Boy am I glad I stumbled upon you. Most especially the article on 'What to do when he won't pop the question'. I am with the love of my life, just at our two year anniversary, and have been so freaked out lately that a) I'm going to blow it by freaking out on him (again) because he hasn't proposed, or b) That he isn't proposing because he doesn't love me enough to make me his forever.
We had a two month break then got back together in January and he told me he wants to marry me and have babies with me, because I told him I couldn't be in this if that wasn't where we were going (he's 40 I'm 37...eek) but it's now been five months and I'm feeling very insecure and sad.
Dear Jennie,Thanks so much for your question -- it's a remarkably common one that comes up often, and in myriad forms. Being that you have already read 'What to do when he won't pop the question' and you're still struggling with fear and insecurity about your guy asking you to marry him, all that's left for you to do now is: TRUST. Seems overly simple, I know. But not to worry because I've got an acronym for TRUST that I think you'll find endlessly helpful.
T -- Teachings"We do not see things as they are. We see them as we are." -- The Talmud
Sadness and insecurity are excellent signposts (like street signs) that are perfect for reminding us that we've lost sight of the truth. Use the signposts of sadness and insecurity as a reminder that it's time to look at things as they really are, not as you believe or expect them to be.
Our beliefs and expectations are influenced by the amount of time we spend worrying about the future or feeling guilty about the past. One of my favorite teachings to see things as they really are, is by Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now.
Tolle very simply reminds us that pain (in your case Jennie, the frustration you feel that your man won't propose) exists in the gap between where we are now and where we wish we were -- whether we wish we were in the future or the past. The truth is, the only real moment you ever have is now, so instead of wishing you were somewhere else, find gratitude and acceptance in this moment, now. Because if you do this in one moment, and then the next, and then the next, and the next... Well, then you're in a state of appreciation and gratitude for what IS, now. Always.
R -- RealizationOne of the biggest frustrations in life is trying to control the things that are out of our control. You may already know that there is only one thing you have absolute control over in life -- and that one thing isn't even you! No, in reality, the only thing you have absolute control over in your life is your thoughts.
Whatever your preferred method (journaling, meditation, coaching), get clear on your thoughts. Because your thoughts affect your feelings, which affect your beliefs, which affect your actions (like freaking out on him again). So, be sure to get clear about what you're thinking, and change the thoughts that are causing you to feel insecure and sad.
U -- UnderstandingYou may have heard that no two people see the world in the exact same way -- it's not possible because we can never look at the exact same thing, at the exact same time, from the exact same position. Not to mention the fact that anything we do look at is filtered through the lenses of our diverse backgrounds, unique life experiences, and varied upbringings.
A great way to release the insecurity and sadness you're feeling about his holdout on a proposal is to gain a deeper understanding as to why it is so important for you to be married. Ask yourself:
1) Where did I first learn that loving me "enough" means marriage?
2) Whose voice is it?
3) Is it true?
4) Is it really true?
5) What's the worst thing that could happen if I don't get what I want?
6) How can I relax into the unknown?
S -- SupportThere is this really fantastic saying that goes "what you focus on expands." If you find that you just can't seem to keep your thoughts from sinking into the low vibration of "what is he waiting for?!?" then the best thing for you to do is reach out for support. Because if you focus on him holding out on his proposal, you will only get more of him holding out. But, if you begin to focus on what you DO have and then if you appreciate what that IS, well then you'll at least get to enjoy your life in the process of him figuring things out.
Support comes in many ways. A good friend or caring family member are surely always there to help.
T -- TranquilityThis one's easy. With TRUST comes Tranquility. Once you've done all of the above you get to rest easy and go lightly. Do the work and you'll find that nothing -- no matter what it is -- will be able to rock your boat.
What's the benefit of all this work?!?
He'll likely feel a whole lot less pressure to please you and actually have chance to come from his heart and propose because he wants to -- not because he feels he has to.
The Result: You get what you want and he gets to feel like he made the choice.
Follow Colette Kenney on Twitter: www.twitter.com/@karmingle