2013-05-24T09:15:21-04:00 Marcia Sirota http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/author/index.php?author=marcia-sirota Copyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc. HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Marcia Sirota Good old fashioned elbow grease. tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.3133872 2013-04-22T17:20:49-04:00 2013-04-22T17:38:29-04:00

Marcia Sirota http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-sirota/
While all the above are dangerous, to be sure, they're just symptoms of the real dangers we face. The real and growing dangers that immanently threaten our survival are tenfold. They are as follows:

1: Our ridiculously short attention spans which prevent us from ever grasping the big picture, leaving us incapable of seeing the truth of things and affecting meaningful change;

2: Our willingness, even eagerness to accept unsubstantiated opinion as proven fact;

3: Our mental rigidity and refusal to accept the possibility that other ways of seeing things might be correct, and preferable to our own;

4: Our compulsive avoidance of discomfort and the accompanying unwillingness to engage in any activity that might be difficult or unpleasant, even though it could vary well save us and the planet;

5: Our terrible habit of denial with regard to the problems we're facing, and our fatal pattern of waiting until it's too late to address the crises we face;

6: Our greed and compulsive consumerism that cause us to selfishly exploit everything -- animals, people, our planet -- as though they were inexhaustible resources for our personal use;

7: Our moral cowardice that makes it impossible for us to step up and do the right thing when the right thing desperately needs to be done, and its corollary: our unwillingness to take responsibility for our choices or actions and our eagerness to blame everyone else for our mistakes;

8: Our emotional immaturity and lack of self-awareness which cause us to act on impulse; jump to false conclusions and exercise very poor judgement;

9: Our willingness to live by the destructive lies of those we've proclaimed as our "leaders" and "experts;"

10: Our lazy, sloppy thinking in which we fail to follow our thoughts through to their logical conclusions and instead, end up confused, ignorant and ill-informed.

Fortunately, these above 10 traits aren't inbred in us. They're all part of the modern "quick and easy" philosophy we've been living by. Tragically, this way of being is likely to destroy our lives and our world.

It's time to change and the way forward is through the practice of ruthless compassion. Look for my next article on how ruthless compassion can overcome all of the above problems.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.2829361 2013-03-08T17:26:41-05:00 2013-05-08T05:12:01-04:00

Marcia Sirota http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-sirota/
The first thing we need to understand is that, despite what television, movies and videos say, sex is an experience, not a performance. When we're too self-conscious about how we're doing it, we can't enjoy what we're doing or who we're doing it with.

We need to stop imagining that during sex we're being rated for our skills. The truth is that technique is much less important than the connection we have with the other person. The better the connection, the better the sex, regardless of our technique or lack thereof.

Two, sex is a dance in which both partners must take turns leading and following. Listening is key, as is knowing when to take the initiative and when to let go of control. The more willing we are to participate in the dance, the better the sex will be.

Three, comfort is everything. Feeling a bit vulnerable during sex can be exciting, but feeling too vulnerable can ruin an otherwise potentially good sexual experience. It's crucial that each partner make a sincere effort to put the other person at ease so that both are in the mood for great sex.

The key to comfort is mutual respect. Whether it's a one-off encounter with no strings attached or a long-term, meaningful relationship, respecting each-other and valuing each-other as human beings will make sex more comfortable, and therefore more enjoyable.

Four, like most things, sex is better with a sense of humour. When we can laugh at our awkward, clumsy moments, our missteps and ungainliness, and when we don't judge our partner for theirs, we become more endearing to each-other and sex becomes sweeter and a lot less stressful.

Five, good sex is all about communication. We need to be clear with the other person about what we like and don't like, what we want and don't want. Otherwise, we're apt to be frustrated or irritated.

Being attracted to each-other doesn't mean that we can read each-other's minds. Expressing our likes and dislikes is part of creating the connection that leads to a more enjoyable sexual experience.

Six, the best sex is a balance between being open to new experiences and true to ourselves. It's great to try new things, or at least consider them, but we're abandoning ourselves if we go along with something that feels wrong. We should never do anything in sex -- including the choice to have sex -- if it doesn't feel like the right thing to do.

It's great to be adventurous in sex. It's one of the few ways that we can abandon ourselves in the moment and let go of our "shoulds" and our inhibitions. The right partner and lots of trust and respect makes this possible. Still, even with the best partner, we need to heed our inner wisdom and know our limits. Good sex is about respecting our partner and being true to ourselves.

Finally, great sex is all about giving and receiving. The best sex involves enjoying both the pleasure our partner is giving us and the fact that we're giving our partner pleasure. Sex that's one-sided is less fun for both partners. That's not to say that on occasion one person can't simply pleasure the other, but that ultimately, in great sex, both people's needs are being met.

A happy, fulfilling sex life is available to everyone. If we simply pay attention to these seven secrets, we'll discover the sexual satisfaction that we've never previously experienced.



]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.2353281 2012-12-22T18:59:59-05:00 2013-02-21T05:12:01-05:00

Marcia Sirota http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-sirota/
People who pursue love from an adult perspective are looking for companionship, romance, a life partner. They're realistic about what the other person has to offer but they won't settle for less than what will make them truly happy. They understand that while love is enriching and meaningful, it can't make up for what's missing in their lives or be the center of their existence.

The adult who pursues love won't stay in a bad relationship just for the sake of being with somebody and they won't tolerate mistreatment, as they know that this isn't preferable to being alone. An autonomous, self-sufficient adult would rather be alone than with someone disappointing or hurtful.

In an adult relationship, both people are intact, fully-functioning members of society with their own lives and interests. They bring out the best in eachother and feel good about themselves when they're with their partner.

People in adult relationships aren't constantly frustrated with their partner, complaining about them or passive-aggressively leaking anger at them. Adults are willing to work on a relationship that they feel is worth saving, but they're able to walk away when it's clear that it no longer make sense to stay together.

Adults don't cheat. If they're unhappy in their relationship they address the issues directly. If they develop feelings for someone else, they explore what's driving this attraction and then choose either to resist temptation or to end their current relationship. They don't act out in ways that are hurtful to themselves or others.

People who approach love from a child-like perspective, however, have a very different agenda. Rather than looking for romance or companionship, they're unconsciously seeking a solution to emotional wounds and needs which have arisen from past experiences.

When the child part of the psyche is in charge of love, what's driving the pursuit of relationships is the need to fill up an emptiness and compensate for love that was lacking in childhood, or to heal hurts and losses incurred in the past.

In such cases, the agenda of the child within drives bad choices. In one such pattern, the person unconsciously seeks out potential partners who remind them of their (neglectful, rejecting) parent(s) in the false hope that by converting this unavailable or hurtful person into a loving partner, they'll vicariously heal the wounds and meet the needs of the past. This is what Freud called the "repetition compulsion."

Of course, transforming a rejecting, neglectful partner into a loving one is something that mainly happens in the movies or on TV. Even if this partner were to change, it would never heal the wounds of the past or compensate for missing or absent love. These are tasks best done internally, preferably with the help of psychotherapy.

If the partner were to change, the child-like lover would still end up frustrated and disappointed, as their agenda for healing and compensation couldn't be fulfilled. They'd end up resenting their partner and would begin to look elsewhere for the healing and compensation they'd sought in this partner. This is why it's called a compulsion and it's one explanation for the compulsive pursuit of new relationships.

Another way the child comes out in relationships is in the idealization of the romantic partner. Here, the individual projects the qualities of their beloved parent(s) onto their lover, or at least the qualities they'd hoped for in their parent(s). Since Mom and Dad were the original love-objects, the child within persists in seeking unconditional love from an ideal mate.

