masalamommas2013-05-21T11:20:03-04:00masalamommashttp://www.huffingtonpost.ca/author/index.php?author=masalamommasCopyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc.HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for masalamommasGood old fashioned elbow grease.What I Wanted Most After Divorce? My Name Backtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.28717522013-04-03T12:11:26-04:002013-04-03T12:04:29-04:00masalamommashttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/masalamommas/
Little did I realize then the implications it would have for days, months, and years to come. Just as it was cumbersome to go through the motions of changing my name on EVERYTHING when I got married, it was equally if not more bothersome to do so now that I was divorced. The excitement of the name change was somewhat bittersweet in the sense that once again, this was one more thing that confirmed and grounded that a dream I had of a perfect marriage, life and family was just that...a dream.
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In my mind, changing my name back to my maiden was an act of freedom. I would finally free myself of the association with this man and life that brought me years of pain and unhappiness. Having been a wife, a daughter-in-law, a mother, a daughter, a sister -- everything but ME -- this was my final release. This short-lived joy came to a screeching halt the first time I had to update paperwork at the kids' school and doctor's office. I was looking at a piece of paper that now separated my kids and I by something as insignificant yet at that same time as important, as a name. I was now Ms.So-and-So, no longer Mrs. So-and-So.
Would my kids be looked at differently? Would people wonder if they were adopted or foster kids? Will there be speculation among the Indian teachers at their school as to the who, what, where and whys of my kids' life? So many questions went through my mind at that one moment of filling out the emergency card for their school.
My kids, bless their hearts, didn't share or display any negative feelings towards me changing my name. Shortly thereafter a call from their doctor's office was a jolt of reality as well. As I revelled in this newfound identity; the customary changing of my name on every public forum and media as possible, notifying friends and family to update and change their way of identifying me, came the call. "May I speak to Mrs. So-and-So?"
My immediate, perhaps a bit bratty reaction was to tell the caller that they have the wrong number. However, seeing the caller ID with the doctor's name snapped me back to reality. I politely notified them this is the mother and to please update their record to the name change. This conversation was repeated numerous times over the next few months with the school, the teachers, the doctor's office, the counsellor, the old school, the courts...you get the idea.
Now comes the fun part...the kids' friends. The circle of friends the boys had was blessedly a well mannered group of kids. They always referred to me as Mrs. So-and-So. To now have to tell these kids to instead call me Ms. So-and-So was a little bit more than awkward. Between my kids' prodding and my glares of "The Look" the friends soon learned to call me with the new name. I feel blessed that my boys understood the importance for me to change my name. They themselves were always very quick to correct anyone that mistakenly identified me with their dad's last name. I still find it a little strange at times when I introduce myself to teachers. However, I have accepted that a different last name among family dynamics today is an acceptable norm in the American subculture. Perhaps not so much among the South Asian culture.
The reality is that it is becoming more common in all realms than before. I could have kept my married last name as my mother had. However I felt it more important to disconnect myself in order to move on and create an identity for myself. Their dad's last name is forever a part of my kids' life and future. That's a legacy they will carry on for him and with them. My role in that has been fulfilled and I am now free to continue with what I feel is meant to be my legacy.
My contribution to that for my children does not have to be identified to a name. They, as my children, are a part of me and will carry that forth with or without a name associated with it. So, what's in a name you ask?It's an identify for myself and myself alone. In the end, that's what matters.
Read about Vaishali's journey as a single South Asian mom "Mom, I'm Leaving Him and Getting a Divorce."]]>One Mother's Journey as a Parent With Parkinson's Diseasetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.29960342013-04-02T17:00:00-04:002013-04-02T16:57:55-04:00masalamommashttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/masalamommas/
Now a mother of three daughters, aged 12, 10 and six, she says her biggest challenge back then was trying to find ways to help her children understand her diagnosis and making sure they were never afraid.
Parkinson's Disease is a disorder of the brain that leads to shaking or tremors and difficulty with walking, movement, and coordination. It is a chronic, degenerative neurological disorder that affects one in 100 people over age 60. While the average age at onset is 60, approximately 10 per cent of cases can occur under the age of 45, some as young as 18. A diagnosis such as this affects whole family units, including most significantly, the children. Parents that are struggling with their diagnosis often have trouble dealing with the idea that their parental role may now have to adapt given the change in their health.
Here are 21 other rare diseases that you can help spread awareness on. Story continues after slideshow
While most moms with a new diagnosis of Parkinson's would perhaps shut down or become depressed, Mathur made it her mission to ensure her daughters were never afraid and she herself made it a priority to be present as a mom as much as possible.
"In my situation, Parkinson's has always been a part of my daughters' lives. It was definitely challenging though when I was pregnant with each child because at that time or when I was breastfeeding, I couldn't take my medication and so the symptoms were really bothersome.
"It was challenging when I had to do the normal things like feeding, bathing or changing them when they were squirming. Not that it would stop me from doing it; I wouldn't let it. It would just take me a lot longer to get through a task that would take other moms less time to get through.
"It was challenging from a physical point of view. As they grew older, Parkinson's became the norm. For them, I've always had shaky hands and I've had to take medication and sometimes I need to wait before I can do an activity. Sometimes I can colour in the lines with them sometimes not so much, sometimes I can paint their nails, other times they're better off waiting. That's just a part of life and we don't dwell on the negative. They always knew what my issues were but we just hadn't put a label on it."
She says being South Asian also made disclosing the diagnosis difficult.
"I think being South Asian did play a role in what I disclosed to my parents. I didn't tell them for a long time because I'm an only child and my parents, like many Indian parents, are extremely overprotective. I didn't disclose it to them for many years because of the fear it would devastate them.
"I think some of it is a fear of what other people will say. In general there's a lack of understanding in the Indian community, that somehow your illness is a defect. My parents however, were absolutely wonderful when they found out and very supportive."
Mathur admits it was emotional for her when she did find out she had Parkinson's but she didn't have time to deal with her diagnosis because she became a busy mom of three along with running a busy family practice. She says by the time she had her third child, she really wanted a resource to help educate her children about her diagnosis.
