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I Failed My Juice Cleanse (And You Can Too!)

04/20/2013 09:04 EDT | Updated 06/20/2013 05:12 EDT
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"You're going on a juice cleanse?" my coworker asked me. "Remind me to stay far away from you until you break down and scarf a whole pizza."

She wasn't being mean, snarky or implying that I'm a nightmare when hungry. I mean, except she was definitely implying the last part. I don't at all ever call myself a foodie but believe me when I say I love my food. And I've been known to get a wee bit cranky when any food I'm craving isn't directly in front of my face in a timely matter. Not the good kind of food either. I like things to be deep fried, greasy, salty and so incredibly bad for me. That way I get to consume a big ol' bucket of guilt right after I indulge the Fatty McButter pants who lives in my stomach.

It was that big bucket of guilt (which tastes like chicken, if you must know) that pushed me to seriously consider the offering of a raw juice cleanse from a PR friend. I'm not going to lie, as much as I love and adore being able to test out everything from workouts to beauty products to food, I had to give my newest challenge some serious consideration. I mean, juice, just juice for THREE GODDAMN DAYS?? Who has that kind of willpower?

Ladies and gents, I can officially confirm that I do NOT have that kind of willpower in any way, shape or form. Not three days worth. In fact, I have exactly six and a half hours of willpower.

OK. That's a lie. I don't exactly have a full seven and a half hours of willpower because I broke down and ate a spring roll three hours in okay? Jeez, you guys are relentless.

I had hoped to write an article about how awesome the cleanse was, how great I felt afterward, how yes, I was a bit hungry but thinking of how many toxins I had flushed out was gratification enough.

Unfortunately, I'll never get to write that article because I failed. I failed hard and miserably. The juicers weren't the delicious blend of strawberries and bananas like I had assumed they would be, my hunger pains weren't as delayed as I had hoped they'd be and the migraines from the lack of coffee (which you need to stop drinking the day BEFORE you even start) were a lot more vengeful than I was warned they'd be. By the end of my work day, I was literally salivating at the thought of ANYTHING I could digest by chewing. One drink in and I was texting friends saying "I'm so over liquids, like forever."

I think the clincher was when one friend (who was kind enough to be brutally honest) texted back just to let me know that sometimes these cleanses give you the runs.

So not only would I be a headache-having, hunger-pain enduring, peeing-every-ten-minutes crank, but I would also get to have diarrhea? Who are the people that do this on the regular??

So instead, this article is for those girls (and guys) who feel like quitters when they bail on a diet/work out/cleanse early on. Trust me, you have nothing to feel bad about. You know what's awesome? Eating solids. You know what feels good? Not having to stare longingly at other peoples lunches. You know what isn't horribly embarrassing? When your stomach doesn't growl all Jurassic-Park-3D-like during a work meeting.

While I'm sure that a juice cleanse has a lot of bonus points that I glossed over when reading the website, it's just not for me. If you've read my past articles that detail my Work Out Diaries, then you know it's hard for me to stick to something especially if it's marginally not enjoyable. Weirdly enough, I was actually really excited to test out the flavours (apparently there are over 900 of them) and be able to brag about something in my life that has a modicum of health attached to it.

However, I've come to terms with the fact that I won't be that girl who gets to brag about raw food, weight dropped, calories burned and a leaking anus.

But I'm fine with that.

Here's an idea of my thought process during this moment of madness:

-I never even though that I'd have to carry these damn bottles to work. They're kind of freakin' heavy! Do people on juice cleanses even have enough strength to carry this?

-My hip is definitely bruised. I feel sexier already. *grumble*

-One bottle every 90 minutes?? Seriously? I won't have time for anything else. This is like that '8 glasses of water a day' nonsense. Do I start counting the 90 minutes from when I open a bottle or when I finish one?

-Come on Bianca, you have taken shots of vodka, you're tougher than this juice. Just close your eyes and drink it. Or get a straw. Yes, definitely get a straw.

-I am so behind on my drinks. By this rate I'll have to shotgun three tonight at 9 just to make up for it.

-One spring roll. Just one. No one will know.

-Oh my god, wheatgrass? This is my nightmare.

-Cucumber, spinach, Lemon, apple, parsley? None of that sounds appealing.

-Who in God's name were you fooling when you signed on to do this??

-Carrot, fennel, dandelion, ginger, lemons apple, kale. Dandelion? This can't be a real thing. I'm giving up fried foods so I can ingest flowers?

-Haha yes, was definitely kidding when I offered my unborn child for a slice of pizza. Ha. Ha. I mean...what if I threw in my soul?

-"Hey Bee, heard you're on a juice cleanse. Be prepared for when that stuff makes you pee out your ass!" Yup, I'm out.