Sadly, the idealized person is soon discovered to be a normal, imperfect individual whose love can never be as unconditional as that of a parent. The disappointed child-driven partner will reject the once-idealized mate for having fallen short of their expectations, even though otherwise, they might have been very compatible.

The search for perfection in a partner is another way the child is manifest in supposedly adult relationships. In this scenario, the person will accept only the most beautiful, intelligent, wealthy, charismatic and well-connected of partners. Even if such an individual were found, the child-driven lover would soon start looking for someone else.

The compulsion to be with a better and better partner is driven by the child's false hope that the "perfect" one is out there for them and that if they keep trying, eventually they'll find this person. All this does is propel the child-like lover through multiple dates or brief relationships. These individuals are left deeply disillusioned because they're operating under the illusion that perfection in a partner is both possible and desirable.

The most unfortunate way the child within drives the pursuit of relationships is in how a person will stop at nothing and tolerate just about anything in order to have a partner. This child-driven individual is so convinced of their need for someone that they broadcast their desperation to every unscrupulous low-life out there.

These people end up with predators who treat them badly, but they'll stay in the relationship for as long as the partner is willing to keep things going. In fact, they'll often attempt suicide if their partner breaks up with them. Alternatively, as soon as the previous relationship has ended, these people will immediately enter into a new relationship with whoever will have them.

They're constantly unhappy in love but are wrongly convinced that they'd be worse off alone. They're unaware of their adult power, resilience and self-sufficiency, and don't see themselves as capable of tolerating rejection or being happy on their own.

If you recognize yourself in the latter group or if your relationships resemble any of the dysfunctional ones described above, your love-life might be driven by the child within as opposed to your adult self.

If this is so, a good resolution for the New Year would be to finally attend to the unmet needs and unhealed wounds that are driving these counter-productive patterns of behaviour.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.2031179 2012-10-30T00:00:30-04:00 2012-12-29T05:12:02-05:00

Marcia Sirota http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-sirota/
Dating ADD appears to have arisen out of our inborn compulsive tendencies and is worsened by easy access to hand-held technology and to a seemingly endless supply of desirable people online.

The person afflicted with dating ADD manifests symptoms before, during and after a date. The first symptoms arise in response to the sheer volume of potential partners on any particular dating site. This glut of attractive, available humanity creates difficulties for the ADD dater in narrowing down the list of those with whom to make first contact.

The ADD dater is compulsive in their desire to meet as many people as they can. They cast such a wide net that there's no way they can follow up with everyone to whom they've reached out.

The person on the receiving end of the ADD dater's contact without follow-up is left wondering why this individual bothered to contact them in the first place. If friends who use the same site were to talk amongst themselves, someone who does this could get the reputation for being insincere.

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Symptoms of during-date ADD present in the form of continually responding to calls or texts which, aside from being very bad behavior, indicates a lack of interest in the person across the table.

Another during-date symptom consists of the ADD dater being so preoccupied with the date they just had or the dates coming up next that they're unable to pay sufficient attention to the person sitting right in front of them.

The person out with the ADD dater could feel hurt, angry, insulted or all three. They probably wouldn't agree to a second date. If they did however -- perhaps in the hope that this rude behaviour was atypical -- they're likely to regret it because post-date ADD behavior is extremely off-putting.

Post-date ADD is evidenced by the afflicted person not making contact until an excessive amount of time has gone by, or being unable to firm up plans for the second date.

The person with dating ADD might want to have a second date, but they're so distracted from juggling the many possible love-interests they've met or have yet to meet that they can't get it together to make a call or set a second date.

Sadly, for the person who had an enjoyable first date with an ADD dater, this delayed contact or waffling will usually be enough to wipe out any hope or desire for a second date.

There's an even more pathological version of this disorder: it occurs when the ADD dater has had an excellent date with someone, but never contacts them again. This is due to the ADD dater being convinced that there must be someone better out there.

The pathological ADD dater goes on an endless series of first dates because they're convinced that the perfect person is just the next date away. Those who are confused about never receiving a follow-up call should understand that the pathological ADD dater is endlessly waiting for an epiphany which will tell them that they've finally found "the one."

Online dating is a wonderful way of discovering people whom you'd never otherwise have a chance to meet. It has a good track record of bringing people together and creating long-term relationships and happy marriages. The key to on-line dating, however is knowing how to use it properly.

If you've exhibited any of the above symptoms of dating ADD, it will explain why your dating experiences have been less than satisfying, thus far.

Fortunately, a cure to this affliction is available. It simply requires that you follow these four steps: First, when looking through the list of potential dates, narrow down the field to a manageable number. This way, you'll be able to follow up with everyone who responds to your initial overture.

Second, if you turn off your hand-held device(s) and give your full attention to your date, you're much less likely to turn them off. Plus, you'll be able to ascertain whether they're someone you'd want to see again.

Third, if you want a second date, don't let too much time elapse before you make contact again, and have an idea of when you'd be able to meet so the person recognizes your sincerity.

Finally, avoid the most serious pitfall of on-line dating by recognizing that there's no "perfect" person out there for you. If you give up seeking perfection, you'll be a lot more likely to identify the person with whom you can form a genuine connection.

If you notice any of the above signs of ADD in your dating behavior, you can nip them in the bud and instead of going on innumerable first dates and never finding "the one," you can successfully negotiate the ins and outs of on-line dating and perhaps even find true love.

]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1910216 2012-09-26T16:23:15-04:00 2012-11-26T05:12:02-05:00

Marcia Sirota http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-sirota/
When I began working in the States, I was a new graduate and my only option at the time was hospital-based work, as I wasn't eligible to sign on to any public or private insurance plan. My first job was in the far reaches of Brooklyn at an outpatient medication clinic.

I saw dozens of patients each day, many of whom were desperate to have someone to talk to about their problems. Because of the volume of patients, I had to tell these people that there simply was no time for us to talk. It broke my heart.

I'm sure that a lot of these people would have been able to reduce or even discontinue their medications if they'd had access to good quality psychotherapy, but this population was out of luck. At the same time, the government had put in place an extensive system for documenting our work. Unfortunately, all the time we had to spend on paperwork cut into any extra time we might have used to actually talk to these patients.

Soon afterwards, I returned to Canada to set up a private practice. I'd maintained my license while away in the States, and was immediately re-inscribed in the health care system. I was able to start building a psychotherapy practice right away -- the kind of work I really wanted to do.

Since I've returned to Toronto, I've seen the benefits of the Canadian health care system up close. The great majority of my patients are people who couldn't have afforded to pay for psychotherapy and whose private insurance wouldn't cover more than a handful of sessions.

Our government is wise enough not to put limits on how much care any one patient can receive, and therefore, my patients and I are able to take the time we need in psychotherapy to do good quality work. We've been able to deal, not only with their immediate crises but with the long-term issues that have interfered with their ability to function in their personal, professional and academic lives.

In the past 11 years, I've seen a number of my patients return to school, get off welfare and disability insurance and re-enter society as productive citizens. This was directly attributable to the fact that they could take the time they needed to deal with their issues in therapy.

Gina* was working as a cocktail waitress and suffering from anxiety, depression and ADHD when she began psychotherapy. She has since been able to complete a Master's degree and is now a consultant in a major firm. She married last year and is about to have her first child.

Abbie* is currently doing her PhD. She's the top student in her program and the recipient of several research grants. Suffering from PTSD, she'd been a heroin addict and was living beneath the poverty line. Today, she's engaged to be married and is planning a career as a university professor.

When I first began working with Beth*, she was living in a rooming house in a small town in Ontario and was on disability insurance for Bipolar Disorder. Today, she rents a lovely apartment in mid-town Toronto and has been gainfully employed for several years. She completed the Bachelor's degree that she'd abandoned when she first became ill, and is currently back in school, upgrading her skills.