"I wanted to find resources to help educate my girls in a more formal way about Parkinson's. I started looking for little stories to help Meeraya, my youngest, understand the challenge I was facing and also to reassure her. There wasn't anything I could find anywhere."
Mathur says giving her children control of the situation was a priority. She adds she and her husband Arun always encouraged their daughters to give part of their allowance to charity as a way to foster empathy and compassion. Over the years, they also took on fundraising and charity events with The Michael J. Fox Foundation for Parkinson's Research and it was that activity that started the dialogue.
"We were talking about the fact that we had just gotten back from one of the charity events in New York with the Michael J. Fox Foundation and we asked them, 'So do you know why we attend all these Parkinson's events?' My oldest had no clue, but my 10-year-old, Neha, said, 'Because you have Parkinson's,' which floored us, because we never discussed it. But she's so intuitive and I guess she put two and two together.
"Then they all said 'Mom, we're going to start giving our allowance to The Michael J. Fox Foundation for Research because we want you to be better.' Then we hugged and it was a really amazing moment."
Mathur says her diagnosis has become a learning opportunity for her family and for her children.
"My daughters have learned a lot of empathy, compassion, charity and kindness through this process. We didn't really label it as Parkinson's up until two years ago. When toddlers fall, they look to you for your reaction. If you freak out, they cry. If you take things calmly, they pick themselves up and walk on. So we took a similar approach in dealing with my diagnosis.
"We wanted to take a very matter a fact approach so it wouldn't stress them. We didn't want to add to their pressure. They're having enough pressure navigating the world, dealing with peer groups, school etc. It's a lot for a child to handle especially when it's something that's not within their control.
"My diagnosis taught them that they're going to have challenges in their lives, and how they approach those challenges is going to determine the kind of women they'll become."
But for Mathur, the education didn't stop there. Her experience with her children inspired her to want to help other moms who were struggling like her to find resources to educate their children. She decided to write children's books for both preschoolers and older children.
"I've always loved children's books. I have a house full of them. My husband Arun really encouraged me to pursue it. My dad also did a lot of writing for children and he was very encouraging as well."
The goal was to write the books in a way that would address some of her own experiences and her daughters' challenges when it came to Parkinson's. She's currently written two for preschoolers already. They are in the illustration phase and one other for older children is almost complete.
"My two older daughters Neha and Sarika have helped me through this process and the youngest provides inspiration," says Mathur.
"One story is about a grandfather and his grandson and is specific to the experience of Parkinson's. The other is about a mother and her daughter. The mother-daughter one can be used for any mother who has a chronic illness as a point of teaching for them. The one I am currently completing, a guide for older children, is much more about the physiology of Parkinson's: Why people shake, what the medications do to you, how the child can cope with the diagnosis and what to do when the child is scared.
"The children's guide was a result of when I disclosed my diagnosis to the older girls because I wanted to find a project that we could work on together to help them understand a bit more detail on what Parkinson's was all about, rather than mama just had the shakes. It's been almost therapeutic in that way to work on it together. My daughters are helping to write boxes of information throughout the book with them talking about how my situation affected them."
Mathur says she believes that parents in similar situations need to be sensitive in how they communicate a diagnosis like Parkinson's or any other illness, to their children.
She has these tips for parents:
1) Be honest in your disclosure because children are extremely intuitive. The stories they make up in their head are probably much worse than what the reality is. It can make a child more uncomfortable if they know a parent is hiding something from them. Take into consideration their age and maturity level when deciding what information to give them.
2) Use words that are directed towards their education level. Try to limit the complexity of your explanations but do try and educate them about some of the more common technical terms.
3) Always express hope. Every situation has a positive perspective. Children are remarkably resilient and their perspective is usually far more optimistic than our own. Honour that optimism and outlook.
4) Empower them by giving them concrete ways to help out, be it with daily tasks such as housework or more proactive activities such as fundraising. Otherwise they can feel helpless in what is in reality, an uncontrollable situation for them.
For Mathur, her hope, inspiration and her family keep her strong and drive her to want to help others especially parents with similar challenges.
"Before my Parkinson's diagnosis my daily mantra was 'don't pray for an easy life, pray to be a strong person.' That's what I often say to myself when I'm having a bad day."
April is Parkinson's Disease month, do you know someone with Parkinson's? Share this story with them.
By Anjum Choudhry Nayyar
Follow Anjum on Twitter @masalamommas
Learn more about Soania's journey with Parkinson's Disease on twitter @soaniamathur
Has Parkinson's Affected the Way I Parent?]]>How Single Parents Can Keep Their Kids Safe From Bullyingtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.29253382013-03-21T17:38:05-04:002013-05-21T05:12:01-04:00masalamommashttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/masalamommas/
Recently, I needed to confront this monster face to face myself as one of my sons informed me of an episode that took place with him. I have never had to face this before as their dad handled such conflicts. My first reaction was to march to this other child's home who dared to think he could dominate, hurt and threaten MY son! Common sense prevailed and the thought was just that...a thought. It's heartbreaking to one day realize that there is something, someone in existence that's playing a role in preventing you from protecting your children. Nothing makes a parent feel more powerless and helpless than the inability to keep their children safe.
What is bullying? "Bullying is unwanted, aggressive behaviour among school aged children that involves a real or perceived power imbalance. The behaviour is repeated, or has the potential to be repeated, over time. Bullying includes actions such as making threats, spreading rumours, attacking someone physically or verbally, and excluding someone from a group on purpose.
There has been quite a bit of "how to" and "what to do" propaganda in circulation in light of recent events. Yes, I agree that bullying is unnecessary, preventable and without a doubt tragic. I also agree that there are certain steps that both a parent and the child must take in order for the acts to be contained and stopped! I can sit here and tell you that as a parent, I DID those very things that all agencies, websites, counsellors and advocates tell a parent that they are "supposed" to do. That worked fine when my kids were little.
What happens when they become teenagers and are now caught up in the peer pressure of "Don't Be a Snitch"? What happens when the stigma of "snitching" on peers overwhelms your child's instincts to trust the system? Why is it so difficult for so many teens to follow the guidelines that were instilled in them from a very young age? "Snitching" happens to be a term common among teens and is something I've been dealing with recently. It segregates them from the accepted group...the one that stands out...the one that is now a target to be bullied.
