.m.
Cost
FREE
RSVP at http://talksonmodernbuddhism.ca/tickets/]]>Five Ways to Holiday Shopping Salvationtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.22688062012-12-11T00:00:57-05:002013-02-09T05:12:01-05:00Karen Clevelandhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-cleveland/
The stress of shopping can make even the most festive, patient person want to start throwing elbows, but some of the trauma can be curbed.
Mind your manners
Basic, I know, but you'll less likely to exit a store in a huff over a brash salesperson if you give them the most pleasant version of yourself that you can muster. Kindness begets kindness.
Shop online
Save yourself the grief of braving the crowds and smugly shop from your couch in your PJ's. Ensure the delivery time fits your needs.
Have a realistic list
A list of the people you have to buy for is a great start, but won't help you much when you're blankly staring at the store directory. Have a few items written out for each person you need to buy for. If you can knock off several items in one store, your trip will be that much more efficient.
Be prepared
If you head out to shop on a Saturday afternoon, you're in for a more intense experience than if you were to duck out for an early Monday evening shop. Ensure that you are fed, caffeinated, and wearing comfortable clothes. Leave the massive puffer coat or towering heels for another day.
Work the system
Scope out the concierge services to see if you can check your coat or purchases as you shop. Is there gift wrapping you can take advantage of? Buy smaller, more portable items first, then save heavy items for last so you're not stuck lugging them around.
]]>Party Planning: Your Essential 2012 Holiday Hosting Guidetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//2012-11-12T12:10:56-05:002012-11-12T17:58:15-05:00Karen Clevelandhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-cleveland/
A bit of planning leading up to a holiday party is the key to quelling any hosting anxieties. (An extra shot of rum in the eggnog can't hurt, either.) If a failure to plan is a plan to fail, here are some mini deadlines from etiquette expert Karen Cleveland to help leading up to your fete.
A Few Weeks Before:
* Map out everything that needs to be purchased and get a jump on shopping and any prep work that can be done now.
* If you are not inviting your neighbours, drop by with a bottle of wine and a note thanking them in advance for their holiday spirit in accommodating the louder than normal volume.
* Embrace short cuts. If you can't bake, don't take on the stress of trying to master dessert for 12. Prepare what you're good at, and buy what you'd rather not tackle.
A Few Days Before:
* Plan your own outfit so you won't wage war with your closet in the hours before guests arrive.
* Simplify decor with white and tons of holiday greenery like magnolia, boxwood and holly. It lasts for ages and looks festive without being overdone.
* Give your pad a once over, paying close attention to areas of the house your guests will be in (ahem, washrooms).
* Enlist a trusted friend to come over a few minutes early to be your first guest. Strength in numbers!
* A happy host is the best host, so plan ample time to freshen up, put on some fun music and relax before guests arrive.
The Night Of:
* Anticipate guests' arrival by having music on, some wine pre-poured, and a place for coats, bulky accessories and wet boots.
* Don't be a slave in the kitchen. Freshen up food and your guests' glasses throughout the night, but make a conscious effort to get out and enjoy your own party. As the host, you’ll set the tone.
* Introduce guests that don't know each other with some context, like how you met, or if they have something in common.
A marketer and writer based in Toronto, Karen Cleveland tackles all things etiquette, from the traditional to the taboo. Follow her at Mannersaresexy.com and on Twitter at @schoolfinishing.
Click here to get the new issue of 2 For Couples, and ‘like’ us on our 2 For Couples Facebook page. ]]>Five Big Don'ts for the Office Holiday Partytag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.20802272012-11-07T07:50:50-05:002013-01-07T05:12:01-05:00Karen Clevelandhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-cleveland/ BLOG CONTINUES AFTER SLIDESHOW
Bitch about your job
Regardless of how crummy your week is going or how much you hate whatever project is on the go, your office party is not the time or place to vent. Gloom is contagious, so don't selfishly bring your colleagues down. Put on a smile and leave the work bitching for another time.
