Leanne Shirtliffe

Top 20 Worst Valentine's Day Gifts

2013-02-10T18:37:38-05:00

A couple of months ago, I asked the Ironic Mom Facebook community what the worst gifts were that they'd ever received.

Given that Valentine's Day is less than a week away, I'm going to declare these the 20 worst gifts you could give your beloved on February 14th.

1.

10.

11.

12.

13.

14.

15.

16.

17.

18.

19.

20.

Which gifts do you think are the worst?
What is the worst gift you've ever received (or given)?

How To Cheat Using A Pedometer

2013-01-27T17:37:36-05:00

I bought a FitBit Zip, which I tend to call my FitBit "Zit" because it protrudes from my body like acne. If you don't know what a FitBit is, it's a small piece of expensive plastic that you clip to your waistband so it can record you how many steps you take on a given day.

Basically, it's a pedometer that went to college.

I purchased my FitBit Zit because (a) it's important to have data on how inactive I am, and (b) I'm an idiot who has this habit of buying expensive equipment and then never attempting the sport again, like I did with basketball shoes when I turned 37 and an extra-long yoga mat when I turned 38.

I ordered the lower-end FitBit because I didn't want the features of the upscale model, which tracks how much sleep you get. Given my scientific proof that "new equipment" equals "never doing it again," this equation meant that I'd become a perpetual insomniac, something I've flirted with before without the help of hard data. Trust me, I don't need numbers to tell me I'm groggy and grumpy; I just need 92 energetic middle schoolers traipsing into my classroom every week day. Or either of my children.

With the pedometer aspect of the FitBit, you're supposed to take 10,000 steps a day to achieve an active lifestyle. That works out to five miles or--in Canadian metric math--8,000 metres across frozen tundra every day.

I am proud to say that I reached 10,000 steps, providing you add the totals of three days together.

When I wasn't walking, my husband and I spent a lot of time talking about how I could get 10,000 steps in a single day.

Based on these conversations, here are eight ways to cheat using your pedometer:

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Throw it in the dryer and let it dance with the single socks.

Walk to and from the liquor store wearing it.

Get your kids to chase you 45 times around your kitchen island.

Have your husband order you around in order to get "steps".

Clip it to your bra for the full bounce effect.

Dance while cooking, cleaning, and on the toilet.

Run on the spot while brushing your teeth. Proceed cautiously if flossing.

Give your pedometer to your kids and tell them not to bother you until the number reads 10,000.

Yup. I did all of them except one.

Any other ideas how to clock more steps?
Do you have any stories of fitness failures?

Top 10 Worst Christmas Songs Ever

2012-12-21T14:30:23-05:00

'Tis the season...to hear endless loops of holiday music and feel tempted to strangle someone with red and green garland.

While some Christmas carols might actually bring joy to the world, there are a lot of songs that we want to throw out with the decaying holly and the ivy.

Without further ado, here are the Top 10 Worst Christmas Songs:

10. The Twelve Days of Christmas: Let's face it. Unless Bob and Doug McKenzie or the Muppets are singing this version, forgo it at all costs. Or, if you can't control the music dial, find some eggnog. You'll have time to down an entire bowl along with the partridge that's flailing in it, all while the five..golden...rings... are becoming more and more precious. Here, Gollum. Come on, Boy.

9. Feliz Navidad, by Jose Feliciano. It's decidedly challenging to make the Spanish language sound un-sexy. This song does it by helping us find the bottoms of our hearts. And stomachs.

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8. Santa Baby, by anyone who dares. Let's face it: Santa has had too many babies. That's what given us so many saccharine songs.

7. Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer. Every time I hear this song, I wish I'd been run over by a reindeer.

6. All I Want for Christmas Is You, by Mariah Carey and Justin Bieber. This may be the first time that the Minipops label does not need to record with kids because it would sound identical to the original.

5. Jingle Bells, the barking dog version. If I wanted to hear barking dogs, I'd drop by a kennel over the holidays.

4. Jingle Bells, by Barbara Streisand. Ranked only slightly lower than the canine version is the songstress's wispy, sped-up version. Pass the Xanax, please.

3. I Want a Hippopotamus for Christmas. And if, instead of a hippopotamus for Christmas, I get this song, please include some heavy-duty earplugs.

2. Christmas Song, by Alvin and the Chipmunks. If I wanted a helium-infused Christmas, I'd kiss a clown under some mistletoe.

1. The Christmas Shoes. When I asked people to nominate the worst Christmas song on my Ironic Mom Facebook page, The Christmas Shoes received the most votes. This holiday ballad takes sap (and I'm not talking about maple syrup) to a new level.