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It's one thing when they're able to come home and talk to dad about this. What now that dad isn't around, and mom is the one you rely on? The simplest of solutions was counter intimidation. In spite of all that we're taught, the reality and my experience has been that an alpha personality needs to make themselves present in a way that basically shows the opponent -- hey, don't mess with me! I realize that is counter-intuitive to everything we are taught on how to handle such conflicts"? In a classic textbook scenario, yes, I would 100 per cent follow the steps on how to resolve this conflict:
1) Walk away from the situation
2) Notify the yard duty and/or teacher
3) Inform the parents
4) Escalate to Principal if needed
5) Mediate with parents of other child(ren) if necessary
According to a recent article in the Huffington Post, children who are upset or withdrawn because their parents have separated -- especially if they've had to move and change communities or schools -- are quickly identified by bullies as easy marks."
As a parent of children coming from a hostile environment, I have a fairly different set of responsibilities in addition to the traditional safe-guarding of our children. We have to:
a) Establish a rapport and a relationship with teachers & school authorities that are very open and candid. They are our allies, our ears, and our eyes in an extremely vulnerable and sensitive time of our lives.
b) Establish trust and open communication with your child in the event that an unfortunate incident (be it bullying or something else) occurs.
c) Don't react -- Remember, your teen is feeling the emotions 100 times more magnified than you are. They're the ones LIVING the hell day to day. Be sensitive to them and the situation. Most importantly, LISTEN to them.
d) Make yourself available -- it's easy to get lost in your own drama. Make them a priority. Think back to when you were their age and put yourself in their shoes. All they want is for you to listen and understand them.
e) Actions speak louder than words. Show, not just tell them that they are a priority. Don't assume that they know what's on your and their mind. Ask, probe and Yes... be nosy! Resistance today is welcomed tomorrow.
f) Instil in them early on that they are not alone! It's easy as a teen to find an excuse to isolate yourself. Be a nag, be inquisitive -- do it lovingly, stay involved in their day-to-day life.
g) Be there for them. As clichéd as this sounds -- BE THERE! Refer to my post on "Let's Go for A Drive" When they open the door to communicating with you, nothing else should take priority! Listen, talk, verbalize, communicate and connect with them.
These are not guaranteed rules or techniques for helping to curtail bullies. They are however guides to establishing trust and understanding within your family dynamics that have worked for me and my two sons, that may prevent and help a situation that could have otherwise let to tragedy or destruction. As a parent who values and prides in a good relationship with her adolescent children, I cannot stress to you enough the importance of establishing trust, transparency and communication.
By Vaishali Sharda
Follow Vaishali on Twitter @v4vaishali
Talking Through Challenging Subjects With Kids]]>Where Are All the South Asian Mommy Bloggers?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.28611472013-03-13T14:48:23-04:002013-05-13T05:12:01-04:00masalamommashttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/masalamommas/
For many parents, the impulse to write about their parenting lives is a powerful one and some South Asian blogging moms we spoke to say having a blog gives them an outlet for support, inspiration and the hope to connect with others just like them.
Some might say, that prior to marriage we may not have necessarily been part of a "group" so to speak, but the minute we get married and have our first child, we immediately have something bigger in common. That is, a culture which is so intimately intertwined with the concept of family and the cultural expectations that go along with it.
"The most important thing I bring to light in my blogs and tweets is being a divorced single South Asian mom and domestic violence in the South Asian community," said one Hindu-Punjabi mom blogger known as V4Vaishali, which has a growing twitter and facebook following. "I started to blog about the power of positivity and how it initially helped me out of a dark period in my life. I found that to be very therapeutic and decided to write more about my personal experiences, thoughts and feelings more as an outlet for myself more than anything."
While many South Asian moms who blog feel the same, some say they don't feel connected to the mommy blogger community as a whole.
"I notice that I have a large South Asian female following, which is great," said Sheba Siddiqui, a mother of two and writes a personal blog. She gives readers a glimpse into her world as a mother, daughter, television producer and reporter.
"I feel that by reading my blog, they connect with me, understand my pressures and stresses and know what it's like to grow up as a first generation Indian-Canadian woman who is now handling the demands of being a wife and mother. On the other hand, I don't personally know any other South Asian mommy bloggers. I know they're out there but I haven't met any in my own community."
Some moms like Radika Kowtha says connecting to a community may not always be a priority.
"I have always considered myself to be a person, human being and a woman first. Mother, wife, student, daughter, friend were all roles one plays while being a person, human being or a woman or ma," said Kowtha who blogs are called Tunneling Thru, Click and Cesmots. I did not intially crave to meet other moms, I was quite content just writing about everything I chose than just focusing it on my kids and their activities. Mommy bloggers are a huge very connected networked community and Ive always been on the fringe,not necessarily by design but it's just the way I am. There are a few women bloggers I have struck a healthy wonderful relationship and only a couple of them are moms. It wasn't the criteria. So in that regard, yes and no, but that's just me."
Siddiqui adds many South Asian women, including moms, aren't necessarily encouraged to go public with their issues or concerns so blogging doesn't come easy.
"Based on my observations, there seems to be a stigma in the South Asian community about speaking your mind and letting the world into the ups and downs of your life. It's like we should all pretend to be the roti making, chai drinking versions of June Cleaver. So when I come across a South Asian mommy blogger who is telling it like it is in her world - the good, the bad and the ugly - I admire her for her courage."
Naya Weber, a mom living in Texas says she started blogging partially to provide that South Asian voice that was missing in the blogging community.
"I don't know of many South Asian mommy bloggers," said Weber, who writes about the importance of breastfeeding mixed with her passion for style on her blog, Lactivist in Louboutins. "The mommy bloggers I follow are Caucasian, African American, or a mix of different cultures. Part of why I started blogging was because many of the mommy bloggers I came across were stay-at-home moms. I knew when I got pregnant that that was not an option for me. I wanted to provide the point of view of a working mother and post about any South Asian related issues if and when they arose."
