Petra Zebroff2013-05-24T21:26:33-04:00Petra Zebroffhttp://www.huffingtonpost.ca/author/index.php?author=petra-zebroffCopyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc.HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Petra ZebroffGood old fashioned elbow grease.Fantasizing About Being Dominated By a Lover? You're Not Alonetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.30484752013-04-22T08:13:26-04:002013-04-22T08:23:03-04:00Petra Zebroffhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/petra-zebroff/
These are the words that men and women repeated again and again in a recent survey of sexual arousal. In fact when over 15,000 people described what most aroused them, no single fantasy was described more than "being pushed against a wall." The language was stunningly similar in all of these fantasies. (Unpublished Zebroff, 2013).
While people used slightly different words to describe the "wall" or the "pushing," the overwhelming theme that got their erotic juices flowing was...power!
Playing with power conjures up the image of leather-clad bodies in handcuffs and collars -- visuals seen mostly on Law and Order SVU. But that is only one side of power play.
Instead, sexual power play is often enjoyed as a subtle psychological game used to increase erotic tension through acting dominant or submissive. Remember when Robert Redford told Meryl Streep "Don't move" ... "But I want to move" ... "Don't. Move." in Out of Africa? Erotic tension shot from the screen, pumping all of us full of erotic fire.
So why is power so popular in getting our erotic juices flowing?
One reason is that it allows lovers to try roles they are not necessarily accustomed to outside of the bedroom. It is not uncommon, for example, for high-powered men and women to control every aspect of their work life, but get a boost of arousal when their lover ties them to a bedpost.
On the flip side, laid back folks who don't feel the need for power in their home/work lives can burst with erotic energy at the thought of taking control.
The newness of the role is one reason for the injection of passion. But both sub and dom roles have their own benefits.
What is the draw in being wall-pushed (submissive)?
One woman who preferred the submissive role explains, "It is like a vacation. I don't have to manage anything; I don't have to be in charge."
I don't know what is going to happen next.
I don't have to take responsibility for this erotic pleasure.
I get to feel my partner "want me."
I get a respite from always being in control.
What is the draw to doing the wall pushing (Dominant)?
A woman who is drawn to the dominant role explains, "When I take the reigns, I feel like
I connect with my partner more than at any other time. I 'get' him and he responds to
my demands. I feel powerful and sexy."
I get to direct the action .
I get to choose the action.
I have the power to please my partner.
I can connect with my partner on an emotional level.
Can't decide?
While most people have a preference for either the Top (dominant) or Bottom (submissive) role, some "Switch" from role to role. A particular disposition does not always remain static either. Generally, which one you find more arousing is dependent on personality, and can change with experience or partner.
So, how can you increase erotic tension through safe power-play?
Step 1: Get a sense of what role titillates you most.
Refer to your own fantasies. Are you the pusher or the pushee? If you are unsure, take the Sudo Scale Test to help to get started.
Check in with your partner to find out where they fall on the scale. There is nothing less arousing than having two people waiting to be pushed against a wall with no one to do the pushing.
Step 2: Negotiate your scene Power-play fans know that talking about what they want before the act inspires new ideas and helps both of them get exactly what they want out of the experience. Insufficient negotiation can cause role confusion, leading to disappointment and lack of action.
Know what you won't (and will) do.
Unsure where to start? Use a contract in which you specify what you are willing to do and not do, for how long and with what toy. It also helps you to understand better your partner's pleasures and boundaries.
.
Establish safe words. And use them.
Playing with power can bring up issues, which can make the scene more exciting...or not. Before you start, agree to words or signals that tell your partner to stop/slow down/or
speed up. The "traffic lights" system is a popular one. Red=stop, yellow=slow down or
caution, green=speed up or continue/all's good.
Step 3: Explore. Push your limits.
Experiment with different roles. Use this time to try on different sexual personas in a safe space. Researcher and therapist Peggy Kleinplatz has found that couples who have great sex often use power-play to push their limits and increase erotic intensity. (Kleinplatz, 2006)
Step 4: Use props that help you get into character.
Choose props that inspire your role. Floggers and handcuffs are great for some, but another popular starting point is vibrating panties, which give one person control over the other person's erotic experience. Whoever controls the remote can drive their lover's sensation from 20 feet away. Try a variety of toys to learn to expand your experiences.
Step 5: Have a plan for when things go wrong.
Plan for what you'll do if and when sensitive issues arise.
Enjoy and have fun experimenting with different roles. Remember it is just play -- play for consenting adults!
Take the test to see where you rank]]>Ce que l'alcool inflige à votre vie sexuelletag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.24329472013-01-09T00:00:57-05:002013-03-10T05:12:01-04:00Petra Zebroffhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/petra-zebroff/Ce billet a été initialement publié sur The HuffPost Women.
Un cocktail ou un verre de vin peuvent certes nous aider à nous relaxer, voire à nous sentir un peu plus sexy, mais améliorent-ils nos ébats?
Probablement pas.
Comment l'alcool impacte-t-il notre vie sexuelle?
Intéressons-nous d'abord à l'effet de l'alcool sur les organes génitaux.
1. Le système nerveux central est ralenti. L'alcool inhibe certaines parties du système nerveux central, système qui joue un rôle capital dans l'excitation et l'orgasme via la respiration, la circulation sanguine et la sensibilité des terminaisons nerveuses.
2. Le corps est déshydraté. L'excitation nécessite l'afflux d'un certain volume de sang qui amène l'oxygène et rend les organes génitaux beaucoup plus sensibles. C'est le processus que l'on associe à l'érection. Avec moins de liquide dans le corps et un système nerveux ralenti, les performances sexuelles deviennent alors un vrai challenge pour le corps.