Caitlin*, who suffered from extremely poor self-esteem, was living in a basement apartment when we first began working together. She had a dead-end job and hadn't been in a relationship for six years. After a few years of therapy, she'd found a wonderful new job, was in the process of purchasing a home with her fiancé and had lost 35 pounds.

Emma* is an ex-alcoholic, drug abuser and high-school drop-out with a history of severe childhood trauma. Therapy has enabled her to begin university where she's winning awards and completing her first novel.

These are only a few examples of the changes that are possible when people are free to engage in meaningful, long-term psychotherapy. I'm grateful to be able to provide these services to my patients on the Ontario Health Insurance Plan, and I'm proud to be a Canadian, knowing that my tax dollars are being put to good use in subsidizing this plan.

When the government invests in health care they're saving money in the long-run, as many previously impaired individuals can get off the unemployment, welfare or disability rosters and become not only happier individuals but productive, high-functioning members of society.

*All names and some details have been changed.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1849326 2012-09-12T12:22:44-04:00 2012-11-12T05:12:01-05:00

Marcia Sirota http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-sirota/ This is the third post in an exclusive three-part series of excerpts from the author's book Emotional Overeating: Know the Triggers, Heal Your Mind and Never Diet Again.

In the media, there's far too much emphasis on food, both positive and negative. It's an enormously charged subject. Our culture is as wounded around food as its individual members are, and this is a major factor in the current obesity epidemic. Becoming conscious will help you to let go of your confusion and learn to trust your own physical and emotional needs with regard to food and eating. You don't have to be a casualty of our society's craziness about food.

Consciousness will give you the clarity to see that because food is the only addictive substance that you need for your survival, your relationship to food will always be different from your relationship to anything else. Because you must eat several times a day, you can't abstain from food as you can from drugs or alcohol.

You can't ignore food. Even if you fast, or go on a liquid diet for several weeks, you'll have to go back to eating solid food. A food addiction is a blessing in disguise. Having to eat on a regular basis gives you the perfect opportunity to become conscious about food.

You can choose to look at what you're eating and why you're eating it. You can get to the bottom of the problem, once and for all. If you're overweight, it becomes hard to deny that you have a problem. If you choose to tune in to the real cause of the problem instead of doing the endless cycle of dieting, you'll have a real chance, not only of losing the weight, but of being healed.

If you're awake and aware, you'll see the truth about the proliferation of food images bombarding you every day on TV, online, in magazines and in restaurant windows. These images are representations of society's wounded, dysfunctional obsession with food. The media barrages you with information about the obesity epidemic, yet enormous plates of food are being served in restaurants and at fast food chains. Meanwhile, just down the street from the restaurant serving giant portions, people are lining up at the food bank.

With consciousness, you can see that you live in a consumer society that's driven by the childlike need to have "more" of everything, including food, in order to fill the emptiness within. However, as it promotes having more, it also shames you for wanting more. The parental elements of society, like our TV doctors, "diet gurus" and celebrity personal trainers who preach rigid adherence to strict diet and exercise plans are not giving the child within a viable alternative to over-consuming.

Waking up and becoming more conscious will show you that taking a balanced approach is a wiser alternative to being in a child-parent war within your psyche or in society. You can opt out of the craziness and just take loving care of your body and your health. You can enjoy food without being overly-invested in what you eat and you can put your attention on the other important things in life aside from food and weight.

Consciousness also means that you neither hate your body because it isn't "thin enough" nor hate yourself because you can't achieve some unrealistic weight or shape. It means accepting and loving your body as it is now while dealing with what's driving your compulsive eating and weight problem.

Consciousness involves understanding that you have a certain natural body type, and that trying to force yourself to become a smaller size is both physically and emotionally damaging to you. It means ruthlessly pursuing the deepest truth about your addiction(s), as well as dealing compassionately with yourself when you learn this truth. Ruthless compassion goes hand-in-hand with consciousness, and with it, you'll be empowered to choose a better way of dealing with food and weight.

Initially, it might be difficult to develop consciousness. It's not your fault. Our society supports an unquestioning, apathetic mind. It can be painful to be more conscious because you'll recognize your suffering and that of others, as well as all the injustices in life. Still, knowing the truth gives you the chance to take concrete action for the purposes of alleviating your own suffering and that of others. With your head in the sand of unconsciousness, you can't remedy any bad situation or recognize how unhappy or unfulfilled you might be. Nothing will change for the better if you remain unconscious, and it could easily get worse.

In general, despite some initial pain caused by finally facing some truths you've been avoiding, life will be so much better, richer and easier with greater consciousness. With consciousness you feel more, but suffer less, because you're dealing with things as they really are. This will help you to avoid the nasty surprises and disappointments that come from having your illusions smashed.

With conscious awareness, you can begin to follow the four-pronged approach outlined in this book:

1: facing the truth about your past, grieving your losses and letting go of your wounds;
2: loving, affirming and protecting the child within;
3: pursuing the things in life that will bring you true meaning and fulfillment, and
4: identifying and rejecting the negative messages of the inner and outer opponents. This work will bring the adult to the forefront of your psyche so it can be in charge of your eating and nutrition.

If you've been eating unconsciously out of apathy, ignorance or inertia, or if you've just been eating in the way that your parents showed you, it's not too late to become conscious and empowered. It bears repeating: Everything good requires work and time. The child within wants the quickest, easiest answer, but the adult in you knows that taking time to become conscious about what you eat will make you feel better, not just physically but in your entire being. 

Emotional Overeating: Know the Triggers, Heal Your Mind and Never Diet Again. Copyright 2012 by Marcia Sirota, MD. Reproduced with permission of ABC-CLIO, LLC.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1849323 2012-09-07T12:19:42-04:00 2012-11-07T05:12:01-05:00

Marcia Sirota http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-sirota/ This is the second post in an exclusive three-part series of excerpts from the author's book Emotional Overeating: Know the Triggers, Heal Your Mind and Never Diet Again.

If you're an over-eater, you know that being heavy and eating excessively aren't your only problems. In fact, you can't stop thinking about food and weight. Obsessing about food, weight and dieting is a major part of the problem as opposed to any part of the solution. One of the main problems with dieting is that it encourages this obsessing. A real solution should enable you to normalize your relationship with food and with your body and turn your attention to the things that will bring you true happiness and fulfillment.

Both compulsive eating and compulsive food restricting (dieting) cause a behavioural vicious circle, in which overeating leads to remorse, self-recrimination, heightened obsessions and then to further overeating. Not only does this vicious circle fail to address the problem, it creates enormous emotional suffering. You may or may not be dealing with the health or social consequences of overeating but if you're currently dieting, you're probably suffering from a constant preoccupation with food and weight.

It's possible to spend all your free time focused on the ins and outs of your diet and weight issues. People think that they don't have an eating disorder if their weight is normal for their age and body type, but it's not your size that's indicative of the problem; it's the degree to which you think obsessively and behave compulsively with regard to food and your weight. Until you've let go of the obsessive thinking and compulsive behaviors associated with disordered eating, you'll never be happy or free.

The problem with diets is that they keep you focused on the false solution of food restriction. You're so preoccupied with food and weight that you're unable to consider what's really driving you to over-eat and how to effectively deal with your cravings. Diets would have you avoiding certain foods instead of indulging in them, but you're still caught up in compulsive patterns of behaviour.

Diets also draw your energy from the things in your life that could be meaningful and which could contribute to your healing. Letting go of dieting helps you begin to search for the real cause of your over-eating and for meaningful sources of healing. Only this will allow you to lose weight and free yourself of your obsessions and compulsive behaviours forever.