Siddiqui says it's these 'issues' that have a place in blogs written by moms in the community.
"I recently blogged about miscarriage and was surprised at the overwhelming amount of private messages, emails and anonymous comments that were posted on my blog from women who've endured such an experience. Now if we could only get to the point of bringing it out into the open and realize there is no shame in it. Even if no one responds to my blog postings, the fact that they are logging in or searching the Internet to read my blog makes me hope that it is having an impact."
"I think society wants to hear from us and is intrigued by us but we're too shy or feel like what we have say doesn't hold as much value," said Toronto-Area blogger Salima Jivraj, who writes a blog called halalfoodie.
Whether you're a mom in India, or a mom living in Canada, UK, US or elsewhere, being a parent can be an isolating experience at first and blogging can provide a sense of feeling connected to someone else going through a similar cultural or parenting challenge. Maybe there's someone who is two steps ahead of you in that same challenge and can give you another perspective.
By Anjum Choudhry Nayyar
Read more about South Asian moms who blog on masalamommas.com]]>How Cancer Happened to My Familytag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.28610612013-03-13T08:14:26-04:002013-05-13T05:12:01-04:00masalamommashttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/masalamommas/
Regardless, it was one of the most difficult journeys that we have endured as a family, and through an informal chat with my mother, I've gained some anecdotes to share you with about the difficulties that she faced during her diagnosis, how she overcame her fears, and what her advice to young mothers is about breast cancer.
Even though cancer is becoming more widespread among many families today, the fear and devastation that families feel when a loved one is inflicted with the disease has yet to recede. Cancer had always been something that "happened to other people" and "wouldn't be something that would affect us" for my immediate and extended family, until my mum was diagnosed with the disease.
My mum claims that to this day, she is still unable to explain the abject fear and hopelessness that she felt when she was first informed by the doctor. And that was just the first step; facing a nightmare.
I still remember the day my mum informed me of her diagnosis. I'd always communicated well with my parents, and all of us had known that this doctor's visit could be potentially life changing for all of us. I hadn't gotten the phone call from her as I'd expected, and I'd known that something was amiss.
She didn't waste any time in telling me the truth the moment she got home; there was no hesitation, but following that, there were plenty of tears from the both of us. It helped that I was also at an age where I was able to understand the gravity of the situation, where I was able to be a source of support to my mother as well. Nevertheless, my mum doesn't deny that it was difficult for her to tell me the truth right off the bat, but she also knew that she owed me that much.
Living the nightmare was the next challenge for all of us, but more so for her. Her operation to remove the cancerous tumor wasn't what she feared most; it was the weeks of intensive chemotherapy that followed afterwards.
"It had to be the most difficult experience I've ever had to endure. I was battling constant nausea; a metallic taste in my mouth made any food that I tasted horrible. I was constantly tired, and there were many times where I questioned my will to live." Her voice cracked then.
My mum fought hard during this period. She pitted her will against the disease by taking the plunge and shaving her head even before she started losing her hair. She didn't like the idea of wigs, so she turned to headscarves and caps. That was probably the proudest I've ever been of my mum; as women, we take so much of pride in our appearances, and work so hard at having "perfect hair days" and here was a woman who was willing to forego that in her battle against a disease that could possibly debilitate her irrevocably. When asked if she ever felt self conscious, she laughed. "Of course I did.
But it was something I had to do, and I wore it as a badge of honor for my cause."
My dad was my mum's biggest strength throughout this ordeal, and I figure I did the best that I could do make it a little better for her. What we learnt as a family was that nothing could quite compare to family support, especially during times of intense duress. The silver lining in this terribly dark cloud was that our family became stronger as a unit, and we realized the importance of tolerating differences that would have otherwise been problematic issues before.
My mother adds that this journey has taught her to be a stronger, more positive individual. Someone who is able to believe in herself, and the strength of her own mettle. It has made her more patient, and more tolerant of daily trivialities, and for this, she is very thankful. She's back to work now, and continues to be the pillar of the family.
When asked for what advice she has for younger mothers she says, "Please go for your regular mammogram checkups. Cancer is becoming so widespread now that it could affect anyone, anytime. Be conscientious with your checkups, and if (god forbid) anything were to happen, remember that it can be overcome. Have faith, and believe in yourself."
She adds, "Be honest with your family, because they deserve to know and you will need their help in fighting this battle. Telling your children about it may seem difficult, but if they are at an age where they can understand what this means for you, they deserve to know, and trust your children to step up and deal with this obstacle together with you. As mothers, we get very used to being protective of our children, and it is a humbling experience when we are mothered and cared for by our kids. If they are young, and they cannot understand what is happening to their mummy, use that as a reason to be even stronger, even more of a super mum. Work with your husband, lean on him when you can, and keep the family going as you always do."
To all young mothers out there, I hope this anecdotal piece gives you some inspiration on how cancer can be overcome if a family sticks together.
By Arathi Devandran, follow Arathi @miffalicious
Read more about Arathi and a youth perspective at masalamommas.com
]]>Learning to Cook Like My Mothertag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.28609382013-03-12T17:27:58-04:002013-05-12T05:12:01-04:00masalamommashttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/masalamommas/
This chaos however, wasn't always as comforting. Growing up my parents were always experimenting with food, farming and flavours, I reaped the benefits of homemade, wholesome dishes on a daily basis. I never truly appreciated the art of cooking until I got married. When my husband and I first got married I would rush home to cook dinner -- something fresh, something fabulous, something to "wow" the foodie husband of mine, and often found myself struggling. It would take me hours to cook a meal, I would run out of ideas or become frustrated with why my food was not tasting like my parents'. (I've come to terms with the latter and accepted that there is always the special ingredient of love in parental cooking that pushes it over the top.)