Mais l'alcool n'a pas que des effets négatifs sur le sexe.
L'alcool est-il un aphrodisiaque?
L'alcool a en effet cette réputation. Mais l'est-ce réellement? Ma grand-mère avait raison: la réponse réside dans la modération.
Un, voire deux verres (tout dépend de votre poids, sexe et d'autres facteurs physiologiques) peuvent en effet agir comme excitant social. Des études ont montré que l'alcool peut permettre à certaines personnes de surpasser leurs inhibitions sexuelles ainsi que des sentiments tels que la timidité.
Mais ajoutez quelques verres à tout ceci, et une action déprimante commence à inhiber la capacité de votre corps à répondre sexuellement à toute excitation.
3. Les érections se font plus rares. La consommation d'une large quantité d'alcool (ou une consommation sur le long terme) a été associée à des problèmes d'érection. La déshydratation associée à l'absorption d'alcool cause une diminution du volume de sang et une augmentation du taux d'anfiotensine, l'hormone associée aux dysfonctionnements érectiles. L'inhibition du système nerveux central augmente cette possibilité.
4. Les éjaculations sont retardées. En 2004, une étude a prouvé que 11% des consommateurs d'alcool souffraient de difficultés à atteindre l'orgasme. Les hommes ont ainsi des difficultés à éjaculer tandis que les femmes ont besoin de plus de stimulation afin d'atteindre l'orgasme que si elles avaient bu moins ou pas du tout.
Est-il vraiment contre indiqué de boire avant l'amour?
6. L'alcool comme traitement de l'éjaculation précoce. Certains chercheurs recommandent l'alcool afin de retarder l'éjaculation masculine. Mais si l'alcool peut être une solution temporaire et ponctuelle, il existe des traitements plus efficaces et permanents pour les problèmes d'éjaculation précoce.
7. L'alcool accroisse le plaisir féminin subjectif. Alors que les femmes "pompettes" ont plus de difficultés à atteindre l'orgasme physique, certaines femmes rapportent ressentir plus de plaisir subjectif. Ceci peut être facilement expliqué par l'aisance sociale qu'elles gagnent avec leur premier verre.
Alors, faut-il arrêter de boire pour s'assurer d'agréables ébats?
Des études suggèrent qu'un à deux verres par jour sur le long terme peuvent être bénéfiques pour la santé, et donc pour le sexe. Mais si vous voulez passer une nuit de folie ce soir ainsi que lors de toutes vos soirées à venir, arrêtez vous lorsque la tête commence à vous tourner: vous pouvez alors encore bénéficier des bienfaits psychologiques sans vous infliger les conséquences physiologiques.
A la place de ce verre de vin supplémentaire, prenez donc un verre d'eau, qui vous aidera à combattre les effets de la déshydratation et à vous concentrer sur vos capacités de séduction. Vous et votre partenaire ne vous en apprécierez que plus!]]>Ce que l'alcool inflige à votre vie sexuelletag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.24391402013-01-09T00:00:57-05:002013-03-10T05:12:01-04:00Petra Zebroffhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/petra-zebroff/Ce billet a été initialement publié sur The HuffPost Women.
Un cocktail ou un verre de vin peuvent certes nous aider à nous relaxer, voire à nous sentir un peu plus sexy, mais améliorent-ils nos ébats?
Probablement pas.
Comment l'alcool impacte-t-il notre vie sexuelle?
Intéressons-nous d'abord à l'effet de l'alcool sur les organes génitaux.
1. Le système nerveux central est ralenti. L'alcool inhibe certaines parties du système nerveux central, système qui joue un rôle capital dans l'excitation et l'orgasme via la respiration, la circulation sanguine et la sensibilité des terminaisons nerveuses.
2. Le corps est déshydraté. L'excitation nécessite l'afflux d'un certain volume de sang qui amène l'oxygène et rend les organes génitaux beaucoup plus sensibles. C'est le processus que l'on associe à l'érection. Avec moins de liquide dans le corps et un système nerveux ralenti, les performances sexuelles deviennent alors un vrai challenge pour le corps.
Mais l'alcool n'a pas que des effets négatifs sur le sexe.
L'alcool est-il un aphrodisiaque?
L'alcool a en effet cette réputation. Mais l'est-ce réellement? Ma grand-mère avait raison: la réponse réside dans la modération.
Un, voire deux verres (tout dépend de votre poids, sexe et d'autres facteurs physiologiques) peuvent en effet agir comme excitant social. Des études ont montré que l'alcool peut permettre à certaines personnes de surpasser leurs inhibitions sexuelles ainsi que des sentiments tels que la timidité.
Mais ajoutez quelques verres à tout ceci, et une action déprimante commence à inhiber la capacité de votre corps à répondre sexuellement à toute excitation.
3. Les érections se font plus rares. La consommation d'une large quantité d'alcool (ou une consommation sur le long terme) a été associée à des problèmes d'érection. La déshydratation associée à l'absorption d'alcool cause une diminution du volume de sang et une augmentation du taux d'anfiotensine, l'hormone associée aux dysfonctionnements érectiles. L'inhibition du système nerveux central augmente cette possibilité.
4. Les éjaculations sont retardées. En 2004, une étude a prouvé que 11% des consommateurs d'alcool souffraient de difficultés à atteindre l'orgasme. Les hommes ont ainsi des difficultés à éjaculer tandis que les femmes ont besoin de plus de stimulation afin d'atteindre l'orgasme que si elles avaient bu moins ou pas du tout.
Est-il vraiment contre indiqué de boire avant l'amour?
