Ken Rabow2013-06-19T15:20:53-04:00Ken Rabowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.ca/author/index.php?author=ken-rabowCopyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc.HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Ken RabowGood old fashioned elbow grease.The Slacker's Guide To Success -- In Conclusiontag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.19257572012-10-09T17:13:03-04:002012-12-09T05:12:02-05:00Ken Rabowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/ken-rabow/ This is the final installment of The Slacker's Guide To Success, based on my work with teens, young adults and their families. The introduction can be found here. The other chapters are available here.
One more thing:
So you went from being a slacker with unrealized potential to a mover and shaker in the world in 13 steps. Or more likely, you just read all the blog versions of the whole book (without skipping over too much, I hope) and you are wondering a bunch of questions. I will answer the questions first and then get to the ones who have gone through the 13 steps.
Questions:
a) How long does it take?
The first two sections (steps 1 - 7 and steps 8 - 10) can take as little as six months or as long as two years to complete. It is really dependent on how much resistance and negative mind-speak the client has to shovel away to be open to finding their daily personal powers. Very often once the client is on the right track, there will be one or two major diversions that will throw off everything. These are to be expected as they are the inner-self testing to see if this thing that seems to be working is worth it. Section three is a life-long pursuit.
b) Does it really work?
Short answer: Yes! It really does work. What makes it work is that it is in the small, daily routines that we find our character and our faith in ourselves through these small acts. Once we learn to transpose those character-building qualities into other aspects of our lives and figure out the modifications that need to be done, we learn we can do anything, with a positive mental attitude and the will to work at it and learn from our mistakes. This is a sure-fire recipe for success because it comes from within.
c) What makes you qualified to tell me what to do?
Nothing. No one can tell you what to do. But having worked with struggling teens and young adults since 2001 and having seen their amazing successes, I do feel qualified to share my system with you. It is entirely your choice to decide to follow the system. You are in charge at all times and that is the best way.
d) How does one go about it?
I would read all 13 steps (the book should be out December 2012) first. Then I would go through one whole step at a time, making notes and then do what that step suggests to you. The most important part will be getting a mentor and making sure that they are on the same page as you (literally). Most importantly, understand that mistakes and mess-ups have the seeds of finding your best work. Don't give up and don't lose hope. I would also suggest keeping it to yourself and a very select group of confidants. There are so many people out there who live through their fears and can send out negative thoughts and ideas on any project.
e) How do you know if it's working?
In the first six months you are looking for micro-successes not the final "out in the world" results. For example: If you were often failing tests before and you have stopped failing tests but are just scrapping by, that is an improvement. It's not the end result you want but it tells you that you are choosing to not fail. That is a first step. You must choose to first embrace success (not fail), then you learn to try stuff and mess up, learn from the "mess-ups" and do better the next time. Then you raise your investment (the amount of time you work on whatever it is your are trying to improve) and see how that works. Adjust and refine. You know it's working because the micro-successes are there and you don't give up or retreat if you fail but come back and repeat or modify.
f) How do you know when you've arrived?
For steps one to eleven, there are clear indications that you are ready to go on to the next step. When you can look over the chapter and know that you are succeeding in all the suggestions given to you, you are ready to move forward. As for your goals in following your bliss, creating a full life and finding your passion mission, these are ongoing life-long projects. If you meet your target, you will want to find a new target. They are the journey of life.
g) What is the best-case and worst case scenarios?
Best-case scenario is you move slowly and steadily through the process building up a faith in your own ability to succeed under your own horsepower that will be with you for the rest of your life.
Worst-case scenario is that you start the process and when it gets a little difficult or you meet a setback, you give up. Even in this scenario there is hope. You can always come back. You can always start again. You can always choose to give it one more try.
After the 13 steps
Even if it is after the first eleven steps, may I congratulate you. You don't really need any outside praise at this point because you believe in yourself now and although it is nice to hear how well you are doing, you are no longer dependent on the good or bad comments of others. Your own inner-compass is the one you follow with the outside world being more of a radar blip to help you understand how your work in being regarded by different sorts of people. Reflecting more about them then about you.
The next step is to bring your success skills into the following arenas: relationships; budgeting and investing; sales skills; nutrition and body-care; parenting and blah blah blah.
I will have books on these subjects in the coming while but I am always open to responding to any mail on any subject in regards to your success.
My weekly newsletter is a way to get my most recent articles on whichever book I am working on and there is always place for feedback. You can get the newsletter by e-mailing newsletter@reallifecoaching.ca
The Mentors' Workbook.
The Mentor's workbook is the companion book to this method. Giving your mentor a deeper explanation on how to implement each step of this method. It gives a lot of examples and it is as close as you can come to having me personally guide you through the process as you can be without coming to one of my workshops or being one of my clients. (My client's parents have access to one-on-one sessions with me as well.) The workbook really opens up each step.
In Conclusion.
I hope it's clear by this point how much I believe in this generation and the possibilities that exist for them in making a wonderful world worth living in. This is my passion and it is my hope that each and everyone of you find your successes in life and have at the very least, one moment of absolute joy in each and every day. May your journey be challenging, may your thoughts be of greatness, may your rise above your challenges and find your greatness and write greater books than I could dream of. We are all midgets standing on the shoulders of giants. Thank you for sharing this time with me. Until we meet again, my best wishes to you for a happy and successful life. And remember, a life worth living is a life lived willing to take risks.
Stay tuned for the Parents' Mentoring Workbook blogs .....
For Ken's free newsletter click here. For a podcast of this article click here. Graphics by Nick Robinson]]>The Slacker's Guide To Success -- Step 13: Helping Others Helps Youtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.19257542012-10-07T00:00:57-04:002012-12-06T05:12:01-05:00Ken Rabowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/ken-rabow/ This is the 13th installment of The Slacker's Guide To Success, based on my work with teens, young adults and their families. The introduction can be found here. The other chapters are available here.
Change the World -- Pay it Forward.
Most people feel something missing in their lives. For many, there is an inner void that toys and money cannot fill up. You could count your blessings (it worked for Ebenezer Scrooge); you are alive, you live in a country where you can vote, give an opinion and live your life fairly free of obstructions but sometimes that isn't enough to feel fulfilled.
So, how do we bring meaning into our lives? How do we begin to feel truly alive? Do something crazy! Help someone else.
Choose to make one small positive change in the world. Some will say it's a waste of time. Some will call you foolish. Let them. You are your own person. Don't do it for anyone else but yourself. Help someone up off the ground. Get them back on their feet. Do your thing. Slowly. Little by little. Put everything you have into it but don't tell anyone. Just do it.
How do you do it?
"The antidote to discrimination and stigma is proximity and education." - Dr. Catherine Zahn
1) Choose: Pick something you care about: homelessness, mental illness, discrimination, child poverty, elder abuse. Make this your passion mission.
2) Investigate: Do research on it. Find out enough that you could talk to anyone about it for 10 minutes and make him or her want to join in and help.
3) Discover: Go visit three places that presently help people in your cause. Learn about it "in the flesh."