Now it's your turn:
What Christmas songs make you want to add more rum to your eggnog?

Is It OK To Laugh If Your Child Cheats on Homework?

2012-11-16T11:06:27-05:00

My eight-year-old son cheated on his home reading.

How is that possible? you might ask.

Well, he's been yelling "blah-blah-blah" instead of recording the online book into the computer like he's supposed to.

How is it possible that he's been doing this for six weeks and you never noticed? you might ask.

Well, he's been progressing levels. He's now reading at level L. When he started Grade 3 in September, he was at level J. So I assumed he was reading.

Right. But how is it possible you never noticed he was reading--and I quote--"blah, blah blah"?

Well, I tend to send him into the library with his dad's laptop to do his home reading. You see, he first listens to this computerized-voice reading the book aloud to him. That voice makes me feel like smashing my head into our picture window. So, I send him away to do it and keep the window--and my head--intact.

Wait a minute. He cheated on his home reading in your home "library"?

I know. It's ironic.

Aren't you an English teacher and don't you kind-of teach reading?

Yes. Irony. I believe that's been established.

How did you finally discover your son was cheating?

The wireless connection on his dad's laptop wasn't working, so he asked me to fix it. I told him I wanted to hear him read aloud a bit. Then I realized that his dad's computer didn't have a built-in microphone. Ergo, reading aloud into the non-existent microphone was impossible. Ergo, he confessed.

Then what happened you might ask.

He begged that I wouldn't tell his dad or his teacher. I didn't. I take these matters seriously.

So he asked you not to tell, and you blogged about it?

Yes. I'm hoping his teacher and my husband won't read this post.

From where does he get this propensity to cheat?

Of course, he gets most of his negative traits from his father. But I may have cheated in Grade 9 Home Ec.

You cheated in Home Ec? Not Chem, not Physics, but Home Economics?

Yes. It was the knitting unit.

Wait. You cheated at knitting? How?

I knit the first slipper. It was horrible, and my entire family witnessed my lack-of-dexterity outbursts, which may have involved threatening to stab someone with a size 7 knitting needle.

What happened to the second slipper?

My mom knit it. In one night.

Your mom? She colluded with you?

Yes. She offered. We got an "A." The teacher said I showed great improvement.

Are you still blaming your son's cheating on his home reading on his dad? you might ask.

Umm . . . should I call my lawyer?

Your turn:
Have you ever cheated? helped someone cheat? witnessed it?

Top 13 Horror Movies for Parents

2012-10-30T21:30:52-04:00

Halloween might kick off the season of scary movies, but if you have young children, October 31st is a horror show of its own.

For most people, raising children is the scariest thing they do, so here are thirteen horror movies for parents.

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1. Nightmare on Sesame Street
2. Alfred Hitchcock's "The Angry Birds"
3. Children of the Corn Flakes
4. Halloween: The Stomach Ache
5. Rosemary's Baby's Diaper
6. The Shiner
7. Night of the Leaving Dad
8. The Sick Sense
9. The Texas Bike-Chain Massacre
10. Invasion of the Baby Snatchers
11. The Not-Enough Silence of the Lambs
12. Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde-and-Seek
13. Dawn of the Dead Tired

What other scary movies would you adapt for parents? Let us know in the comments below and we'll add them to the gallery.

You Know You're a Canadian When..

2012-09-27T09:35:24-04:00

Let's face it, if the world is ending in a few months, Canadians had best acknowledge that the year 2012 has given us a unique national identity before we (and the Earth's seven billion inhabitants) are unable to throw another curling rock over the hog line.

Without waiting for the world to end or the NHL season to start, let's begin.

You know you're a Canadian living in 2012 when...(full text below)

You have two weather apps on your smart phone, and you cross reference them daily.

You believe distracted driving laws do not apply in the Tim Hortons Drive-Thru.

You've calculated how the penny's demise will affect the cost of your double double.

You know Robocall was not a summer box office hit.

The scariest Halloween mask you can think of is of Gary Bettman.

Mitt and his companion Tuque are something you desperately will need come November.

You spent the month of August watching the events in London 2012 and saying, "That's okay, I like the Winter Olympics better anyway."

You realize that the Parti Quebecois agenda could mean fewer medals for Canada in future Olympic games.

You believe the biggest threat to our national security in the past year was the $30 million maple syrup heist.

You politely stalk Margaret Atwood on Twitter.

~

Your turn: What would you add to the "You know you're a Canadian when" list?