Trina Read2013-05-21T09:56:44-04:00Trina Readhttp://www.huffingtonpost.ca/author/index.php?author=trina-readCopyright 2008, HuffingtonPost.com, Inc.HuffingtonPost Blogger Feed for Trina ReadGood old fashioned elbow grease.What To Do With a Screamer When You're Trying to Sleeptag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.32477902013-05-10T17:31:47-04:002013-05-10T17:31:56-04:00Trina Readhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/trina-read/
Once while staying overnight in a hotel at about 1 a.m., I woke up to a couple zealously having sex in the next room. It then happened at 1:45 and again at 3:10. As thrilled as I am about people overtly enjoying their sexuality, I do not believe it should infringe on my sleep time.
Then again, it was in a hotel where the rules around hot and loud sex are fuzzy. It is expected for couples to let loose at a hotel, hoping the people in the next room are heavy sleepers.
Outside of a hotel, how does the average person feel about making sex noises with other people in close proximity? My observations show two camps: the first camp is too terrified to have sex because they might make the slightest noise and the second camp is turned on by the adventure.
After a hard day of skiing, a group wearily came back to their rented chalet. As it only had one bedroom, everyone slept on the living room floor in sleeping bags. Just as the group drifted off to sleep, one couple jokingly started to make loud sex noises. After a good laugh, the group once again dozed off -- all the while, the couple followed through with silent-ish sex. When I asked if they woke anyone up, they just smiled at me.
The question remains: how does one approach someone else about keeping their screaming to a minimum?
The first person I ever confronted was my university roommate who often brought loud girls home to sleep over. Between my being a light sleeper and our apartment's thin walls, I would have my very own front row seat to his goings-on.
After enough sleepless nights I challenged him, "Would you mind keeping it down when you bring guests over?"
"Huh?" was his initial response. Wholehearted laughter with, "You're joking right?" was his second. There was no way my 22-year-old roommate was going to quiet down an enthusiastic bedtime partner. I bought a pair of earplugs.
The next phase of my life came with having house guests. Granted, most of my guests have been discreet. And yet, there have been a few that were not. This is especially awkward when the guest bedroom is directly below my master bedroom, with a heating vent connecting the two rooms.
Last summer around 2 a.m., I was awoken by my guests' loud sex noises. Said couple went about their business for about an hour. All the while, I closed my eyes real tight and tried to go back to sleep. It didn't work. In fact, it took a few more hours for me to drift back into la-la land.
The next morning as I dragged my butt into the kitchen to make some blessed coffee, the couple in question came bouncing up the stairs. They were laughing, slapping and teasing one another.
I thought the black rings under my eyes and thoroughly tired demeanor would tip them off to my sleepless night. Nope. They were still in their sex-induced love haze.
Having slept through the entire performance, my husband could not understand why I was miffed. He exclaimed, "You're the sex expert. Shouldn't you of all people be open to folks having loud sex?"
"Yes," I repeat for a second time, "I am totally in favour of people having loud sex...but not when I am trying to sleep!" I then came up with the analogy, "It's the same as them going into our living room in the middle of the night and turning our TV on full blast. You just don't do it."
Yet if this couple were to come and visit again, would I mention before bedtime to keep their noise level to a minimum? I would rather stick my hand in a tank full of piranhas.
As such, I have come to the conclusion that there is no tactful way to ask rambunctious couples to keep their noise level down while having sex.
If this should happen to you, go directly to the bathroom, roll up a wad of toilet paper and stick it in your ears. Or, even better, start having loud sex (even if you are by yourself) to drown out their noise. At least you will have some fun while you're waiting for your guests to finish.
]]>Mummies Don't Need to Be Yummy, They Need Orgasmstag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.29720332013-03-29T08:51:30-04:002013-03-29T13:32:46-04:00Trina Readhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/trina-read/
That is, until I realized this generation -- if up for the task -- has an equally challenging battle to fight: to finally draw a line in the sand and stop society's maddening ideal of being "normal." The sooner women stop striving for this over-the-top perfection, the quicker she can enjoy the sex that goes along with her orgasm.
Before 1960 it was assumed women did not enjoy sex. Sex was simply a marital duty, like cleaning the house and taking care of the kids. Thankfully, the 1970s were a turning point where women asserted that they too had sexual needs.
The 1980s saw women putting on androgynous suits with football player shoulder pads and going out to stake a claim in the professional world. They straddled the line between living up to June Cleaver's version of perfect motherhood and thumbing their noses at society, saying, "I'll show the world I can be a career gal."
Not surprisingly, a woman's new agenda came at the cost of her sexuality. With only 24 hours in a day, full-time work and full-time motherhood usually meant zero time for pleasure.
Twenty-five years later, women are at last climbing out of that dark super-woman abyss. Women's magazines and newspapers have been claiming for years that women cannot be everything to everyone. In fact, the new millennium philosophy is: make yourself a priority, relax and find balance.
In following these instructions, some women are reporting back to me that (gasp) they are actually enjoying having sex with their partners again. They finally realized, after pushing themselves to the brink over and over again, it left no want or desire for sexual intimacy.
And now, just as women are dismantling these whacked-out, spreading-myself-too-thin 1980s paradigms, comes another blow.
Please introduce the new, sexy, chic and always-on-top-of-her-game celebrity mom. And now today's young woman has yet another layer to add to her burgeoning list of what is expected of an average gal: successful, beautiful, perfect body, smart, talented, sexual and to be a Yummy Mummy.
Tell me, how's a gal supposed to keep up?
One day I secretly spied on a young mom standing in a grocery line. She picked up a glossy magazine with the cover showing celebrity moms looking fabulous. I wondered how that smartly dressed lady with big black rings under her hollow eyes felt compared to "fabulous Angelina Jolie" or "divine Katie Holmes" as her two young children clung to her legs.
Intellectually, that professional mom probably knew Angelina and Katie had a team of nannies, masseurs, hairdressers, make-up people and wardrobe stylists to create this fantasy persona. Emotionally, though -- because emotion wins over logic every single time -- I wondered how that mother felt not being able to keep up.