4) Volunteer: Volunteer once or twice a week at a place that represents the best of helping your cause.
5) Search for the single point: Ask people in the know, what is the one thing that would help this group thrive?
6) Communicate the single point: Pick that positive point and go and talk about it with everyone who will listen.
7) Find others: Write down the names/contact info of the people who are moved by the idea.
8) Invite others: Set up a meeting (real or virtual) with all those people and decided on the one thing you want your politicians to change.
9) Involve the bigger community: Talk to local politicians and ask them what is required to make that change happen and if they would endorse it. Find out what level of government can help.
10) Make it an issue: Use all that you have learned to make this a platform for change in upcoming elections at the proper level.
11) Social Media: Get all your friends involved. Create a Facebook page. Create a Twitter account and get politicians to contribute information on the topic.
12) Vote! It is a great power rarely used by young people in civilizations where most needs are met. That is the best time to exercise your democratic right. Use your passion mission to change the world.
13) See what happens: Even if you do the first four on the list, you are making a difference. Anything after that and you are changing the world.
Find your passion mission, research it, learn to discuss it, get others involved and make it happen.
My passion mission is helping young adults rise above whatever keeps them stuck to find their personal power. I work with clients, teach parents how to mentor and talk to organizations on how to do the same for their employees. It is what I do but it is also what I love doing. I enjoy seeing someone grow and become his or her best beyond what I could ever imagine. This is also what I have been writing about for the past year.
In my previous articles, I have shared with you how small actions done on a daily basis can achieve great changes. I invite you now to bring that skill to helping others and watch your life transform to the best of what you can be.
Start now! Write down three ideas that could change the world for the better, even if it's the smallest thing and no one else will notice. Choose one. Cut it out of the paper and put in on the mirror you see first thing in the morning. When you see it, say to yourself: "I can make a difference and today I will do one thing that brings me closer to my goal."
How does that fill up that emptiness? When we start thinking about helping others, we raise not only their hopes but our own heart vibrations. Our hearts rise up beyond the petty slights and missteps of daily life and begin to focus on a bigger picture. The image of belonging to a greater community. Is that love? Is that grace? I don't know, but whatever it is when you pay it forward, it grows. Try it. If you do it and it doesn't work, you've lost nothing but if it does work, you may find something indescribable.
For Ken's free newsletter click here. For a podcast of this article click here. Graphics by Nick Robinson]]>The Slacker's Guide To Success -- Step Twelve: Living a Full Lifetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.19252932012-10-01T16:45:53-04:002012-12-01T05:12:01-05:00Ken Rabowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/ken-rabow/ This is the 12th installment of The Slacker's Guide To Success, based on my work with teens, young adults and their families. The introduction can be found here. The other chapters are available here.
Step Twelve: A full life
Just imagine a happy, successful, life where play time is as fulfilling as work time and learning time. Relationships become opportunities for joy, sharing and lots of close, meaningful contact that is mutually satisfying.
But seriously, we're talking about a full life for teens and young adults. Let's face it, the teenage years are not easy and they're not drama-free. Basically there's lots in them that sucks.
Tell your kids: "You can have a full life that still sucks from time to time. You can have meltdowns and do some really dumb stuff. The difference is, you can learn from it all, if you choose to."
To the parents: The best way to teach is by example. Try the following exercises and share the experience with your child. Wait for them to ask to try some of it on their own and if they don't, find a challenging moment for them and when the dust settles, ask how mindfulness might have changed how they would have dealt with the situation.
Being mindful. We all have moments when we are at our best and nothing can throw us off. Sometimes it can feel like we are outside of ourselves watching the events take place and just knowing what the wise responses for anything that comes our way would be. That is being mindful. Then there are the times that we aren't so mindful. Times when our antics get the 'rents to ask us: whose kid are you anyway?
What follows is a way to get yourself to be present and aware in all circumstances so that on your worst day, you are making conscious choices that can lead to great moments of clarity. I have been teaching this to young adults for the past 11 years and it has always been met with success. Just know that sometimes it takes a bit more time to take hold. Don't give up. It really is worth it and if it was easy, everyone would do it.
It starts with quieting your mind at the beginning of a new day. Take a few moments upon arising to breathe in slowly and deeply, then let out the breath even more slowly. Try to focus, if you can, on the flow of your breath. Imagine letting go of any stress, tension or worries and breathe in qualities such as calm, peacefulness or good health. Do this for a few minutes every day.
Taking a few moments to empty your mind of word "noise" can help you throughout the day perceive what is happening around you without your emotional filters getting in the way.
Repeat a meaningful phrase to yourself -- something you wish to accomplish that day:
a) Today, I will focus on being present for all conversations that are important to me and I will be great at it!
b) Today, I am calm, centred and open to being my best.
c) Today, I will share my thoughts deeply, honestly and with kindness.
d) Today, I will be a team player, thinking about what will help us succeed.
e) Make up your own here _______________________________________
Now we shall bring this concept into our learning, work, play and relationships.
Being mindful in learning: It doesn't matter if your are learning for school, work or a hobby. This is about seeing what learning style you are best at and how you learn. Use this awareness of your strengths to make your own successful learning methods.
a) Take a moment and look at what you need to accomplish today in your learning.
b) Break it down into sections and make a rough estimate of how much time is need for each part.
c) Figure out how much time is reasonable for you to prepare today, taking into account the best amount of time at one sitting for you to work and how much break time is reasonable.
d) Determine how you learn best. Are you visual (V), auditory (A) or kinesthetic (K). Figure out which is first, which is second and which is third. Adjust your learning so that you incorporate at least your two major learning styles in your work. For example if you are VAK, you might read the material, then repeat it aloud. If you are VKA, you might read it then write it in your own words (probably hand written would be best).
e) When you are engaged in learning something, be aware of where your attention is and when it drifts, gently return it to the subject at hand.
Being mindful in work: There are constant opportunities at work to give more than what is requested of you. Each time you give a little more than what is asked of you from a caring, humble place, you set the forces of the laws of return in motion. The law of return states that: for every action, there is an equal or greater reaction. When you plant a seed and tend to it, you receive not just one seed back but a whole crop of whatever it was that you planted. If you are not rewarded when you have proven yourself, ask for that reward, if it is still not forthcoming, find some other employer who will appreciate your extra effort. Always give more than what is asked of you. You will get noticed for this and rewarded over time.
Being mindful in play. There are so many aspects to being mindful at play. Not just in the details of the game but also in relating to the other players in the game. How do they present themselves? Will they be assets or liabilities? How are they when they win? How are they when they lose? How are they when something unexpected throws them off? More importantly, how are you in all those circumstances? This tells you so much more than just skill level can. Mindfulness in play is about being aware of the game, the people and a sense of proportion while seeing the metaphors for how to be in life in the act of play.
