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God Sends Memo To U. S. Presidential Candidates

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REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES TRUMP RUBIO CRUZ
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MEMORANDUM

TO: All U. S. Presidential Candidates

FROM: God a.k.a. Jehovah, Allah, Supreme Being, The Big Guy Upstairs, et al.

When it comes to politics, ordinarily I don't like to get involved. After all, I've got a lot on my plate what with wars, famines and the widespread instability throughout the world.

And my desire for non-involvement goes double when it comes to American presidential politics. When you insist on running campaigns that last longer than the Great Flood, honestly I'd like to steer clear of the whole mess.

Sadly, you folks have made that impossible. Recent events dictate that I must temporarily set aside some of my divine duties and sort things out.

First of all, stop invoking my name to get votes. I've never heard so many candidates claim that they have a personal relationship with me. If you really did, I would expect you to keep it to yourself and not blab it to every Tom, Dick and Harry.

Second, I would really appreciate it if you would stop saying that God wants this or God wants that. The last time I looked, your governing document doesn't make any reference to me. If you want to support or oppose everything from abortion to gay marriage to Obamacare, go ahead; just don't involve me.

Please stop insulting, trashing and schlonging your fellow candidates. That's not the Christian, Islamic, Jewish, Hindu or Buddhist thing to do. And please, please, please don't use my name to promote a pro-gun agenda. I've worked for millennia to build a peace-loving reputation and I don't need you undermining it.


Third, please pay attention to your own governmental principles and, in particular, the separation of church and state. I've always found that to be a sensible approach. Otherwise, you tend to get repressive theocratic regimes and crazies like ISIS and the Taliban.



Fourth, while I'm flattered that all of you, except maybe Bernie, acknowledge my existence, I'm dubious about your dedication to my scriptural precepts. When I ask you to do unto others you seem to forget the second part -- i.e. -- as you would have them do unto you.



Please stop insulting, trashing and schlonging your fellow candidates. That's not the Christian, Islamic, Jewish, Hindu or Buddhist thing to do. And please, please, please don't use my name to promote a pro-gun agenda. I've worked for millennia to build a peace-loving reputation and I don't need you undermining it.



Finally, and I guess it was the last straw, stop taking on my representatives on Earth like that nice Pope Francis fellow and here I'm primarily talking to you Donald. If any of you want to ingratiate yourself to me, leave my friends alone. Maybe then I can get back to doing what I do best: listening to all the desperate prayers from your constituents.



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