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Danko Jones


In Praise of the Gourmet Burger

Posted: 02/23/2013 4:59 pm

Since McDonald's fast food restaurants were brought to their knees by Morgan Spurlock's "Supersize Me" documentary, patronage has dropped quite considerably. Despite people's growing aversion to the golden arches, the collective craving for a hamburger hasn't diminished. What's helped satiate the ground beef patty itch is the recent trend of the gourmet burger.

Even though they're three to four times more expensive than their Mickey Dee counterparts, most of these burgers surpass it in taste by six to eight times. For naysayers, liken it to the day you wiped your ass on 3-ply toilet paper after a lifetime of using crumbling dollar store 1-ply sheets and maybe then you can start to understand the difference. Remember also the day you tried going back to said 1-ply paper and sadly realized you couldn't. The same can be said of the day you try your first perfectly made gourmet burger.

As the hamburger becomes a more accepted item on dinner menus, the compulsion to have the "best hamburger in town" will slowly become a mark of esteem rather than a blemish to the fine dining restaurant. In Toronto, we are seeing a hamburger renaissance where patrons are willing to wait in the blistering cold and/or fork over costly sums in order to bridge the gap between their plebeian palates and their refined urbanity. Raised eyebrows be damned for I am one of these people.

Recently, I visited Marben, a fine dining restaurant in downtown Toronto that, no matter how succulent the rest of the menu is, gets introduced with a "you gotta try their burger." "John's Burger", as it's plainly named, is deliberately presented like every other burger you'd order at a greasy joint except that it will make your Top Ten list of best hamburgers you've ever eaten in your life.

If you haven't eaten food in the last hour or so, its description alone may get you frothing at the mouth - braised short ribs shredded and then mixed inside red angus meat from local Dingo Farms. It's topped with aged cheddar and a Branston pickle spread. Describing it without using F words wouldn't do it justice.

Yet, as burger sophisticated as it gets with John's Burger from Marben, and as lowest common denominator as one can get with the Big Mac, signature sandwich of the McDonald's food corporation, there's one thing they both have in common that has arguably put them a cut above the rest - no Tomatoes.

I dislike tomatoes on hamburgers. Actually, I hate tomatoes on hamburgers. Don't get me wrong, BLTs, topping salads, tomato sauce or with mozzarella, tomatoes are fantastic. However, hamburgers are no place for tomatoes. Tomatoes, usually cut cold and placed chilled on top of a steaming hot beef patty makes for the most imperfect coupling in food preparation. It's like serving hot chocolate with ice cubes. Even the revolting "Hawaiian Pizza", with its pineapple topping, doesn't come close to this edible aberration. Does the proliferation of the "tomato-as-hamburger-topping" stem from a general hankering for the vegetable-like fruit or is it just an unconscious reflex after years of indoctrination?

For some reason there is a generally accepted selection of hamburger toppings that are automatically found on a burger and rarely with customer consultation - lettuce, mustard, ketchup and tomatoes. Even cheese, despite it being proven over and over again to increase the flavour of a hamburger from bland to scrumptious, is left to the customer to choose before ordering. While onions, due to societal dictates of one's breath, are cautiously ordered after the fact.

Whether it's hard as a rock or soft as a jellyfish, the consistency of a tomato can never compliment the hamburger. When cut crisp, its hardness ends up competing with the patty to unpalatable degrees, while when cut a tad overripe will inevitably sog up the bun; turning an otherwise delicious meal into a wet ball.

If people think they're offsetting their risk of heart disease, high blood pressure and diabetes when eating greased hamburgers by stuffing them with the healthy goodness of tomatoes then they're in for one rude awakening. Hell, you can put crushed multi-vitamins in place of chocolate sprinkles on your vanilla ice cream but you're still gonna gain weight.

What's weirder still is that ketchup, in its essence, is made out of tomatoes, thus already bestowing the burger with tomato flavour. Why, after adding a subtle and beloved tomato-like paste, would you add real tomatoes? It's like drinking orange flavoured Kool-Aid after eating an orange.

I'm well aware that there are bigger problems in the world but my contempt for tomatoes in hamburgers isn't a problem, it's a minor annoyance. Minor annoyances can be easily overlooked but not easily forgotten. Sometimes minor annoyances simmer quietly for years and most of the time left unsolved. But don't think for a second that anyone is above accumulating their own list of annoyances like - people who stand in doorways, people who answer a text with an email or vice versa, people who make left turns over yellow lines, people who deliberately sprinkle their speak with ebonics to sound hip, negative online comments with spelling mistakes...