Being mindful in relationships: There are those who are always in some sort of a "relationship" and those who have never been in a relationship. If you are in a relationship, the two most important tools are: 1) learning to listen and 2) knowing how to argue well. Learning to listen requires putting aside what you think is right and understanding things from your partner's perspective. Knowing how to argue well means focusing on what is annoying you at the time, without bringing in the past, judging the person or blaming the person.
If you have not been in a relationship, one thing is for sure, nothing will get you to grow more than a serious relationship. It challenges all your comfort zones, takes away time from serious vegging yet has so much to offer. Think of the type of partner you would want in your life. Their qualities, their demeanour and then imagine the type of person you want to be to attract that person. This is still about being you but also growing in relationship maturity.
All of these different parts of being mindful make for a full life.
When you are mindful of these parts of your daily life, your life is one of being present. Of really living and not just killing time to go virtual. Learning to care and to matter may be one of the greatest commodities in the coming age of ideas because then your work, play, study and relationship times become chances to experience, feel, think and grow.
Live each day like it was the only one you have. Care about people and learn from everything. Most importantly, write, blog, tell stories, share stories and listen to stories because all we have after we're gone are the stories we leave behind. Leave a good one. Leave stories of a life lived on purpose that was well-lived and touched others in a meaningful way. That is a full life.
When parents embrace the idea that by living a full life we can have a greater impact than all the words, all the images and all the sounds running through a young person's life today, we can truly change the world for the better.
For Ken's free newsletter click here. For a podcast of this article click here. Graphics by Nick Robinson]]>The Slacker's Guide To Success -- Step Eleven: The Good Thing About Addictionstag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.19204682012-09-30T15:47:27-04:002012-11-30T05:12:02-05:00Ken Rabowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/ken-rabow/ This is the 11th installment of The Slacker's Guide To Success, based on my work with teens, young adults and their families. The introduction can be found here. The other chapters are available here.
Step 11 - Making Your Addictions Work for You
Almost everyone you know is addicted to something. Whether their addiction is coffee, helping too much, jogging with shin splints or something less socially acceptable, addictions are a way of life for many people.
For some, addictions limit their enjoyment of life and limit their successes in life as well. Many people simply have addictive natures whereas others can try the most addictive things and then say "meh" and never do them again. The scary part is that until you know which one you are and which thing will be your "it" attraction, you never know what you are getting into or where it may lead.
The young clients I work with tend to be addicted to: video gaming, magic cards, junk food and/or cannabis. Many would say that their addictions seem to provide a level of comfort... a buffer from an unsafe world. It only becomes problematic when it rules your life. It doesn't really matter if the addiction is deemed "good for you" or "bad for you." Something that rules your life has a different agenda than your higher intentions will have for you.
Having an addictive nature means that you have a passionate nature. So, how do you take these passions and make them become something generative; something that improves your quality of life?
The Good Stuff:
These are the basics of the work I do with struggling teens and young adults with the goal of taking charge of their lives: First, find your power by starting a daily routine that includes inner reflection, walking, something creative and giving back to the world. Chart it. Own it. Rise above the obstacles that stop you from doing it on a daily basis. Pretty soon, you will be ready to be in control of your private world and you will have found these successes give you a sense of self-worth that is truly empowering.
Using the Bad Stuff for the Good Stuff:
When you still feel the urge to indulge, use it as a reward for doing the work you need to get done. If you can handle it, give yourself micro-rewards (10 minutes of Angry Birds for every 20 minutes of daily routine). Slowly increase the "work" time and reduce the treat time.
Important: The rewards should not impede your ability to go back and continue. Certain addictions will not work with this system. If this does not work for you. Establish all the things you need to get done in the day and then give yourself your indulging reward at the end of the day.
If you are getting the rest of the day off once you've done your chores, try introducing a small segment of healthy stuff to do in your goofing off period. For example, do all of your daily work, your home work and your daily routine and then go off and play video games until your head explodes (not really please). Try taking a break at some point in the evening and go and do 15 minutes of your "good stuff" once more. Just this small step will put you in charge of your passions. It's not easy but it is transformative. These exercises will work for those of you who can moderate with a bit of direction.
So what if you are not a moderator? What if you can't do a little bit of it after doing what you were supposed to do. Then you proceed to one of the turkey aisles. Lukewarm, cool or cold.
Lukewarm means you can stop for the week and get your stuff done and then go nuts on Magic card nights/weekend tournaments or whatever else burns away your time.
Cool means that you can stop for a period of a few months and get what you need to get done and then start up again on vacations, giving yourself a week or so of re-acclimation before having to get back to your real stuff once again.
But for some, you need that Turkey chilled to the bone.
Cold: Once it's gone, it needs to stay gone because when you start up "that" addiction you cannot stop. In that case, if you can stop, stop for just that day, then the next day, then keep that stopping up... one day at a time.
There is another level where you need outside intervention to help you stop whatever your addiction is. When what you do is truly self-destructive and you are losing yourself, your friends, your family, your employment or possibly your life, go seek professional help and don't forget to pick the system that works best for you. You should still be in charge of what system you pick but only if you have those moments of clarity to admit your problem and know what system will work "best for you", not necessarily "easiest for you."
Here's a bigger question about your guilty pleasures:
Try to determine if these indulgences do or do not benefit you and if they don't benefit you, ask yourself: would I be better replacing them with something that brings out the best in me? Search for that thing that would be a worthy place for your passions, determine a plan of action and change the world for the better.
Accept your passions, choose them wisely and vow to leave the world a slightly better place than before you came into it kicking and screaming.
"A man who has not passed through the inferno of his passions has never overcome them"... Carl Jung
For Ken's free newsletter click here. For a podcast of this article click here. Graphics by Nick Robinson]]>The Slacker's Guide To Success -- Step Ten: From Crud to Credtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.19068082012-09-26T00:19:09-04:002012-11-25T05:12:01-05:00Ken Rabowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/ken-rabow/ This is the tenth installment of The Slacker's Guide To Success, based on my work with teens, young adults and their families. The introduction can be found here. The other chapters are available here.
From Crud to Cred; Creating new generative structures
So here you are, taking another stab at "making it" in life. Your parents are cautiously optimistic.You are non-committal. Your dog still thinks you're amazing (but he likes Yanni). It should go well. You're older. You've had a few "challenges" under you belt and you've survived. You're not on the street or in a cult or both. Then why so nervous?
Well, there is the unpleasant memory of the last time you went out into the "real world" and it so didn't "work." Like if "work" was the bag you had used to pick up crud, your experience would be the stuff that stays on the ground where the crud was. (Not a good place unless you are a crud-worm).
Now you have done all this personal growth. You've:
a) learned to create a daily program of positive things to do
b) set limits on the time stealers in your life
c) Goals and ways to reach those goals were tried and tested
d) Built up a lot more faith in yourself then ever before...but, some part of you knows what has happened before when you get tested out in the real world and it won't care about "progress" once you are out there. It's going to convince you that you really need to start a Babylon V retrospective the night before you begin your new classes or job. It may tell you that being late is fashionable or any number of things that will get you to give up before you have given yourself a good shot at it.
