Kathy Barthel

Living in a Retirement Home: Is it a Positive Thing?

2012-08-04T00:00:16-04:00

Is living in a retirement home a positive thing? For many, yes. I have toured many of today's retirement communities and spoken to the seniors who live there about how much better their lives have become since they arrived.

I can also answer in the affirmative by reflecting on the place where living is often anything but positive -- a senior's own house when they have put off the decision to move to a retirement home for too long.

Hanging onto unhealthy surroundings

Hanging onto one's familiar surroundings even though those surroundings may be causing harm, is all too common for many older Canadians. It is much like staying too long in any relationship that has become unhealthy. There may be memories of better times, of independence, health and happiness but they cannot sustain a relationship that is no longer supporting the well-being of the people in it.

We all need the same things in order to stay healthy -- people to care about and who care about us, interesting things to do and the opportunity to contribute and to have our contributions valued. When a senior's home is bereft of those things, it is time to move to a place that can provide them.

Easier said than done

Yes, this is easier said than done. In my life, as in the lives of many sandwich generation adults, a couple very close to me is hanging onto those very same surroundings. But as is often the case, you cannot force someone to make a choice even if you think it's best for them. Your parents are adults; they were looking after themselves quite nicely before you came along and they'd like to continue doing so.

Eldercare advisor

One of the best ways to help your parents see that there is another -- possibly better -- option to their current living situation is to bring in an eldercare advisor. The advisor can serve as an impartial source of calm counsel for the family. Of course the transition to a retirement community won't happen overnight but rest assured that you have at least started things moving in the right direction.

Healthy living is alive and well

What many people don't realize is that the healthy lifestyle older adults need is alive and well in today's retirement communities. There are opportunities for lifelong learning, volunteering in the community and staying healthy with state-of-the-art exercise equipment. And the meals are amazing! Most importantly there are familiar faces that will become friends.

Feel the emotions before you move on

The decision to move from the home you've lived in for years to a new community where you may not know anyone is certainly difficult. Let your parents vent their anger or frustration and share their fear and sadness. They must work through all of it before moving on.

The important thing is to feel that you are making progress and that helping your parents transition to a retirement community is a positive thing. It is.

Eight Secrets of Aging Well

2012-07-06T13:11:49-04:00

If you spend your day toggling between pining for the past or fretting over the future you may not notice that there is actually nothing at either one: the past doesn't exist and neither does the future.

You must live life in the present -- the key to aging successfully -- but you can't do so if one foot is chained to the past and both hands are shielding your eyes from the fuzzy future. Your vision will be blocked, your hands will be full and you'll be teetering on one leg!

Yes, plan for the future but then let it go. We all have memories of things past but after you reminisce a bit, let them go too. Turn your focus back to the present.

People who age successfully do so not because they look like an arrested version of their 20-year-old selves, but because they are fully engaged in the moment. They enjoy the small pleasures of the day and take the challenges in stride. Sure, they have bad days but they bounce back more easily than others do.

Why? Because they try to integrate the following eight habits into their day as often as possible:

1. Get healthy from the inside out: Ditch the red meat, processed meat and refined carbohydrates and sugar and increase the whole grains, fruits and vegetables, nuts and seeds, fish and chicken. Try to get 30 minutes of moderate exercise every day and aim for seven to eight hours of sleep a night. Do what you can and remember that lasting change happens slowly over time. Forgive yourself when you fall back into old habits and keep trying.

2. Practice gratitude: When you're in the midst of a stressful situation it's hard to focus on what's going well in your life but perspective is what you need when you're worried about something. First, do what you can to address the problem but then take a moment. Think about, or make a list of the things in your life that you are grateful for such as family members, friends, your health, your intelligence, even the city you live in. Try it and you'll be surprised at how your mood improves and you feel a sense of renewed energy.

3. Learn to relax: This is one of the hardest things any of us can do in our overstressed world and that's also why it's so critical to master. It may be 30 minutes of yoga, an intense game of soccer or simply closing the bedroom door and breathing deeply, in and out, for five minutes. Deep breathing is probably the best thing you can do because you can practice it any time, anywhere and it will immediately lower your blood pressure. Remember that stress is insidious; it wears you down by stealth, moment by moment without you even realizing it. The great news is that something as simple as breathing can do so much good.