So, how do you know that you have disordered eating? First and foremost, you need to look at how and why you eat. You might be someone who just eats a little bit more than you should. You might not be that much overweight, but because of your tendency to overeat just that little bit, the extra pounds don't go away.

Alternatively, you could be someone who eats slightly too-large portions on a regular basis. You may engage in evening binges, eating a large amount of food in a short period of time, not even tasting what you've swallowed, only to repeat this behaviour the next day.

Whichever scenario describes you best, if you're even a little bit out of control of your eating, then you're someone for whom food isn't solely a source of enjoyable nutrition but is to some degree a charged subject. Those who over-indulge a little bit and are just a bit overweight and those who over-eat a lot and are significantly overweight aren't that different.

What differentiates a mild or moderate over-eater from a more serious one is related to two fundamental factors: the degree to which you've been wounded emotionally, and the degree to which food has become the solution to your emotional needs. Essentially, the presence of any amount of neglect, abuse, loss or trauma in your childhood has left you with the emotional wounds of unhealed pain and unmet needs which persist in adult life, and it's these wounds which drive you to over-eat in search of compensation and healing.

Dr. Vincent J. Felitti of the Department of Preventative Medicine at the Kaiser Permanente Medical Care Program in San Diego California describes how he and his colleagues did a population-based analysis of over 17,000 healthy, middle-class American adults to explore the relationship of what he calls "adverse childhood experiences" to the development of addictions. His conclusion was that childhood experiences of hurt, loss, trauma or neglect all contribute to the development of addiction, whereby a greater variety of adverse experiences is correlated with a greater likelihood of having one or more addictions. Through this study, Dr. Felitti recognized that addictions are unconscious coping devices as opposed to a brain disease, a chemical imbalance or a case of faulty genetics.

As Dr. Felitti points out, these types of experiences are a lot more common than we'd like to think, but both the affected individuals as well as the clinicians treating them have a strong resistance to recognizing this truth. If you're to overcome your own compulsive eating or other addiction(s), you'll have to open your mind to the possibility that you've suffered at least one of these adverse events (more if your addictions are severe or multiple) when you were growing up.

It's not uncommon that someone with a mild over-eating problem has a more significant issue with spending, drinking or smoking, for example. Alternatively, you could have several mild addictions that combine to make a more serious problem. Whether over-eating is your only problem or one of several issues for you, and whether over-eating is a minor or more significant issue for you, you're going to have to face the fact that your addictions have arisen from emotional wounds that need to be addressed.

Think of it this way: dealing with your eating problem could be a way for you to finally become conscious about unresolved childhood issues. By facing and dealing with your habit of over-eating, you'll be able to achieve real emotional healing. Once this is accomplished, you'll be able to access the energy that was being channeled into attempts at controlling your eating and weight, and redirect it into more meaningful and fulfilling activities. Also, the same emotional healing that allows you to let go of your minor eating problem will free you from any other addiction you might have. Understanding the meaning of your disordered eating can turn into an opportunity to deal, finally, with these other issues.

Emotional Overeating: Know the Triggers, Heal Your Mind and Never Diet Again. Copyright 2012 by Marcia Sirota, MD. Reproduced with permission of ABC-CLIO, LLC.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1849318 2012-09-06T00:00:50-04:00 2012-11-05T05:12:01-05:00

Marcia Sirota http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-sirota/ This is the first in an exclusive three-part series of excerpts from the author's book Emotional Overeating: Know the Triggers, Heal Your Mind and Never Diet Again.

It seems as though we've become a society of addicts. Everywhere we turn, we're confronted with evidence of our rampant addictions. TV shows like Celebrity Rehab and Intervention have become commonplace; gambling is available online and at the corner grocery store; pornography is the number one item downloaded on computers and surgical centres specializing in lap band and bariatric procedures are more and more commonplace.  
   
In particular, we've become a nation of compulsive overeaters, hyper-focused on everything having to do with food and eating. An epidemic of obesity is upon us with far-reaching implications to our health, economy and culture, but how did we get here? Is this a new phenomenon or part of a cycle of behaviour that reflects our basic human nature?

According to the most recent statistics from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, just over one third of the adults in the United States are obese. In Canada, the rate is closer to one quarter but it's increasing steadily. Currently, in the US, there isn't one state in which less than 15 per cent of the population is obese.

Obesity-related medical costs in the United States in 2008 topped $140 million and third party payers spent more than $1,400 dollars more for obese individuals than they did for normal weight people that same year. The rate of Type II diabetes, (an illness directly correlated with being overweight) has significantly increased in prevalence over the past 18 years. According to the World Health Organization, there are more than 1 billion overweight adults on the planet today, of which at least 300 million are obese.

It's clear that the rates of obesity and obesity-related illness are skyrocketing, but how do we make sense of this data? We need to look at the many factors that have come together to create our current epidemic.

I think that the North American obesity problem today is a result of the combination of three main factors: 1) greater access to inexpensive food that is densely packed with poor quality calories; 2) a more sedentary lifestyle where people drive instead of walking and spend hours in front of the TV set or the computer screen; 3) a pervasive state of unhappiness arising from an excess of neglect, abuse and trauma in childhood as well as a general lack of meaning, purpose and interpersonal connectedness in adult life.

Eating is a complex behaviour. It's driven not only by hunger but by the interplay of numerous biological, psychological, emotional, nutritional, social and economic factors. The craving for a cookie, for example, doesn't just come from the urge to eat something sweet. It is meaningful in that it reflects not just the person's desire for the treat but their yearning for love, comfort, belonging, emotional numbing and even social status.

Food has always been of the utmost importance, but today it's become so overvalued that we can't stop thinking about it, let alone consuming it. We've become obsessed with food and with eating, as well as with our body shape and size. We're compulsive in our eating behaviours, whether this means binge eating, restricting, purging, or a combination of all these. Our behaviour with regard to food is contradictory, often with the same person bouncing between compulsive overeating and compulsive dieting, all the while maintaining an obsessive preoccupation with what's being consumed.

Many people today are writing about the problems which result from a sedentary lifestyle and calorie rich, poor quality food. I'll leave it up to them to explain why high fructose corn syrup and hours spent in front of a computer screen are conducive to an expanding waistline. What I want to focus on is the way our childhood difficulties and adult unhappiness come together to create the perfect circumstances in which compulsive eating and obesity are the only logical response.

Addiction has become so prevalent today and is such a difficult to treat problem that theorists have proclaimed it to be a disease, akin to cancer or hypothyroidism. I have always found this idea to be facile and unhelpful. Some researchers even talk about an "addictive personality" whereby the individual is intelligent, creative, charismatic and visionary; seeks thrills and novelty, is driven to succeed, is innovative, challenges the status quo and takes risks.

While it's true that some individuals are more prone to addiction due to a case of "faulty wiring" in their brain where they more actively seek out pleasurable sensations due to an inadequate response to pleasurable activities, this alone doesn't account for why so many of us engage in so many different addictions. In fact, according to David J. Linden, a Johns Hopkins-based professor of neuroscience, genetic factors only account for 40 to 60 per cent of the risk of addiction.

Rather than seeing addiction as a disease, and overeating and obesity as problems which are beyond the control of the affected individual, I look at overeating, obesity and addiction in general as a way of dealing with two fundamental aspects of unhappiness: childhood hurts -- losses and unmet needs -- and adult suffering, whether conscious or unconscious.

I think that we engage in addictions as a way to compensate both for the hurts and losses of our early years and for what's missing in our adult lives today. As I'll discuss in further detail in the book, these two problems are at the root of addiction and are the key to the treatment of every addiction, including overeating and obesity.

If it were up to me I'd recommend that we throw out all our old ideas of how to treat not just overeating and obesity but all addictions, because it's clear that the current approaches aren't effective. In my work with women who overeat, the focus has never been on the weight or the diet but on the real underlying reasons why a person is driven to eat compulsively and to carry extra weight.