I'm here to tell you that if you got this far and you are willing to give it another try for yourself ... not for anyone else, you can do it! Simply follow these steps:
10 Steps to Help Change Your Life From Crud to Cred(ability)
1) Create a daily schedule of things you do for you:
a) meditation
b) walking (electronics-free)
c) something creative
2) Write down all the regular appointments you have
a) going to work/class
b) meetings
3) Set up your study times.
4) Figure out a good sleep schedule:
a) when to start getting ready for sleep
b) when you want to be asleep (roughly)
c) when you need to wake up
d) how much time you need before you are ready to get going
5) Don't promise what you won't do.
Sometimes it seems so much easier when your parents are nervous about you succeeding to humour them just to get them off your case. This does help short-term but ruins all your credibility long-term. If they are on your case too often, choose a quiet time to listen to their concerns, say back to them what you heard in your own words and tell them what you are willing to do. Let them know that when they give you space, it helps you feel they believe in you and if they do give you the space, try to remember to show some appreciation.
6) Give more than what you are asked for.
One parent recently told me his son is a minimalist. If he needs a 75, he gets a 75. If you want the front lawn mowed and there are some scraggly bushes on the side, if they weren't part of the bargain, they stay scraggly. Give more than you are asked for and you are putting positive will in your bank to be cashed in on a later date. The same goes for school.
7) Avoid negative slang.
So many young people use derogatory words about other groups of people to
say that things are odd or messed up. If you are using hurtful words, you never know who you might unintentionally be hurting.
8) Say "Yes!"
It's so much easier to opt out of things and there is definitely a case for being taken advantage of but when it is reasonable and only takes a little extra time, offer your services to someone who asks.
9) Embrace appreciation.
Notice the good things people do and let them know about it.
10) Embrace criticism.
Not yours of them. Theirs of you. Useful criticism can help you look at parts of yourself that you might not have noticed but always consider the source.
So how do these things help you change your life from sucking to not?
By focusing on the very best of you. That way, whether people notice or don't notice, you will know and that is all you need to change how you feel.
Life is inevitable, sucking is optional.
For Ken's free newsletter click here. For a podcast of this article click here. Graphics by Nick Robinson]]>The Slacker's Guide To Success -- Step Nine: Feeling Safe "Out There"tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.18849702012-09-20T17:57:26-04:002013-05-13T10:08:13-04:00Ken Rabowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/ken-rabow/ This is the ninth installment of The Slacker's Guide To Success, based on my work with teens, young adults and their families. The introduction can be found here. The other chapters are available here.
Helping Teens Form New Boxes of Safety "Out There"
If you ask a teenager to describe his or her room, they will often tell you that they feel that their room and their computer desk create a box of safety for them. If you press further (but don't nag) they may confess that although it feels good to have such a great box of safety, they realize it is also limiting. The same holds true for their friends. Together they co-create boxes of safety. It should be mentioned that there are two kinds of boxes of safety: negative ones and positive ones.
So, how do you create new positive boxes of safety?
Warning to new parents! Set up your children's computer and play systems in a communal room. Leave the bedroom for books and music. Now for the billion people who haven't done that... this article is for you.
Once upon a time... the idea of kids doing homework in their bedroom seemed like a good, quiet idea. When computers came on the scene and became affordable, you had to ask; why not put one in the bedroom so little Skeeter would have access to...does anyone remember what computers did before they do what they do? Then, of course, we had to get them plugged in. When the living room version of pong was replaced by computer games, a whole can of virtual worms opened up.
Well, here we are, in the new millennium, back in our child's room. Could we have imagined such a cool place existing when our "fortress of solitude" was a snow castle and Ed Sullivan was watched in our parent's room on a 19" TV with our older sister screaming in our ears as the Beatles sung She Loves You?
In Step Eight of The Slacker's Guide To Success "Three Toes in the Water," I suggested that you pick a 12 week trial to use the success skills of a daily routine, discipline and following your positive passions by creating a test period of either school or apprenticeship for one term.
If you have started this process, you now are stuck in the middle of "out there" without your "magic" bedroom. Here is a system that works to create new positive boxes of safety:
Transforming your negative boxes of safety into positive ones:
What did you do in your negative boxes of safety? Hang with fellow World Of Warcrafters, play at the local magic card shop, look for smokers, look for stoners -- guess what? You had the perfect skills to find boxes of safety. You had the buzz words, the affectations (bleary eyes, stubble) to have instant access to the negative boxes of safety. The same system works for the positive boxes of safety, they just have different buzz words and affectations (being passionate about your work, being clean, knowing your work, being prepared and most importantly; making your word your bond).
So with your new instant access pass, find common ground with students/co-workers, hang with the people who stay late or get in early, talk to the prof/manager/boss. Talk to the T.A.s or secretaries, find the people who are also "on purpose." It doesn't matter what their purpose is, it matters that they are following their bliss and remember: If the new boxes of friends/classmates/teachers do not fit your purpose, find other boxes.
You are now in new, positive boxes of safety, meeting with people who will accept you for following your purpose and sharing the qualities of passion and striving that you have in common. It feels just as good as the old boxes but there is something new...the glimmer of hope that you may find your greatness in life and rise up and make it happen. Each positive action builds upon itself. Each setback becomes merely a minor bump on the road you are traveling on and everything leads you towards your bliss.
You may just find yourself unboxed and free for the very first time!
For Ken's free newsletter click here. For a podcast of this article click here. ]]>The Slacker's Guide To Success -- Step Eight: Doing It In The Real Worldtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.18776232012-09-14T17:38:49-04:002012-11-14T05:12:01-05:00Ken Rabowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/ken-rabow/ This is the eighth installment of The Slacker's Guide To Success, based on my work with teens, young adults and their families. The introduction can be found here. The other chapters are available here.
You can study, you can practice, you can philosophize all you want, it means diddly until you test it out there in the "real world." If you have followed the previous steps to success you have learned to transform yourself beyond your safety zone, learning to seek out what makes you happy in a disciplined, organized way with proper support from mentors, friends and family. Now comes the next step for a young adult searching to find their success in life:
Putting three toes in the water. Why three? Do one thing and it works (or doesn't) it could just be "luck." Do two things and it can still be an anomaly. Do three things and now you have a pattern. True, naysayers can poop on pretty much anything but if you get three consecutive successes, I say: "Yahoo!" If you get three straight failures, remember Edison took 10,000 wrong tries to find the right filament, creating the incandescent bulb.
Picking a new pond to swim in. Choose: university, college, a business or a fourth choice. Create a 12-week test and bring your recent successes into a new "real life" situation. You can do almost anything if you do it with passion and are willing to slog through the occasional grinding that accompanies learning any skill, course or trade.
University or College: pick a subject that you would love to learn more about. Something you could see yourself doing for the next 10 years and liking it. Go to three schools in your area, get their syllabus, meet with the registrar and pick three classes: two core-related and one easy and fun class to test our your learning chops on.