What did it do to her self-esteem? Did it make her want to trade her stylish suit for a sexy negligee? Or did it make her want to bury her head in the sand and hope it all went away soon? Most importantly, I wondered what effect these new sexy-mom expectations will have on her long-term sexual relationship 20 years from now.
I know a plethora of 50-somethings who would advise this young mom that it's not worth it. From experience, they understand when women are so busy being busy keeping up with Yummy Mummy "normal," something has to give. I would wager every cent I possess that in trying to keep up with "normal" a woman will always come out the desperate loser.
Yes, women can and do orgasm, but they find little satisfaction in sex because they are not getting or giving it the time it needs to be enjoyable.
It is my hope that this next generation of women will put a stop to this crazy nonsense. If and when they do, sex can then become what it was meant to be: a time for emotional connection with your partner. Because right now, sex for the super-busy woman is just one more thing that sits on her to-do list, that makes her feel guilty to boot.
]]>Dear Men, Here's What You Need to Know About Sextag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.28761782013-03-15T08:00:08-04:002013-05-15T05:12:01-04:00Trina Readhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/trina-read/
Dear Men,
Women want sex to have a beginning, middle, and end.
In chick-language, sex is a journey, not a goal-oriented destination. In guy language, sex always seems to focus on the middle part: she (hopefully) has an orgasm, then he has an orgasm and then voila, you are done.
Don't misunderstand, women love the middle part just as much as you. However, there is so much more to sex than having an orgasm. Gasp, yes it is true.
Here are some ideas for the not-middle-part of sex.
Women do not have an on-off sex switch
Women cannot switch our brains off of the thousands things we multi-task during the day and switch on to sex. It can take us at least twice as long to get outside of our brains and into our bodies.
Please do not expect a little snuggling and pawing at nite (BTW grabbing her boob to initiate sex is not sexy...just saying) will make us run to the bedroom in anticipation. Please see below for further suggestions.
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Get out of your sex routine
I am sure you have heard more times than you care to count how women need foreplay -- and lots of it. And you may be thinking that you do your best to please your partner. In fact, to your knowledge she always has a good time.
However while pleasing her, do you use the same routine over and over again? Do you only ever focus on the three body parts that you know work? If you answered yes, remember too much of any good thing becomes stale after a while. Erogenous zones are a-plenty on the female body. Use them.
Create a new groove
If you are stuck for what to do, let me offer a few always-works-like-a-charm suggestions.
(1) Talking. Yes, the dreaded talking before sex. Talking helps women disconnect from what is going on, so they can reconnect with you. And just because she is talking about her day, or the kids, or doing laundry, does not mean she is disinterested in having sex. Think of it as an unwinding time.
(2) Kissing. Kissing is immensely sexy and there is not enough of it. Period. Do not even get me started on how 5 to 10 minutes of kissing will have many women like putty in your hands.
(3) Touching. Every woman is different in how she likes to be touched. The best way to understand how your partner prefers to be touched is simply to try new things. If you are not sure how to start, give her a massage. Touching should help both of you relax. And no, it is not always you that has to do all the work; touching is definitely a two-way street.
I suggest when trying this out for the first time, avoid the three major body parts. Trust me, the sex will be hot and erotic.
(4) Playfulness. Destination sex always seems so intense and a bit sombre. Relaxing, laughing, having fun makes any situation, especially sex, that much better. Also, being playful will help if you are nervous bringing new ideas or things into the bedroom.
Make an effort to do something different each time you have sex
How? There are at least 101 positions for intercourse (OK, you need to wrap yourself like a pretzel for some, so maybe only 75 positions). Or did you know a woman likes to be touched softer or harder depending where she is in her menstrual cycle? Just these two suggestions alone can be a hundred ways to do something different with the same piece of equipment.
When you are finished, make sure the woman is finished as well
Women need to have that stay-connected-feeling that comes from cuddling. Men, please do not disconnect by rolling over, going to use the bathroom or whatever you do after the sex is done. Stay for awhile, even if it is two minutes.
If you do not like cuddling after sex, think of it as your penance for not having to sleep in the wet spot.
You might be asking yourself, is all of this effort worth it for better sex? I would say, yes, yes, oh, yes. Baby.]]>Why is His Vasectomy My Responsiblity?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.27653352013-02-26T12:25:54-05:002013-04-28T05:12:01-04:00Trina Readhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/trina-read/
Equally as frustrated he replied, "What's wrong with using a condom!?"
"I'm ovulating today" I warily replied, "and I don't want to take any chances. The condom could break."
It all started a few minutes earlier when my husband nuzzled my neck and I got a warm tingly sensation. I'd been thinking about sex all that long, long day. As Murphy's Law would have it, it was one of those oh-so-rare spontaneous sex moments where we were both in the sex zone.
I was willing, ready and eager to pounce. Images of clothes being flung off, wild sex occurring filled my day-dreaming head -- it had been so long since both of us had been in the zone I was practically drooling.
But alas, as you've already read, I was ovulating and any sex drive was completely zapped thinking about accidentally conceiving.
In my mind, the answer to our spontaneous sex woes is simple: a vasectomy. Such a minor thing to have in order for us to have a happy and healthy sex life. Or at least for me it is such a simple and minor thing.
Problem is, it's been a year that my husband has been dodging the "you need to get a vasectomy" bullet. He's given some valid and some pretty lame excuses as to why he can't have one.
I've patiently listened to them all trying to be empathetic. Because I do appreciate men get all weirded out when it comes to messing with their "boys." It's the main reason why I've been patiently persistent using condoms.
Hoping too many moments of, "Oh we're in the shower and you want sex. OK. BUT you need to get a condom. Off you go." would wear him down. Nope.
Apparently he's happy to use condoms for the next 50 years of our marriage. I'm growing tired of them and, like this spontaneous horny day, it's getting in the way of my sexual happiness.
So I've booked the appointment. All the while listening to him gripe, stomp all over the house and have a man-temper-tantrum. Which leads me to my point: Why is birth control up to me and why do I have to be the nagging wife to get this done? It just doesn't seem fair.
]]>The Ordinary Moments That Affect Your Sex Lifetag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.26873652013-02-15T07:15:09-05:002013-04-17T05:12:01-04:00Trina Readhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/trina-read/
Innocent enough question. But I was up at 3:00 a.m. with a teething baby, could not fall back to sleep until 5:00-ish when my baby, once again, woke up. I was exhausted and coming up with an answer was too much effort.