Another thing that frustrated me was recipes. Where were all of Dadima's/Nanima's passed down recipes?! I remember asking my dad for a kebab recipe one time and he told me that there are no recipes, it just comes to you. Well, it certainly wasn't "coming" to me any time soon. When my mother-in-law and I would have our weekly chats it always would start with what I cooked for dinner or what was for lunch. The pressure was on! Frustrated with my kitchen failures, I made a food diary. The first thing I did was make a list of all the spices and what their translated names were. I knew ajwain was ajwain, we never called it carom seeds. My mom and I made a routine to speak in the evening while cooking dinner together via telephone and I would ask her to guesstimate spice measurements for recipes.
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HD was also a great support in my culinary growth, he was patient, never rushed me, and insisted that I give myself a break and accept that some days are leftover days. Over the past two years I have learned so much and sometimes even impress myself. I remember when I made jalebis for the first time, yes, JALEBIS (something even my mom didn't make) I was over the moon! For some this might not seem like such an accomplishment, but for me it was the "ah ha! I *can* do this" moment. Last February I started a food blog, my culinary adventures, a place to grow and share. I'm often asked what I first cooked for my husband and as much as I would love to say that the first meal I cooked for him was Hydrabadi Dum Biryani, Butter Chicken, or Aloo ka Paratha, it was not.
The first meal I cooked for him was a simple staple that many South Asians grow up on: Toor ki Dal and Jeera Aloo (a stew of split yellow pigeon peas/lentils and cumin roasted potatoes). In our house we always have some type of dal (lentil stew) with dinner. When I had first asked HD which dals he preferred his answer was "yellow... oh and black." That didn't really help much as there are at least three or four different types of "yellow" dal. I decided to make my favourite yellow dal, Toor ki dal.
The Jeera Aloo was the perfect accompaniment, his love for potatoes and my love for something quick and simple. A meal that now takes me no more than 45 minutes to prepare took me over two hours that day. The result, well the plates were clean so they spoke for themselves. This has now become one of our favourite quick go meals. (See recipe below.) I would be grateful to someday influence my children the way my mom has done for me. Growing up, she seemed to do it with such ease & finesse, juggling household chores, chauffeuring us between activities, all while filling our tummies with nutritious and tasty meals. She has inspired me to get comfortable in the kitchen and feel confident in becoming a working mother. Once I become a mother I hope to find a balance in our lives so that I too can involve my children in the kitchen with me, have them experiment with flavours, and enjoy family moments while cooking.
Here are some of my recipes for "go to" meals:
Toor ki Dal
Ingredients:
1 cup of Toor Dal Lentils (Split yellow pigeon peas/lentils) 1 tomato (chopped)
1 teaspoon of Jaggery (crushed) or brown sugar
5-6 curry leaves 1 teaspoon red chili powder 1/2 teaspoon turmeric powder
1/4 teaspoon raw mango powder 1 teaspoon cumin seeds
1/2 teaspoon mustard seeds
1 small green chili
4 cups water
1 tablespoon ghee vegetable oil
Method: Wash lentils with water. Pressure cook lentils with ginger in a pressure cooker with four cups of water until cooked and soft (approximately 2 whistles). In a separate pan heat oil on medium heat. Once hot add green chili, mustard seeds, curry leaves, and cumin seeds. When the mustard and cumin seeds start sputtering add chopped tomato and jaggery (or brown sugar). As the water begins to release from the tomatoes add red chili powder, coriander powder, salt, raw mango powder, and turmeric powder and mix well. Once mixture becomes paste like, add to the soft lentils and bring the stew to a boil for 2-3 minutes. Simmer on low heat for 10-15 minutes. Garnish generously with chopped coriander/cilantro leaves.
Jeera Aloo
Ingredients:
3-4 medium potatoes (thinly sliced)
2 teaspoon cumin seeds 1 teaspoon red chili powder
Method: In a wok or deep pan heat oil on medium-low heat. Add cumin seeds. Once the seeds start to sputter add the potatoes and cover for 15-18 minutes, mixing every 5 minutes. Once potatoes begin to soften add the turmeric, coriander powder, red chili powder, cumin powder, and salt. Fry for 10-15 minutes until potatoes are cooked. Garnish with chopped coriander/cilantro leaves.
Read more about recipes and South Asian food on Masalamommas.com]]>How I'm Raising My Sons to Be Good Mentag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.28299902013-03-08T15:54:42-05:002013-05-08T05:12:01-04:00masalamommashttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/masalamommas/Raising Sons
I am the mother of two boys. I love them more than life itself, as all of you mothers out there can relate. My gentle and quiet three-year-old is a contrast to his outgoing and boisterous almost two-year-old brother. I often wonder what they'll be like as adults, what kind of husbands they will be and what type of moral compasses they will have. As I sit with girlfriends and they tell me about the trials and tribulations of their marriages, I hope that my sons will know how to handle difficult situations, particularly within their own marriages.
I come from a culture that is primarily male-dominated. The boys can do whatever they want and the girls must learn to become domestic goddesses and "yes" women. Because really, who's going to marry you if you don't know how to make a good curry and maintain a clean home? And God forbid you wait to get married because those eggs of yours will begin rotting away. We are taught that our worth is determined by the amount of recipes we know, how fertile our eggs are and sure, a degree here and there makes you more sell-able -- all to find a good husband of course.
So this is where my parenting methods come into play. My fear is to raise boys who go through life having a sense of entitlement. Who go from living in their mother's home to marrying someone who takes over the mothering role. I want them to be independent beings long before they get married. I don't want them to live with me after marriage. In fact, I look forward to moving into my South Asian nursing home one day where we can all share the commonalities of daal, drooling, diaper changes and fighting over the new young male intern.
It is a must for me to raise boys who know how to cook, clean, do laundry and maybe even make fantastic roti. I obviously want them to go to school and become great at whatever profession they choose to be in but I don't think the buck should stop with providing a great income and letting the rest fall to the wayside.
I want them to use words to describe their feelings, not fists.
I want them to be rough and tough and yet gentle and loving.
I want them to learn that those who cry are the strongest ones of all.
I want them to firmly believe in their heart of hearts that women are meant to be cherished and respected.
I want them to know that as long as they live and as old as they get, I will continue to kiss and hug them, no matter who is around. But I'm also aware that I will have to take a step back when it is time for them to get married.
I do not want to compete with another woman for my sons' attention. They are my sons and that will never change.
