Dear Colette,
Boy am I glad I stumbled upon you. Most especially the article on 'What to do when he won't pop the question'. I am with the love of my life, just at our two year anniversary, and have been so freaked out lately that a) I'm going to blow it by freaking out on him (again) because he hasn't proposed, or b) That he isn't proposing because he doesn't love me enough to make me his forever.
We had a two month break then got back together in January and he told me he wants to marry me and have babies with me, because I told him I couldn't be in this if that wasn't where we were going (he's 40 I'm 37...eek) but it's now been five months and I'm feeling very insecure and sad.
Help!Jennie
Sadness and insecurity are excellent signposts (like street signs) that are perfect for reminding us that we've lost sight of the truth. Use the signposts of sadness and insecurity as a reminder that it's time to look at things as they really are, not as you believe or expect them to be.
Our beliefs and expectations are influenced by the amount of time we spend worrying about the future or feeling guilty about the past. One of my favorite teachings to see things as they really are, is by Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now.
Tolle very simply reminds us that pain (in your case Jennie, the frustration you feel that your man won't propose) exists in the gap between where we are now and where we wish we were -- whether we wish we were in the future or the past. The truth is, the only real moment you ever have is now, so instead of wishing you were somewhere else, find gratitude and acceptance in this moment, now. Because if you do this in one moment, and then the next, and then the next, and the next... Well, then you're in a state of appreciation and gratitude for what IS, now. Always.
Whatever your preferred method (journaling, meditation, coaching), get clear on your thoughts. Because your thoughts affect your feelings, which affect your beliefs, which affect your actions (like freaking out on him again). So, be sure to get clear about what you're thinking, and change the thoughts that are causing you to feel insecure and sad.
A great way to release the insecurity and sadness you're feeling about his holdout on a proposal is to gain a deeper understanding as to why it is so important for you to be married. Ask yourself:
1) Where did I first learn that loving me "enough" means marriage?
2) Whose voice is it?
3) Is it true?
4) Is it really true?
5) What's the worst thing that could happen if I don't get what I want?
6) How can I relax into the unknown?
Support comes in many ways. A good friend or caring family member are surely always there to help.
He'll likely feel a whole lot less pressure to please you and actually have chance to come from his heart and propose because he wants to -- not because he feels he has to.
The Result: You get what you want and he gets to feel like he made the choice.
Lots of love,
Follow Colette Kenney on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@colettekenney
Good advice but when you close with "The Result: You get what you want and he gets to feel like he made the choice" it ultimately seems like manipulation and that is unhealthy in any relationship.
My guess is that this guy is not going to marry Jennie. If he were in his early-20's and still not sure if he wanted to be married, that would be one thing. But Jennie's been dating him since he was in his mid-30's and most men by that time know (a) if they even want to be married, EVER, and (b) if they do, they know the qualities they are looking for in a wife. And smart people who know these things ONLY date people who are also looking to be married and have the qualities they are looking for. There's no sense in dating outside of those criteria.
This guy is either playing her or he's genuinely wishy-washy - either way, Jennie deserves better. And, Jennie, can I just ask this rather obvious question? Why don't you ask this guy to marry you instead of waiting around for him like a puppy? If he says yes, then start making wedding plans. If he says no, or if he's unsure, then kick him to the curb and go find the man you want and deserve.
Keep your money,be friends,be happy.99% of people I know that have gotten married end in a battle ,it's a waste of time and money,your Lawyer will say ,"get married,see you in court",oh I need my money first please!
I recommend that they not get married. Marriage should be the public celebration of a no-matter-what commitment that already exists, not the desperate attempt to impose one that doesn't.
Does he know how to care for someone? Has he ever had a family commitment to daily care, or for someone's health, like a parent. To me, these are the valid questions to ask about a man his age, never married, who is so reluctant to propose after it's already been discussed. He has an un-realistic sense of time and timing as well.
None of this makes him a bad person or a bad choice, but you should go into it with your eyes wide open...he may never be the family man he thinks he is offering you. It just may not be in him.
But do you want to be dragging him, emotionally, down every path? It forces you to overfunction and mother the whole family, which seldom works out well unless that power balance is right for you both, not just one of you.
Put up or shut up is the way to go. Ask.
Men can apprciate the straithforward path, especially when dealing with women.
But onlyyou can judge what the best approach is based on his unique personality.
You may be right, but why is it that "the guy" is the problem? I think the point of the article is that we all project a reality onto things that may not be accurate. Maybe this guy is afraid to commit, sure, but maybe the woman is acting in ways that makes the guy suspicious or she is otherwise subconciously undermining her goal (by freaking out) and appearing overly needy.
Your words make me think of women who fall for the trap that men are in charge. A man can't solve a woman's problems. He can only go along for the ride and provide support.
Neediness... That's gotta be one of the biggest turn off's - for men and women alike.
I wholeheartedly agree with you. If she's been needy and demanding about marriage it's not his fault he hasn't proposed. In some ways he's a pure saint to have stuck around this long. Most men would have walked away long ago.
It just goes to show that he sees SOMETHING amazing in her that's keeping him around, despite all the pressure and neediness. If she could just relax and yes, TRUST herself, I can guarantee things would change - for the better.