Entrepreneur: pick something you love doing. See who makes a living selling that product or service. Go volunteer to work there for a 12-week period. It might be in sales, or promotions or stock-boy but make sure you know where you want to end up in 12 weeks.
Read: "How to Win Friends and Influence People" by Dale Carnegie (HTWFAIP). The best book I found to teach the basic skills on how to "sell" yourself and getting people to want to help you by being genuinely interested in them.
Recap: Pick three subjects of interest for one semester or a 12-week mentorship and use the tools for success to do the work (and homework required). Find people who are passionate about that pond and get to know them. You can learn so much from passionate people who succeed.
One of the most important tips for the real world: Secretaries hold the keys! Always be respectful of the people you first meet wherever you go. Very often, these people know who the best person you should be talking to is.
Take a moment to learn their names, use it in a natural way two or three times in the conversation; find out why they chose to work there and what they like about it.
Avoid interrogating! Listening is the best way to converse. However, as "the lost chapter" in HTWFAIP taught us: there are some people who are just plain never going to give you the time of day or be kind. So, don't be shy if you are not getting anywhere to respectfully ask to see a more senior person. Sometimes that is enough to get the front line person to help you, sometimes it gets you to the next level. Don't forget to enjoy the pond. It's new and you benefit by embracing every opportunity you take to grow. May the three toes guide your steps to adventure!
"If I have ever made any valuable discoveries, it has been owing more to patient attention than to any other talent"... Sir Isaac Newton
For Ken's free newsletter click here. For a podcast of this article click here. Graphics by Nick Robinson]]>The Slacker's Guide To Success -- Step Seven: Being Your Besttag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.18775882012-09-12T12:15:31-04:002012-11-12T05:12:01-05:00Ken Rabowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/ken-rabow/ This is the seventh installment of The Slacker's Guide To Success, based on my work with teens, young adults and their families. The introduction can be found here. The other chapters are available here.
What if you could do anything you wanted to with your life?
What would you do? How would you be? How would you go about it? Who would you seek out? What if it wasn't what you thought it would be? How would you know when you'd arrived?
Be careful for what you wish for. I am going to give you the keys to make whatever you want happen as long as it is for the benefit of all who are touched by your choices. These ideas have been stated many times in many ways by many people, but this one is written for you.
Pick your target: What is it that makes you happy when you are doing it but also contributes to the human collective? If this is something you would be happy doing for the next 10 years, choose this as your target.
Be the arrow: The only thing stopping us is our fears and limiting beliefs. When we eliminate those, anything is possible. If you have reached this stage in the steps to success, you are ready to go after your dreams. Don't let anyone tell you it's impractical. Don't let anyone tell you you can't do it. The people who have achieved greatness had everything you and I have, they just followed their bliss.
The Bliss Process
Target -- Think of your target. Make this your focus for everything you do from now on. As you get closer to your target, you will receive tempting offers to do other things. If it is not "on target" .... let it go! You will be richly rewarded for staying on your passions.
Aim -- Your short term ways of hitting your target require aim. Focus on what you need to hit your target and make this your daily work.
Adjust -- Nothing comes easy (unless you truly believe it can). When you aim and miss, be ok with missing and simply adjust, re-aim and do it again. Someone once said; "I'm either getting it right or I'm learning."
Seek out those of like minds: If you are the smartest and anything-est in your group, find another group. Your life skills are affected by those who you spend time with. If they are successful and happy, you will learn subtle skills and positive subconscious self-speak that will help you succeed and bring you joy and happiness through osmosis.
Reboot the arrow: People never die regretting what they did. They regret what they didn't do. Having said that, sometimes you dive into something, embrace it with all of your heart only to discover it wasn't for you. You now have two camps: a) those who say "you started it, you finish it or you're a quitter" b) those who say "life is a series of experiences bumping into accidents on the way to your bliss". It's not what you do but what you learn from the experience that counts.
Pierce the target: Guess what, we almost never arrive. New targets will come, new adventures will unfold themselves to you if you are on your true path. It is only in trying to make the world a bit better, that we leave a legacy of love that resonates beyond the ages. Nothing resonates as much as loving your fellow human being. So many people spend their lives looking at what is wrong with the world. Look for what is right. It's easier and more fun.
"What did you do as a child that created timelessness, that made you forget time. Therein lies the myth to live by"... Joseph Campbell
For Ken's free newsletter click here. For a podcast of this article click here. Graphics by Nick Robinson]]>The Slacker's Guide To Success -- Step Six: How to Beat Your Time Stealertag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.18626612012-09-06T17:29:39-04:002012-11-06T05:12:01-05:00Ken Rabowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/ken-rabow/ This is the sixth installment of The Slacker's Guide To Success, based on my work with teens, young adults and their families. The introduction can be found here. The other chapters are available here.
So here you are. If you have been following this system you have:
1) assessed your strengths and challenges,
2) have found a mentor and chosen goals and ways of confirming success,
3) looked at your inner blocks that prevent you from achieving and started appropriate changes,
4) created a daily routine of positive exercises to mentally nourish and strengthen yourself,
5) gone out into the world meeting people and working on your interests.
Now meet your greatest challenger: the time-stealer. He (or she) is fun, charming, great to be with, someone you are happy to do things with, gets all your jokes, just all around great to kill time with. Yes, the time-stealer is a time-killer. You never get it back, and yet, you value the time spent with them.
What is their name? Friend, Video Games, T.V., Internet, Chat Rooms, etc., etc., etc. What? They have so many good qualities! You value your time with them. Being without them would suck. Big time! .... I couldn't agree with you more. No one should be punished for spending time with their time stealers.
We should value the time we spend with these stealers but time not measured is time badly spent. So, this step is about giving all of your wants and needs a time and space but in moderation.
Do stuff first!
How many times have you said; if I just do "a," then I'll do my "b." Time comes to go sleep and you never got to "b" 'cuz you got lost in "a." What do you do? Don't sweat it. Just resolve to do your daily routine things next time (and that includes work for your day gig, as well) then give time to your time stealer(s).
Stealers don't give up easily.
Time stealers like you. They know you appreciate them and so they want to "help" you see more of them. They won't just stop with your limits. All of a sudden, there is a week-end long magic card event for the new deck or the best RPG ever comes out and you get to beta-test...You get the picture and you know it always happens just when you decide to get serious.
Go for it! That's right. Do it but decide not to do the whole weekend but maybe a few hours. Abstaining from your time stealers means that your sub-conscious will find a way to trip you up, mess up your good stuff and have you decide: "Well, if that doesn't work, might as well go back to T.S."
Use your time stealers as a reward: If I do "x" amount of "y" then I can go play "z"!!
What do you do when your stealers are your hang-out buddies?
Setting limits is about giving people what they want at a time when it is good for both of you.
Just tell your friends that you are available at a certain time and get them and family used to the fact that when you are doing your work you are not available.
Killing ourselves with kindness.
One of the easiest ways to end up wasting time is because we thought our friends would feel bad if we didn't always make ourselves available to them when they were free.
