Dear Colette, I've been online dating for a few years now and I'm sad to report that I haven't had all that much luck. And these days I'm finding it really hard to stay positive because not only are the men I'm interested in not interested in me, but when I write to the men I'd like to know better, their replies are either nonexistent or downright mean.
I know the reason that they do this: Men are visual, and I'm not all that much to look at. I know that. It's been this way my whole life. And in my case, it's not just a matter of losing a few pounds or getting a bit of plastic surgery to correct a large nose or sunken chin. I'm not and never will be the image of beauty in the eyes of men. But I am a great person. I know I am with all of my heart. The proof is in all of the amazing friends that I have. So my question is: what is a woman like me to do when men are visual and I can't get them to look deeper to know my true beauty on the inside? -- Love, Undateable
Dear Undateable,
Thank you so much for posting your question. When I first read it I will admit feeling a little dumbfounded about how to answer. Because really, what is a single woman to do when single men won't give her the time of day? It's a tough one. And at first, I thought it might be too tough to tackle. But after mulling it over, long and hard, here are my thoughts on the matter:
Picture or No Picture?
In the online dating world, your picture is paramount. It's your marketing plan. It's your calling card. Most people, men and women alike, won't give you a second glance if you don't have a picture on your profile to evaluate. So, the question is, when you're not all that much to look at, do you post your picture, or don't you? I think you do. Here's why:
The purpose of online dating is to meet a good man. A man you would consider spending time with, possibly even your life with. And although there are millions of available men online, the reality is, it only takes one. So rather than worry about attracting mounds of men to your no-picture profile, why not put yourself out there, the real you, in all of your gutsy glory? Sure, you may not get many messages, but the ones you do get could lead somewhere good.
Have Faith in Men
Whether you've got a gorgeous grin or not, if the online dating thing is going to work for you, you've got to have faith in men. You've got to hold the belief that there IS a man out there who is mature enough to see beyond your body and willing enough to experience your essence within. These men DO exist and you've got to believe it, if you ever hope to see it.
Value Your Self and Your Worth
Just because you're not a prize-winning beauty queen doesn't mean you deserve to be treated like less than royalty. Many women lacking in looks will lower their standards to be with a man, any man, even if he treats her like garbage. Don't do this. You deserve to be treated like the gold that you are, even if your male miner has to dig beneath your surface to find it.
Perseverance, Persistence, and Patience
It's true that there are men who can be mean, especially if you insult their self-perceived greatness by messaging them with your "homely" hello. Don't let their meanness get to you. No matter what. And when you feel like you're about to sink as low as their remarks, be sure to watch this video made by Lizzie, girl voted the ugliest woman on YouTube. If that's not the harshest thing you've ever heard, I can't imagine what is. But Lizzie didn't let it get her down. If anything, it lifted her up. She's an amazing young woman, someone we can all learn from. Watch her video and then go back to having faith in men. You may not be able to control what men say to you, but keeping your head high and having faith in men is the one thing you CAN do to attract your Mr. Right to you.
Live and Love Your Life
Family. Friends. Career. Free time. You've likely got all of these things and that's a great start to a good life. Now what are you passionate about? Have you discovered your purpose? What is your unique gift? How do you love to spend your time? What makes time disappear? Finding your answer to these questions is a great way to live and love your life now, not in the future when some man graces you with his presence.
Have a Go-to Pick-Me-Up
When the going gets tough, have a top-notch place to go. Whether it's reading a book that lifts your spirits, talking to a good friend, getting in touch with your true self, or some other motivating practice, have a go-to pick-me-up that allows you to feel your down mood, but not wallow in it. The self-proclaimed pity party does nothing but keep you stuck in a sulky state and that's the antithesis of living and loving your life, now.
Trust That Everything is Perfect and Purposeful
In my life, and in the lives of those that I have coached, we often want things that we just don't get. Whether it's selling a house that you want to sell, or getting the job or promotion you're certain you deserve, or even something as remote as winning the lottery. If you've been relying on the Law of Attraction to "get" the relationship you want and it just isn't happening, my wish for you is that you find a way to appreciate what *is*. Eckhart Tolle, author of The Power of Now says that suffering exists in the *gap* between what you want, and what you currently have.
To be happy *now* all you have to do is appreciate and accept what currently *is*.
And if you're doing this, PLUS:
- Putting yourself out there,
- Maintaining your faith in men,
- Keeping your spirits up,
- Squashing any sabotaging thoughts, and
- Living and loving your life.
Well... That IS the recipe for finding true love, and beyond that, all that's left is *timing*.
And unfortunately, no amount of *doing* can change that.
So, my dear Undateable, I wish you all the best in this moment *now*, and every moment going forward.
Lotsa Love,
If you would like personalized support to help you stay positive as you journey from "me" to "we" I'd love to hear from you! Contact me: Click Here