I am their mother. It is MY responsibility to make sure they have respect for women and don't just see them as food providing, housekeeping, baby makers. It helps that they have a great role model in their father. Who, while running his own company, has probably changed more diapers than I have, has taught himself to cook online (albeit I still interfere and anxiously think he's doing it all wrong) and most recently built his boys a kitchen out of boxes in our basement so they too can cook alongside us.
If there's one thing I'd like to be known for above anything else, it's being a great mother who raises boys that come into a marriage ready to take on responsibility, both inside and outside the home. I don't want to raise either of my boys to be someone's problem one day. I may not have full control over that but I do know that I can try my best with what I can control and it all begins inside the home, with the primary female role model leading the way. I just need to figure out how to find that balance of spoiling them with love while teaching them that appreciation and respect for all others, male or female, is the highest form of self-respect.
By Sheba Siddiqui
HOW DO YOU TEACH YOUR SONS ABOUT RESPECTING OTHERS INCLUDING WOMEN?
]]>The Importance of Women Misbehavingtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.28298832013-03-08T08:33:24-05:002013-05-08T05:12:01-04:00masalamommashttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/masalamommas/Delhi gang rape in December 2012? Since I run a campaign on female genocide in India, this is one question I've been repeatedly asked.
I'm not sure why this puzzles people. India is the fourth most dangerous country for women, following Afghanistan, Congo and Pakistan. In 20 years, 20 per cent of women will have been systematically exterminated from India, subject to every form of gender-based violence.
How much more were Indian women expected to bear before they rose in revolt?
Perhaps what we really need to understand is that women's revolutions happen for the same reasons everywhere. The impulse is the same.
What that impulse is, is nicely put in this quote from The Journey from the Land of No. In this book Roya Hakakian talks about growing up in Iran during the Revolution. She explains that as teenage schoolgirls even though they couldn't comprehend the political context of the revolution, something about the spirit of a revolution resonated deeply even within their young minds. While Khomeini had promised his supporters freedom from a monarchy's dictatorship, when in power he imposed the same under the guise of religion. There was a systematic move to impose the veil and an Islamic code of behaviour on all women including schoolgirls.
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So Roya and her classmates spent many afternoons being lectured sternly on what constituted "evil" and "virtuous" behaviour for girls. Those who resisted were labelled sinful and shamed and humiliated.
Then Roya recounts one afternoon in school when the girls refused to yield. They stormed out of their classes, marched through the schoolyard, broke windowpanes, grabbed brooms like flags, and shouted protest slogans as they marched along. What instigated this sudden uprising?
This is what Roya writes:
"All our lives we had been taught the virtues of behaving, and now we were discovering the importance of misbehaving. Too much fear had tainted our days. Too many afternoon's had passed in silence, with us listening to a fanatic's [the headmistress's] diatribes. We were rebelling because we were not evil, we had not sinned...we were rebelling for all those who had come before us and had never dared to...No one led anyone. No one followed anyone...Together as girls we found the courage we had been told was not in us. This was 1979, the year that showed us we could make our own destinies. For one spring afternoon...we too became the true daughters of the revolution. We too trounced tyranny, [and] tasted the sweetness of liberty, of victory..." [pp.168-9]
However, as I read this quote, there is one line that I pick out as most significant. I see it as a coded message for women everywhere. It's the secret of a revolution! And that's the first line: All our lives we had been taught the virtues of behaving, and now we were discovering the importance of misbehaving.
A social code of behaviour is used as a weapon by almost all cultures to violate, control and beat girls and women into submission. Women are told if you don't want to get beaten, raped and killed, then this is how you will have to behave. Men have no equivalent code of behaviour on which their life and safety is dependent. Men are never told if you don't behave this way you will be beaten, raped and killed. So women learn to BEHAVE! That is, they assume the code of behaviour more out of fear than anything else -- fear of safety, fear of rejection, fear of life. And yet, even when they don't MISBEHAVE, they don't violate that code of behaviour, they still get beaten, raped and killed!
In 1996 a 16-year-old schoolgirl in the town of Suryanelli in India, was kidnapped by the man she was in love with, and sold into sex-trafficking. Over 40 days she was gagged, bound, and beaten, and moved place to place, and during that period 42 men raped her. Today 16 years on, as she still fights for justice, she was recently written off by a High Court judge in India as a child 'prostitute.' Why? Because her first violation of behaviour was that she had fallen in love, which is not permitted to girls in India!
But more importantly, despite persistent harassment from various quarters, through the years, she has continued to maintain that a high profile politician, J. S. Kurien was one of her rapists, a man she recognized and identified from a photograph. She has violated the code that says you cannot point a finger at men of power. To put her in place, indeed all other women who might follow suit, 35 of the men who had been convicted of her rape by a lower court, were freed by a higher court. And for added measure, Kurien, despite women's angry protests, is to chair the 2013 Parliamentary discussion on India's new rape law -- a law made in response to the Delhi gang rape protests! [Click here to sign a protest petition.]
In 2012 a woman who was gang-raped at gun point on Kolkata's Park Street, was labelled a liar and a slut by various government officials, including the Chief Minister. The police further made every attempt to derail the investigation. The victim is a divorced woman, and a mother of two small children, and she had violated the 'code of behaviour' that says 'good' women don't divorce, and 'good' mothers don't go to parties and pubs at night! The police officer who attempted to help the victim, and pushed to arrest the rapists, was removed from the case and given a punishment posting.
However, unlike the Suryanelli and the Park Street victims, the Delhi gang rape victim was not violating any major social codes of behaviour. She was doing what many women would do on a Sunday afternoon. Go to a shopping mall, see a late afternoon film and catch a bus home soon after. But she was still beaten, raped and killed!
And so in December 2012 when the women of India marched out onto the streets in angry protests, they like Roya and her friends were saying: "All our lives we have been taught the virtues of behaving, and now we are discovering the importance of misbehaving. Too much fear had tainted our days...We are rebelling because we have not sinned...We are rebelling for all those who came before us and had never dared to... For one winter's week in December 2012...we too will trounce tyranny, [and] taste the sweetness of liberty..."
