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Fly ToryAir

06/23/2013 11:30 EDT | Updated 08/21/2013 05:12 EDT

"Prime Minister's plane's new paint job looks pretty Conservative."

- Canada.com headline - June 7, 2013

"Good afternoon and welcome aboard ToryAir flight 13 to anywhere the Prime Minister feels like going. In view of recent Parliamentary developments, today we will definitely be departing an overheated Ottawa and may even be leaving the country entirely until such time as local hot spots cool off.

"Today's weather in Ottawa is unsettled with continuing opposition high pressure disturbances still causing problems in the Senate, the House, the Prime Minister's Office and the Tory caucus. Visibility is severely restricted and hindsight is nonexistent. Our moral compass is on an indeterminate setting.

"It is hoped that conditions will be more favorable outside of the nation's capital, particularly in western destinations such as Edmonton and Calgary. If not, we may have to alter our course for one or more foreign capitals.

"Our flying time today will be however long it takes to get to a place where they've never heard of Mike Duffy, Pamela Wallin, Arthur Porter, Robocalls and F-35 fighter jets. We'll be flying at an altitude of approximately one hundred feet in order to avoid detection by any media radar systems. Please remain securely buckled in your seats at all times as it may be necessary to take evasive action to elude any incoming opposition flak.

"Your pilot today is 36-year-old Ray Novak who has recently taken over from the former flight chief, Captain Nigel Wright. Although Captain Novak is new in his position, he has years of experience piloting the PMO through all manner of turbulence and disruptions.

"This aircraft is an Airbus CC-150 Polaris. It features a fuselage with two fixed wings although, the right wing is definitely more prominent than the left wing. The plane also has numerous cockpit and passenger windows, although few remain transparent.

"Regular passengers will have noticed a slight change in the exterior colour scheme of the plane. Instead of the previous gun-metal grey, the plane is now primarily white with a small red streak and a bright blue underbelly.

"Captain Novak wants you to know that the red, white and blue pattern is not meant in any way to represent the colours of the Conservative Party. If anything, it is simply the Prime Minister's way of paying homage to our British ancestors and our American cousins.

"The interior of the plane features a large prime ministerial swivel chair near the front to allow the occupant to keep a close eye on the other passengers. The remaining seats are arranged in twelve rows with a centrally-located aisle. In the back, you will notice several hanging straps to provide standing-room-only accommodation for members of the media who, alas, will not be flying with us today.

"There will be an elaborate meal service on board today's flight but we would appreciate it if you wouldn't mention it to anyone upon your return. Our motto at ToryAir is 'there's no free lunch' and we'd like to pretend it still applies.

"Prior to the meal service, we will be offering a complimentary beverage service and taking your orders for any of the items from our in-flight duty-free shop including jewellery, perfume and unconditional five-figure loans. Due to some recent minor problems, our new payment policy is cash only. No cheques please.

"Please note that this plane does not as yet have any emergency exits. Rest assured that Captain Novak and the other members of the PMO flight crew are desperately working on this matter and hope to have it rectified before the next election."

Originally published on Riotwire at http://riotwire.com/column/fly-toryair/

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