Friends are so important but good friends want to see you achieve. Most of the times, they will be fine with a slightly different get-together time. Find out if it is ok. It usually is.
We sacrifice our time for people because of what we think is important to them.... Ask!
And now, meet the biggest time stealer you will ever meet in your life: ....you!
That's right. You are your biggest challenge. Not friends, or the computer or anything else.
You have to decide on a purpose. It really doesn't matter if it's the right one. You can change it every month or every year, whenever you have found something better, but start right now!
Decide to make your time, on purpose. Set goals and don't let too much time drift away until those goals can be ticked off as done.
"Dost thou love life? Then do not squander time, for, that's the stuff life is made of". Benjamin Franklin
For Ken's free newsletter click here. For a podcast of this article click here. Graphics by Nick Robinson]]>The Slacker's Guide To Success -- Step Five: Hobbies and Volunteeringtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.18506042012-09-06T14:19:55-04:002012-11-06T05:12:01-05:00Ken Rabowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/ken-rabow/ This is the fifth installment of The Slacker's Guide To Success, based on my work with teens, young adults and their families. The introduction can be found here. The other chapters are available here.
If you were to ask a young person in their teens or 20s where they really love being, most would shout out in unison: "I really love my room!" What they have done, in effect, is create a "box of safety" which is both a good thing and a bad thing. The bad part is they are isolated, making it a little like the universe outside Dr. Who's telephone booth when he is whirling around. The good thing about the box of safety it that they do have at least one place that they really do feel safe. The advantage of that is, once someone feels safe in one place, there is the possibility to get them to feel safe in other places.
The following exercise is to help create portable "boxes of safety" in the real world.
If you have followed the past four steps of this 13-step success process, you have already begun to develop the personal strengths and successes that having a personal daily routine can offer you.
The next challenges are then;
1) taking this personal routine out into the world
2) interacting with others in empowered ways
3) adhering to the daily routine while embracing the distractions that come "out there", as well as the extra daily work which will be expected
4) engaging the "world out there" successfully and safely.
(whew!)
I strongly suggest to anyone trying this next step that it include one or both of the following; hobbies and volunteering. By hobbies, I would suggest generative ones; music, dancing, martial arts, a book club, comedy troupes, etc. So that would leave out the magic card weekly marathon in a basement covered in a green haze.
The volunteering can be done in one of two ways;
a) helping people less fortunate than yourself
b) working in an area that you are interested in but don't have the necessary credentials or experience to get "a real job" in.
Generative Hobbies; join a group engaged in your generative hobby (not magic cards etc.,) and commit to being there once or twice a week. Make sure the schedule is one you can do successfully on an ongoing basis. Find out what is required of you (in music, for example, you'll have to know the music well enough to hold your own performing the songs) and how much time you would need to invest at home daily (15 to 30 minutes is a good amount of time in general). Once you have all the pieces required to embrace this hobby, you are on the way to adding something that will give you a new box of safety. One wherever your hobby takes you.
Volunteering as an act of giving: do some research on local groups that help people in a way that you find meaningful. Look for places that give some sort of training (one volunteer group I joined gave the volunteers a fantastic course on active listening which I use to this day).
Volunteering as an apprenticeship; there are so many wrong ways to volunteer in for-profit organizations. The secret to doing it successfully is to:
a) choose an area that truly fascinates you and that you would consider as a vocation.
b) Find out the interests of the people you will be speaking to.
c) Be sure to think about what you can bring to your volunteer position and what benefit they will get from it.
d) If they act like they are doing you a favour -- don't go there!
Adding these disciplines to your daily routines will allow you to try all of your best new and previous skills;
consistency;
doing your best when you don't feel like it and the novelty has worn off;
dealing with challenging people;
dealing with engaging people (either can throw you off);
and keeping your daily routine when things get a little nuts "out there."
This becomes your hero's journey, your adventure out into the real world and the portable box of safety is the one you build by growing character and doing what is required one day at a time. By the way, it feels great (but don't let it get around).
"A man practices the art of adventure when he breaks the chain of routine and renews his life through reading new books, traveling to new places, making new friends, taking up new hobbies and adopting new viewpoints... Wilfred Peterson
For Ken's free newsletter click here. For a podcast of this article click here. Graphics by Nick Robinson]]>The Slacker's Guide To Success -- Step Four: Generativitytag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.18278382012-08-31T10:07:53-04:002012-10-31T05:12:02-04:00Ken Rabowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/ken-rabow/ This is the fifth installment of The Slacker's Guide To Success, based on my work with teens, young adults and their families. The introduction can be found here. The other chapters are available here.
Step Four: Generativity
A great sage once said: "When one reaches the end of one's life and goes to the great equalizer in the sky, they will not be asked 'why were you not the best Gandhi you could be?' or 'why were you not the best Martin Luther King Jr. you could be?' they will be asked, 'why were you not the best you you could be?'"
So many young people live through their computers, texting, emailing and bbm-ing so that face time -- the time they are face-to-face with people -- becomes less and less part of their social lives. How many parents text their kids while they are both in the very same house?
This ends up giving us "bathrobe syndrome." If most of us are connecting through our digital words, why bother getting dressed, or shaving, or brushing our teeth. Might as well stay unbathed in our Snuggies. To continue that thought: how much do our words mean when we can delete them or delete an unappreciated reply so that it's as if it never happened?
So, why bother? (Have you heard that question before?)
We need to own what we do. The truth is that it is the things we do just for ourselves, things that we do on a daily basis, things we do when we are inspired but also when we are sick of doing them that builds character and creates something I call Generativity. I am defining Generativity as things that one does that improve the quality of life in any way, moment by moment.
The first step in Generativity is daily organization.
Whether it's making sure your workspace is noise-free (visual noise that is), or should your doctor knock on your door and inform you that it's time for your yearly physical (this hypothetical doctor does house calls) you would be ready.
But wait! There's more! I call it "the daily routine."
It is the daily routine that will help you "own" your life. It is a model that will be useful in helping empower you in all parts of your life, once you have it down.
Pick four things that are really meaningful to you, one from each of the following columns:
Start with five to 15 minutes of each exercise per day, six days a week. Keep a daily chart of how much time you do in each part of your daily practice and when you don't do exactly that amount of time you wanted to do the day before, look it over judgment-free and figure out what threw you off from your routine. Then choose your own way to minimize your distractions and succeed a little more next time.
Increase your time by about 20 per cent a month until you end up with a daily routine that takes from one to two hours.
What this does is give you the tools to own your own life.
The young adults I work with find that this is truly transformative. There is a power and self-confidence that comes from a daily practice. I've heard it said that true character comes from continuing on with what you have committed to do once the thrill of the newness has worn off and you are left with the day-to-day grind to reach the next level.
The great advantage about these routines is that if they are connected to things you are passionate about, they will teach you the power there is in working daily on things you love and if you are only partially passionate about them, pretend to be passionate and pretty soon you will be. Anything you wish to be can come true for those who believe in it, say it to themselves continually and act on it. But don't wish to be Santa, it doesn't work... trust me.