6. L'alcool comme traitement de l'éjaculation précoce. Certains chercheurs recommandent l'alcool afin de retarder l'éjaculation masculine. Mais si l'alcool peut être une solution temporaire et ponctuelle, il existe des traitements plus efficaces et permanents pour les problèmes d'éjaculation précoce.
7. L'alcool accroisse le plaisir féminin subjectif. Alors que les femmes "pompettes" ont plus de difficultés à atteindre l'orgasme physique, certaines femmes rapportent ressentir plus de plaisir subjectif. Ceci peut être facilement expliqué par l'aisance sociale qu'elles gagnent avec leur premier verre.
Alors, faut-il arrêter de boire pour s'assurer d'agréables ébats?
Des études suggèrent qu'un à deux verres par jour sur le long terme peuvent être bénéfiques pour la santé, et donc pour le sexe. Mais si vous voulez passer une nuit de folie ce soir ainsi que lors de toutes vos soirées à venir, arrêtez vous lorsque la tête commence à vous tourner: vous pouvez alors encore bénéficier des bienfaits psychologiques sans vous infliger les conséquences physiologiques.
A la place de ce verre de vin supplémentaire, prenez donc un verre d'eau, qui vous aidera à combattre les effets de la déshydratation et à vous concentrer sur vos capacités de séduction. Vous et votre partenaire ne vous en apprécierez que plus!]]>What Alcohol Really Does to Your Sex Lifetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.23898562013-01-07T08:09:56-05:002013-03-09T05:12:01-05:00Petra Zebroffhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/petra-zebroff/
A cocktail or glass of wine can help us to relax and even feel a little sexier. But does it actually result in better sex?
Probably not.
What does alcohol really do to our sex life?
Let's first look at what happens to the sex parts of our body when alcohol comes into the picture:
1. Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. Alcohol acts by inhibiting parts of the central nervous system important for sexual arousal and orgasm -- respiration, circulation and sensitivity of nerve endings.
2. Alcohol dehydrates the body. Sexual arousal needs a certain volume of blood to bring oxygen and greater sensation to the genitals. This process is associated with erection (in men) and lubrication (in women).
With less volume of liquid in the body and with a depressed nervous system, the body struggles with sexual performance. But not everything that alcohol does has a negative effect on sex.
Alcohol = Aphrodisiac?
Alcohol has the reputation of being an aphrodisiac. But is it really? Grandma was right -- the answer lies in moderation.
One, maybe two drinks (depending on your weight, gender and other factors) can act as a social lubricant. Studies have shown that alcohol can enable some people to overcome sexual inhibitions or feelings of inadequacy.
But add a few more drinks and that depressant action starts to inhibit our body's ability to respond sexually:
3. Fewer Erections
Large amounts of alcohol (or long-term) consumption has been associated with problems getting erections. Dehydration with drinking causes less blood volume and a rise in angiotensin, the hormone associated with erectile dysfunction. The inhibition of the central nervous system chimes in to increase this likelihood.
4. Delayed Ejaculation
In 2004, a study found 11% of alcohol users were likely to have problems reaching orgasm. The men had difficulty ejaculating while the women needed much more stimulation to have an orgasm than women who had little or nothing to drink.
5. Vaginal Dryness
While alcohol may lubricate a social interaction, it does nothing to lubricate a woman's vagina. In fact, the dehydration common when drinking alcohol can contribute to fatigue, headaches and vaginal dryness (which can cause pain).
But is the news all bad?
6. Treatment for PE?
Some researchers recommend alcohol as a treatment to control ejaculatory timing. While alcohol may be a temporary solution, there are more effective and permanent treatments for PE (see PE help).
7. Increased subjective pleasure in women.
While tipsy women have more difficulty reaching orgasm physically, some women report feeling more pleasure subjectively. This can likely be explained by the relaxed social feelings they gain with their first few drinks.
So, is good sex a reason to stop drinking in the New Year?
Studies suggest that 1-2 drinks/day long-term can be beneficial for health and therefore for sex. But if you want to have good sex tonight and for years to come, stop at giddy -- where you can benefit from the psychological benefit without surrendering to the physiological shortcomings.
Exchange that extra glass of wine for water to combat the effects of dehydration and focus on your flirting skills instead. Both you and your partner will enjoy each other that much more.
Alcohol disappoints as an aphrodisiac. But are there any aphrodisiacs that do work? Check out my Aphrodisiac Buying Guide for more information.
LOOK: Why Female Authors Drink
1. Because it's relaxing:
2. Because it's social:
3. Because it's a great equalizer; a ritual that cuts across time, cultures, religions and traditions:
4. Because drinking helps us see the world differently:
5. Because drinking helps lessen our psychic pain, (even if it's only temporarily):
]]>What NOT To Learn From Pornography: A Guide For Mentag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.20412872012-11-01T14:30:01-04:002013-01-01T05:12:01-05:00Petra Zebroffhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/petra-zebroff/*Please note that this column contains what some could consider graphic sexual language and topics
The Internet has made pornography so easily accessible it is now only a click away. Porn can be an exciting, fun and easy way to get aroused. It can help to inspire you sexually and teach you about sex. But porn is "fantasy" and more often than not, a male-centric one.
Real-life sex is quite different. If you are learning how to have sex from porn, you may be getting misinformation, especially when it comes to pleasing a woman. Don't get misled.
If you want to know how to have sex with a woman (in reality), know that:
1. The clitoris actually does need some stimulation.
While only a small portion of porn shows any extended clitoral stimulation, more than two-thirds of women need "external" clitoral stimulation to have an orgasm.
The clitoris is the analogous organ to the head of the penis. Asking a woman to have an orgasm
without touching the clitoris is like asking a man to have an orgasm without touching the head of his penis -- possible, but unlikely.