I looked at him bleary eyed with a confused haven't-had-my-first-cup-of-coffee brain and earnestly replied, "I don't know."
Then -- SHAZAM -- the complete frustration of always feeling totally responsible for everything child-related took over. And for one millisecond my mega-bitch came out and sarcastically replied every so softly, "Perhaps -- just once -- you could make that kind of decision yourself."
Of course he got mad. Said a few things I won't repeat. He heated up the muffins and, literally, threw them on the table for my toddler to eat. Stomped out of the kitchen and got ready for work.
I knew if nothing was done this would fester into an argument later that evening, so I made a peace offering by giving him a hug as he left for work. It was a cold hug but still it took both our guards down and made us more civil. It wasn't great but it was the best we could manage.
The "frozen muffin incident" lasted all of thirty seconds. Yet it's one of those minor things that can have a major impact on a relationship...and sex.
Frozen muffin moments can completely annihilate the ability to be intimate and connected. Because I can say with all sincerity in that moment I sure as heck didn't want to have sex with him. And if it wasn't for the hug the anger could have lingered for days, affecting the well being of our relationship.
However, it did get me thinking about how the universe can turn on a dime.
If instead my husband would have seen how tired I was and given me a mini-back rub. Or taken the kids. Or said, "Go back to bed and sleep for another half and hour." I would have certainly been more open for sex.
And I, understanding that he's not a mind reader and needing him to understand that I was on-the-edge of a meltdown should have said as much.
And so it seems the quality of our sex lives hangs in the balance of these ordinary life moments that have little to nothing to do with sex.
So when couples ask me, "How can we start having sex after kids?" I implore them to look at their frozen muffin moments. Too many added up over time will mean a frozen muffin sexual incompatibility.
And just as easily, they can be reconciled and turned around in a matter of seconds. Remember: In the "frozen muffin moment" it's really up to you and your partner which way you want your relationship to go.
Choose to support and take care of each other.
]]>Is Being Too Tired for Sex Simply an Excuse?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.26061382013-02-04T08:48:46-05:002013-04-06T05:12:01-04:00Trina Readhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/trina-read/
Today's average couple is always on the go and busy. Somehow getting through each day stretched for time, overworked and tired. It's not surprising then that being tired gets in the way of them having good sex on a regular basis -- but not in the way you might think. A big couple conundrum and question to me is, "How can we want sex when we're always so tired?"
My response: "Usually it's not the being tired that is preventing you from wanting sex."
An inevitable long and cold silence, followed with a brisk and defensive, "You don't think being tired plays havoc on people's sex lives?"
My response: "There's a reason sleep is considered the new sex. I think exhaustion is very real and a big concern for couples. No doubt, there are many times when a couple is too tired to have sex. Generally though, being tired shouldn't equate to a person's motivation to have sex (a.k.a. sexual desire)."
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The problem of pointing the finger of blame of "we're just too tired," is it usually covers up for other things that have gone wrong in the bedroom: lack of communication, build up of resentment, boring sex, the list goes on and on. It's easier for a couple to sidestep a huge argument(s) by not opening that Pandora's box. Agreeing that they are too tired becomes an easy salve on a big wound.
In fact, many men and women have confessed saying "I'm too tired" has become a bad habit -- they say it before they really think about whether they are or not.
Not to rub salt in the we're-not-having-enough-sex-wound but I know plenty of couples who have great sex lives -- exhausted or not. In fact, they have more sex when they are tired because it's their way of relaxing and feeling good -- given sex can flood the brain with wonderful, endorphins, oxytocin and so on.
Instead of focusing on a "symptom" of being exhausted, couples need to look at the bigger picture of how they are having sex. They also need to wrap their heads around creating more realistic expectations on what is doable for their present lifestyle and schedule.
Sex, like everything else in life, has its ebbs and flows. Sometimes there will be periods of upheavals having and it will be sex once a month. During calm periods, they can easily have sex once a week (if that's their frequency preference). Sometimes, albeit not often, they will look each other in the eyes and want rip each other's clothes off.
It all starts with a heart-to-heart talk outside the bedroom like, "This is our extremely busy situation for the next six months. What can we do sexually and/or to stay connected even if we aren't having as much sex as we'd like?"
If you're truly in a busy period of your life, forcing the "sex once a week" formula will probably cause more harm then it will do good. Instead focus on maintaining intimacy outside the bedroom: touching, kissing, being nice to each other.
Or if you're dealing more with the daily grind of life, scheduling sex is the easiest way for a couple to keep their sex life on the radar. It may not seem romantic and couples usually feel like failures because they can no longer have spontaneous sex; however, chances are if they don't schedule, it's not going to happen.
The upside to scheduling is it takes away any negative feelings of who is going to initiate sex and her walking around on egg shells wondering if "tonight is the night when I'll have to have sex." Research proves couples who schedule sex have more sex that is mutually satisfying.
So the next time the words, "I'm too tired" come out of your mouth as they relate to sex, think about how they are affecting your sex life overall. If you truly are too tired all the time, then maybe it's time to get some balance in your life. After all, we can only hold our partner at arm's length for so long before the relationship starts to suffer.]]>Why You Shouldn't Divorce Over a "Sexless Marriage"tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.25218622013-01-22T12:37:55-05:002013-03-24T05:12:02-04:00Trina Readhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/trina-read/
It raises the question: Is the fall-out from a divorce really worth it because a couple wants to believe they are sexually incompatible? I would bet my mortgage those couples contemplating divorce are sexually compatible, they're just not willing to invest time and energy into making their sexual relationship work.
What spurred this on was the Huffington Post article, "'Sexless Marriage' When Sex Ends at I Do". The author's ex-husband, "was generous, helpful, grateful, respectful, tender and attentive -- and not in the least bit interested in sex with me or anyone else." So she divorced him. What didn't surprise me was there were over 4,100 comments; the article struck a deep chord on both sides of the should-we-get-a-divorce-because-we're-not-having-sex debate.
Admittedly, it is hard to live with someone who is for all intents and purposes a roommate. And, of course, I acknowledge and appreciate the frustration, shame and hurt that comes from a marriage lacking in intimacy. It can affect self-esteem, bring on depression, self-loathing and anxiety.