4. Laugh: How many times did you laugh today? Yesterday? Studies show that laughter is great for your health. Spend time with friends or family members who make you laugh or watch your favourite funny movie. There are days when you just need a dose of The Marx Brothers or Naked Gun! Laughing is not a luxury and it's not just something you do when you're wasting time; it's essential for good health.

5. Socialize: Try to see friends and family as often as you can. No budget to go out? Tidy up the house and invite people over for coffee and cookies. Socializing doesn't have to be a big, expensive production. The goal is to spend some relaxing downtime with those you care about and who care about you.

6. Practice kindness: From the smallest gesture to the largest, either impromptu or planned, kindness given and received is one of the best ways to live in the moment. It makes you feel good, makes the other person feel good and it's so easy. Holding the door for someone is the quickest way to make them smile. Giving or receiving a hug will make you both feel better immediately. There is nothing like practicing kindness to keep you in the moment.

7. Learn something new: It's hard to get distracted when you are learning something new and interesting. It's too much fun! Whether it's a new language, figuring out Facebook or just taking a new route to the mall, you're totally engrossed and you're learning all the time. It may be a little nerve-wracking but you'll soon get the rush of accomplishment and that's a great feeling!

8. Build your courage and self-esteem: Are you facing a challenge right now, something you aren't sure you can handle? Take a moment to yourself and recall some of the difficult things you've faced in the past. Remember what the challenge was and how you handled it. Review several of these but not in great detail -- you must focus the bulk of your attention on the task at hand. Just remember what the issue was and what you did to address it. Go through three or four of these and you'll find a renewed sense of your own strength. The courage you were trying to summon will be there because you will have a renewed belief in yourself. Practice this "accomplishment rewind" anytime you feel uncertain about your ability to deal with a current challenge.

Integrate these eight habits into your day as often as possible and you'll find yourself aging successfully -- because you'll be too busy doing it to be aware of it!

Are Our Elderly Parents the Entitlement Generation?

2011-12-29T16:56:11-05:00

Two years ago my friend told me he'd reached the breaking point with his elderly parents -- but two years later he soldiers on.

Knowing him, even though he vocalized his feelings back then, the real moment of truth likely came much earlier.

So, he's probably three or four years past the breaking point.

Sam is an only child who lives a good 40 minute-drive from his parents' house. And he is the first person they call for the most ordinary and the most critical of issues, even though he has established numerous support systems minutes from their home.

The lawnmower is out of gas, call Sam; Dad fell and cut his head, call Sam; I mixed up my walker with my friend's walker, call Sam.

The entitlement generation

To say that Sam's parents are demanding may be an understatement. He says they're the entitlement generation.

But how can that be? Aren't our kids the entitlement generation? Doesn't every nine-year-old kid need a BlackBerry?

And what about us, the self-absorbed boomers who make everything over in our own image?

Today's seniors are the self-sacrificing ones who devoted every ounce of energy to raising us, to saving the world from tyrants and to building the great country we enjoy. Aren't they the ones who always put themselves last and are grateful for any attention or help we can provide?

Maybe. Maybe not.

Where do the demands come from?

Perhaps there is a feeling among some of today's seniors that since they've done so much for us, we should do whatever they ask.

Or as my friend thinks, seniors have become demanding because they've been spoiled by all the social supports they enjoy such as veterans benefits, work pensions and endless discounts. They are so determined to get all they can from these deals that they've become equally demanding of their kids' time and attention.

Once selfish, always selfish?

Another boomer friend is absolutely certain that our parents are getting more selfish as they get older. Are they? Or was the selfish senior a selfish younger adult too? Maybe these traits are just exacerbated by age, increasing frailty and illness.

And maybe the dynamic between a demanding parent and a "pleaser" child just gets more pronounced when 30 years is added to the mix. Is this just how patterns of family dysfunction evolve as family members age?

The perfect storm

It may be. Add in the loss of control over their own lives that many seniors experience, their disinclination to ask for help from strangers, their damaged pride and increasing insecurity as they become more removed from the world and more dependent on us, and you have the perfect storm for demands of all sorts.

Accept that your parents won't change

For endlessly optimistic boomers who think change is always possible, this situation is very hard. Our parents' behaviour isn't likely to change and they may not be aware of how much pain and stress they're causing us.