2. Women DO need more time to build their arousal.
Porn loves to show horny women who need no build up to sex and orgasm. All a female porn character needs to get horny is to open a door to a pizza man with a lousy pick-up line and an average body. In reality most women need more.
A few things to consider when building a woman's arousal are:
Her pleasure
Women in porn often "fake" their pleasure. Sorry to burst your bubble, but it is true. In reality, let a woman know you care about her pleasure, as well as yours, and she will be much more likely to enjoy sex with you.
Her idea of safety
Women in porn don't have to worry about whether they are at risk. But in real life, physical and emotional safety can be an issue. Address her need to feel safe.
3. Anal intercourse needs preparation.
Anal sex takes time, patience and some preparation for all to enjoy it. Porn shows men stuffing their penises into any orifice -- no mess, no pain. This scenario is completely unrealistic. Anal sex is not always pain or feces-free. Talk to your lover before the act -- addressing her (and your) concerns, and consider:
Void (cleanse) before -- ALL of the women in porn receiving anal sex have had a thorough enema cleansing before the anal scene is shot. With a real-life partner you can eroticize this preparation, or at least ask her if she needs time to prepare.
Use a ton of lube -- porn-stars never seem to need more than a little spit to make a successful anal session, yet behind the camera sits a big jar of lube. Have yours available -- and use it.
Go SLOW! Women in porn have been prepped with fingers and butt plugs before they get to the huge penis.
4. ATM
There is a popular trend in porn that shows the penis going from a woman's anus to her mouth or vagina. This might be intriguing and arousing for some to watch, but in reality it can be a problem for most women, especially without proper preparation. Most people find feces in the mouth extremely unpleasant. And moving to the vagina from the anus can cause infections.
Avoid this unless she asks for it, and then only with a condom to reduce the risk of bacterial contamination.
5. Ejaculating outside the body isn't always necessary.
Porn movies show "come shots" outside of the body on purpose -- it is visual proof that there was "real pleasure." While it may be fun to watch and do, ejaculating on the face, butt, or stomach is over-represented in porn.
In reality, the sensation of coming inside the body can be extremely exciting and pleasurable for both men the woman, but is under-represented in porn because it is almost impossible to see with a regular camera.
6. Odd positions don't always work.
Porn actors contort their bodies into positions that are not always comfortable. They do this so that the audience can see the "action" -- the penis going into the vagina/anus. However, these positions are often not ideal for sexual satisfaction for either partner.
The rule is this: if it looks or feels uncomfortable, change positions.
Every woman is different in what positions she prefers. Ask her, or watch her reactions while in the various positions.
7. Women like to look too.
The majority of porn puts women as the center of attention -- pretty, sexy things to look at. The porn camera shoots from a man's perspective. But in reality, women get turned on by "visual" images of men too.
Most heterosexual women like to look at men, not necessarily women. Don't forget to show her a little bit of your sexy self.
Sex in real life doesn't have to suffer because you (or your man) bought into the myths and limitations of filmed-for-profit sex.
We have to be realistic about how porn affects our real sex lives. Until more women are vocal about what they like (and don't like), porn will remain primarily made-for-men, teaching them inaccuracies around sexuality.
As more women enter the porn industry and partake in amateur porn, we are seeing hopeful signs that these stereotypes are changing, but this change is surprisingly slow.
Read more about what women think of pornography]]>Comment un contrat sexuel façon Cinquante nuances de Grey peut améliorer votre vie sexuelletag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.19808422012-10-18T14:30:54-04:002012-12-18T05:12:02-05:00Petra Zebroffhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/petra-zebroff/Cinquante nuances de Grey est arrivé dans les librairies, les femmes me posent des questions sur les contrats sexuels. Est-ce qu'ils existent vraiment ? Comment ça marche ? Après tout, si vous y pensez, Cinquante nuances de Grey de E. L. James est une négociations de contrat de plus de 500 pages.
Dans le livre, "le contrat" est une proposition faite par un beau millionnaire, Christian Grey, d'assurer soutien financier, budget vestimentaire illimité et plaisir sexuel ultime à Ana, jeune journaliste tout juste diplômée, se définissant elle-même comme pas très dégourdie et une ingénue en termes de sexualité.
En échange, Christian demande à Ana de se soumettre à lui deux jours par semaine. La soumission, en l'occurrence, signifie qu'Ana devra satisfaire le moindre caprice de Christian sans poser de question. Si elle n'obéit pas, il aura le droit de la "punir" comme il le souhaite. Cela semble ignoble à Ana jusqu'à ce qu'elle apprenne que la punition ne peut pas comprendre "une souffrance émotionnelle, physique ou spirituelle", et qu'il y a des "mots de sécurité", convenus au préalable entre eux, qui peuvent ralentir ou arrêter l'activité à tout moment. Elle aura le droit de négocier une liste entière de pratiques sexuelles ou de punitions, décidant par avance les actes qu'elle pourrait envisager, et ceux au contraire qu'elle ne ferait jamais.
Quand vous lisez le livre, vous ne pouvez pas vous empêcher de vous demander quelles seraient vos propres réponses. Est-ce que j'accepterais du sexe oral ou du fisting anal ? Pour certains, les réponses sont faciles - "Sans problème !" ou "Pas question !". Pour les autres, ce n'est pas si évident. Comme Ana l'ingénue, on est intrigué de connaître nos propres réponses.
Certains estimeront que ce contrat est d'ordre sexuel, d'autres que c'est une question de pouvoir, pour d'autres encore, il s'agira de fringues gratuites ; enfin, certains y verront d'abord de la misogynie*.