In the following chapter, I'll talk about what I think true happiness is, how we lost track of it and how we can find it again. I'll discuss how we engage in overeating as a way to compensate for our inner sense of emptiness and alienation and how we can heal this condition without resorting to food.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1841531 2012-08-31T07:20:40-04:00 2012-10-31T05:12:02-04:00

Marcia Sirota http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-sirota/
Those of us in the West believe that we're free to make our own decisions and live our own lives, but this isn't always the case. Many people and institutions want something from us: our money, power and votes; even control over our bodies, and they'll resort to lying in order to achieve their goals.

Many liars are successful, but that's usually because we make it easy for them. As intelligent, experienced adults, it shouldn't be so easy for others to fool us, but interestingly, in this era of unlimited access to information and instant global communication, we're still too gullible.

Perhaps our infatuation with celebrity is responsible for our being charmed by attractive, charismatic liars. Perhaps our educational system isn't spending enough time teaching us how to be critical thinkers.

Whatever the reason, our willingness to be deceived enables these individuals to steal our hard-earned money, misinform us about our world, trick us into voting for them and seduce us into their beds.

If we want to be more empowered in our lives, we should stop allowing the liars of the world to take advantage of us. This requires opening our eyes and seeing the truth, so that we can begin to make truly informed choices about what we need.

When people or institutions are communicating with us, we must ascertain whether we're being told the truth or we're on the receiving end of uninformed opinion, misinformation, sneaky half-truths or pure fabrication.

Here are four basic tools for seeing through the liars in your personal, professional and political life and making sure that it's a lot harder for these people to fool you in the future:

1: Be your own fact-checker. Successful liars are especially good at making statements that seem credible at first glance but which don't hold up to scrutiny. If we want to regain control over our lives, we must closely examine what our institutions, bosses, politicians and potential lovers are telling us.

Politicians frequently make statements that are more opinion than truth, or outrageous, false claims about their opponent. It's up to each one of us to listen closely to what's being said and practice a healthy form of skepticism, rather than accepting their words as facts. We can easily assess the accuracy of their statements by doing a bit of research.

People who want our money will play on our heart-strings or our greed. They scam us with pleas for contributions to dubious charities or entice us with promises of enormous returns on our investments. Again, some fact-checking will go a long way in protecting ourselves from being taken advantage of.

Everyone has heard the cautionary tale of the bride met online who drained her new husband's savings, or the story of the charming man who was found, after the wedding, to have two other wives, credit cards in five different names, or a nasty STD. Even so, people continue to be taken in by these emotional con-artists.

We all want love, but we can't be so desperate that we turn a blind eye to the signs that there's something not quite right about our romantic partner. We have to verify that the person we're getting involved with is who they say they are and that their intentions are honourable. Especially in this era of on-line dating, checking the facts can be a matter of life and death.

2: Explore their motivations. When someone tells us something that we suspect might not be true, or something that sounds too good to be true, we should always examine why they might be say this. If we look into the motivations behind someone's words, we can easily separate the liars from the forthright.

For example, if, in our travels, a resident of a foreign country known for its poverty or human rights abuses claims that we're the love of their life, we should probably consider that they might be looking for a way out of their current circumstances. Many people who sponsored a foreign spouse for immigration into their safer, more prosperous country have been horrified to discover that they'd been used.

Advertisers often exaggerate the benefits of the products or services they want us to buy. They make their living telling us that these things will make us happier and more popular. If we think before we part with our money we can see that often, it's the advertisers and the companies they work for who'll benefit the most from our purchases.

3: Explore your own motivations. It's important when we're listening to other people that we think about why we're inclined to believe them. Many of us feel a deep sense of disconnectedness in our lives and are convinced that the way to belong is to believe in someone else.

We think that if we agree with what they're saying, we'll feel less alone in the world and therefore less anxious and unhappy. Unfortunately, in our quest for belonging, we allow ourselves to be deceived by unscrupulous individuals who seek to control nearly every aspect of our existence in return for the promise of connection.

We need to see that we can create healthy relationships and communities without giving up our autonomy or skepticism. We can recognize that when there's mutual respect, people are free, even encouraged to ask intelligent questions, look beneath the surface of things and use this knowledge as the basis of their choices.

4: Stop lying to yourself. It can be tempting to practice denial. Facing the truth about yourself or your life can be uncomfortable or upsetting, so it's not unusual to resort to the defenses of denial, wishful thinking or self-delusion.

The problem is that eventually, these dysfunctional ways of coping will catch up with us, and we'll have to live with consequences which are far worse that the initial discomfort or displeasure we might experience from facing the truth.

It's important that we get in touch with our own needs and feelings and honestly examine how our choices are affecting us. We must also face the truth about the people in our lives, and stop ignoring when our gut feelings tell us that they're being insincere.

If we don't do these things, it will be far too easy for the users, manipulators and thieves of the world to take advantage of our willful blindness or hopeful fantasy. We become vulnerable to dishonest people when we aren't honest with ourselves.

When we acknowledge the truth of what we feel and what we see, our needs become clear and in this way, we become empowered. We're more able to achieve our goals and a lot less likely to be thrown off track by someone who's deceiving us in order to promote their own agenda.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1695152 2012-07-23T11:38:40-04:00 2012-09-22T05:12:05-04:00

Marcia Sirota http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-sirota/
It's a miserable voice that causes a lot of difficulties. It creates shame, self-doubt and sometimes even emotional paralysis. I call it the "inner critic," as it arises out of a child's automatic internalization of all the critical messages she took in as she was growing up, from her parents, relatives, teachers, coaches, clergy or the media.

Your inner critic is as destructive today as the negative messages were hurtful to you when you were younger. If, in your childhood, most of the adults around you were supportive and affirming, the inner critic in your head will be fairly insignificant, but if the majority of the adults you knew were critical toward you, or if one or two grown-ups really put you down, you probably have a powerful inner critic.

When we're unaware of a psychological issue, we have no power to resolve it. It follows then, that the first step in getting rid of this hyper-critical voice within you is to recognize that it's there, and that there's a big difference between your usual inner monologue and the negative voice of the inner critic.

The second step is to understand that it's not an integral part of your true self; it's "other." That is, it's a bit like a parasite. As opposed to the physical type of parasite, this one resides in your psyche, feeds off your negative emotions and releases toxins into your mind. Like a physical parasite, however, you can and should get rid of it before it causes you any more harm.

The third step toward eliminating the inner critic is recognizing that it's neither necessary for your survival nor in any way conducive to your well-being. Once you're an adult, you don't need any parent-figure to tell you how to take care of yourself or live your life, and it's obvious that you won't benefit from an inner voice that demands perfection, criticizes your every move, fills you with anxiety and burdens you with guilt.

The fourth step is to take time to identify the various messages the critic is sending you. It can be helpful to do an exercise in which you write down as many as possible, and then write refutations of each negative message.

For example, if the critic is always telling you that you're not smart, you can write down that you know you're smart because of all the things that you've accomplished in your life. If it tells you that you're undeserving of love or happiness, write down that you're as entitled as anyone else to these things.

It's important not to bargain, plead or negotiate with the inner critic, however. Engaging with it in this way won't be effective. You need to be firm and strong in the face of this negative force, or it will take advantage of what it perceives as weakness or vulnerability on your part by intensifying its criticisms.

I sometimes compare the inner critic to an abusive partner. Like such a partner, the inner critic tells you that you're useless, worthless, and undeserving of love or respect. It says that you're incapable of succeeding at anything you try and that without it, you won't be able to function. At the same time as it puts you down, it tells you that you need it for your survival.