Their generation kept things to themselves and didn't seek outside help, so getting Mom to a therapist ain't happening in this lifetime. Ditto for meditation class.

But either could be an option for you if the stress is becoming too much.

Learning from experience

The good news is that dealing with the demands of elderly parents provides lessons in how to cope better the next time.

When Sam's mom called in a panic because she and her friend had mixed up their walkers Sam said, "So you've got a walker? Then it's not an emergency, is it?" The car stayed in the driveway and Sam stayed home.

Boomers Reject Ageist Ads

2011-12-29T12:16:04-05:00

Getting old will be the hardest thing that most boomers ever do. Some can't imagine themselves as slow, frail, or incapacitated. They're in denial but how can you blame them? They've lived their whole lives with the energy, engagement and full-on passion of kids. They love life as they know it and have no intention of giving it up.

You might say I'm their poster child.

I'm also a newshound and a political junkie, so every morning I am confronted with the annoying possibility of aging right there on CBC TV News.

I get up, work out, shower and turn on the TV only to be greeted by this lovely wake up call:

I can't stand this commercial. It panders to seniors' fears of increasing frailty, injury and lost independence by depicting them that way at the outset. It underlines the embarrassment and humiliation the husband must feel at his diminished state, at his inability to look after himself in the most basic and personal of ways: he can't get into the shower.

Yes, this is a very difficult situation, but must we begin with this ageist stereotype every time? Is there some reason why we can't see a tasteful shot of both of them in the tub? Maybe a little bit of humour that acknowledges the challenge, but gives at least as much air time to its positive solution?

Boomers want aspirational ads

Aegist ads like this are still too common and they'll never appeal to boomers -- especially the many in denial. Anyone who's ever seen a makeup ad knows this. Show us something aspirational. We want to envision ourselves looking much better. If we must confront aging, we'll do it from the perspective of being actively engaged in finding solutions, not by being frail, helpless souls, passively dependent on others.

Many ads take power away from seniors

Most of these commercials open with frail adults who have gotten into trouble because they're old -- they've fallen, they can't go upstairs, they can't get into the shower... These ads are incredibly negative and pander to every fear in the book. They're depressing, defeatist and anything but empowering. They take power away from seniors by making them feel that they need to be rescued from the dangers of old age by sliding stair-chairs, beeping pendants and nasty bath cubicles.

It's no wonder some boomers are in denial. Who wants to identify with the depiction of older adults as feeble, helpless victims?

A golden opportunity for marketers

Boomers' disinclination to embrace aging may finally be giving advertisers the motivation to reverse ageist ads.

The NeuroActive ad does a better job. The opening shows an energetic, handsome older man playing tennis. Very aspirational. With some hand-eye coordination, I could do that. And he's a boomer. He's one of us, he "gets" us and he represents what we want to be as we grow older -- actively influencing our own destiny, doing the things that will create a better outcome as we age. Definitely a better ad, but not quite there yet. The hawking narrator has to go.

And then there's the magic ingredient: humour. Almost any challenging situation is made easier with it. Whoopi Goldberg knows; in fact she may be the poster girl for the aging ads of the future. LOVE her! Assertive, funny, irreverent -- clearly a boomer. Just don't laugh too hard or you may have to purchase her product.

Boomers may be in denial about aging, but ads that depict seniors as helpless victims of increasing frailty won't engage them. Smart marketers are learning that they need to clean up their act -- and understand their new audience.

Advertisers, here's your tip sheet:

Boomers want to be active, assertive participants, engaged in and helping to define their own destinies.

Always take the positive, "glass-half-full" approach.

Use humour to cajole boomers into paying attention and to show your solidarity with what they're experiencing.

Do not pander, patronize or talk down to older adults.

Never present older adults as victims.

Focus on proactive, healthy products and ways of living. Boomers want the tools to help them avoid or mitigate illness.

Be inventive and creative. Surprise us.

Nothing's inevitable until after it's happened. Until then, the jury's out.

Boomers generally don't enjoy discussing ailments. They don't have time.

Cut the maudlin music and ditch the obligatory close: "You owe it to yourself... and your loved ones." Even the NeuroActive ad falls into this trap. Do you know anyone who talks about their "loved ones"?

One more thing, advertisers: We're really busy. We don't have time to waste on negativity, so get in quickly, make us laugh, give us something useful, then get out of our way.