Ana cependant réalise assez tôt que ce contrat n'aurait aucune valeur légale devant un tribunal. Sans valeur légale, ce contrat ne devient qu'une discussion émoustillante entre un homme et une femme à propos de ce qu'ils feraient ou non dans leur relation consentante.
Ce type de contrat peut créer un terrain de jeu sécurisé et amusant pour les couples souhaitant pimenter leurs relations sexuelles. Il n'est pas nécessaire d'y faire figurer le BDSM (Bondage et discipline, domination et soumission, sado-masochisme) présent dans le contrat de Grey. A la place, les contrats sexuels peuvent contenir ce que vous souhaitez y mettre, ouvrant ainsi tout un monde d'exploration sexuelle et de dialogue entre les amants.
En quoi un contrat sexuel peut améliorer votre vie sexuelle ?
1) Vous rendre plus attentif et plus excité.
Passer par ce processus de négociation sexuelle nous encourage à penser à ce que nous pourrions accepter de faire sexuellement, ce qui ouvre la possibilité d'explorations sexuelles. Nous découvrons alors de nouveaux domaines qui nous excitent et peuvent nous rendre attentifs à ce qui déclenche notre désir.
2) Ouvrir la communication sexuelle
On peut avoir du mal à parler de sexe, auquel se mêlent souvent des sentiments de honte ou de culpabilité. Un contrat peut donner au couple un point de départ, leur permettant d'en parler de façon saine et structurée. Les couples qui l'ont fait disent que c'est plus excitant que générateur d'anxiété, parce qu'ils ont l'impression d'explorer "ensemble" ce domaine.
3) Vous rendre plus sensible à vos limites.
Quand on sait que notre partenaire connaît et respecte nos limites, on se sent plus en sécurité pour se laisser aller aux choses qu'on a vraiment envie de faire.
4) Eveiller votre curiosité par rapport à ce que vous seriez capable de faire.
Quand on est capable de dire : "Cela m'intéresse mais je suis inquiet(e) de cet aspect...", cela permet de s'engager de manière plus sûre dans des pratiques que nous n'aurions pas pensé à faire en temps normal.
5) Permettre de gérer des situations sexuelles gênantes.
A mesure qu'un couple devient familier avec le processus de négociation sexuelle, il devient bien plus facile de discuter de tous les sujets sexuels, y compris ces situations sexuelles gênantes.
6) Créer une plus grande intimité avec votre partenaire.
Si nous savons ce qui excite notre partenaire ou, au contraire, le rend hésitant dans les pratiques sexuelles, on peut l'aider à réaliser ses désirs.
* J'encourage tous ceux qui s'inquiètent d'une inégalité de genre, à lire le roman La Vénus à la fourrure de Sacher-Masoch, à l'origine du masochisme, et qui évoque un contrat similaire. Ce récit de 1870 met en lumière la façon dont les contrats de pouvoir ne dépendent pas du genre. Une riche baronne y passe en effet ce type de contrat avec un homme prêt à se soumettre ou un esclave. Ce contrat lui donne encore plus de pouvoir que Christian Grey ne rêve d'en exercer sur Ana, puisqu'il lui permet d'obtenir une lettre de suicide pré-signée par son esclave, ce qui lui donne un contrôle total sur la vie de cet homme, qu'elle peut tuer sans en subir les conséquences légales.
Les bienfaits du sexe sur la santé
]]>Comment un contrat sexuel façon Cinquante nuances de Grey peut améliorer votre vie sexuelletag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.19725652012-10-17T02:30:54-04:002012-12-16T05:12:02-05:00Petra Zebroffhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/petra-zebroff/Cinquante nuances de Grey a débarqué dans les librairies, les femmes me posent des questions sur les contrats sexuels. Est-ce qu'ils existent vraiment ? Comment ça marche ? Après tout, si vous y pensez, Cinquante nuances de Grey de E. L. James est une négociations de contrat de plus de 500 pages.
Dans le livre, "le contrat" est une proposition faite par un beau millionnaire, Christian Grey, d'assurer soutien financier, budget vestimentaire illimité et plaisir sexuel ultime à Ana, jeune journaliste tout juste diplômée, se définissant elle-même comme pas très dégourdie et une ingénue en termes de sexualité.
En échange, Christian demande à Ana de se soumettre à lui deux jours par semaine. La soumission, en l'occurrence, signifie qu'Ana devra satisfaire le moindre caprice de Christian sans poser de question. Si elle n'obéit pas, il aura le droit de la "punir" comme il le souhaite. Cela semble ignoble à Ana jusqu'à ce qu'elle apprenne que la punition ne peut pas comprendre "une souffrance émotionnelle, physique ou spirituelle", et qu'il y a des "mots de sécurité", convenus au préalable entre eux, qui peuvent ralentir ou arrêter l'activité à tout moment. Elle aura le droit de négocier une liste entière de pratiques sexuelles ou de punitions, décidant par avance les actes qu'elle pourrait envisager, et ceux au contraire qu'elle ne ferait jamais.
Quand vous lisez le livre, vous ne pouvez pas vous empêcher de vous demander quelles seraient vos propres réponses. Est-ce que j'accepterais du sexe oral ou du fisting anal ? Pour certains, les réponses sont faciles - "Sans problème !" ou "Pas question !". Pour les autres, ce n'est pas si évident. Comme Ana l'ingénue, on est intrigué de connaître nos propres réponses.
Certains estimeront que ce contrat est d'ordre sexuel, d'autres que c'est une question de pouvoir, pour d'autres encore, il s'agira de fringues gratuites ; enfin, certains y verront d'abord de la misogynie*.