To all the women reading this: Today, take one little code of behaviour that confines you as a woman, tells you how to be at home or outside, forces you to live with shame and/or fear -- and break it! If you break one code today, tomorrow collectively we'll have the courage to break our social prison! So let's get started! Let us resolve to MISBEHAVE!!
By Rita Banerji @rita_banerj
Read more from Author, Activist Rita Banerji on Masalamommas:
]]>Having A Relationship With In-Laws After Divorcetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.27380992013-02-26T17:43:34-05:002013-04-28T05:12:01-04:00masalamommashttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/masalamommas/
This topic of in-laws and managing relationships can be so wrought with angst and lately I've been bombarded by stories from fellow moms. It has compelled me to write something. Nadia Shah (MSW), is currently married and lives with her mother-in-law and brother-in-law. "We take care of them financially. It's a complete role reversal," says Shah. She is also licensed as a clinical social worker (LCSW) and works full time as a clinical social worker for an Orange County mental health clinic. She has a great site on the subject called, www.southasianinlaws.com. She talks to us about how a separation can affect your relationship with your in-laws and how we as moms can manage that.
After a divorce/separation, how can your relationship change with your in-laws; What challenges might a mother face?
Naturally the relationship with in-laws will change once you're divorced. A recently divorced mother will need to be prepared for a number of challenges. The main one will be trying to maintain a pleasant family environment for the child/children. There is a possibility that her in-laws or her ex will be saying negative things about her to the children and there is a possibility she may be expressing negative thoughts also. In addition to that, any divorcee needs to be aware that mixed feelings may arise when interacting with her ex or her in-laws. It's natural to feel a variety of emotions when dropping the kids off at her ex's or bumping into him somewhere else. Another challenge will be adjusting to a different family structure. Maybe the mother had support from her in-laws or was friends with her sister-in-law and hopefully she can continue some level of closeness with them but she should be prepared for change all around.
California mom, Vaishali also known as @ChaiChatter on twitter, recently talked about her experiences here. She says, "The biggest challenge I've come across I separating myself from being their Bahoo to now being their grandkids' mom. Although they've made a valiant effort to maintain a relationship with me, I'm the one that has separated the old from new hurt feelings have come about -- but felt I needed to do that to disassociate myself from the past as much as I can given the circumstances in which I was divorced."
If the relationship was a good one (with in-laws that is) how can that be maintained once a separation has occurred?
As we all know, we can only control our own actions therefore if you want to maintain the relationship, you have to be the one to put in extra effort. This means openly saying to your in-laws something along the lines of, "We have been family for (X number of years) and I would like to continue our relationship. I understand that there will be a lot of changes for all of us. What can I do to keep you a part of my life?" Don't expect your in-laws to come to you and and put in the extra effort. They may be coming from a culture that practices indirect communication or be hesitant to approach you because they may think you want to disconnect. Make it clear what you want. Also to avoid resentment, I highly recommend not talking bad about your ex to your in-laws. Even if the whole divorce was your ex's fault, you shouldn't complain to your in-laws if you want to maintain a healthy relationship with them. They may already realize your ex (their family member) did something horrible, but no one wants to hear anything negative about their family members even if their family member is at fault.
If the relationship was a negative one prior to the breakup, should you try and continue to maintain a relationship with in-laws and how can this be done in spite of a breakup?
Unfortunately, many in-law relationships are unhealthy and negative, especially within our culture. In this situation, you still have the responsibility of maintaining at least a decent relationship with your in-laws for the benefit of your children. There is no such thing as "too much love" for kids so try to keep your in-laws involved in your kids' lives. That might mean, calling them to invite them to birthday parties or sending your kids over to their house for holidays. You should avoid saying anything negative about your in-laws and your ex to your kids. I would hope your in-laws and ex would also avoid saying negative things about you but there is that possibility that they won't hold their tongue. Maybe you should consider talking to your in-laws and making it clear that you plan on maintaining a relationship with them for your kids' sake.
Also, gently request that all parties involved not say negative things about each other in the presence of kids and that you would like to maintain open communication. If this is too uncomfortable for you, consider having a third party or therapist involved as a mediator to negotiate the relationship. Everyone has a responsibility toward the children involved.
How have you managed your relationship with in-laws after divorce? We want to hear your thoughts!
]]>How I Packed My Kid a Desi Lunchboxtag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.27382152013-02-22T16:53:03-05:002013-04-24T05:12:01-04:00masalamommashttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/masalamommas/
Today, as a parent myself, I worry daily about what to feed my six-year-old son for lunch. The worst feeling is when your child brings home a half-eaten lunch and you know they went hungry for the rest of the day. My issue has always been lack of time and ideas.
Just before my son started attending school full time, I asked other parents what they packed their children. One of the first responses I received was from a co-worker -- and her answer was sushi. I was surprised, but it made sense. Sushi is a great lunch; easy to pack, easy to serve and keeps well for a few hours in an insulated sack.
This got me thinking: Could I get away with packing desi food in my kids' lunchbox? Ethnic food opens some doors and keeps it interesting. Plus encouraging culture through food is a good idea to help encourage your roots or expand horizons through new foods from new cultures.
I knew I would have to think outside of the box because my six-year-old wouldn't want to eat straight leftovers. I would have to make it interesting. Looking at what made sushi a hit with my co-worker's children, I came up with some guidelines for our lunchbox:
Bite-sized, little is good
I'm not one to cut shapes and create works of art with my kids' lunch, but a simple cookie cutter or just basic shapes cut with a knife can do wonders.
Colourful
Just as primary colours attract the little ones when it comes to their toys, food is no exception. Food that looks drab and plain will be boring. Add in those colours and their eyes will brighten when they crack open that lunch box lid. Plus, eating colours is good way to get those nutrients in.
Eat with your hands
Some parents might cringe, but in South Asian households, eating with your hands at every meal is the norm. With proper hygiene and hand washing before and after, there is nothing wrong with getting your hands involved - and kids love it!