University and the Cast-Off Parent

2011-11-07T16:04:28-05:00

Ah, the sights and sounds of back-to-school for the sandwich generation. Moms sobbing into their coffee at the Guelph University Second Cup on move-in day. Parents "checking in" via Skype only to be greeted by a "do not disturb" sign. Moms awkwardly straddling the old role of parent and the new role of roommate as their kids head off to a frosh party: "You should have something in your stomach if you're going to be drinking!"

Whether your child will be living at home or heading out of town, it's all in the game for the cast-off parent whose child is starting university.

After completing the campus drop-off, a friend of mine said she hoped that she and her husband had done enough to prepare their daughter to be this independent.

The kids are alright

I'm sure they have. Besides, we managed didn't we? When I left town for university I was on my own and I paid for school and everything else by myself. There were no credit cards given to kids, no bank accounts set up to keep them afloat. Nothing focuses the mind like gathering change for the groceries and then schlepping them back to residence on transit. I trace my skill as the family pack mule to those early days.

Do our kids have it easier? Sure they do. Can they deal? Absolutely. They are smart, resourceful and utterly capable. By the second week, most have found their groove and made new friends.  They're pumped to be in charge of their own destiny -- a feeling their lonesome parents would like to experience.

"Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read."

Some parents use humour to deal with the transition like the single dad who now shares his big, empty house with the family cat.

When asked how he was adjusting to his son being away he said, "I looked into the dishwasher the other day. Not emptied. Just like when David was here. I looked at the lawn. Not cut.  Just like when David was here." This guy will always put a humorous spin on things--but I think he's got the right idea.  Laughter helps us forget what tugs at our hearts and sometimes it helps us slip into a new reality without realizing it.

The irony of parenting

No doubt, it's a wrenching time; our kids have been with us for so long, day and night, and we miss them. They may have been the focus of our lives.  The irony is, we try very hard to be good parents and to raise smart, savvy, caring kids, but if we do, this day will surely come. If we raise them well, we'll raise them to be independent (of us). If we raise them well, we'll raise them to be able to leave. That's the job of parenting.

But parenting isn't all that defines us. This challenging juncture is an opportunity in disguise, an opportunity to embark upon adventures of our own.

While you're making that to-do list, consider this one:

Tips for parents:

Remember that your kids will be OK.

Take time to adjust to the new order and share your feelings with friends and family.

This is your opportunity to take time for yourself, either alone or with your significant other.

The more fulfilled you are, the less likely it is that you'll be worrying about your kids.

If your kids are getting in touch less often, it probably means they're busy and happy.

You know your child best. Trust your instincts and let them know you're there for them if they need you.

Learn to text if you don't already. It's the quickest and least obtrusive way to check in for an update.

Tips for kids:

All I have to say is "peas and cheese casserole." This is one of the cheapest, healthiest and easiest to make meals you'll ever have at university. Microwave some peas in a bowl, pour off the excess water, sprinkle shredded cheese on top, microwave slightly to melt the cheese, and then sprinkle Parmesan cheese on top along with your seasoning of choice. I dreamt this up when I was a poor university student so I know it works. And it's a parent pleaser; it'll warm you up on a blustery day and you've got a veggie, some dairy, some protein and even a starch if you count the peas twice.

(With thanks to Groucho Marx for the quote and my fellow cast-offs for the stories...)

Second Careers: How to Make Yours a Success

2011-11-04T16:29:00-04:00

The financial outlook for many cash-strapped boomers' retirement years is murky at best with the worry of making money last over longer life spans, higher medical costs as time goes on, fewer company pensions and the challenge of finding new work after retiring or being laid off.

But if you're a practical optimist, the financial prospects for your retirement years have promise -- as long as you have a plan and think things through.

As with any major life decision, you need to do your research and then develop a strategy; one that is flexible enough to change if necessary.

Crunch the numbers

Visit your accountant and financial planner to discover:

Whether you have enough money saved to survive for a year or so of unemployment while your new job or business venture takes off

How much money you'll need to earn to maintain a decent standard of living over the next 20 years

Creative ways to trim your current budget

How to maximize your assets so they'll last longer

Whether you should re-mortgage your home or take out a line of credit

Critically assess what you have to offer in your next career:

What are you passionate about? Always aim to do what you love.