Ana cependant réalise assez tôt que ce contrat n'aurait aucune valeur légale devant un tribunal. Sans valeur légale, ce contrat ne devient qu'une discussion émoustillante entre un homme et une femme à propos de ce qu'ils feraient ou non dans leur relation consentante.
Ce type de contrat peut créer un terrain de jeu sécurisé et amusant pour les couples souhaitant pimenter leurs relations sexuelles. Il n'est pas nécessaire d'y faire figurer le BDSM (Bondage et discipline, domination et soumission, sado-masochisme) présent dans le contrat de Grey. A la place, les contrats sexuels peuvent contenir ce que vous souhaitez y mettre, ouvrant ainsi tout un monde d'exploration sexuelle et de dialogue entre les amants.
En quoi un contrat sexuel peut améliorer votre vie sexuelle ?
1) Vous rendre plus attentif et plus excité.
Passer par ce processus de négociation sexuelle nous encourage à penser à ce que nous pourrions accepter de faire sexuellement, ce qui ouvre la possibilité d'explorations sexuelles. Nous découvrons alors de nouveaux domaines qui nous excitent et peuvent nous rendre attentifs à ce qui déclenche notre désir.
2) Ouvrir la communication sexuelle
On peut avoir du mal à parler de sexe, auquel se mêlent souvent des sentiments de honte ou de culpabilité. Un contrat peut donner au couple un point de départ, leur permettant d'en parler de façon saine et structurée. Les couples qui l'ont fait disent que c'est plus excitant que générateur d'anxiété, parce qu'ils ont l'impression d'explorer "ensemble" ce domaine.
3) Vous rendre plus sensible à vos limites.
Quand on sait que notre partenaire connaît et respecte nos limites, on se sent plus en sécurité pour se laisser aller aux choses qu'on a vraiment envie de faire.
4) Eveiller votre curiosité par rapport à ce que vous seriez capable de faire.
Quand on est capable de dire : "Cela m'intéresse mais je suis inquiet(e) de cet aspect...", cela permet de s'engager de manière plus sûre dans des pratiques que nous n'aurions pas pensé à faire en temps normal.
5) Permettre de gérer des situations sexuelles gênantes.
A mesure qu'un couple devient familier avec le processus de négociation sexuelle, il devient bien plus facile de discuter de tous les sujets sexuels, y compris ces situations sexuelles gênantes.
6) Créer une plus grande intimité avec votre partenaire.
Si nous savons ce qui excite notre partenaire ou, au contraire, le rend hésitant dans les pratiques sexuelles, on peut l'aider à réaliser ses désirs.
* J'encourage tous ceux qui s'inquiètent d'une inégalité de genre, à lire le roman La Vénus à la fourrure de Sacher-Masoch, à l'origine du masochisme, et qui évoque un contrat similaire. Ce récit de 1870 met en lumière la façon dont les contrats de pouvoir ne dépendent pas du genre. Une riche baronne y passe en effet ce type de contrat avec un homme prêt à se soumettre ou un esclave. Ce contrat lui donne encore plus de pouvoir que Christian Grey ne rêve d'en exercer sur Ana, puisqu'il lui permet d'obtenir une lettre de suicide pré-signée par son esclave, ce qui lui donne un contrôle total sur la vie de cet homme, qu'elle peut tuer sans en subir les conséquences légales.
Les bienfaits du sexe sur la santé
]]>Arousal Types: What Is Yours?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.19458082012-10-11T12:36:34-04:002012-12-11T05:12:01-05:00Petra Zebroffhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/petra-zebroff/
Most of us do not analyze what exactly turns us on; arousal just seems to happen. It can appear at the strangest of times, coming upon us with the most unsuitable partners or taboo acts. Or arousal can be more predictable, with the heat coming from a favorite alluring sex scene in a movie or book.
We may have a general impression of what type of man (or woman) we are attracted to, or maybe even know what sexual acts we like. But outside of those vague ideas, sexual arousal is like a black box -- we know it when we experience it, but the inside workings elude us.
Research has determined women's arousal to be 'complex', but has little to say about the specifics. Until the '60s, women were believed to be sexually aroused only by the feminine aspects of sex such as intimacy and soft touch, when Alfred Kinsey (Sexual Behavior in the Human Female), Nancy Friday (My Secret Garden) and Shere Hite (The Hite Report) reported that women's fantasies were often as bold and "dirty" as men's were.
More recently, we have seen women finding 50 Shades of Grey driving them to act on a newfound sexual arousal.
So, what actually does turn women on?
Our erotic map (the complex blueprint of what turns us on) is unique to each individual. It consists of genetics, throbbing hormones and erotic experiences that were 'imprinted' during early adolescence. As we go through life, these erotic maps change slightly as we experience different types of sex and are altered by our environment, stress level, health and partner dynamics.
While each person's erotic map is different, there are general themes that run through the erotic maps of women. After two decades of studying women's arousal in my practice as a sex therapist and a sex researcher, I have identified four primary types of arousal in women.
Each female has four types of arousal influencing her overall pattern, but it is usually only one (or two) arousal themes that are the real driving forces.
What are the benefits of knowing your arousal type?
When a woman knows her primary pattern of arousal, she can have much better sex. It allows her to tap into her arousal when she wants it, as well as reach orgasm more quickly. Also, if her partner understands her "arousal type" he/she will have a map to better arouse her. Conversely, if she knows what arousal type her partner is, she will be much more likely to make her partner's sexual dreams come true, and thus increasing intimacy in the relationship.
