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Darlena Cunha


Tell Your Daughters They're Beautiful

Posted: 05/20/2013 12:33 pm

There's a lot of noise about women and physical beauty these days. From outrage over the sexification of Merida to outrage over the Dove Beauty Campaign commercials to outrage over Abercrombie and Fitch's ridiculous marketing strategy. It all has to do with looks, with physical perceptions of beauty, both our own and that of the world.

While many are looking outside, trying to fix the world, for a moment, I'd like to look inside. Because I'm hearing a lot of the old, "Stop telling little girls they're beautiful. You give them the idea that's the only thing life is about and that's the most important piece of their personality. You're part of the (huge) problem."

I don't agree with this. I don't think that complimenting a little girl on her looks chips away at her self-esteem. I cannot see how simply telling a girl she's pretty somehow translates into telling her she's not pretty enough. The problem, as I see it, isn't that parents or family or even strangers are remarking on physical attributes positively. The problem is beyond that. It's entrenched in a society that shows women with botox and boob jobs as prettier than the average girl. It's in the magazine spreads and celebrated celebrity lifestyles. It's in the television, as reality stars spend hours in the bathroom to get themselves ready for the next random hookup. It's not us. If anything, I think, our daughters need us to tell them they are pretty more now than ever.

I don't mean saying things like, "You'd be prettier if...," or "Let's try to do your hair this way to make you pretty." I also don't mean dwelling on it. Once is enough, per surge of emotion. No need to repeat it a thousand times. That makes the words lose their meaning. They lose their context. If you are a broken record, your compliments cease to be compliments and your daughter may begin to only hear, "pretty, pretty, pretty." Which is what the original fear is.

But there is another side of the coin that cannot be ignored. Our society, as it stands right now, is not blind to physical looks. To turn away from this does nothing to solve the problem. It will not help your little girl's self-esteem as she grows older. Yes, it's important to focus on her inner beauty and her skills, but there's no reason to pointedly ignore the physical. Because if you do ignore it, you'll be the only one. And you'll be leaving a gap where your daughter needs you most as she grows.

Because people are going to call her ugly. I don't care what she looks like, some jerk is going to come along and try to make her feel bad about herself. And while the thought that "looks aren't important, it's the beauty on the inside that counts" is true and important for her to know at every age, that's only going to help her when she's already a fully grown adult, when she's already determined who she is and what her personality is like, when she's already stable in her place in the world.

Looks aren't important, it's the beauty inside that counts. That's not going to help her when she's nine or 12 or 15. At those ages, how the outside world perceives you is important, and a parent ignoring looks will become just another example of how "mom doesn't understand me," or "mom doesn't want me to be happy."

These are treacherous years. During them, your daughter is going to need to know in her subconscious that she is beautiful, inside and out. The way to give her that nugget of truth is to tell her when she is young. So that when that A-hole comes along spouting filth about your daughter's looks, she doesn't have to rely on a philosophy too complex for her years to get her through. No, she'll be able to draw strength from a subconscious well of knowledge that she is, indeed, pretty. You told her so. Your friends told her so. Everyone she met from age 2 to now who is not this person (or these people, as the case may be) told her she was pretty. Her own self-esteem isn't developed enough to get her through the attacks unscathed, but with help from you in her growing years, she may find strength.

Little girls, teenaged girls and women in general should not have to worry about their looks, especially not obsessively like we've begun to do. But that doesn't change the way of the world, and your daughter needs your support in the world in which she lives, not in the ideal world in which you wish she lived.

So, yes, I will continue to tell my daughters they are beautiful. I will tell them every day. Because I feel it every day. And there will come a day when they no longer believe me. But my words to them now will be lodged in their subconscious minds. My words to them now, I hope, will form a base of knowledge from which they won't have to waver. I can only hope that they'll understand that looks are not everything, but that even so, they look beautiful. Always.

Why not be honest with our daughters? Instead of ignoring an ugly side of society that we don't like, hiding in the sand, why don't we face it head on, acknowledge it, and give it its proper place in our daughters' perspectives as they grow? Because without our guidance here, without our acknowledgement and understanding of this part of life, our daughters will be forced to figure it out all on their own. And the only people they'll have for help are those magazine spreads filled with botoxed beauties. The only people they'll have for help are those kids at the bus stop calling them names.