Not surprisingly differences in sexual wants, needs and desires within a long-term relationship is a confusing topic. One of the top three questions I answer in interviews is "How much sex is normal?" I believe what people really want to know is if what they are experiencing in their own relationship is "abnormal."
For the record, there is no normal amount of sexual interaction; no research to validate that there is an appropriate frequency for the average couple.
That said, in 2003 Newsweek noted that 15 per cent to 20 per cent of couples have sex less than 10 times a year which is defined as a "sexless" marriage. It is estimated that 15 per cent of marriages become sexless and is the norm for some.
I'm not sure where this "research" is derived, but, unfortunately, it is now held as a media-fueled truth.
I have a love/hate relationship with the "sexless marriage" moniker. It makes couples who are trying their best but not having a lot of sex to feel inadequate; it also gives ammunition to a spouse who doesn't think they are getting enough sex. And yet it is a starting ground for a couple to understand whether they are mutually satisfied with their sex life.
The question remains, if you are in a "sexless marriage" or one where you feel sexual incompatibility, is it worth getting a divorce? Here are some my thoughts.
When a Couple Truly Is Sexually Incompatible
First, there is no concrete definition to what sexually incompatibility means. It is impossible to give concrete parameters as it is a couple by couple situation. For some people sex is extremely important and integral part of the relationship; for other couples not so much (as you can read in the comment section in the above "Sexless Marriage" sex article).
Most people assume sexually incompatibility means there's a disparity in preferred sexual frequency -- i.e. one partner wants sex once per month while the other wants it every day. However, I believe frequency discrepancy is superficial. Sexual incompatibility falls more in line of, for example, one partner wants to enter a sexual "lifestyle" such as swinging, BDSM, etc., while the other partner is completely against it.
There's Been Too Much Fighting About Sex
Sex can easy become the trigger to power struggles within a couple. A fight over something unrelated triggers a fight-loop over the lack of sex.
When a couple has fought too much about sex -- for years -- it can be extremely challenging to get their sex life back on track. First it requires them to get a third party -- like a counselor -- to help sort out their couple issues. Once couple issues are sorted, they can then work on their sexual compatibility.
When a Couple Is Sexually Compatible but Sex Is Boring
This is by far the most common sexual conundrum couple's get trapped in. Where sex was once effortless and satisfying, it has become a mine-field of negative feelings. As well, fragile sexual egos confine a couple into over-repetitive sex techniques and positions whereby sex becomes mechanical and boring.
For the majority of busy couples, having a mutually satisfying sex life takes too much work and effort. The couple's motivation to have sex dampens -- creating frequency discrepancy. Sexual lackluster feelings come across as if the couple is sexually incompatible.
There is an easy fix to this type of "sexual incompatibility" but only if the couple wants it to be an easy fix. There is a plethora of information every where on "how to spice up your sex life." What it really means for most couples is re-prioritizing their relationship and spending time -- perhaps 10 minutes a week -- on their relationship.
Ten minutes a week to a better sex life isn't complicated. But too many couples are too shy or intimidated to start a conversation how to make sex more exciting. This, understandably, brings the relationship to a breaking point and many couples come to the conclusion that divorce is the best solution.
But in my opinion many divorces over "sexual incompatibility" aren't necessary. It comes down to whether a couple is willing to invest in themselves, their partnership and their sexual happiness. And understanding their sexual compatibility is more of a barometer for what's going on outside their bedroom.
]]>Can Erotica Help Women's Sexuality?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2013:/theblog//3.24170362013-01-07T12:19:30-05:002013-03-09T05:12:01-05:00Trina Readhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/trina-read/Fifty Shades of Grey (FSG) trilogy and its 15 minutes of fame are over. I couldn't for the life of me understand why such a poorly written book became 2012's biggest blockbuster seller since there's much better erotica to read. I also could not understand how such a vanilla, mainstream book -- one notch up from a Harlequin romance, really -- started such a controversy in the first place.
One thing for certain the Fifty Shades of Grey phenomenon was the perfect storm and, I believe, has forever changed the way many women perceive and read erotica.
For those who haven't heard of this book, it's an erotica book cloaked in a "love story." Handsome tycoon billionaire Christian Grey wants to dominate young, innocent college student Anastasia, and he wants her to be his submissive. But Christian is a broken man which leads him down the path of BDSM. They sign a contract, yet Anastasia constantly asks herself whether she wants this relationship.
So of course, from the time the book came out there was outrage about the BDSM theme. Which is understandable -- I would be astonished if there wasn't push back from a segment of the population.
For instance, a U.K. women's charity refers to Fifty Shades as "an instruction manual for an abusive individual to sexually torture a vulnerable young woman" and organized a book-burning protest.
How do you explain someone who doesn't believe fantasy is a good thing that a book about BDSM fantasy is an okay read? Not easy. Especially if you don't understand BDSM -- and most people, understandably, don't -- then yes, of course, a book like this can seen harmful.
What is actually going on in the novel is an "exchange of power" which puts Anastasia on equal footing to Christian Grey. Everything is consensual and agreed upon. Professionally, I wish all couples would take a chapter from BDSM in that there is a mutually satisfying exchange.
The American press had a heyday vilifying this type of female fantasy -- again. In 1973 Nancy Friday gathered women's fantasies and published My Secret Garden. Many of these average gal's fantasies were about being dominated -- just like Anastasia.
Interestingly history shows that S&M erotica comes in and out of fashion about every 20 years (or so). Ann Rice published her erotic fairytales in the early 1990s. Anais Nin was wildly popular in her day (mid-70s); The Story of O published in 1954 by Anne Desclos; and so on.
Women loved and read these books but had to pass them along secretly to her friends and family. The difference is FSG is a lot more accessible and women feel a lot more empowered to read it openly.
As much as I'm not a fan of the FSG trilogy I am glad and grateful for one thing: for once the average gal was in your face about her sexuality. Not caring that she was being titillated for everyone to see. It was almost a status symbol to be seen reading the book in public places. It's one of the few times since women "won" her right to orgasm in the 1970s that she put her sexual needs first.