Just as there are different types of learning (visual, auditory, kinetic), there are different types of sexual arousal. The four sexual arousal types I have identified are:
The Sensual Type is body-oriented and relies on the senses (touch, smell, taste) to fuel arousal. They get hot by the sensation of their skin being stroked, smelling a delicious scent or tasting something erotic.
The Cognitive Type is head-oriented, relying on thoughts and imagination to drive sexual feelings. This type is fueled erotically by thinking about/seeing certain sexual acts. Fantasy and porn are important tools used by the cognitive type to imagine different acts in their erotic map.
The Intimacy Type's primary motivation is to "connect" with their partner. They thrive when they share with him/her, or when they feel that he/she "gets" them.
The Attractor Type gets his/her arousal from arousing their partner. Their main source of arousal is when their partner finds them sexy and appreciates them. Being 'seen' is important to this type.
While each person will be a complex mix of all of the types, we can get valuable information about our own main erotic map to control our arousal and make sex sizzle.
What is your arousal type?
To discover your sexual arousal type, you can fill out this short questionnaire and (and in the process, contribute to sex research and a greater understanding of women's sexuality). Please note that all answers are confidential and your answers are tabulated by a clinical sexologist, not a machine.]]>Polyamory: The 50 Shades Solutiontag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.19203412012-09-28T18:06:34-04:002012-11-28T05:12:01-05:00Petra Zebroffhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/petra-zebroff/50 Shades of Grey. A speaker at last week's adult toy show in Las Vegas described how women may not be so interested in the sex in 50 Shades of Grey, but instead in the titillating example of a man (Christian) giving a woman (Ana) such an unusual amount of attention.
Christian dotes on Ana, seemingly drunk with her very essence. He often arrives unexpectedly, surprising her with gifts and exciting excursions, and is always thinking of her. (If he weren't so rich or good looking, Ana might have issued a restraining order. But that would have made for a different story.)
At times Ana is not sure how she feels about Christian or the relationship, but what she does know is that getting so much focused attention from a hot, rich man turns her on. And apparently reading about it turns on the reader as well.
Despite the demanding, power-hungry sides of Christian, it is not hard to imagine heeding his every whim. But, let's face it, in the real world, while love can last a lifetime, that obsessive attention that we lavish on another human being when we are first together ("new relationship energy") inevitably wanes within the first year.
And real-life men will never, no matter how wealthy or good looking, live up to that extreme level of attention-giving (or getting, for that matter) year after year.
We all miss the time when we had all of our partner's attention. At the beginning of the relationship he/she listened intently, we talked until the wee hours of the morning and he/she disclosed how much we were cherished. It was HOT.
But every relationship gets only one "new relationship energy" kick. Christian and Ana will inevitably fall into routine domesticity too after a couple of kids and a number of trips to the renovation store.
If we believe that 'being seen and valued' is the real attraction of 50 Shades, perhaps the solution is simple: Polyamory. Polyamory is the practice, desire, or acceptance of having more than one intimate relationship at a time with the knowledge and consent of everyone involved.
If women are seeking attention (and hot sex), then having more than one man paying attention to them may be just the answer they have been seeking.
Carrie, a 39-year-old polyamorous woman, believes that polyamory is the solution to getting the attention that she craves. She has been married to Craig for over nine years and also has had a boyfriend for the last year.
Carrie chose a polyamorous lifestyle because she didn't believe in cheating. She loves her husband and yet she doesn't want to give up sexual exploration and that 'new relationship energy' she once had with him -- the same kick that Ana describes with Christian Grey.
Carrie laughs, telling me she often gets too much attention. "Sometimes it is hard to find the time to give both partners the attention they need," says Carrie. Tristan Taormino, author of Opening Up, reinforces this concern explaining how time is a major issue for many polyamorous couples.
Kelly, another polyamorous woman, loves the attention too, but she has also experienced the opposite -- feeling less important. After being in a long-term poly relationship for almost 20 years, she is experiencing the other side of polyamory: Her primary partner has taken a new lover. Kelly feels happy that her partner is so fulfilled with another partner (a feeling called "compersion"), and yet she still struggles with feeling insecure and a little left out.
Polyamorous couples have to work hard to manage their reactions of jealousy and issues of time management. Maturity and communication skills are essential. One of the leading researchers, Dr. Sheff, discussed the reality of polyamory in a recent article in the Globe and Mail, "Ongoing poly relationships can be enough of a challenge, and require so much communication, that there is often less sex than talking."
So, is polyamory a realistic solution for those who crave the level of attention that Christian Grey gives to Ana?
Yes, for some, polyamory may be a way to get that 'kick of attention' found in 50 Shades, but keep in mind that real life comes with many more responsibilities than the fantasy of Christian Grey.
After all, 50 Shades is all about fantasy! Real-life relationships are grounded in reality.
If you are interested in exploring your sexual life but polyamory is not your cup of tea, inject more excitement into your long-term relationship with your own Sexual Contract or tips to negotiating better sex with your partner.]]>How A '50 Shades'-Style Sexual Contract Can Lead To Better Sextag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.18780512012-09-17T12:52:13-04:002012-11-17T05:12:01-05:00Petra Zebroffhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/petra-zebroff/Fifty Shades of Grey hit bookstores, women have been asking me questions about sexual contracts. Are they real? How do they work? After all, when you think about it, E. L. James' Fifty Shades of Grey is a 500+ page contract negotiation.
In the book, "The Contract" is a proposal by a wealthy, gorgeous millionaire, Christian Grey, who is offering financial support, an unlimited clothing budget and ultimate sexual pleasure to Ana, a new journalism graduate, self-proclaimed klutz and sexually naïve woman.