Unfortunately, just like when you're with an abusive partner, the more you believe these lies, the longer you stay trapped in the vicious circle of being undermined, underachieving, and being reminded that you're a failure. The only way to get rid of the inner critic (or an abusive partner) is to reject the lies and begin to build your self-esteem.

This isn't done with empty affirmations, but by making every effort to love and accept yourself as you are now, and by through pursuing meaningful goals. These are the fifth and sixth steps in getting rid of this inner voice of negativity.

Every time you achieve something, be it large or small, if you affirm yourself and use this affirmation to develop your self-confidence, it will go toward building your self-worth and silencing the inner critic. Accumulating a series of accomplishments will create a storehouse of proof that you are, indeed, capable of success in your endeavors.

Recognizing the existence of the inner critic; knowing that it's not a true part of who you are; seeing that it's neither necessary nor helpful for your survival or success; identifying and refuting the specific messages the critic is sending you; beginning to love and accept yourself and acknowledging your various accomplishments are the six steps, then, in eliminating this toxic entity in your psyche. Why not get going on them right now?]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1649590 2012-07-04T15:59:05-04:00 2012-09-03T05:12:07-04:00

Marcia Sirota http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-sirota/
As a rule, people who crave control are reacting to their past; to a childhood or adolescence in which they felt that they had little or no control. They're attempting to compensate for this uncomfortable experience by being overly-controlling in their adult lives.

The problem with control is that it's an unattainable goal. No matter how hard a person might try, nothing can be controlled; not the weather, politics, world financial markets, one's own body and certainly not other people. People are under an illusion when they believe in control, and they risk being deeply disillusioned if they keep on trying to achieve it.

I've noticed that "control freaks" come in two versions: the benign and the malignant. The former are more focused on self-control. They repress their emotions, restrict their food intake and drive themselves toward impossible standards of perfection in their career, hobbies and self-improvement.

The latter group are invested in controlling others. They might choose such ostensibly helpful professions such as psychotherapists, doctors, police or military officers. Alternatively, they might be bullies at their school or workplace, or hyper-controlling in their intimate relationships. Their goal is to have power over the people they're associated with, either personally or professionally.

Whether benign or malignant, all these individuals eventually come up against the painful reality that it's futile to try and be in control. Those who want to control themselves suffer terribly as they become locked in a life-long inner conflict between the part of the psyche that seeks utter control (the super-ego, or internalized parent) and the part that wants to be free (the id, or child within).

Those who seek to control others eventually see that no matter how much they manipulate, coerce, threaten or implore, they can never have absolute control over another person, because even if they imprison the other person's body, they can never imprison their spirit. Also, it should be pointed out that the person being controlled cannot be in control of their responses toward the controller.

Those who are subject to bullying or coercion, even if ordinarily meek and non-confrontational, will eventually tire of being pushed around and will find a way to rebel, whether this is done consciously and directly, by protesting, or indirectly, by being passive-resistant or even passive-aggressive.

Even someone in an abusive relationship who knows that she'll be verbally or physically assaulted if she stands up to her partner will still find it hard to resist acting out against her controller. It's not that they want to be abused, but eventually they become so indignant toward the abuser and so unhappy with their situation that they won't be able to resist the urge to be spiteful. The angry id will out.

The whole problem with control is that it denies the existence of the unconscious. It assumes that we're all solely rational beings, capable of using the power of our minds to guide every aspect of our existence. The idea of "mind over matter" is erroneous, seeing as how the compulsion to be in control isn't a conscious, rational choice, but one based on deep-seated, unresolved emotional wounds and needs.

Those who attempt to control themselves often end up with two types of reactive behaviors: what I call backlash and leakage. Both of these reactions are driven by the child within, who becomes so frustrated and disgusted by the whole exercise that she sabotages it to the best of her abilities.

An example of backlash is when a person who's been on a strict diet begins to binge uncontrollably, regaining any weight that he's lost, plus a few extra pounds. An example of leakage is when a person who prides himself on his impeccable social graces suddenly begins to blurt inappropriately. The "inner boor" has leaked out, replacing the former, more appropriate persona.

Within the psyche of every person, there's a constant battle between the forces of chaos (id) and the forces of control (super-ego). Those of us with a well-developed adult identity can usually manage to maintain a reasonable balance within our personality, being neither overly impulsive nor excessively repressed.

Those who are overly-invested in self-control, however, find themselves swinging between the extremes of rigidity and explosiveness, as the inner conflict ends up being played out in their public behavior. The more the internal forces of control try to make the person buckle under, the more the forces of chaos resist and act out in fury.

For those who try to control other people, chronic unsuccessful attempts to bend others to their will can only have one result: intense frustration which will cause them to intensify their attempts at control and will likely result in increased resistance on the part of those being controlled. The controllers may or not succeed in getting others to tow the line, but they'll certainly create a lot of drama and suffering for all parties.

Those who attempt to control themselves will spend their lives see-sawing back and forth between extremes of perfectionism and inappropriate acting out. Their lives will be miserable, both for what they must give up in their attempts to achieve "perfection" and in the personal and social consequences of their backlash and leakage.

Control is impossible, and the past can never be compensated for by present-day actions. It must be faced, grieved, healed and released. Those enamored with the idea of control would do better to see that instead of trying to be "in control," they can make conscious, empowered choices about their lives right now.

Making such choices will bring the best possible outcome in all endeavors and relationships, and will demonstrate not only the futility but the irrelevance of trying to be "in control."]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1628951 2012-06-27T12:21:29-04:00 2012-08-27T05:12:06-04:00

Marcia Sirota http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-sirota/
The first mistake is thinking that we should settle for less than what we want. Some people have low self-esteem. Perhaps they were led to believe, while growing up, that they didn't deserve the best out of life, including in their relationships. These people are prone to settling for less, as they don't think they can do better.

In reality, we all deserve to pursue the type of relationship we want. It may not be possible in life to have everything we want, but we don't need to impose our own limitations, before we've even started to look for a partner.

Our friends don't help when they encourage us to tolerate a neglectful boyfriend or an unhappy marriage. They project their own fears onto us, assuming that we're just as anxious about ending up alone and just as desperate to hold onto our partner at any cost.

We're led to believe that we should settle for less by our own and our friends' low expectations. We -- and they -- are convinced that we should feel grateful just to have a relationship and not be so greedy as to think that we actually could be happy in it. Of course, the more we settle, the less we get, which only serves to reinforce our belief that better isn't available to us.

But why then is it that some people do get the great boyfriend or the loving, attentive wife? Who are these people who strive for more out of life and obtain happiness and fulfillment? They're clearly the ones who don't limit themselves with expectations of less. They feel entitled to have more, or at least to try for more, in their love life. And, because they don't settle, they're much more likely to achieve their goals.

Settling is a self-fulfilling prophesy. The more we settle, the more we believe that this is our lot in life, so we don't bother trying to do better. If we recognize that we're as deserving as the next person, and equally free to pursue what we really want in our relationships, we'll quickly see that settling for less is a big mistake.

Another problematic attitude in romance is trying to get our partner to change. We mistakenly view our partners or potential partners as projects that we can work on, as opposed to individuals with their own ideas of how they should think and act.

We have to see that people are unlikely to be motivated to act or think differently just because we want them to. If they feel inclined to change, it'll come out of their own need for personal growth and not because their partner wants them to.

If we insist on them changing, our partner might try to do so for us, but then they're likely to resent us for it. Alternatively, they can resist our attempts, which can create a lot of conflict in the relationship.

We have to be happy with the other person when we embark on a relationship with them. If there are things which we find particularly objectionable, we should be wary of getting involved with this person, as the likelihood of them changing for us and being OK with it is slim.