As for inevitable conservative backlash here's what I think: Society still isn't comfortable with a woman flaunting her sexuality. Especially when she gets turned on by certain fantasies that are seen as taboo'ish. I really don't believe today's woman is sexually emancipated and the backlash telling her she shouldn't like this sort of book is simple proof.
Many long-term couples are stuck in a romance rut -- they love their partner but don't know how/ what to do to make things interesting. Suddenly someone hands her a book and says, "You've got to read this" and it awakens her sensuality. FSG opened up a world for a lot of women that they never knew existed. And it felt good to connect with her partner (and with her sexual self) at that level.
How could that possibly be bad or wrong?
Being titillated by erotica is as natural as breathing, and an incredibly easy and healthy way to get turned on.
If Fifty Shades of Grey doesn't appeal to you please don't give up on erotica. This book may not be your thing, but there are a lot of other story lines that might.
And for the sake of women's sexual emancipation world wide -- sorry to be dramatic, but I feel that strongly --simply ignore the media when they tell you it is harmful. It's not.
Reading erotica and being titillated is good. Very good.
]]>The 20 Things I Learned About Sex After Babytag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.23810092012-12-31T08:12:17-05:002013-03-02T05:12:02-05:00Trina Readhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/trina-read/Six Month Sex Challenge."
My motivation was simple: after having my first son -- who was 26 months at the time -- trying to get sex back on track was, at times, a complete gong show. And that was with me making a concerted effort to have sex at least once a week.
With baby number two, I decided to make sex after a 'work' project. For six months I attempted to have sex with my husband at least once a week. (And for the record, I couldn't believe the number of people who thought sex once a week wasn't enough. Really? It was a tricky trying to fit in a shower let alone hot sex with my husband.)
But not just any old sex. Oh no.
I upped the ante by trying out all different sorts of ideas every week like erotic massage, sex toys and sexy board games to see how and if they work. As well, once a week the sex was all about me and the alternative week the sex was all about my husband.
We saw how having scheduled and planned out sex worked through exhaustion, teething, flu season and all the other things that got in the way of great sex with two small children.
Six Month Sex Challenge in Retrospect
In one of those rare quiet moments it hit me just how much happened in six months -- from positive to negative. Flashes ranging from being so exhausted I seriously thought I was going to lose my mind, to being incredibly happy that I was making efforts, to fights over sex (god!), to extremely tender moments.
The six months were truly a roller-coaster ride and I've learned why it is just so darn difficult to have sex after baby. I also appreciate why it's important to make the effort.
Here Are the 20 Things I Learned About Having Sex After Baby
(1) Having a decent sex life is work and takes effort. The days of spontaneous sex are over...at least for the next 18 years.
(2) For at least the first six months, it probably won't be the best sex of your life...or even close.
(3) There will be fights over sex, even if you're having sex.
(4) Whatever couple challenges you didn't resolve before baby, will ultimately be magnified once baby arrives...and it will affect a woman's will, want and desire for sex.
(5) Sex is so much more than having intercourse. And in fact, at this juncture there needs to be more emphasis on intimacy rather than sex.
(6) You need to get into the habit, or at the very least communicate about sex early. The longer you leave it, the longer it will sit between the two of you like the big white elephant in the room.
(7) Unless you look for time to spend with your partner whether you are having sex or not, it won't happen.
(8) Finding a mutually agreed upon time -- some might call this scheduled sex -- like baby's nap time is the best way to make sure sex happens.
(9) Ladies, you have to think like a man when it comes to sex: that is, you've got to have sex on your terms and not feel guilty taking what you want.
(10) Which means you have to figure out what you want out of the sexual experience -- generally it's about being nurtured -- and communicate that to your partner.
(11) When the sex is all about what you want, it will re-energize you.
(12) Having sex is not static (i.e. once a week); rather a constantly evolving entity that needs to be nurtured and respected as much as your new baby's evolution.
(13) There will never be a perfect time to have sex.
(14) Therefore, you need to have "despite" sex. Despite everything that's going on, you'll make an effort to make time for each other.
(15) It's important to mix things up and bring new ideas in.
(16) All your creative energy can't go into your kids. Some of it has to be reserved for your partnership.
(17) You can't let excuses get in the way. It's way too easy to say, "I'm tired" because you genuinely are tired. Soon though it may turn into an excuse you automatically use without thinking.
(18) Be careful to not consistently have five-minute quickie/"maintenance sex."
(19) Sometimes sex will energize you and you will remember why it's fun to have.
(20) It's probably the only time you're going to be close, so enjoy and make the most of your time together.
Like anything else in life, sex after baby isn't difficult but it does take two people committed to their relationship.
WATCH:
]]>OK Ladies, Time to Start Loving Your Vaginastag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.23228002012-12-19T11:00:28-05:002013-02-18T05:12:01-05:00Trina Readhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/trina-read/The Sex Doctors , Dr. Brian Parker and Dr. Trina Read, discuss the difference between men and women's genital image.
Dr. Brian's Point
So Trina, we've already discussed that 80 per cent of women aren't happy when they look in the mirror, but what do you chicks think about your vulvas?
Research shows that you girls don't dig your precious as much as we men love our tools. Twenty-two per cent of you don't like the smell of your privates, while only 3 per cent of guys think their wiener smells like "mouldy cheese." And, plenty of you buy into the douching routine. In fact, a study sponsored by Summer's Eve (hello?!) found that women have better genital image if they had control over their bodies' freshness.
Studies have also found that a lot of you girls don't like the texture and amount of your pubic hair. What the heck is happening down there ladies?
As a man, I can't blame you girls for thinking your genitals look "weird." Society perpetuates this myth, does it not Trina?
When we compare slang words for penis and vulva it is easy to see that a guy's piece (dong, dick, stick, sword) is powerful. Slang for a woman's tender regions aren't so positive: beaver, box, beef curtains, and bearded clam don't sound too appealing. As a male, I think it is important to note that it is mainly men who use these slang terms and the ones who keep these myths afloat.
Most men connect daily with theirs and we know that women do that a quarter less then men. A dude's tube is external whereas most of your nether region is internal. A boy gets to know his pee-pee at a very early age. For you ladies out there who have seen a baby boy get his diaper changed you've probably noticed that the first thing little Johnny grabs is his junior. Why you ask? Because it is full of nerve endings and it feels good.
