Hey Bianca, it's me, your inner voice. How are you girl? Super cute plaid pants today!
I realize we chat all the time (and should probably cut that out since people around us stare) but it's time we got real. Every year you make the dumbest New Year's resolutions and I laugh myself into a coma because they're the absolute worst. Twenty-five push-ups a day? No makeup for a week every month? No snacks after 6 p.m.? Writing in a journal?
You're too funny.
Anyway, this year it's going to be different. I'm setting our resolutions this time and you're going to follow them or so help me I'll make you think chopping all your hair off is a good idea. Again.
1. Put. Away. Your. Clothes!
I'm sick and tired watching you trip over boxes of shoes and stacks of hangers because you leave everything on the floor/your bed. Granted, it's hilarious as hell and you've perfected the sailor swearing but it's getting to Hoarders proportions. The last thing I want is for you to lift up a pile of clothes a year from now and find a dead cat under there. We don't even own a cat!
2. Stop chewing those cuticles.
Take up knitting, stamp collecting, smoking or even crack but just stop picking at your cuticles. It's too friggin' gross to look at! Remember in the summer when we stopped for a bit and your fingers looked so pretty? What the hell happened? Now they're back to their red, cracked ways and not even that super cute red sparkle nail polish can help you. But I think you know we hit rock bottom when you gnawed our thumb during a job interview.
3. Go out more.
We're young! Why are you such a hermit? I know you hate the cold and traveling makes you homicidal but seriously girl, people are starting to wonder about us. Go to the movies, see a show, watch a concert, and for the love of god, go to your friends' birthday parties. You're such a bitch sometimes!
4. Stop declaring that every new lip colour will be your "signature."
Get over yourself. You're not Coco Chanel.
5. Throw out some shoes.
Trust me, this will hurt me just as much as it will hurt you. Yes, we've curated a fabulous collection of footwear but let's drop a truth bomb: we wear MAYBE 15 per cent of that collection. Donate what you don't like any more and stop buying impractical shoes when it's cold. You're going to make us lose a toe to frostbite one of these days!
6. Start buying real pants.
Don't think I haven't noticed that we haven't worn a pair of real jeans since you bought that first pair of jeggings...three years ago. I've let it slide because they're comfy and I do love how they tuck easily into boots but enough is enough. We have plenty of cute slacks and flared jeans. Stop the madness.
7. Get your love of boots under control.
Speaking of great boots, we have quite enough thank you. True, there was a time when a good pair was seriously lacking from our shoe department but that drought is over. I know you know that it's over. We bought some fabulous boots this year so no need to go peeking in the boot sections of shoe stores. Which reminds me...
8. Take better care of your stuff.
Why don't we go out and buy some of that protective spray that salesgirls are always trying to sell? You keep saying you have some but the last time I remember buying a can was when we got our first ever pair of Uggs. In high school. Spray your boots, untangle your necklaces, keep your phone away from water and don't let your makeup dry out. Dummy.
9. Comb your hair more.
I've come to terms with the whole "I don't like washing my hair, dirty is better" deal you have going on but seriously Bee, you have to start picking up a brush more often. I know you love Mary-Kate's look but it got her a skeevy 43-year-old guy so it can't be all that. Plus, we're all aware that you found a bobby pin in that nest three days after you last used a bobby pin.
10. Be more diligent with your Workout Diaries!
You started this series to get in better shape. That ain't happening if you do one damn workout every other week. You are literally the laziest person ever! Get off your ass, unclench your hand from around your phone and do a fun/weird workout. You'll feel better, I'll feel better and all those jeans you refuse to wear will fit better. Seriously, I'm throwing out the jeggings while you sleep.
That's all I can do Outer Bianca. I'm setting these goals hoping you'll try to hit at least a few of them. Next year we'll try to tackle all the things about you that piss off people who don't live in your head.
Follow Bianca Teixeira on Twitter: www.twitter.com/BeeLauraTee