The last major mistake we make in our relationships is projecting the people from the past onto the people we know today. This is especially common when we confuse our current loved ones with our original loved ones -- our parents.

It's all too easy to imagine that our present-day partner is just like our mother or father, and to ascribe to them the same personality traits and motivations that our parent(s) had. We can imagine that they're critical, rejecting, or that they have unreasonable expectations when none of these things are true.

Worse, we can react with hurt or angry feeling toward our partner, thinking that they're behaving like our parent(s) when they aren't. They could become confused or angry with us in turn, which could then jeopardize our relationship.

Before we start imagining that the person we're involved with is like our parent(s), we should open our eyes and take a good look at who's in front of us. Perhaps they have some traits in common with our mom or dad. We are, after all, creatures of habit and tend to go after what's familiar.

If our partner does share some traits with one or both of our parents, that's not necessarily a bad thing, unless their behaviour is hurtful to us. No matter how similar your current parter is to your parent(s), however, they aren't your mom or dad and you need to stop behaving toward them as though they were.

It's clear, then, that there are three common mistakes we can make in our relationships. If we recognize and let go of these, we're likely to have a lot more success in our current and future relationships.]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1302181 2012-02-27T11:08:45-05:00 2012-04-28T05:12:01-04:00

Marcia Sirota http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-sirota/
When you're in touch with your anger and able to express it in a balanced and moderate manner, this emotion is your ally. Knowing when you're angry enables you to stand up for yourself when you need to, and when to walk away from a hurtful situation. The healthy awareness and expression of anger can be very empowering.

Problems arise when your anger is out of balance. Out of balance anger can have a few different manifestations. You can be someone who's cranky or irritable; you could be getting into arguments with people too easily, behaving aggressively, or acting impulsively. I'll discuss this type of anger shortly.

On the other side of the coin, you could be someone who has trouble expressing your normal angry feelings. This might be because you're out of touch with your anger; these feelings being blocked or repressed, or because there's some sort of unconscious prohibition within you to expressing your anger.

People have difficulty accessing their angry feelings when they've learned in childhood that anger is bad. This will happen if the child has witnessed anger being expressed in a frightening or destructive manner. Equally, a person might not feel safe expressing their own anger in adulthood because when they tried to do so as a child, they were threatened or punished for it. It's also possible that they've accumulated so much anger and it feels so huge inside them that they're afraid they might hurt someone if they let it out.

If you've grown up to believe that all anger is destructive, or that it's not safe to be angry, you probably won't want to admit to yourself that you have anger, let alone try to express it in any way. Since you see this emotion as something bad, or dangerous to yourself or others, you'll want to deny its existence within you. The paradox of this psychological defence mechanism against unwanted anger is that denying it prevents you from being able to release it.

Because you can't acknowledge this emotion, any situation that causes you to become angry also leads to you stuffing down the anger so you can't feel it or know it. The anger you internalize as an adult combines with the anger you've been sitting on from your childhood. Over time, you accumulate an excess of unacknowledged, unexpressed anger.

Anger that's being denied festers inside you like an unhealed wound, leaking emotional toxins into your system. The pain you feel as a result of this buried emotion causes you to have one of two reactions: either you become overly nice and pleasing, in reaction against the anger bubbling up inside you, or you become irritable or surly, defensive or hostile.

The more you deny your anger, the more likely it is that it will come out inappropriately. Being too nice is an impossible stance. The repressed anger is held in under pressure, and at some point a crack will occur in the defense mechanism and the anger will leak out. It can emerge as passive-aggressive behaviour or explode in an outburst. Leaking anger can also be turned inward against yourself as severe self criticism or self-destructiveness.

Many people deal with their unwanted anger by engaging in activities meant to repress it; for example, overeating, excessive drinking, or using drugs. Conversely, some people unconsciously transform their disowned anger into high-risk activities such as extreme sports, high-stakes gambling or speeding.

Interestingly, whether or not other people are consciously aware of all the anger that you're carrying, many will intuitively sense it. Even if you're the nicest, most agreeable people-pleaser, the resentment growing inside you as a result of this repressed material will manifest in your facial expressions, posture, mannerisms, or slips of the tongue.

Perhaps you'll leak anger by being sarcastic once too often, or by being impatient with others. One way or another, the people around you will know that you're walking around with a lot of anger, and they'll respond accordingly.

When you're going through life holding onto anger, you may find that you attract angry people to you. This can happen for one of two reasons: these people can sense in you a kindred spirit with whom they want to associate, or they might recognize that you're in need of some sort of resolution for your disowned rage.

Overtly angry people will be more than willing to act out your repressed, unexpressed anger for you, if you're not willing to do so. In fact, they're actively looking for any opportunity to dump their rage, and they'll gladly direct it at the people with whom you're angry or at you. This type of person goes about expressing their feelings in the opposite way as you do.

These people are full of rage, and can't or won't contain it. They're compelled to release this deep well of emotion, and it pours out all over the place. They can't help but vent their anger inappropriately -- the urge to vent is so powerful, it's almost an addiction -- and they get into a lot of trouble as a result. People see them as nasty, frightening or undesirable because they're unable to keep their anger in check.

If you're someone who's overtly angry, you too may have had some sort of negative childhood experiences which left you feeling confused or ambivalent about anger. But your way of dealing with the feelings inside you is to spew, in the erroneous belief that this will bring you relief.

Unfortunately, spewing your anger is no more effective a means of releasing it than repressing it is. Emotional vomiting doesn't help you let go of your anger. It's not the way that you'll find healing or relief. In fact, it has the effect of generating more anger, as you become identified as an "angry person," and as the mounting consequences of your explosions cause you to accrue additional angry feelings.

Neither repressing nor spewing your anger will enable you to let go of it. The only way to stop being an angry person is to face your anger head-on and deal with it consciously. When you take responsibility for your anger, you become empowered with regard to it.

Whether you're someone who holds it in or someone who can't keep it from spilling out, you're not in charge of your anger, and you need to be. Anger is a powerful emotion and you have to master it or continue to suffer the consequences of its misuse.

Facing the extent of your anger today, and dealing with the events from the past that caused all the angry feelings to build up inside you will enable you to begin the process of healing. You may need therapeutic support if the incidents which led to your carrying this anger were multiple or traumatic. A therapist can help you process your anger in a way that feels safe.

When you hold in anger, it poisons you. When it leaks or explodes outward, you hurt others as well. Inappropriately-expressed anger fails to offer a lasting sense of relief and causes significant stress as it forces you to deal with the backlash of your unacceptable, undesirable behaviour.

If you take responsibility for your anger and learn how to express it appropriately, you're at an advantage in society. You don't have to deal with the increasing resentment of being a people-pleaser, the frustration of never getting your needs met, or the consequences of your inappropriate leaks.

When you're able to own your angry feelings and express them in moderation, you become empowered in your dealings with others. Knowing that you can be assertive in your relationships gives you a new-found sense of confidence in yourself which leads to inner peace.

When you lay claim to your valid feelings of anger and feel free to express them appropriately, you're no longer sitting on a volcano that's ready to blow or a river of toxic waste ready to overflow its borders. You can begin to stand up for yourself and speak out for yourself when you need to. Because you trust yourself to do this, you don't have to walk around feeling resentful and accumulating more and more anger.

The way to stop being an angry person, then, is to see that whatever happened in your childhood doesn't mean that anger is all bad. You can learn to access and express your anger in a healthy way. You can come to see that it needn't be a dangerous or destructive force, but rather a signal that something is wrong when you feel it, and a tool for appropriate self-defence when you express it.