Text or talk through the president's speech
It doesn't matter if this is the first or 10th time you will hear your president's annual holiday address. Be a good audience and give them your undivided attention.
Get blazingly drunk
There is always someone who indulges so much that the legend of their drunkenness follows them into the following year. Don't be that person. By all means, get festive over some punch or eggnog, but don't be the topic of tomorrow's water cooler talk. Celebrate moderately.
Only talk to your work bestie
The temptation to catch up with your office friends is enticing, as they are likely the people you feel more comfortable with in a social setting. Make a point to speak to people outside of your day-to-day circle and invite other people into conversations throughout the night.
Be extremely over or underdressed
Two minutes investigating the recommended dress code is time well spent. You'll want to be on the smart side of the sartorial spectrum, which likely means a notch or two above how you'd dress if you were interviewing for the job you currently hold. Nothing too casual, too short, too tight, or with too many reindeer on it.]]>Why Your Company Should Consider Topless Meetingstag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.19531112012-10-10T12:56:38-04:002012-12-10T05:12:02-05:00Karen Clevelandhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-cleveland/Max Valiquette, introduced me to the term "topless meetings." Before you forward this to your HR manager, the expression refers to a tabletop staying free of devices during meetings. No laptops. No iPhones. No iPads. No Blackberries. Nothing that requires a charge.
The idea underpinning device-free meetings is that such gadgets can prove more distracting than helpful. Ever had to reiterate a point because it was lost on someone reading an email (or checking Twitter, or any other activity our handhelds gloriously afford)? Or worse, had to ask for clarification because you were more caught up in your iPhone than the discussion? Therein lies the case for banning devices from meetings.
How meetings are conducted varies widely by company, and drastically by sector. So before crafting a memo lobbying for (or against) topless meetings, take careful stock of how meetings go down in your office, and of course, how critical your device is to your role.
When you pack up for your next meeting and look longingly at your phone, consider...
Are you chairing the meeting?
Permissible to bring your device, but plan to talk. A lot. If you are easily tempted to check your phone to the point it may affect your ability to lead the meeting, perhaps leave it at your desk.
Are you responsible for taking notes and sending a follow up?
Your task requires full concentration, so take notes eagerly. Having a calendar might be handy for follow up scheduling purposes, so be ready to whip one (electronic or paper) out.
Room full of clients or a very serious meeting topic?
Writing notes by hand sends an obvious signal to those around the table that you're fully present. If taking notes on a phone, they might (might!) wonder if you're working or playing as you type away.
Is your name on the company plaque out front?
By all means. Do whatever you like, boss.
Whether your phone stays on the table in front of you, or tucked away at your desk, be mindful of the chorus of rings and beeps it sends off. Silent or whisper quiet tones are office friendly. And check your settings to see whether your phone previews text that might not be ideal for the office.
]]>Don't Stress About Hosting, Enjoy Your Gueststag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.18889852012-09-19T12:15:46-04:002012-11-19T05:12:02-05:00Karen Clevelandhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-cleveland/too much for hosting company. Perhaps I got so caught up that I became fussed, sucking the spontaneity out of what should be fun.
The realization came to me when I was outside on my patio with a stack of magazines and newspapers, and a friend said hello from the street. I invited them in for a drink and a catch up, and then immediately started a worried mental inventory.
What sort of state was my kitchen in? Is the bathroom mirror clean? Is there any ice in the freezer? Oh my goodness, is my place really suitable for company right now?
All these benign concerns are silly barriers to enjoying a good catch up with a friend. I'm happy they stopped by -- when I invite people to drop in, I mean it. I am glad that I parked my insecurities to enjoy their visit.
Those that profess to enjoy hosting often agree that the trick to keeping it stress free is to be prepared and organized. And I agree. The most fun I've had hosting parties are the times that I've done all the legwork well before that night. It helps me stay out of the kitchen, and lets me kick back and enjoy my guests. That said, a spontaneous get-together of impromptu guests comes together so quickly, the fun supersedes the stress.