What experience and knowledge do you have that makes you unique?

What do you have to offer that people would pay hard earned cash for? And who are those people? Drill down to figure out the exact demographic your new venture will be targeting. What do they need and want and how can you give it to them?

Some of the most popular encore career fields are:

Health care

Environment

Education

Government

Non-profits

Get web-savvy:

Build a compelling and professional presence on LinkedIn. It's really the 'six degrees of separation' of the work world and you need to be there -- no matter what industry you're in.

Become part of the community on Facebook and start a Facebook page for your business once it's up and running.

Join Twitter and follow companies and people whose products, ideas or interests complement yours. When you find relevant articles or sites, tweet about them and become part of the conversation.

Use Google and other online tools to stay abreast of the latest news on your industry

Newbie 55

Many people make the mistake of starting a new career from scratch right after they retire. Being a newbie at 50 or 55 is a dangerous thing; you've got very little experience, some grey hair -- or not too much of any colour -- and you may be a little slower out of the gate than your 27-year-old competitors. Don't set yourself up for frustration or failure. This is an odds game so do everything you can to set them up in your favour.

Get connected

A better idea is to test out your next career by working at it on the side while you are still employed. Retrain, volunteer, or work as an unpaid intern and get to know the job, the people and the culture before making the leap.

If you really want to start a new business, do your research while you're still working, build a network of contacts by volunteering, working as an intern and joining relevant professional organizations.

Take your time

Take all the time you need to make yourself as competitive and well-connected as possible before looking for work or launching your business. If you've done your financial homework beforehand, you'll know how long your money will last before you make your move.

If you are a younger boomer and you can wait a bit before you start, do so. After the older boomers ahead of you retire there may be more jobs available and companies may be hiring because there will be a smaller workforce and fewer skilled people to choose from.

Manage risk

Don't stray too far from what you know -- unless you have bags of money to invest or a silent partner with big pockets. And even then, don't spend any more on your new venture than you can afford to lose. Always run your dreams by your accountant first.

Get fit

Get fit and healthy if you aren't already. This is important. Any new venture brings new kinds of stress and even though most boomers don't want to admit it, they aren't 20 anymore. You are in this for the long haul and an illness or injury caused in part because you aren't taking care of yourself is not something you need right now.

You have enough plates to spin!

Emotionally Needy Parents

2011-10-15T11:57:11-04:00

The phone rings, your mom's number shows up and you are filled with dread. You say hello and she gleefully announces that she's got a new phone card with 100 minutes!

You know she's going to share 99 minutes with you right now -- even though you told her you've got to make dinner, help your son with his homework and finish a work presentation. But none of this registers with your mom and as the conversation continues, your vocal chords tighten so much that they actually feel sore.

Phoning the kids every few day

I know one otherwise lovely senior who calls her kids every few days to say hi but often ends up rehashing her bad marriage or childhood problems -- same complaints, same hurts, no improvement. Sometimes she phones -- several times a day -- to find out where her adult children are and what they're doing.

She'll hunt her kids down by calling everyone she can think of -- friends, cousins, spouses and siblings. Arguments erupt and rifts are developing between her and other family members who are puzzled, frustrated and hurt by the frequency and doggedness of her calls, by her emotional outbursts and by her neediness.

If she were spending this much energy finding a seniors group to join or a retirement community to check out, they'd be ecstatic.

Calling community resources causes anxiety

But she won't. She won't investigate any of the options that are endlessly placed in front of her, even though she has expressed interest in some. To make even one such call fills her with anxiety. She worries about telling personal things to strangers, that if someone comes to her home she'll be embarrassed because it's not as tidy as it once was, and that she and her husband wouldn't be acceptable residents at a retirement community.

Not feeling like herself

To her credit she has expressed remorse at causing unpleasantness in the family and has also expressed fear that something is changing, that she doesn't feel like herself and that she can't account for her disturbing actions. Her doctor has given her the requisite tests and she has passed them all but still she wonders.

Having trouble sleeping

Like many seniors, this lady doesn't sleep well and hasn't for years in spite of regular visits to the doctor for various treatments and pills. And, like many seniors, she is isolated in her home. She is dependent on others to go out and doesn't get enough social or intellectual stimulation or physical exercise.

Vacation stay at retirement community

But how do you help someone who resists help and seems unable to help herself? How can you tell if an elder's neediness could be evidence of depression?

