It's funny how things you never considered before just start to feel right. When I finished school and was starting out in the working world still living with my parents, I didn't worry much about when I should move out or where I would live. Some things just happen by natural progression. I met my boyfriend (now my husband), and after a few years together he raised the idea of us finding a house. So we did -- the same house I now sit in while typing.
Once we moved in together, people started asking the questions all people seem to: marriage, kids -- when is that happening? I used to look at them like they were crazy and felt their expectations were a bit rushed. I figured, we'd get married if and when we were ready. On the second anniversary of living together, I received a proposal -- one I certainly wasn't expecting -- but I couldn't imagine any other answer but yes. Throughout our engagement and even at the wedding, everyone from family to not-so-close friends made comments and posed questions about kids.
Kids fall under the category of something you do "when the time is right." But how do you know when that time is? A few years ago, I would have scoffed at the idea of being married and a homeowner, and now I'm both and happy to be. Almost a year into our marriage, we've had frequent conversations about kids. Do we want them? (Yes we do.) Are we ready now? (Not quite.)
I tend to think financial responsibility is a major deciding factor between me and potential offspring. My current employment situation is temporary and my job future is uncertain at best. I've made attempts to change this, but in an economy where everyone and everything seems to be getting cut back, it's easier said than done. To me, it's not responsible to plan a family if you don't know where your paycheques will be coming from (if at all) in a few short months, not to mention the need for maternity leave.
But financial reasons aside, how do you know when you're ready? How long do you enjoy being married and newlyweds before you take the plunge into dedicating pretty much the next 18 years of your life to someone else? I still love to buy clothes, go to concerts and there are so many places I want to travel (Italy, Ireland, the Universal Harry Potter Experience) without taking a baby on an airplane with me. But then again...
A few months ago we went to visit friends of ours, a married couple for a few years now who just had a baby daughter. She's about eight-months-old, tiny and sweet and I fell in love with her. Even though she wasn't feeling well and was fussy and cranky, she was so beautiful. When she settled a little and I was able to hold her, we bounced around and she looked up at me with these big blue eyes before fluttering off to sleep with her little hand on my chest. I swear I felt my heart skip a beat and a feeling stirring inside me I've never had before.
I know now more than ever that I want a baby, maybe even more than one someday. But can you ever be completely ready? Can you ever know for sure?
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Oddly enough years ago when I boldly announced I didn't intend to have children, the most vicious comments came from mothers who were unhappy in their lives '
But the most supportive came from two women who were the best mothers I ever saw. The adored their children and reared them with love and careful discipline ensuring all of them their best chance at a good life. And all their children grew up wonderfully well,
They both defended me against comments that I was selfish or didn't respect mothers with the absolute truth. Which was that I recognized motherhood as the toughest job in the world ... that respect was so overewheming that I didn't want to risk failure."
I put back though .... by being one heck of a good teacher., And loving every minute of it.
I personally recommend that you live as if your husband were the only breadwinner paying the mortgage and all expenses out of his salary while using your entire salary to overpay the mortgage and finish it off as fast as possible.
Then when you get pregnant and lose your income you actually feel like you have more money because you have what you were living on before *plus* what he was paying towards the mortgage. This vastly reduces the financial stress most couples experience when their lifestyle crashes and burns due to lack of the second income plus the expense of the baby. Instead of feeling like you have less than half of the money you used to have, you feel like you have about 50% **more** money than you used to have ( cause base mortgage payments was probably about a third of his take home pay before you paid off the mortgage ).
And really, the stress of the new baby is enough. Counteracting it by being (comparatively) flush with cash is a good move. You can afford to do things like get a sitter and take nights off with your hubby guilt free etc and you'll need the break now and then.
Also, if things go bad, you are pretty much guaranteed to get the house in the divorce that way.
Nobody is ever "ready" to be a parent, because you cannot understand the job till you have that baby.