Although, those are more grievances from my own list.

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  • McDonald's Grew During The Recession

    McDonald's had <a href="http://www.slate.com/articles/business/moneybox/2009/08/who_won_the_recession.html" target="_hplink">higher sales growth in 2008</a> than in 2006 or 2007, opening nearly 600 stores that year, according to Slate. The chain was able to take advantage of Americans' recession tastes: Cheap, convenient food.

  • They Handle Food That Isn't Really Food

    One <a href="http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/w2sv3/fast_food_workers_of_reddit_what_is_the_one_menu/" target="_hplink">Reddit user claiming to be an ex-McDonald's worker</a> said he once left a bag of chicken nuggets out on the counter for too long and "they melted. Into a pool of liquid." That didn't stop him from loving the nuggets, "still delicious," he wrote.

  • Fast Food Companies See Huge Profits On The Backs Of Low-Wage Workers

    More than <a href="http://www.nelp.org/page/-/Press Releases/2012/PR_MinWageCorpProfits.pdf?nocdn=1" target="_hplink">60 percent of low-wage workers</a> are employed by big corporations, according to a July analysis by the National Employment Law Project. And more than 90 percent of those companies were profitable last year.

  • The Average Pay For A Fast Food Worker In New York City Is $9 Per Hour

    Fast food workers in New York City make an <a href="http://blogs.villagevoice.com/forkintheroad/2012/11/fast_food_forward_strike_nyc.php" target="_hplink">average of $9 per hour</a>, according to the Village Voice. That comes to about $18,500 per year for full-time workers.

  • Fast Food Workers Are Unlikely To Get Paid Sick Days

    For 40 percent of private sector workers, <a href="http://articles.baltimoresun.com/2012-11-28/news/bs-ed-sick-leave-20121128_1_sick-days-care-workers-service-workers" target="_hplink">taking a sick day</a> and still getting paid isn't an option, according to the Baltimore Sun. Fast food workers are especially likely to be part of that 40 percent.

  • The Boss Can Threaten To Take Workers' Health Care Away

    Many fast food workers saw their health benefits put at risk this year, if they even had them at all. <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/11/09/papa-johns-obamacare-john-schnatter_n_2104202.html" target="_hplink">Papa John's CEO John Schnatter</a> said he would likely reduce some of his workers hours so that he wouldn't have to cover them in response to Obamacare. Jimmy John's founder, Jimmy John Liautaud told Fox News in October that <a href="http://www.foxnews.com/on-air/your-world-cavuto/2012/10/16/jimmy-johns-founder-business-owners-unsure-future" target="_hplink">he would "have to" cut workers' hours</a> so that he wasn't forced to cover them under Obamacare.

  • The Average Hourly Pay At Many Fast Food Eateries Is Less Than $8 An Hour

    The average hourly pay at McDonald's, Wendy's, Burger King and Taco Bell is less than $8 an hour, according to <a href="http://www.cnbc.com/id/50015355" target="_hplink">salary data cited by CNBC</a>.

  • The Median Age Of A Fast Food Worker Is 28

    As more workers fight for limited jobs, many older employees are gravitating towards the fast food industry. The median age of a fast <a href="http://www.theatlantic.com/business/archive/2012/11/mcjobs-should-pay-too-its-time-for-fast-food-workers-to-get-living-wages/265714/" target="_hplink">food worker is 28</a>, according to Bureau of Labor Statistics data cited by the Atlantic. For women, who make up two-thirds of the industry's employees, that age is 32.

  • Labor Leaders Rarely Try To Unionize Fast Food Workers

    Fast food worker's went on strike in late November in New York City, showcasing a rare effort to organize the industry's workers. Labor leaders often don't make an effort to organize these workers because the high turnover makes the challenge daunting.

  • Fast Food Workers Are The Lowest Paid Workers In NYC

    For all their work, fast food workers get very little dough. The lowest paid job category in New York City is "Combined Food Service and Preparation Workers, Including Fast Food," according to Bureau of Labor Department Statistics <a href="http://www.salon.com/2012/11/29/in_rare_strike_nyc_fast_food_workers_walk_out/" target="_hplink">cited by Salon</a>.


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