In exchange, Christian is asking Ana to be his submissive for two days out of every week. Submissiveness in this context means Ana would cater to Christian's every whim without question. If she doesn't obey, he would have the right to 'punish' her with any method he chooses. This sounds despicable to Ana until she learns that the punishment cannot include "emotional, physical or spiritual harm," and there are mutually agreed-upon "safe words" that can slow down or stop any activity at any time. She will be able to negotiate a whole list of sexual activities or punishments, deciding beforehand which acts she would consider trying and those she would never do.
As you read the novel, you cannot help but wonder what your own answers might be. Would I have oral sex or do anal fisting? To some, the answers are an easy -- "absolutely" or "no way!" Other choices may not be so clear. Just like the sexually naïve Ana, we are intrigued to discover our own answers.
Some might think this contract is about sex, to others it is about power, to still others it is about free clothes, and for a few folks it smacks of misogyny.*
Ana, however, realizes early on that no legal body would uphold this contract in court. Without legal meaning, the contract becomes only a titillating discussion between a man and woman about what they will do or not do in their mutually consenting relationship.
This type of contract can create a safe and fun playground for couples to negotiate great sex. It does not need to contain the bondage and discipline (BDSM) of the Grey contract. Instead, sexual contracts can be whatever you want them to be, opening up a whole world of sexual exploration and discussion between lovers in the process.
What can a sexual contract do for our sex life?
1. It can make us aware and titillated.
Going through the process of sexual negotiation encourages us to think about what we would consider doing sexually, opening up possibilities for sexual exploration. We discover new areas that turn us on and can make us aware of our 'sexual triggers.'
2. It opens up sexual communication.
Sex can be a difficult thing to talk about, often complicated with feelings of shame or guilt. A contract can give a couple a place to start, walking them through the process in a safe and structured way. Couples who have done it say it is more exciting than anxiety-provoking because they feel like they are exploring it 'together.'
3. It makes us aware of our limits -- what we won't do.
When we know our partner knows and respects our limits, we feel safe about relaxing into the things we look forward to doing.
4. It makes us curious to explore what we might do.
When we are able to say "that sort of interests me, but I'm concerned about this aspect...", it introduces a safe way to engage in activities that we wouldn't have normally thought of doing.
5. It establishes ways to deal with awkward sexual situations.
As a couple becomes familiar with the sexual negotiation process, it becomes increasingly easier to discuss all sexual topics, including those sexually awkward moments.
6. It creates greater intimacy with our partner.
If we know what our partner is excited about or hesitant about doing sexually, we can help them to realize their desires.
* I encourage all those worried about gender inequality to read a similar contract from Sacher-Masoch's novel, Venus in Furs (the root of the word masochism). This tale from 1870 highlights how power contracts are not gender-specific. A wealthy baroness negotiates a similar contract with a potentially submissive man, or slave. This contract gives her even more control than Christian Grey dreams of asking of Ana, even adding a suicide note pre-signed by her slave, so she can control his life entirely, even killing him without legal consequence.
]]>The Good and Bad Lessons Men Can Learn From Pick-Up Artiststag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.18369172012-08-29T00:00:16-04:002012-10-28T05:12:04-04:00Petra Zebroffhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/petra-zebroff/
Take Jeremy, a 40-year-old man who had honed the techniques of pickup artists for over a decade. After years of "getting women into bed," Jeremy was finding dating boring and sex uninspiring. He was having a difficult time reaching orgasm, and the system did not seem to work with women he was really interested in. He was completely lost and terribly lonely.
Which pick-up artist techniques work?
1. The Three Second Rule:
Approach a woman you are attracted to within three seconds of noticing her, says a pickup artist. This rule is a gem when it comes to overcoming fear and challenging yourself to do anything that requires courage. Acting immediately avoids over-thinking, you just DO. While this rule seems to work for dating it also works for sex.
Sexual Analysis: Spontaneity can add excitement to a sexual encounter. Don't over-think sexual exploration.
2. Touch Quickly:
A pickup artist knows what the behavioural sociologists have known for a long time -- touching in a casual and non-threatening way can allow the woman to relax around you, while her reactions to your touch can give you valuable feedback as to her physical limits and her impressions of you.
Sexual Analysis: "Good touch" establishes the physicality of the relationship quickly. Start out with a non-sexual touch -- graze her arm, hand or small of her back as she is getting up or when you are making a point. Her response will give you valuable information as to how quickly you can advance sexually.
3. Give Her Time to Come to You:
The pickup artist will tell you that when it comes to moving on to to kissing and more, first show interest and then pull back a bit and let the woman respond.
Sexual Analysis: When a woman is free to listen to the timing of her own arousal, she can bring her passion more authentically to a sexual encounter.
Pickup artists also follow misinformed techniques that can be destructive to sex and a potential relationship.
Which pick-up artist techniques fail?
1. Negging:
Negging is a technique used to pick up attractive women accustomed to receiving compliments. The pick-up artist criticizes her to catch her off guard, make her self-conscious and look for the negg-ers approval.
Sexual Analysis: Drawing attention to a woman's physical insecurity will only focus her attention on that judgment (called spectatoring), and away from her sexual arousal. A lack of arousal and erotic focus is a recipe for bad sex.
2. Freezing Out:
Freezing out is a negative reinforcement tool in which the pickup artist stops conversation or acts as if disinterested to control a woman's "bad" behaviour.
Sexual Analysis: Not only is negative reinforcement ineffective, but it makes the other person feel bad about themselves (and you). It inspires insecurity, anxiety and promotes bad communication, leading to distant, needy sex.
Once Jeremy identified which techniques were useful and which were destructive, sex started to feel different to him -- more exciting. By being more discerning about the advice he follows, he is feeling less lonely and more connected with women he is interested in.]]>