Somewhere on this continuum, there is a happy medium. Relax. Enjoy their company. Revel in the understanding that they are there to visit you, celebrate something, eat and drink with you. They are not there to run a white gloved finger over surfaces, looking for dust.
Embrace the drop-in and enjoy your company. Guests are the best part about hosting.]]>Take It From the Top -- A Lady's Guide to Wearing Hats This Falltag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.18216732012-08-22T11:08:22-04:002012-10-22T05:12:07-04:00Karen Clevelandhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-cleveland/
Fall's fashions are trickling into stores and it appears that hats are back -- salvation from bad hair days in the form of gorgeous felts and wools. As women borrow a page from the men's styling book this season, should we also take a page from men's hat etiquette?
The gentleman's code of where (or not to) wear his hat hasn't changed -- by way of a quick refresher, he takes his hat off in elevators, restaurants, someone's home, during meals, for the national anthem (seemingly his hat would be off of his head more often than it is on it).
Women, luckily for us, get to keep our hats on for the most part.
If we flip through old photos of our grandmothers, we can spot them looking chic in daytime cloche or Panama hats, or wearing dainty feathered or veiled cocktail hats for evening. And when our grandfathers undoubtedly would have removed their caps, our grandmother's hat would have stayed perched on her head. Though it is worth noting that our grandmothers were not accompanying our grandfathers to baseball games, wearing the same ball caps and drinking the same overpriced beer. At sporting events, when the national anthem strikes, everyone should remove their hat.
Women's hats, if worn as part of the outfit rather than to fend off the weather, stay on. Fashion versus function, though if anyone really wanted to wear their fur lined aviator hat at their desk, I doubt anyone would stop them. So if you are wearing a hat for a day of shopping and lunch with your friends, your hat can stay on, all day.
If a woman's hat could obstruct someone's view of say, a movie, or anything happening on a stage, she should remove it before anyone has to ask her to.]]>Five Unique Hostess Gifts For That Last Summer Invitetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.18076622012-08-21T08:33:52-04:002012-10-21T05:12:12-04:00Karen Clevelandhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-cleveland/
Flowers or a great bottle of wine are always good, safe bets, but if you're jockeying to be top of mind for the first long weekend invite for next spring, it might be time to stock some other gifts.
Books
Nothing says unabashed relaxation more than being horizontal with a book. If you know your host well enough, you could pick up a display-worthy coffee table book on a topic they are into. If you know them intimately and think they share your taste in literature, you could pick up copies of some of your favourite reads.
Magazines For The Year
Magazine subscriptions are the gift that keeps on giving. If you have a sense of what they read and subscribe to, you could bring the latest issue of a magazine with a note explaining that you've arranged for year's subscription.
Food
Foods that can be lazily grazed on are perfect because they don't impede your host's planned menu or cramp their kitchen. Bring along fresh baked goods to add to tomorrow's breakfast table, or visit a great patisserie for treats -- like fresh marshmallows and macaroons -- that will last for a few days. Buy twice the amount and you'll even have excellent snacks for the drive....
Booze
Not to knock the ubiquitous bottle of wine, but there are boundless options when it comes to boozy gifts. Bring along the ingredients for a classic cocktail (Negronis are my favourite) and a classic shaker, or find a gorgeous pitcher and whip up a few batches of sangria. Just ensure you've brought all the ingredients to keep out of your host's hair.
Coffee and tea
Put together a basket of some freshly ground high-end coffee and some gorgeous teas. It could also be packaged prettily into a teapot or a French press -- salvation for a die-hard coffee drinker should they find themselves a guest in the home of a non-coffee drinking host.
]]>Good Table Manners Are Sexytag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.17385642012-08-05T00:01:07-04:002012-10-04T05:12:10-04:00Karen Clevelandhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-cleveland/Question: Is it ever ok to tuck your napkin into the front of your shirt?