Each moment of the day makes or unmakes character -Oscar Wilde
For Ken's free newsletter click here. For a podcast of this article click here. Graphics by Nick Robinson]]>The Slacker's Guide To Success -- Step Three: Breaking the Negative Thought Cycletag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.18277862012-08-28T11:55:42-04:002012-10-28T05:12:04-04:00Ken Rabowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/ken-rabow/
This is the fourth installment of The Slacker's Guide To Success, based on my work with teens, young adults and their families. The introduction can be found here. The first step can be found here. Step two can be found here.
Step Three: Mindsets
Blain had all the talent required to be an outstanding runner. He had a great stance, he ran like the wind and he could go for miles. But he always faltered at the finish line, coming in 3rd or 4th when he had the lead in each and every race until just before the finish line, when he would slow down and look back.
It turns out Blaine had always been fast for his age but this was unbeknownst to his parents and so far back ago that Blain himself could barely remember it. Yet, this was the incident that had limited his ability to succeed. At six years old, Blaine had challenged one of the "big kids" on the street to a race. As the race began Blaine shot ahead as usual and this made the big kid angry. As they got towards the end of the block, the big kids tripped Blaine and reached the goal first, laughing and taunting Blaine.
How could a memory buried so deep and probably forgotten have such a powerful effect throughout our lives? These instances which limit our abilities to succeed in one way or the other are called "false epiphanies." Moments from a painful time in our youth, where we decided that we would be self-limiting to protect ourselves...
For Blaine, it was: "if I am winning, someone will be right behind me to trip me up" or "If I succeed x won't like me" or "If kids are only my friends because I succeed, I don't need friends" or "It's always my x who succeeds and no one cares how I do" or "Why bother, I can't succeed anyways" or "If I try and I fail again, it will hurt too much" or "I don't deserve to succeed."
At some point in our childhood, we have had some negative incidents happen to us that have caused us to be self-limiting. These become tapes playing in our heads so often that we don't even notice what they say anymore but they effect every decision we make. Once we can discover these subconscious beliefs, we can change the childhood loops and we then become free to make healthy new choices.
Here is an example of changing the loops:
a) Pick something that you say to yourself over and over again that is self-limiting, eg:
"I can't x"; "I'll never be able to do y"; "everyone seems to be able to z except me"; etc.
b) Now imagine that you are the perfect coach and this person (you) is your client. What if that coach had heard the self-limiting belief being said aloud? If that thought was removed, what possibilities for success would your client have?
c) Picture how they could succeed: What practices would it take? What belief in themselves would it take? What would they have to hear from you when they tried and it didn't work at first? Choose one sentence to say for each of these.
d) Write them down.
e) Go to a mirror and look into your eyes. Have the coach part of yourself tell the child part of yourself these positive words for a few minutes every day. Picture what it would feel like to succeed this way. Feel how you would feel and make that feeling something deep inside you that you can draw upon at any time. Hear the sounds that would accompany that success.
You have now moved from poverty consciousness (lack) to abundance consciousness (you can do anything if you keep trying). Keep doing this every day and you will find that you automatically start making small choices that bring you closer and closer to your successes.
It isn't quick. It isn't easy but it works.
"Develop success from failures. Discouragement and failure are two of the surest stepping stones to success". Dale Carnegie
Graphics by Nick Robinson]]>The Slacker's Guide to Success -- Step Two: Choosing a Mentortag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.18231242012-08-24T06:41:00-04:002012-10-24T05:12:11-04:00Ken Rabowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/ken-rabow/
This is the third installment of The Slacker's Guide To Success, based on my work with struggling teens and young adults. The introduction can be found here. The first step can be found here.
Step Two: Choosing A Mentor And Establishing Goals
Historically speaking, apprenticeship began when a person reached somewhere between the ages of 10 to 15. An apprentice went from learning the lessons their family had to offer to learning the successful lessons of a master craftsman. However, things changed rapidly in the 18th century with Rousseau's philosophy on education for children and the spread of formal education. Many great strides including child labor laws came about two centuries after but what was lost was the influence of an outside, one-on-one mentor; someone capable of impacting the success of a person in their adolescent years. The following is a guide to finding the proper mentor for the individual student.
1. Self-Assessment:
A) Learning Style -- Write down the ways that you best learn. Is it by seeing something done (visual); by hearing it explained (auditory) or by doing it yourself (kinesthetic)? We all have the three styles but one will be most dominant, followed by a second with the third being holding the least sway on how we learn.
B) Intuitive, Logical or Both -- Go to a mirror and look at the distance between your lower eye lids and upper eye lids. One of your eyes will be open more than the other. If your left eyelids are more open, you are an intuitive learner, if it is the right set of eyelids, you are a logic-based learner. There is a third option. Check this out for a whole day in the mirror. If you see yourself switching dominant eyes, you are someone who alternates using both hemispheres of your brain, learning using both logic and intuition. Logical learners want the instruction book, intuitive learners want to know how it works and they'll make up their own instructions.
C) Success in Learning -- Look back to a time when you learned something that you did well. It could be the simplest of things in your mind but examine how you learned using the methods explained above. Remember: use what works. You may choose other ways to learn but always start with ones that have served you well in the past.
2. Choosing A Mentor:
A) First Quality -- Get To Know You. They must understand you and how you learn. With so many learning styles, a mentor who does not take the time to understand how you learn has a one in 16 chance of being the right teacher for you. Just because it worked for your friend doesn't mean it will work for you. If they talk about themselves and how good they are... Run! If they seem to really "get" you... stay!
B) Second Quality -- A Person Of Valor. A Mentor is meant to guide you to finding the best of your own qualities. They should therefore be someone whom you respect.
C) Third Quality -- A Good Listener. Active listening is an art. The ability to listen and then give meaningful feedback on what we have heard and to empathize is, to say the least, a lost art. Make sure your mentor has this quality. It's easy to spot.
D) Fourth Quality -- Action. All of the above qualities are powerful but without a plan of action, they are merely ideas that cannot lead somewhere. Your mentor must be the kind of person willing to implement goals based on the three first qualities stated above. Goals without understanding goes nowhere, understanding without goals never gets out of the gate.
3. Establishing Goals:
A) Goals -- Choose three things in order of importance that you would like to work on.
B) Challenges -- Write down what some of the challenges within you that might interfere with you having your goals end up as you would like them to.
C) Success Markers -- Determine what would be good indicator to you that you were succeeding in each of these goals.
Up until the past few generations, parenting was a shared responsibility. What parents can teach their child is invaluable but parents and children do best when there are others still mentoring them in the teens and twenties. The goal is go beyond your limitations: this is the work to do with your mentor.
"Security is mostly a superstition. It does not exist in nature nor do the children
of man as a whole experience it. Avoiding danger is no safer in the long run than outright exposure. Life is either a daring adventure, or nothing." -- Helen Keller
Graphics by Nick Robinson]]>The Slacker's Guide To Success -- Step One: Strengths & Challengestag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.17994392012-08-22T15:00:00-04:002012-10-22T05:12:07-04:00Ken Rabowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/ken-rabow/
This is the second installment of The Slacker's Guide To Success, based on my work with struggling teens and young adults. The introduction can be found here.