Construct & build
Blocks and Lego are classic childhood toys, so using that same idea with food works well too. Every time my son helps me cook, he devours what he makes because he was involved. Constructing his meals, or part of it at lunch will help him feel involved in the process.
Aside from guidelines, it's equally important to have the right tools and common ingredients.
Here's what I found most helpful:
Containers
I bought a great set of reusable containers in order to cut down waste with plastic bags, etc. The containers I recommend are the ones with the snap lids because kids can close them easily and that will prevent leaks from any unfinished foods. Also make sure they can nest, that way you can put smaller containers inside larger ones and still be able to close the lids; saving you space. I also purchased a small colourful thermos to pack a hot lunch at least once a week. The lid has a separate compartment that stores a foldable spoon, which I thought was smart.
Variety of breads
Instead of a loaf of bread for sandwiches every day, I buy at least 3 different varieties each week to keep things interesting. This week I bought whole-wheat naan, whole-wheat bagels and mini croissants.
Quick fruits and vegetables
Just like breads, I try to change the variety each week. Aim for something you can throw into a lunchbox raw and requires little prep. This week I went for baby carrots, mini cucumbers, grapes, raspberries, baby spinach and baby romaine. Best advice I've received when shopping for fruits and vegetables: don't plan your meal and shop for your produce before getting to the store, go to the grocery store and see which produce looks the best and plan based on only the best available.
With the right tools at hand to make lunch prep quick and relatively easy, I am now ready to create a multitude of meals using the previous night's dinner as a key ingredient.
Here are a few of my most popular options:
Hummus, naan & baby carrot
Hummus is a favourite in my home; we have it readily available all the time. Rounding it out with some vegetables makes it great for the lunch box. I cut one whole-wheat pita into triangles and put a quarter cup of hummus in a separate container. I laid the pita triangles on a bed of baby spinach and romaine. In another container I had some baby carrots and raspberries.
Croissant & cheese with fresh spinach and grapes
This is an easy and loved lunch because it's creamy, filling and fun to eat. The croissant is small and shaped already so all I need to do was slice and fill with a spread of butter, slice of fresh cheese and layer of baby spinach and romaine. Not really an ethnic lunch, but one of my son's favourites! He loves how "fancy" they look with the grape toppers secured with a toothpick. I got him to help assemble the sandwiches the night before. Add in a side of crispy cucumbers and chickpeas for added nutrients.
Tandoori chicken on a whole-wheat bagel
I make roasted chicken at least once a week for dinner. The marinade changes weekly from Jamaican Jerk to Portuguese peri-peri to South Asian Tandoori. This week I made a tandoori chicken and the leftovers were shredded for lunch the next day. The chicken itself was very tasty so just a spread of butter on both sides of a whole-wheat bagel was all that was needed. After topping one side with the shredded chicken I seasoned with a little salt and pepper and then added layer of baby spinach and baby romaine. As a side, sliced cucumber and gala apple.
By Salima Jivraj
For more great ideas from Salima at Masalamommas.com click here]]>Incorporating Cultural Style into Your Wardrobetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.27379312013-02-22T11:50:21-05:002013-04-24T05:12:01-04:00masalamommashttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/masalamommas/
However, lately I've felt a renewed interest in my culture; the clothing, and the idea of having a signature look that also represents my heritage (maybe it has to do with this gig at Masalamommas!) So I did what I always do in this kind of situation -- window shopping! -- I mean, er, research:
Here is what I came up with for ideas on infusing Indian touches into your everyday looks:
1. Think Fusion Not National Costume
Fusion means blending together two distinct styles. For the merge to be successful, no one style or influence should overshadow the other. Think pb&j -- they complement each other perfectly without either one trying to steal the show. The key to successful fusion dressing is to fit the Indian piece into your outfit effortlessly, not in a way that screams "I'm trying to do fusion."
2. Prints and Motifs
Nothing says Indian like a paisley or patola (double ikat) print, but you don't have to drown yourself in the print to make your point. Try a paisley print sheath dress or an embroidered patola bag and let the print shine. Other motifs that work well for fusion looks are; bhandini, ikat, and chanderi.
3. Colour
When I think of Indian textiles and fashion the colours that come to mind are fuchsia, orange, and bright pink -- basically a rangoli of colours, yet I'm not fully convinced that head to toe colour blocking says Indo-fusion. Try using your bright and bold colours like a sari border, for an added detail or interest item. Think bright pink blazer, embroidered fuchsia handbag, or orange and emerald stone earrings.
4. Embellish Away
The beauty of Indian embellishment isn't just in the handwork but also the history. All the way from the zardosi work of the Mughal period to the wedding phulkari's of pre-independence India, every embellishment has a volume of stories to tell. With so many amazing embroidered and embellished pieces available at mainstream retailers today this is one of the easiest ideas to incorporate into your current wardrobe. My only caveat for embellishments is, stick to one piece. Don't over-crowd your look with too much bling.
5. Jewellery
No one rocks an arm party like a "gown ki gori" in India -- it's a fact, and bangles or bracelets are the safest (and easiest) way to incorporate a little desi into your looks. You can also wear a kundan earrings and statement necklaces quite seamlessly with your western looks. If you want to bring something more daring like a maang tika or baaju band into the mix, I would save it for evening looks, and stick to one piece of statement jewellery.
6. Iconic Pieces
Most people would think of the sari as the most iconic piece of Indian clothing (and rightfully so), but there are a few other statement outfits styles worth trying out. The first is the Nehru jacket or vest. Popularized by Pandit Jawaharlal Nehru, this tailored coat with a mandarin collar looks good on both men and women.
Another piece worth incorporating into your fusion wardrobe is the ghagra or lehnga. This classic piece is also seasonal -- wear a cotton ghagra with a tank top for summer, or take it to an evening look by pairing an embellished one with a tailored blazer. The final iconic piece for Indo-Fusion looks is the turban. I would tread carefully with this one -- although some very bold women can pull this look off well, there is always a chance that you might look too costumey!
By Raj Thandi
Interested in Indo-Fusion fashion? See Raj's story on Lakme India Fashion Week and her exclusive interview with designer Payal Singhal. Follow her at @pinkchai.]]>