We need to be a positive force in our daughters' lives as they live, not as we wish they could live.

See more on parenting and feminism at Tales of an Unlikely Mother or follow along on Facebook.

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  • I Heart Me

    Choosing positive body image affirmations and repeating the to yourself twice a day can make a huge difference in the way you feel about yourself. Choose a phrase that particularly resonates with you, like "I am beautiful, inside and out" or "Every day in every way, I'm getting healthier and healthier," and repeat it to yourself 10 times aloud. Even if you don't believe it at first, your body-thinking will gradually start to become more and more positive as a result.

  • Feel-Good Foods

    Are you a strawberry lover or an almond addict? Make a list of the healthy, nutrient-rich foods that you already know you enjoy and try to incorporate them into your diet more often. Once you have a bunch of healthy favorites in your repertoire, branch out and be adventurous! Try new fruits, veggies, and other high-nutrient foods, and make sure you always have some in the kitchen for when you get hungry. You might be surprised how easy it is to replace junk food with delicious, healthy snacks!

  • Fun with Fitness

    Don't make exercising a punishment -- it's no fun to dread going to the gym, and having a negative attitude will make it a whole lot harder to stick to a workout regime. Instead of slaving away on the treadmill, try to have a good time being active. Find the workout you enjoy the most, whether it's dancing, yoga, running outside, or tennis, and find a time to practice it every week. You can also increase your enjoyment by making exercising a social activity, and bring your friends along to try a fun new class!

  • Time To Unwind

    Since stress is one of the main causes of depression and anxiety, managing your stress is one of the best things you can do for your mental and physical health. When the pressures of everyday life start making you feel anxious and overwhelmed, make a habit of taking a time-out until you calm down and feel better. Set aside some "me time" every week or even every day to unwind and do things that make you feel relaxed and calm, like writing in a journal, meditating, drawing, or even just reading for pleasure before bed.

  • Look on the Bright Side

    Instead of fixating on your flaws, try to focus on your good qualities. Make a list of things you love about yourself to repeat to yourself when you start getting self-critical. Being aware of negative self-talk and choosing to focus on what you love about yourself will help you to accept your flaws rather than obsess over them.

  • Healthy and Hydrated

    Staying hydrated is hugely important to being healthy -- drinking water aids in metabolism and helps to detoxify the body, among numerous other health benefits. Make a new year's resolution in 2012 to actually drink eight glasses of water each day. Once you feel the difference in your skin and energy levels (dehydration leads to fatigue), you'll be sure to tote a reusable water bottle around with you wherever you go.

  • Get Your Zzzz's

    Getting more sleep will make you feel better about everything -- including your body. Lack of sleep can contribute to depression, anxiety, irritability, and stress, not to mention headaches and fatigue. No matter how much homework you need to power through, try to call it a night before 11 or 12 p.m. on school nights. It's pretty difficult to look or feel good when you're chronically sleep-deprived.

  • Ditch the Toxic Friends

    It's a whole lot harder to be positive when you're surrounded by people who don't make you feel good about yourself. Having friends who love and accept you for who you are makes it easier to accept yourself, and will in turn boost your body confidence. In 2012, ditch the gossip girls and stick with your true pals!

  • Walk This Way

    Although walking isn't a form of vigorous exercise, it's a wonderful, easy way to get moving and to relax at the same time. Walking has been <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/walking/HQ01612" target="_hplink">shown</a> to improve mood and manage weight, among other health benefits. So instead of driving to your friend's house, spend 15-30 minutes walking over and feel instantly less stressed and more energized.

  • Curb the Caffeine

    After a late night study sesh, we know it's unthinkable not to grab a massive coffee the second you roll out of bed the next morning. But while it's totally fine to enjoy a cup of java once in a while, you shouldn't <em>need</em> coffee to wake up. Too much caffeine can <a href="http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/caffeine/NU00600" target="_hplink">lead to</a> anxiety, insomnia, irritability, and an upset stomach. Try switching to black, green, or herbal tea -- or better yet, fresh orange juice -- and soon you'll find that you can be energized in the morning without your usual double shot of espresso.


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