Dear Colette, I've been online dating for a few years now and I'm sad to report that I haven't had all that much luck. And these days I'm finding it really hard to stay positive because not only are the men I'm interested in not interested in me, but when I write to the men I'd like to know better, their replies are either nonexistent or downright mean.
I know the reason that they do this: Men are visual, and I'm not all that much to look at. I know that. It's been this way my whole life. And in my case, it's not just a matter of losing a few pounds or getting a bit of plastic surgery to correct a large nose or sunken chin. I'm not and never will be the image of beauty in the eyes of men. But I am a great person. I know I am with all of my heart. The proof is in all of the amazing friends that I have. So my question is: what is a woman like me to do when men are visual and I can't get them to look deeper to know my true beauty on the inside? -- Love, Undateable
Dear Undateable,
Thank you so much for posting your question. When I first read it I will admit feeling a little dumbfounded about how to answer. Because really, what is a single woman to do when single men won't give her the time of day? It's a tough one. And at first, I thought it might be too tough to tackle. But after mulling it over, long and hard, here are my thoughts on the matter:
Picture or No Picture?
In the online dating world, your picture is paramount. It's your marketing plan. It's your calling card. Most people, men and women alike, won't give you a second glance if you don't have a picture on your profile to evaluate. So, the question is, when you're not all that much to look at, do you post your picture, or don't you? I think you do. Here's why:
The purpose of online dating is to meet a good man. A man you would consider spending time with, possibly even your life with. And although there are millions of available men online, the reality is, it only takes one. So rather than worry about attracting mounds of men to your no-picture profile, why not put yourself out there, the real you, in all of your gutsy glory? Sure, you may not get many messages, but the ones you do get could lead somewhere good.
Have Faith in Men
Whether you've got a gorgeous grin or not, if the online dating thing is going to work for you, you've got to have faith in men. You've got to hold the belief that there IS a man out there who is mature enough to see beyond your body and willing enough to experience your essence within. These men DO exist and you've got to believe it, if you ever hope to see it.
Value Your Self and Your Worth
Just because you're not a prize-winning beauty queen doesn't mean you deserve to be treated like less than royalty. Many women lacking in looks will lower their standards to be with a man, any man, even if he treats her like garbage. Don't do this. You deserve to be treated like the gold that you are, even if your male miner has to dig beneath your surface to find it.
Perseverance, Persistence, and Patience
It's true that there are men who can be mean, especially if you insult their self-perceived greatness by messaging them with your "homely" hello. Don't let their meanness get to you. No matter what. And when you feel like you're about to sink as low as their remarks, be sure to
watch this video made by Lizzie, girl voted the ugliest woman on YouTube. If that's not the harshest thing you've ever heard, I can't imagine what is. But Lizzie didn't let it get her down. If anything, it lifted her up. She's an amazing young woman,
someone we can all learn from. Watch her video and then go back to having faith in men. You may not be able to control what men say to you, but keeping your head high and having faith in men is the one thing you CAN do to attract your Mr. Right to you.
Live and Love Your Life
Family. Friends. Career. Free time. You've likely got all of these things and that's a great start to a good life. Now what are you passionate about? Have you discovered your purpose? What is your unique gift? How do you love to spend your time? What makes time disappear? Finding your answer to these questions is a great way to live and love your life now, not in the future when some man graces you with his presence.
Have a Go-to Pick-Me-Up
When the going gets tough, have a top-notch place to go. Whether it's reading a book that lifts your spirits, talking to a good friend, getting in touch with your true self, or some other motivating practice, have a go-to pick-me-up that allows you to feel your down mood, but not wallow in it. The self-proclaimed pity party does nothing but keep you stuck in a sulky state and that's the antithesis of living and loving your life, now.
Trust That Everything is Perfect and Purposeful
In my life, and in the lives of those that I have coached, we often want things that we just don't get. Whether it's selling a house that you want to sell, or getting the job or promotion you're certain you deserve, or even something as remote as winning the lottery. If you've been relying on the Law of Attraction to "get" the relationship you want and it just isn't happening, my wish for you is that you find a way to appreciate what *is*. Eckhart Tolle, author of
The Power of Now says that suffering exists in the *gap* between what you want, and what you currently have.
To be happy *now* all you have to do is appreciate and accept what currently *is*.
And if you're doing this, PLUS:
- Putting yourself out there,
- Maintaining your faith in men,
- Keeping your spirits up,
- Squashing any sabotaging thoughts, and
- Living and loving your life.
Well... That IS the recipe for finding true love, and beyond that, all that's left is *timing*.
And unfortunately, no amount of *doing* can change that.
So, my dear Undateable, I wish you all the best in this moment *now*, and every moment going forward.