Boys also learn to touch their stick when they get potty trained. He becomes very familiar with his dingle-dangle by puberty. Weekly, he'll check himself out in the mirror and see what's happening down there. How many of you girls have taken a good look at your mid-section?
Trina, when are you girls going to stop worrying about being stinky or having an afro jetting out your shorts? Us men don't care and neither should you.
Dr. Trina's Counterpoint
This is a difficult one Brian, because there's a lot of "rah-rah, love your vulva" literature out there. But I believe it's going to take a generation (or 10) before women can start claiming this message as true.
When The Vagina Monologues burst onto the scene in the 1990s it was big news. Women naming their vaginas was weirdness itself. Those women reclaiming the "c" word to make it acceptable were just plain on the fringe. Women left that play in droves feeling empowered to love their vulvas.
Somehow, sadly, not much has changed with how women feel about their va-jay-jays. And it really doesn't help that hugely influential people like Oprah can only say "va-jay-jay" -- it perpetuates poor body image and puts the cause back into the dark ages.
In past workshops I've asked women to draw their vulvas. Besides looking at me like I've lost my mind, participants thought the exercise rather gross. Brian, women drawing their vulvas shouldn't be any different then, say, drawing another body part like their hand.
The late Mary Calderone, PhD, called it a woman's "doughnut hold sensibility." That is women tend to ignore their vulvas until it's time to have sex.
Or on the other end of the spectrum are those women who are self conscious because their inner and outer vaginal lips aren't symmetrical. Many have considered surgery. Heck, I'm not sure there is such a thing as a symmetrical pair of lips on any living female. But I digress.
There's myriad other ideologies that stop women from having a healthy relationship with their privates including: negative socialization, lack of education and exposure when young, stigma when admitting they masturbate -- in fact, most women can't even call it masturbation, they have to call it "self-pleasuring" -- and the list goes on and on.
Vulva stigma is not something that will be solved overnight; rather, because vulva loathing runs so deep it must be chipped away at over time.
Take heart Brian, a new generation of moms is taking a mirror into the bathtub and showing her daughter her vulva. Explaining what it is and letting her take a good look. These moms aren't calling it "wee-wee" or "peach" but rather its proper biological name. These are small steps that will make a huge impact when her daughter grows up.
Bottom line: until the average gal can have a positive relationship with her vulva, enjoying sex to the maximum will probably be out of her grasp.
]]>Some of My Penis Pet Peevestag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.22515202012-12-07T12:58:18-05:002013-02-06T05:12:01-05:00Trina Readhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/trina-read/
Throughout my youth, I was both fascinated and jealous of the relationship men had with their penises. Real men did, but good girls never. No wonder Freud called it penis envy.
As a result you could have knocked me over with a feather when I found out men are just as uptight about their penises as women are about their vulvas. It's just a different kind of uptight.
A man's very identity is wrapped up in his penis. It is both the visible evidence of his virility and his ultimate power symbol. Every known society has shrouded the penis in some form of hero worship. Therefore, if a man is not up to the "social standard" with his penis size, his hardness, his giddy-up, or his durability during sex, he is made to feel less than.
Not surprisingly, then, the size of a man's penis becomes one of his life-long super big insecurities. I have counselled too-many-to-count men, explaining that Mother Nature made the vaginal canal about the same length as an average sized penis -- 5 to 7 inches. It is a made-to-fit order. However, talking to these men is like talking to a brick wall.
To be fair, the only time a man gets to see another man's erect penis is by watching porno movies. These porno penises become the average guy's unrealistic penis role models. The irony is: men who have large penises complain to me how women gasp -- not in pleasure, but rather in dismay when they first set eyes on his organ.
Then there is the "showers or growers" complex. When men are walking around naked in the locker room supposedly not looking at one another's penises, there are some men who are larger when flaccid: "showers." Other men have the "acorn syndrome" or are "growers," which means they are smaller when flaccid. However, when erect, all these penises are all about the same size.
How about penis wording? We use the word impotent, meaning "without power," to describe a man who is unable to have or sustain an erection. In addition, have you ever considered that there is no such thing as a sexy semi-hard penis? Our whacked-out belief system perpetuates that, when there is no erection, there can be no sex.
Men are somehow hard-wired to believe that, if they do not get a "rock hard" erection like they did when they were 17 there is something wrong with them. Think of how many million Viagra prescriptions were given out last year. The truth is: as a man ages, so does his penis. It takes a little longer for him to get erect, it becomes flaccid more easily and it takes longer to reach ejaculation.
How about the myth that a real man's penis never gets nervous, anxious, angry or tired? It somehow springs to attention at a moment's notice, and never becomes flaccid during sex.
Temporary impotence happens to every single man at some point. If he is not feeling sexy, the hydraulics will probably not work. Plus when a man's penis is not receiving direct stimulation during sex, it probably will go temporarily flaccid -- because he's concentrating on other activities.
Here are some other penis pet peeves of mine.
Penis Pet Peeve #1
I used to be offended that men could openly touch, scratch, yank, grab, and adjust themselves in public. I now feel sorry for men who have this obtrusive thing that constantly needs scratching, yanking, and adjusting.
Penis Pet Peeve #2
I resented that men could write their name in the snow. I now realize that, as they write, they will experience shrinkage -- resembling a button on a fur coat.
Penis Pet Peeve #3
I thought it unfair that people sympathized with the penis having a mind of its own. Then I recalled a boy having a spontaneous erection during gym class. We gals could not take our eyes off his pants. I am sure 20-plus years later, the boy is still mortified.
Penis Pet Peeve #4
And it really is too bad that, as soon as a man drives a nice car, the size of his manhood comes into question.
Gosh, that 5 to 7 inches of flesh sure has a lot to live up to. Hopefully everyone can become a little more realistic in their expectations of it.
In closing, I want to answer the burning question on everyone's mind: why do so many men name their penises? Would you want to be bossed around by somebody you didn't know?
]]>And the Award For Best Orgasm Goes To...tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.16000072012-06-15T12:23:53-04:002012-08-15T05:12:05-04:00Trina Readhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/trina-read/the vaginal or clitoral orgasm. Regrettably, their high-brow ponderings have left the average gal in their wake wondering whether her orgasm is either real or even the best one.