In this case, a family doctor might suggest a one-week vacation stay at a local retirement community that she visited recently and liked.

How could this help? It may throw much needed light on her mental state. While at the retirement community, staff will observe how well she interacts with other residents, whether or not she joins groups and participates in activities and how often she contacts family members.

Hopefully this lady will welcome her mini-vacation and the social, physical and intellectual stimulation will make her feel more like herself.

Other ways to help emotionally needy seniors

Has your family experienced the increasing emotional neediness of a parent or grandparent? How did you cope? Do you have tips for this stressed family?

Get in touch by leaving your comments below.

My Parents Are Driving Me Crazy!

2011-09-30T00:11:00-04:00

Your parents have always been the adults. They raised you. They dealt with illnesses, job losses and money issues. They did it all.

Now you've become their caregiver because they can no longer maintain their house as easily, can't drive or have trouble remembering things. But all they do is snap at you.

You buy Meals on Wheels for your parents and they won't eat them.

You hire someone to help them shower and they send her away.

You order a taxi to take them grocery shopping but they won't use it because it'll cost $6.00!

"Mom and dad are driving me nuts!" you sputter. "How can they be so picky? I'm swamped with work, the kids, the house and everything else and this is how they respond? It makes me so angry and then I feel guilty for being angry... but nothing pleases them!"

Stop. Breathe. Think what it would be like to be in their shoes. Can you imagine how humiliating it would be to have a stranger help you to bathe or take you for a ride in your own car because someone decided you were unsafe to drive?

How would you feel? Many of the things you're suggesting require that your parents give up the control and independence they've enjoyed for 60 or 70 or 80 years.

Here are 10 tips that may help:

Involve your parents as much as possible by asking for their opinion.

Give it time. We react to change with our emotions more than with our minds and emotions can be intense. It takes time for these reactions to subside.

Show your parents the advantages of some of the things you're suggesting; it can be easier to accept a new idea if you can see its' benefit.

Never talk down to your parents. Always speak to them one adult to another, with respect.

Don't take their sharpness and lack of cooperation personally. They may be embarrassed and trying to hide their fears by snapping at you.

Realize that this is an opportunity to increase your own compassion.

Ask other relatives whose opinions your parents respect, to talk to them.

Give yourself a reward. After a particularly difficult meeting with your parents, do something nice for yourself -- visit a friend, see a movie or go for a walk.

Call a qualified elder care advisor; many advisors will speak to you for 15 minutes for free. It may be worth the cost to have them meet with you and your parents.

Talk to other adult children who are going through a similar situation.

How You Think About Money Is as Important as How Much You Have

2011-09-13T12:38:21-04:00

The Adventures of the Sandwich Generation is for all those boomers who are squeezed between the demands of raising their kids and the responsibility of caring for their elderly parents -- all while managing their own issues in-between. It's a celebration of this exhilarating and sometimes heartbreaking ride and an attempt to provide insight, advice -- and as often as humanly possible, humour. Definitely humour. As actress Bette Davis once said, "Fasten your seat belts, it's going to be a bumpy night." But hey, if it wasn't a little bumpy there'd be no thrills at all, would there? Keep smiling and... buckle up

With apologies to Scarlett O'Hara: "As God is my witness, I will not be a bag lady in 30 years!"

That is my goal and the goal of many boomers who find themselves struggling with the costs of children at home or in university, a volatile economy wreaking havoc on their savings and investments, elderly parents who need costly care and a host of everyday demands and unexpected crises.

We all want to make sure we have enough money for the future but there are so many strains on the budget these days. The truth is there will always be something you didn't see coming. And like most everything in life, how you respond to a situation is usually more important than the situation itself -- no matter how dire it may seem.

That's why Scarlett O'Hara is such a good role model for boomers who feel like they're two toonies from oblivion on any given day. She didn't let circumstances do her in and she had a very practical relationship with money and how it could work for her.

What's your relationship to money?

How you respond to the demands on your budget has everything to do with your relationship with money. Is it a tool that you control or have you no idea how to manage it? Do you follow a budget? Would you rather save what you can than take a risk and invest?

Think back to the home you grew up in. Did your father manage the finances leaving your mother in the dark? Did your father earn the money and give it to your mother to manage? Did your parents both contribute to the finances and jointly run things? Did they teach you the importance of saving and investing when you were young or did you learn what you know through trial and error?