Lotsa Love,
If you would like personalized support to help you stay positive as you journey from "me" to "we" I'd love to hear from you! Contact me: Click Here
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Finally, a picture, multiple ones in fact, are important, but even alledgedly unattractive people can help themself out a great deal in the photo category. First, if meeting Mr. (or Mrs.) Right is important enough to spend thousands of dollars searching, it's also worth going to a professional photo studio for a quality portrait to use as your main profile picture. Then, get friends to help you take some interesting and flattering snapshots doing activities you enjoy. Don't be deceptive about who you are or what you look like, but there is nothing wrong with "staging" some pics to represent who you are and what you like to do. Also, make sure to keep the pics only of you...having friends or (even worse) children in the pictures with you is confusing and sends a message you aren't ready to send right at the start.
With some thought, effort, and creativity, you can find your special someone!
One of the biggest problems many women have with on-line dating is not their picture, but what they put in their profiles. If you have the words "honest person," "lying," "cheating," or "no game-players" in your profile, you are doomed. You sound bitter and distrustful...not fun and exciting. Sharing your past dating/relationship stories (even vaguely) will kill any chances of meeting a quality guy...if you think it's a topic that would be bad to bring up in a first face-to-face meeting, keep it out of your profile.
Second, and this is really important, remember that your profile needs to stand out from all the rest, and to do that, you have to be CREATIVE. So you say you like movies? Everybody does...what do you like and WHY? You like to go out and have fun but also enjoy quiet evenings at home? So what, this describes pretty much EVERYONE. If you want to stand out, you have do something others are not...don't just put a boring list of hobbies on your profile, tell a story about yourself that is unique, memorable, and might just click perfectly with that special something.
Yes! you've got it!! A great profile is more about telling a great story - in one-line captions than it is saying I am honest, open-hearted, fun loving... Really? Tell me a story that shows me why. Then at least that way you've given me something interesting to work with when I want to compose a message to you to say "hi" :)
Thanks for you comment!
Keep 'em coming!
There are LOTS of pluses and a few minuses to online dating, and unfortunately the minuses (of rude people, people who ignore you, or meeting hopeless date after hopeless date) seem to outweigh these pluses.
The thing to remember is that online dating is no different than offline dating. Don't expect to go online for a month and find your soulmate. It's a process. It takes effort. It teaches you a LOT about you, and how you interact with others... There are many good things about it. Focus on the "good" and I promise you start to see more of the "good"
xo Colette
Much love,
Colette
If you're online, make sure that humor is reflected in how you present yourself and interact. And I dont' me self-deprecating humor.
Don't rely entirely with online. Men need to not only see you but hear your and watch you. So you need to get out there. Join some clubs in things that interest you that men might also like. A car club, a sports club. If you like to bike or hike, there are groups you can join. Participate in local politics if that is your thing. If you're young there's the junior chamber of commerce. There are also charities or becoming active in your church if you belong.
I would also recommend ballroom dancing. While women do usually outnumber men, not all of the men are husbands dragged to class. There are also single men. And a good instructor will require everyone rotate around to dance with everyone, no matter who they came with. This allows all the singles to dance. Many also go out to practice their new moves at local clubs so there is a social aspect. They'll also have parties.
I wouldn't rely on online to find someone. Face to face is still the best way.
And I think most people online are there because they're genuinely looking to connect with someone. Yes, there are jerks but there are surely a lot of men who genuinely want to find a good relationship.
It's hard to say without actually seeing this person but if you believe you're nothing special - it tends to show. And that right there might be the bigger problem. I watched the Lizzie video, but I didn't come away thinking she was unattractive. In fact, I think she's a very attractive person. What she lacks in conventional beauty is overshadowed by her personality and confidence.
I do agree with what you say about online being different - but I also believe that a lot of men involved in online dating are less concerned with looks by simple virtue of the fact that they are invested in finding a working relationship. The fact she's had NO luck, just makes me think there's more to it.
Your man will come when you least expect him. So in the meantime, do things for you so you keep on getting more and more awesome anyway.
There is also a lot we can do to enhance our appearance. Exercise improves confidence, posture, and gait; eating fruits and veggies makes skin glow; natural light makeup further evens out skin tone and subtly emphasizes eyes and lips; and certain hairstyles and clothing colors / styles are more flattering than others for each individual. In my experience, facial beauty and body shape contribute less to physical attractiveness than the combination of confidence, exercise, and flattering styling.
FYi, and maybe it is because I am not a "God", but I had a very difficult time online dating. Women were pretty much exactly as you described the men to be.
that said, I want you to hear that physical beauty is not all it is cracked up to be - Like Vernon Justice says. I'll be a little single-minded here, but I'd rather spend time with someone who has a sexy attitude than someone who looks sexy. Funny, it seems that the two sometimes seem mutually exclusive. The ones that look really hot think they can get by on that, at least much of the time. That doesn't mean don't look after yourself, though.
that probably doesn't help that much, but hope it encourages somehow.