Too many women believe there is something sexually wrong with them because they aren't able to have an orgasm during intercourse. Or they can't have a G-spot orgasm. How did all of this orgasm craziness get started?
The clitoral orgasm is achieved by direct stimulation of the clitoris, which has between 6,000 to 8,000 nerve endings. This dense cluster of nerves is triggered by direct, localized stimulation via fingers, tongue, sex toys, or by masturbation. Clitoral orgasms are typically described as "higher" and "intense." Sometimes, post-orgasm, the clitoris feels as if it has been over stimulated.
A vaginal orgasm, on the other hand, is achieved via stimulation of the vaginal canal. Hot spots include: the (still being debated) G-Spot, the lower interior vaginal walls and the cervix. Because the surface area is bigger, vaginal orgasms are usually described as "deep" and "relaxing" and are usually followed by a profound sense of calm.
It was Sigmund Freud who started this debilitating orgasm debate. Grudgingly, I have to give Freud credit for popularizing the fact that there were two types of orgasms. However, with this, he also theorized that an orgasm experienced through clitoral stimulation was the precursor of a deeper, more satisfying orgasm experienced in the vaginal canal during penetration.
According to Freud, the vaginal orgasm was a feminine and more mature sexual response, while the clitoral orgasm was masculine, immature and inferior. And a married woman who truly loved her husband could easily and naturally "transfer" the pleasurable feelings she had from her clitoris to her vagina during penile penetration.
It was of no consequence that Freud did not have any scientific proof -- this whole idea was concocted by his powers of supposition.
Freud and his disciples took the vaginal orgasm idea and wrote many academic papers on the topic, making it "scientifically" sound. Soon, the hard-to-win-over scientific and medical communities embraced the theory that vaginal orgasm was superior.
Now let's get back to the average woman and witness how Freud's ideas have impacted her sexuality. For more than half a century, women tried unsuccessfully to be good lovers by transferring their inferior clitoral orgasm to the mature vagina. Surprise! A great number of women ended up in therapy with Freud or his disciples and given the label of "sexual dysfunction."
It wasn't until the 1940s when sex researcher Dr. Alfred Kinsey risked all to take thousands of men and women's sex histories. Through his interviews, Kinsey concluded that a huge percentage of women were not having and could not have vaginal orgasms. Kinsey lashed out against Freud's unproven theory. However, to this day, Kinsey's research is controversial and the medical community was in no way swayed.
Then in the 1960s, sex researchers Masters and Johnson (M & J) decided to test Kinsey's findings in the laboratory. M & J concluded that the majority of their female subjects could only achieve clitoral orgasm while a small minority achieved vaginal orgasm.
Brilliantly, M & J's findings coincided with the feminist movement. To put it mildly, feminists were furious that Freud, one man, could have messed up women's minds, orgasms and sex lives for so many generations. Feminists went on a zealous campaign to gain back rightful respect for the clitoral orgasm.
The fight was not an easy one. Dr. Mary Jane Sherfey, a Freudian psychiatrist, published The Nature and Evolution of Female Sexuality in 1966. Bravely, her book questioned, dismantled and then disproved Freud's orgasm theory. The hostility from the scientific community was immense.
Thanks to those few feminists who made a big noise, most women today feel comfortable having a clitoral orgasm. Yet there is still a lot of confusion and misunderstanding surrounding whether they are missing out on the bigger vaginal orgasm experience.
Part of it is triggered by pop culture's latest craze of promoting the G-Spot orgasm as superior to a clitoral orgasm. As well, romance novels and movies often depict woman being completely orgasmic with no foreplay and only penile penetration.
The question remains: Is there a best kind of orgasm?The answer would have to be: absolutely not. An orgasm is an orgasm is an orgasm, regardless of how it manifests itself. All that matters is she enjoys herself in the process. Orgasm debate over.]]>He Likes Blow-up Dolls... So What?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2012:/theblog//3.11834392012-01-04T15:52:44-05:002012-03-05T05:12:02-05:00Trina Readhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/trina-read/sex show in Vancouver, a colleague mentioned a discussion with her morning waiter from our hotel restaurant. He confessed to her that no woman he has yet met was "perfect" enough for him.
As such he decided the best compromise was to buy a perfectly proportioned blow-up doll. Problem was it was going to cost him over $10,000 (USD). He had been saving from his two waitering jobs and had almost come up with the entire amount. He was eagerly anticipating when he would finally be able to have his perfect woman.
What I found interesting was my colleague's reaction. She is in the business of selling sex paraphernalia and yet she was mildly disgusted with this man's intentions. From her reaction, I assumed he was some overt pervert let loose in Vancouver.
As fate would have it, the next morning this man was my waiter. To my surprise he was extremely courteous and polite; in fact, he was the epitome of professionalism. As I covertly watched him under lowered lashes, I could tell he treated his fellow female (and male) staff with the same level of respect.
It seemed to me he was a nice guy who happened to want sex with a blow-up doll.
Fetishes are definitely something people don't understand and therefore label as deviant. Because these people don't toe the what-is-socially-acceptable-for-sexual-behaviour line (i.e. heterosexual monogamous sex) they are automatically labelled as freaks.
Case in point. When writing a newspaper article, I listed off "normal sexual behaviours"; on that list was BDSM and fetishes, among other things. My editor removed it because as she explained, "I went to the newsroom guys and asked them if they thought these were "normal sexual behaviours" and they all agreed they were not."
So, some newsroom guys who have no training in sexuality get to be judge and jury to what the public gets to read. Meanwhile, letting people wrap their minds around what are healthy sexual pursuits gets edited out.
Some people have certain proclivities that make them sexually aroused -- like BDMS, feet fetishes, or latex fetishes, or blow-up dolls. So what?
As long as they are safe, sane and consensual with what they are doing, then there should be no reason to judge that person. Yet we still do -- even people in the sex industry who deal with this all the time are judging.
You (yes, you) mingle with fetish people on a daily basis. It's only when you find out what they are up to behind closed doors that things get weird for you.