Fortunately today's education system is finally realizing the value of teaching our kids about money management but for many boomers it was the luck of the draw. If your parents didn't teach you about money you were on your own -- and you may have developed problematic beliefs about it too.

Erroneous beliefs about money

How we think about money is as important as how much we have -- perhaps more important. Do you think you deserve to be financially stable? Do you think people put too much emphasis on money? Is it better to be poor and happy than rich and unhappy? Are you optimistic that things will work out somehow? What beliefs have you developed about money and are they sound?

Often it's how you think about money that is keeping you from having enough to live on comfortably. Those beliefs about money can also influence whether or not the money you have, grows. In fact, having money that grows for you - residual income that comes in whether you're working or not -- is very important. It can be the key to whether you are struggling or whether you are prospering.

Bad habits can be unlearned

The good news is that bad beliefs and habits can be unlearned. With knowledge, discipline and fortitude, we can always change course and move forward.

For example, many women would rather save their money in vehicles like GICs than risk investing it in mutual funds. But the key is to save as well as invest and to build a diversified portfolio. If your income is low it may make sense to take out an RRSP loan and use the tax refund to help repay it so that you are still increasing your RRSP. Maybe you should take out a line of credit and invest some of the money for the future. There are many creative options that your bank manager or certified financial planner (CFP) can suggest. You can also attend money management workshops in your local area.

It is often the way we think about money that keeps money away from us, not the reality that we don't earn a lot or the fact that circumstances beyond our control have put us in debt.

Whenever you're feeling overwhelmed by the demands on your bank account, take a moment and think about your relationship toward money. There is a very definite correlation between how financially prosperous you are and how you think.

Here are some links you may find helpful:

http://genxfinance.com/examine-your-attitudes-toward-money-and-uncover-problems/

http://genxfinance.com/the-7-biggest-money-problems-most-people-have/

For tips on saving for retirement check out: http://www.comfortlife.ca/financing.php

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Dating After Divorce: 10 Tips From the Trenches

2011-09-07T06:53:45-04:00

I used to think that being married was one of the hardest things I'd ever done -- harder than gutting my house till it looked like 1983 Beirut; harder than several hideously painful days of labour after which I couldn't sit for three months; and definitely harder than trying to figure out grade 5 math.

But I may have been mistaken. Dating after divorce is quite a trip. It's a potent mix of good intentions, raging libidos and abject fear.

Putting yourself out there

After lengthy marriages, many boomers aren't really keen to put themselves out there. Well, maybe putting themselves out there is the easy part; it's making a commitment to staying there with somebody new that's hard. That requires emotional intimacy, the forging of new alliances and the letting go of old ones and the very public declaration that you are now a 'couple.'

It's a whole lot easier to slip into the safe and familiar world of feeding your ravenous teen, helping your elderly parents, and juggling jobs, errands and household chores alone.

A shell-shocked group

Divorced boomers are a pretty shell-shocked group and statistics show that there will be considerably more of us as time passes. So what's to be done? How can we traverse the minefield of dating, bravely putting one foot in front of the other, trusting that the whole enterprise won't blow up in our faces?

Here are a few things you may want to keep in mind if you're just starting out.

10 tips from the trenches:

Take your time: Unlike most other things in your jam-packed life, this is not one of your 'to-do' items. You're not on a deadline to find someone. Yes, time is finite but there will be enough of it.

Reflect and heal: It can be difficult to think about your marriage. It's hard to think about what went wrong -- and what went right -- and what your part in it was, but that knowledge is critical to the success of any new relationship. Not looking at your history and learning from it is like striding into a busy street with your eyes closed. Odds are high that you'll hit something and chances are it'll hurt.

Don't be pushed into doing anything you aren't ready to do: There may be many good things about your new relationship but you may still find yourself hesitating. It's common for one person to be more committed than the other, and one of you may decide to move on. This is often a gift in disguise. If the relationship is strong enough you'll both come back to it and if it isn't, you are better off on your own.

Be honest with yourself and your partner: Dating after divorce means everyone has baggage and some of it is nasty. People may find themselves withholding information that would explain their actions because they don't want to think about their history, they don't want to scare off their new partner, or that's just their way of dealing with too much pressure. If you have found a loving, supportive partner realize that you are blessed and work at being more forthcoming. If you can't, you may not be ready for a relationship.