Step One: Investigation Of Strengths & Challenges
We can change our lives for the better right now!
It starts with looking at the strengths and challenges in our daily life. Through these challenges, we can understand the patterns that we keep repeating and the self-limiting tapes running in our sub-conscious. Our strengths can inspire us to rise over these repeating patterns and tapes, leading us to a richer life. I invite you to try these exercises:
Exercise One: Challenges
A) Challenges -- Write down three things that are challenges in your daily life.
B) Obstacles -- Think about what stops you from getting beyond each of these challenges.
C) Success -- Choose something that would show you that you've been successful in rising above that challenge before.
(You can download a version of these questions here)
Exercise Two: Strengths
A) Talent -- Write down something that you are good at. It may be what you know you do well or something that comes easily to you but dismiss because "anyone can do that". Both are strengths.
B) Inspiration -- Think of a person, past or present, who you find inspiring? When you find yourself in a frustrating situation, ask yourself: "What would they do?"
C) Power Place -- Imagine a situation that makes you feel powerful. It could be something you've seen or heard about. It could be something you hope will one day happen. Try to make it feel real through your strongest senses. Imagine what it would feel like to be experiencing that right now.
A great film director was once asked what the most important quality for a leader was. He responded that it was the ability to make an immediate decision. It didn't matter if it was right or wrong or if it could be corrected, but once the crew sensed that decisiveness, they could relax into their jobs, knowing there was direction. The same is true of our sub-conscious -- it's that crew waiting to be led and our will becomes the director.
Here are some things you can do starting today with these exercises:
Daily Practice:
1) Choose the challenge that you wish to work on first. Reflect on the obstacle that is in your way. Choose three things you can do to "soften" the obstacle. Decide to work on one aspect of this a day until you begin to see your indicator for success emerging. Then move on to the next challenge. It sometimes help to have an outside person work on this with you. A mentor can often be very helpful.
2) Each night just before falling asleep, imagine your power place. Live it as if it was happening to you right now. Take in every feeling of it. Decide to let yourself be open to things that happen during your day which bring you closer to making your power place a reality.
3) When you wake up, take a moment to reflect on one quality that your inspirational person has. It could be one you have used before or a new one. Decide to implement that quality today.
4) Keep a journal.
What will these exercises do for you? They will begin a solid direction. Will your answers change? Probably. Are they the perfect choices? Time will tell but they are a great start.
The longest journey begins with a single step -- Lao-tzu]]>Transforming Children Who Self-Sabotage Towards Successtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.17069352012-07-31T15:22:28-04:002012-09-30T05:12:04-04:00Ken Rabowhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/ken-rabow/
There is a group of roughly 20 per cent of our youth who are doing great in school, in relationships and in their lifestyles but for the majority of the young people today, self-sabotage is the daily practice.
So many parents and teachers are finding more and more kids who are non-compliant to the point of failing to thrive -- either educationally, emotionally or nutritionally. There have always been problems with getting teens and young adults to "get things going" but it seems that this generation is having more difficulty than we remember through the rose-colored memory glasses of our youth.
What are the stumbling blocks that have some many young people today choosing to derail everything that they are given instead of testing their mettle and what are the remedies?
It comes down to three things:
1) Inspiration
2) Perfectionism
3) Instant gratification
Challenge: Inspiration
For most teenagers, school, sports, music or other traditional organized interests offers a chance for them to see adult role models and pick what they want to incorporate into their own lives, but for teenagers who did not make those mainstream connections, there is no adult role model physically present for inspiration.
Remedy:
Let them embrace whatever they are passionate about and find groups who get together to work on perfecting their craft. It is in the day to day work of things that they love that they shall find the resolve to rise above their personal challenges. There is another way: Find a mentor outside their regular circle of friends and family to help them find their positive power and release their fears.
Challenge: Procrastination
Most people blame this generation's chronic habit of putting off everything to laziness. In my experience, procrastination occurs from these young adults caring too much about succeeding.
When getting a 70 per cent is not good enough, or any interest in a new hobby is met with pointing out the flaws, the child determines that it is better not to try anything new past the infatuation stage and as for school; if they wait until the last moment to study, they can always live with: "60 per cent?!? What would have happened if you had only studied sooner?" knowing they don't have to ever worry about it as they have the perfect excuse -- "meh, I'm just lazy!"
Remedy:
Minimize focusing on natural raw talent. Let your child know that it's ok to fail as long as you learn from your mistakes and change and grow from your experiences. In fact, that is where most greatness comes from. It's too late to undo the desire for Baby Mozart factory-made geniuses but it's not too late for their genius to flower by learning from mistakes and creating their own structures for success from them. The best way is let them see your mistakes. Own them and show them how you learn from them. It's all in the process not the potential.
Challenge: Instant Gratification
Young people today will not wait more than 10 seconds for a website to load before moving on. Their average conversations are texted and their group-speak is on Twitter or Facebook. Food is only food if it can be eaten several moments after being chosen. A pot or pan is only an obstruction to getting the "good food" they want.
Remedy:
Make the time for slow stuff in your life. Cook from scratch at least twice a week. It could be chicken breasts in a nice spice with some steamed veggies, or a chili prepared in the morning and slow-cooking until you get home at dinner. Grow something in the garden and take a few moments each day to tend to it. Knit or paint or something else that is slow to unfold. If you are saying that you just don't have the time -- you are back to the challenge. Teach by example and then invite them to show you how they would do it differently and embrace their ideas. Use those ideas and learn together from them, free of judgment. They will learn the magic of the process of creation.
The phrase I often hear from my young clients at some point or another is "If I choose to fail and I do ... then I've won!" This system that they have perfected over most of their lifetime encompasses every aspect of their lives; from school to hobbies foisted upon them, from therapists that they have learned to toy with so well, to the addictions that give them a false sense of empowerment; their coping strategies are the only ones they have learned to count on to keep themselves safe.
It is the simple things in life from where we obtain our deepest lessons. Embrace them into your life and see the effect it has on your children.
The work I do with young adults is about helping them find their personal, positive power. I let them know that they will be in charge, making all the decisions, with me being their guide. I may turn them around from a dead end but they walk each step so that they own every victory and defeat, growing from each.
Once they choose to look for a different way and start a daily routine of simple effective steps to find their own positive power, these young adults embrace these new possibilities, showing amazing amounts of courage and fortitude. The best work in guiding young adults is done in team work. They really do possess all the answers.
Passion, process, patience are the keys. When in doubt, find an outside mentor.
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This is the final installment of The Slacker's Guide To Success, based on my work with teens, young adults and their families. The introduction can be found here. The other chapters are available here. 
This is the tenth installment of The Slacker's Guide To Success, based on my work with teens, young adults and their families. The introduction can be found here. The other chapters are available here. 