I appreciate complete sexual tolerance will never be something I will see in my lifetime. Ironic, as people feel they are liberal enough when it comes to sex.]]>Cyber Sex Can Be Relationship-Friendlytag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.10883402011-11-14T13:42:32-05:002012-01-14T05:12:02-05:00Trina Readhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/trina-read/
After the laughter subsided, her mood completely shifted. Angrily she confided, "And then a few months later I found him with his pants down in front of the computer looking at nude pictures." There was a nervous hesitation and then, "I could never trust him after that. And the mistrust was a big reason why we split up."
I was writing about cyber sex and asking the 'regular Jane' how she felt about it. Everyone -- I mean everyone -- assumed there was something wrong or missing in a relationship in order for an individual to turn to sex on the Internet.
Of course this could be true. However, it never occurred to any of them that cyber sex could be a healthy sexual outlet for someone in a happy, stable relationship.
Something else became crystal clear: cyber sex is a contentious and complex couple issue. Perhaps for good reason. But then again, it shouldn't become a relationship deal breaker.
I can appreciate that a male partner looking at nude photos of bodacious beauties -- secretly -- on the Internet is enough to shake up even the most confident gal.
However, it's my belief that the real trouble comes when couples are not willing to tackle the 'relationship communication' necessary to successfully navigate through this.
Here's the deal with cyber sex
Most people automatically assume engaging in cyber sex equates to deviant behaviour. In truth, the stigma around cyber sex comes down to a lot of unknowns which makes it seem threatening.
Plus, the Internet is a relatively new medium which naturally makes for a blurred line of what is acceptable sexual behaviour.
Is cyber sex considered cheating?
Maybe. It always comes down to the people involved. First, you need to assess your situation and decide whether cyber sex is a once in a while thing, or if it happens frequently enough to get in the way of your relationship.
Going online is once in a awhile
You don't have to like or accept this; but you do have to understand that if you give a 'you can never do this' ultimatum, chances are your partner will still do it. Behind your back.
Instead, you need to discuss it and come to an agreement on a few things. The first being: what does the term 'having sex' mean to you? Is it flirting, intercourse, oral sex, self pleasuring? Until you can figure this out, it's almost impossible to go to step two.
Next, you need to set boundaries on what is acceptable behaviour within your partner's online relationship(s) and your personal relationship.
Then go online together, just once, to see what it's about. That way when you have your 'relationship communication,' it will be infinitely easier to set those all important boundaries.
Going online is happening all the time
So you're in the bedroom wanting to have time together and your partner is busy jacking off in front of their computer. All the time. This is where you need to sit down and have a frank conversation about how your partner's behaviour is affecting your happiness. If the conversations just aren't working, it's time to seek out counselling.
Is it the sex or the secrecy?
I believe it's the secrecy of your partner engaging in virtual sex that causes the majority of the difficulty -- if not devastation -- to a relationship. I appreciate that it's difficult to bring up that you want to dabble in cyber sex, but it's even more difficult to try and resolve an issue of mistrust.
Last word on cyber sex
Believe it or not, there are many benefits to cyber sex. Not only is it safe sex, it's an easy way for someone to discover a hidden desire and become less sexually inhibited. As well, if you think you might want to try out a sexual fantasy, it's a safe way to see if it suits you.
Perhaps one day, cyber sex might become as acceptable as fantasy or role play; another safe sex way to titillate the imagination. My guess is, however, it will be many, many years before that happens.]]>Is Sex Addiction Real?tag:www.huffingtonpost.com,2011:/theblog//3.10076372011-10-28T09:07:10-04:002011-12-28T05:12:01-05:00Trina Readhttp://www.huffingtonpost.com/trina-read/
But what does a small matter like possibly misdiagnosing a celebrity have to do with it when it gets in the way of selling headlines?
And what a dangerous predicament it has created for the average couple's sexual health.
There are two camps when it comes to sex addiction: those who believe it is a real affliction, and those who don't. I'm obviously in the 'don't' camp.
Sexual addiction is, in my opinion, an easy and convenient label for a very complicated problem. As it stands, I think there is a lack of empirical evidence and scientific agreement on whether such a condition even exists.
Dr. Marty Klein, a leading expert in this field of psychotherapy, gives the best explanation about sex addiction in this video.
You see, I think the trick to defining sex addiction is to determine 'normal' sexual pursuits. An exercise in subjectivity as every person has their own comfort level and preference: some people want sex three times a day (or more), some have exotic tastes, and others favour vanilla sex.
Consequently, it's extremely difficult to do any scientific study that can set guidelines to say what are acceptable ways to express sexuality.
That said, when you look at what sex addiction advocates have developed over the last 15 years, I think their standards are a moral judgement -- rather than a scientific conclusion -- based around a heterosexual, monogamous, long-term sex lifestyle. I think that any other forms of sexual expression outside these boundaries could be construed as a sex addiction.
Apparently a lot of people agree with this belief system as we see the term popping up all over the media. In fact, Oprah and Dr. Phil have christened it as a real condition. Dr. Drew Pinsky had an incredibly popular television show helping B-list celebrities. Sex addiction does make fantastic TV viewing.
Why don't you see if you are a sex addict by taking the Carne's online sex addiction test. Chances are, if you've done anything outside the norm, you are indeed a sex addict.
But don't worry if you are. I believe you can self-cure. It's usually involves twelve steps, a religious awakening and modifying your sexual behavior (not abstaining like a proper addiction would dictate).
Not surprisingly, all this media attention has filtered down to the average couple. I get countless inquiries from people asking how to help their 'sex addicted' partner. When they explain their situation, I find it's usually a gross self-misdiagnosis: "I've caught him looking at porn on his computer. I think he's an addict."
When you self-diagnose, it's difficult to impartially gage if the behavior is obsessive and harmful to you and your partner, or, more likely, you're uncomfortable with the behavior and don't know how to manage the circumstance.
I do believe there are people who are obsessive compulsive about sex and cause severe stress on family, friends, loved ones and their work environment. These people do need to seek out help. Yet, it's been my experience this is the rare exception and not the norm.
So the next time you read that someone in the news has a sex addiction, please take it with a grain of salt. Most likely they don't. It's about feeding the insatiable public its next salacious headline rather than giving people a proper sex education.]]>