]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.1294176 2012-02-22T14:31:52-05:00 2012-04-23T05:12:01-04:00

Marcia Sirota http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-sirota/
It hurts to be rejected, and often, it makes you wonder what you did wrong. You might even begin to think that there's something unattractive or undesirable about you.

Being dumped can bring up a lot of self-doubt. You could start thinking that you're too fat or too scrawny; that you talk too much, or you're too quiet. You might imagine that you're not enough fun, or that you're not serious enough. All of these things are possible, but more than likely, the reasons that you were dumped were about the other person and not you.

There's a big difference between a breakup that's the result of a relationship that's been gradually deteriorating and a breakup that comes out of the blue. When things aren't going well with a couple, it's not such a big surprise when one person finally decides to pack it in. It might be disappointing (or perhaps a huge relief), but it's not a shock.

When someone you've been seeing suddenly ends things, however, you have to know that often the breakup is really about them. It's most likely the result of thoughts that had been rumbling around in their mind for a while. This might be a conscious process, but it's just as likely that it was all happening beneath the surface of their conscious awareness.

Understanding the mechanisms behind the sudden ending of a relationship might help you see that although no one is perfect, you don't necessarily have to blame yourself for a relationship going sour.

Of course, it always pays to look inward and ask yourself if indeed, there might have been something that you were doing that could have precipitated a breakup. If you were overly demanding, too clingy, extremely touchy, or unreasonable, these behaviours could have alienated the other person.

Other behaviours that might lead to a breakup include being too dramatic, seeing yourself as overly entitled, or being too pushy or passive. After a breakup, it's worth examining your actions so that you can learn from your mistakes and do better the next time.

If, however, you've searched your soul and can't find evidence of any off-putting behaviours, and you feel that you were warm, caring, and reasonable, you can probably rest assured that things have ended because of something to do with the other person.

So why would someone suddenly pull the plug on what seemed to be going well? Possibly, they have fears of intimacy, or maybe they don't want to be "tied down." Maybe they have unreasonable expectations of some sort of fantasy love object who'll fulfill all their co-dependency needs. Another reason might be indirectly related to you, though. The other person might see you as too smart, too competent or too capable.

They might be intimidated by your intelligence and abilities, and feel like you'll show them up. They might feel like they can't have the upper hand in a relationship with someone as clever as you. Perhaps they're a bit controlling and they realize that you're too self-confident and independent for them to be able to push you around. Maybe they're insecure and can't tolerate being around anyone as attractive and successful as you.

When the person you've been seeing can't handle who you are, dumping you is really a sign that they know that they won't be able to interact with you in the dysfunctional way they'd like to. If you've looked inside and can't see anything that you might have done to precipitate a breakup, it's highly likely that being dumped was an indication of how great you are, rather than your inadequacy.

If you want to survive being dumped, you need to stop beating yourself up. If there was something that you did that lead to the breakup, this is your opportunity to learn from your mistakes. If there was nothing that you did wrong, however, you should see that the person who dumped you has done you a favour. If they're unable to be with someone as great as you, you would have quickly discovered that they weren't someone you'd want to waste your time with, either.

(C) Marcia Sirota MD]]> tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.1166229 2011-12-30T09:07:50-05:00 2012-02-29T05:12:01-05:00

Marcia Sirota http://www.huffingtonpost.com/marcia-sirota/ recent article I described 10 bad habits to let go of in the coming year. Now I'd like to talk about 10 good habits to adopt in 2012 so that you can go into the year armed with some tools designed to bring you success and greater happiness.

The first habit to cultivate in the new year is patience. We're all in such a rush so much of the time and there are many negative consequences to this. Aside from not being able to enjoy the here and now, being impatient makes you more prone to errors and accidents. It also creates frustration when you don't get the results you want when you want them.

You create a lot of unhappiness for yourself out of your impatience. Why not give yourself a break, enjoy the present moment and have more reasonable, realistic expectations of how long things should take. You'll be much happier, less anxious and more competent if you do this.

The second good habit to develop in 2012 is moral courage. By this, I mean the ability to do the right thing, even when it's not easy to do so. There's been a lot of news coverage recently about a case in which young children were being abused while a number of adults knew about it but did nothing to stop it. Ultimately, it resulted in trauma for the children and serious legal trouble for the adults.

Moral courage is a very important value that we need to return to popularity. When more of us are willing to stand up for what's right and to speak out against what's wrong, many innocent people will be spared great suffering. Doing the right thing will enable you to sleep at night with a clear conscience and with pride in yourself for having ably risen to the occasion.

Deferred gratification is another trait to cultivate in the new year. By this I mean the ability to wait for things to pay off. If you're able to invest your time and energy wisely into projects that will bring you satisfaction in the future, you stand a much better chance of achieving enduring happiness than someone who tries the quick and easy route to success.

The fourth good habit on the list is perseverance. It can be a challenge to stick with your goals, especially if they're slow to achieve or difficult to bring to fruition. If you persevere, as opposed to giving in to the temptation to quit or to try something easier, you'll eventually be rewarded with success and fulfillment.

Self-acceptance is number five on the list of good habits to adopt in the coming year. It can be so easy to be self-critical or a perfectionist, but there's no advantage to any of this. In fact, cultivating an attitude of positive self-regard will support you in your goals. Loving and accepting yourself as you are right now will enable you to put your best foot forward in every situation. It will also allow you to let in love, care and support.

Following along the lines of number five is positive self-talk. The more you practice talking to yourself in a loving and supportive manner, the better you'll do and the happier you'll be. Positive self-talk will bring out the best in you, whereas critical self-talk can be discouraging, even potentially disabling.

When you eradicate the destructive messages of the "inner critic" and talk to yourself with the same kindness, patience and encouragement you offer to others, there's no way you can't succeed.

Kindness is number seven on the list of good habits to adopt in 2012. This is different from being an overly-nice people-pleaser. Being kind means being loving but honest with others; it means being generous but setting limits on how much you do for others and how much you'll tolerate from them.

True kindness is an empowered stance that has nothing to do with taking abuse. It's generosity arising from an over-flowing of self love. When you love and accept yourself, it's easier to love and accept others for who they are, but this doesn't mean accepting their bad behaviour.

Number eight on the list is having a healthy attitude. This means letting go of pessimism, victim consciousness, melodrama or the expectation that other people will solve your problems for you. A healthy attitude involves taking responsibility for yourself and your life, being willing to do what it takes to achieve your goals, not blaming anyone else for your problems and not feeling sorry for yourself when you experience difficulties.

A healthy attitude means being the adult in your life as opposed to a spoiled, hurt or angry child. It's recognizing that you're the only one who can make yourself happy and fix your problems and seeing that taking on these tasks will bring you a better, easier life.

The ninth good habit to cultivate in the new year is an aversion to drama. When you opt for a calm, peaceful existence, choosing only to associate with people who are polite, respectful, loving and reasonable, life is much easier and infinitely sweeter.

There are some folks out there who love nothing more than to create trouble. They pit people against each other and then sit back and enjoy the ensuing chaos. You have a choice whether or not to associate with these troublemakers, depending on whether you want a more or less stressful life in 2012.

Ruthless compassion is tenth on the list of good habits to cultivate in 2012. This philosophy of honesty and loving kindness can really pay off for you in the coming year. Facing the truth about yourself without harsh self-criticism will enable you to grow and change so that you can become your best self.

Facing the truth about the other people in your life will empower you to improve your good relationships and to let go of the toxic ones you've been engaging in. With ruthless compassion, you'll stop enabling the bad behaviour of other people and no longer tolerate disrespect. You'll stop protecting hurtful people from the consequences of their bad choices and you'll be able to conserve your energy for pursuing meaningful goals.

By cultivating some or all of these good habits in 2012, you can be sure that the coming year will bring you happiness, success and a lot less stress.
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