Don't separate your partner from the rest of your life: Some people compartmentalize various parts of their lives in order to cope but this can leave their new partner feeling locked in one of those compartments. Don't do this to the person you care about. They deserve better and so do you. If you can't fully integrate them into your life (i.e. tell your kids, your parents, your friends about them) that's OK. Just be honest, drum up the courage to say so and be prepared for the consequences.

Be your own cheerleader: Give yourself a pat on the back for every success, every lesson learned, every risk taken. Each one of these milestones is a move forward into your new life and each one should be celebrated.

Develop a strong support team of friends and family: This is so important. You need another adult -- or several -- to hang out with, to hear your war stories and to have your back. If you have kids, you definitely need adult supporters. Do not go to your kids for support. If you do and they say, "You need to talk to one of your adult friends," listen -- and go find one.

Walk... very far... away from the matchmakers: One of the best ways to meet someone new who has the potential to be a great match, is through an introduction from the people who know you both the best. But for the very same reason, you need to be ready for such an introduction. If you are, that's great, but if there's any doubt, don't. The last thing you need now is to get into a relationship with a friend of a friend and have it go sour. Think of all those future dinner parties, cottage events, unexpected run-ins at the mall...

Stay off the dating sites! I don't care if it's the long weekend and you can "check your matches for free!" Don't. Are you ready to see that welter of faces? Do you really want to give that site your email and personal information so that they can hound you to sign up? No. You want to imagine that your next partner will be gorgeous, witty, kind, smart and crazy about you. He or she will somehow be the one that got away...until now. Whenever that may be.

Do what you love: When you feel like it and not a moment sooner, make a list of all the places you like to go and all the things you've always wanted to do. And do them. Your odds of meeting someone with similar interests will be much better, you'll be focused on what you love and you'll look your best because there will be joy in your face. What could be more attractive than that?

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Senior Sexuality Is Alive and Well

2011-07-14T07:55:43-04:00

My grandmother was an amazing woman. Born in 1900, she was a privileged only child and by her early 20s she was a privileged wife. When she was widowed unexpectedly at 50 she had never held a job. To support herself she got her real estate license and became a successful agent and the only woman on the sales team. She started traveling the world at 72 and reluctantly entered a retirement residence when she was in her 80s.

She hadn't been with a man in over 35 years but her libido was strong and after a while she began dating. Trouble was, as soon as she'd put her latest boyfriend's photo on the mantle, he'd pass away.

Maybe she was too much for these guys or maybe it was the odds, but eventually she accepted defeat -- and got an idea. She began an open flirtation with her male nurse who was about 40 years younger. It made her feel like a girl again and she knew he had lots of good years ahead of him.

My mother was scandalized. In a shocked whisper she told me, "It's...inappropriate!" Nothing was going on, but just the idea of this May-December 'romance' made her cringe.

One of the last great taboos is seniors and sexuality. Whenever we see an older couple holding hands, looking lovingly at each other or... gasp... kissing, we smile and quickly look away. We don't want to embarrass them or more likely, ourselves.

The Go Daddy 'Grandma Dance' ad plays off this taboo. In it, grandma shows the grandkids the website that she and grandpa created. There online is grandma, ripping open her sensible cardigan to reveal a sexy, close-fitting tank top. As she shakes her significant assets, the kids gasp and grandpa looks up from his paper with a grin. "That's my Agnes!" he says.

Why should we think that our sexuality -- an integral part of being human -- should shrivel up and die after we reach a certain age? It's hardwired into us. Our desire to strut our stuff or be physically close to someone we're attracted to is part of our nature as humans. It's not unseemly, it's just normal.

The stats prove it. According to a recent U.S. study by the University of Chicago's National Social Life, Health and Aging Project (NSHAP), presented in the New England Journal of Medicine, many seniors are acting on that desire well into their 70s and 80s.

In fact, a full 54 per cent of sexually active seniors between 75 and 85 years old were having sex at least two to three times a month and 23 per cent were having it once a week or more. Compare those numbers to the frequency the average set of working parents enjoys and you can't help but wonder -- maybe we're not embarrassed by senior sexuality. Perhaps we're just jealous.