I love talking contemporary etiquette, but I get equally as excited (yes, I said it: excited) about the perennial, classic content. I happily perused my collection of vintage books (and their modern incarnations like this brilliant video) to dust off some topics that, while timeless, are still totally relevant.
Good table manners are one such topic. Good table manners are sexy. Jamming one's napkin down his or her collar, is not.
Is it ever OK to tuck your napkin into the front of your shirt? If you are eating a meal that you just ordered from the children's menu (and are of a suitable age for said menu), sure tuck away. Otherwise, no. Napkins stay on your lap -- if you have to leave the table, they go on the chair, not the table, as no one wants to see the physical evidence of what you've wiped off of your face.
The only other expectation to when it is OK to tuck a napkin into your shirt is if you are applying pressure to a wound. Which shouldn't be done at the table, anyways.]]>I Rejected a Good Date Because He's a Bad Kissertag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.16750392012-07-16T17:43:43-04:002012-09-15T05:12:02-04:00Karen Clevelandhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-cleveland/
I kissed the world's worst kisser.
It happened the old-fashioned romantic way (leaving a bar) and the anticipation was fantastic, the stuff of teenage goose bumps. The minutes leading up it I was smitten, had mentally decorated our hypothetical beach house and was excited for this kiss. Careful what you wish for, they say.
By all possible measures, it was the worst kiss. Technically, the approach and the execution were abysmal but the real injustice was that this awful kiss was on the heels of a really, really good date. So how does one dance around the question of, "When can I see you again?" when the answer isn't one the asker wants to hear? Where does honesty merge with decorum?
What I wanted to say was, "I'd love to see you again, but you are the world's worst kisser, so I'm sorry, I think we should part ways." And ideally, shouted over my shoulder as I sprint in the other direction. But what I say, once I regained rightful control of my mouth, was, "Thanks for a great night" and bought myself some time to think. In the spirit of if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all, I wanted until there was a solid invitation to address it. And I wanted to communicate a polite decline in such a way that no one had to feel burned by it. I stand by my theory that there is a lid for every pot: one day he will kiss someone who kisses in the exact same way and they'll both feel the earth move beneath them.
A 1950s etiquette book reminds us that it is always a woman's prerogative to refuse an invitation, and it is never necessary to make detailed explanations as to why she cannot accept an invitation. The modern footnote to this is the soft decline. My parting words were along the lines of he is fun to be around (true), I had a great night (also true) but I'm just not feeling like this will move on to anything, that perhaps we're not compatible (obviously true).
So I kissed and told, but modestly spared the gory details.
Pity, it was such a good date.]]>Group Travel Tips: On Keeping the Peacetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.16447562012-07-04T07:16:47-04:002012-09-03T05:12:07-04:00Karen Clevelandhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/karen-cleveland/
Most travel let-downs can be quelled by discussing how you see things shaking out...
Arrange a pre-departure coffee or cocktail with your travel mates to chat about the big picture stuff. Will you share a room? Is the plan to travel together the entire time, or are you hoping to break off for a few days by yourself? Now is the time, well before the trip, to discuss these particulars.
Try to really, really relax. Hours cramped into a car or on a plane, lack of sleep, and the other less sexy elements of travelling take their toll on the most positive people. Take it easy on your companions, be the first to help them out and they'll do the same for you.
Resist the urge to over-plan a trip and keep a few things in mind that you can do alone. Throwing your running shoes into your bag can offer up a short reprieve and some time for yourself, which might be desperately needed. Inevitably, not everyone shares the same interests, and everyone relaxes in their own way.
Respect communal space. By all means settle into holiday mode, but be mindful of the spaces you share with your travel companions. The vanity isn't your own personal primping area. Your iPod isn't necessarily the soundtrack for the group. The teeny tiny closet isn't just for your belongings.
Lastly, avoid quibbling over cash. Don't fret over petty spending. A meal here, or a taxi ride there, isn't worth fretting over and will only put a damper on your trip. In fact, you might want to establish a convivial vibe from the start by picking up the first round of celebratory drinks.