As one professor told me "If you wait till you're ready to have kids, you will never have kids"
Of course for women, there's that window of "after I'm married and secure, before I'm 35". Other questions are unanswered, you don't know how long you'll have to "try" before you have a baby (some couples take years) and how many kids do you want? The dynamic is vastly different between having an "only child" (good part - you have double coverage, bad part - you need to set up play dates for your kid) or multiple kids (good part - they have companions, they don't depend on you for entertainment, bad part - you use the "prevent defense")
Good luck with all that!
Birth control is available. Please use it. Someone who wants to travel without the nuisance of a baby is CLEARLY not mature enough to take on the responsibility of caring for a new life. And if you think your love and care of a child ends on their 18th birthday, PLEASE don't burden yourself with a child.
You are still too immature and selfish to be a mother.
maybe just maybe because you CANT have children?
Pregnancy is no small matter for a woman's body and the weight gain is rooted deep in the evolution of the species, not a matter of choice. Long before we had grocery stores and a regular, safe food supply, a woman's body stored extra calories as fat to continue to burn while she fed her baby in times of drought or diminished food supplies. While we no longer need to do that, our bodies haven't changed their programming.
As to staying home with the baby as a crutch--you are CLEARLY not mature enough to be a father. If you are not prepared to allow the mother of your child the opportunity to raise your child PLEASE don't procreate. Not that your attitude will bring any decent woman close enough to you to want to consider that possibility.
If you're not able to support a child without welfare ...NO
If you expect your parents to help you with time or money ....NO
If your marriage isn't rock solid .... NO
If you want time for yourself ... think long and hard
I remember one man telling me how his entire life changed after his wife became pregnant. The fun and shared time disappeared. It was far more of a change than he'd ever dreamed. Most people ignore the impact pregnancy has on the male. For many it is a very rude awakening and totally unexpected. Think about this too and be sure you BOTH want a baby if you're married and want to stay that way.
Your post says more about you really.
The first three warnings ARE for immature youngsters
The last two are reasoned thinking,
And you clearly agree with me "It depends on who you are married to."
How many people have had rude awakenings after their marriages? Many. With many surprises they didn't expect before tying that knot.
To say that a marriage should be solid and that preganancy isn't aways the joy expected doesn't mark me as an uncouth young man. It marks someone who realizes the truth .. and that pregnancy is a huge responsbillity not to be taken lightly.
BTW I'm a senior female, A teacher. Before you leap to judgment consider your own life. If you are happy and have had a supportive partner and chidren who made you proud, you should be humble and grateful. For many other women, their family lives haven't been so happy. Having a child is the biggest responsibility ... and the biggest change a couple will ever live through. Suspend criticism of those who think differently and have seen difference scenarios.
NOBODY thinks its ideal to have a child out of wedlock while the are unemployed. BUT IT HAPPENS. and alot can change in 9 months.
you could have been married with an awesome job and 6 months into pregnancy you get laid off and find out your husband is gay. Things happen. Do what feels right with a little bit of common sense.
http://homewithmommy-fran.blogspot.com/ there is a mix of posts, some about Zach, some about motherhood, some about my diet and experiences. Soon I'll post what I learned about ttc how toos like BBT, OPKs ect..... a guide for those trying. some are on my views about news.
As to your 'own dime', you moved in with your parents. Hardly your "own dime."
Most people if they live long enough are lonely and die alone. Even with family, many spend those last years alone as the younger people have their own lives.
if you want a child, make sure you really want it for the right reasons. That you love children and enjoy being with them and nurturing them. That your life would be enriched by your giving to them .... not by what you get from them. That you can love that child, even if it never meets your expectations and disappoints you ( as we all do from time to time). That you feel that nurturing force deep inside yourself.
Never have a child in reponse to other people's attitudes. NEVER. They have no business in your life. I once asked a lady who was pressuring me if she'd sign a contract to babysit my baby for the next ten years at least once a week. She never discussed babies again with me.