So I made out with another woman's husband a couple of weeks ago.
That's right. This here divorce and dating expert got conned by a handsome, sweet- talking cheater.
Back up and let me explain:
It was 6 p.m. on a Tuesday night, right in the middle of the Calgary Stampede. The city -- and the bars -- were packed to the hilt; locals and tourists all playing cowboy/cowgirl.
Shortly after my girlfriends and I arrived at the bar, "Mr. Smooth" descended upon us, inviting us upstairs to a private company party. Off we went... and over the next half hour it became quickly transparent that Mr. Smooth was very interested in me.
He told me he was divorced. Not just divorced but happily divorced. He talked about his single life, his wonderful children, his fulfilling career...
The more I talked to him, the more my attraction to him grew. His energy, his smarts, were sucking me in. I knew he was from Edmonton, and I really don't like the out-of-town thing... but he kept commenting on how intense our 'emotional connection' was; how he really wanted to take me out for a proper elegant dinner and get to know me; how he wasn't just about wanting to have sex. (He also knew it was out of the question cause I had to get home to my kids.)
I'm not going to get into too much more detail; suffice it to say we spent the next seven hours together. Lots of talking, lots of major heavy petting, dancing, drinking, holding hands as we wandered through the bar. And I'll admit it -- I was pretty taken with him. That doesn't happen to me often. Though I'm sure the drinks I'd consumed helped things along...
The bomb came a day and half later. That's when I found out he was married. How? Not through him, I assure you. One of his friends accidentally let the cat out of the bag to one of my girlfriends.
I was mad. Not just mad, I was furious that this guy the audacity to lie to my face over and over all night long -- and he was so good at it. More than that, he mislead me. And for what? So he could feel a different set of boobs for a night? So he could feel like a stud? So what if it was Stampede time, so what if others say "anything goes" during that week. That was bullshit to me. This guy was out doing whatever in the hell he wanted, wasting my time, playing with MY body and MY brain, while meanwhile, I betcha he had a lovely, faithful, sweet wife at home waiting for him to text her goodnight.
Over the next few hours, old hurt resurfaced; my emotions were reacting so strongly I knew something past was being triggered in me: I could relate to 'her' -- how she'd be home waiting, trusting, taking care of the home, taking care of the kids... while husband dearest was out trying to f*** anything that moved.
(sigh)
I found her on Facebook. I looked at her photo and every cell in my body screamed, "You were her. You were her and no one told you for years of your husband's goings-on. Why would you, of all people, deprive her of that knowledge?"
So I wrote her. And I told her. More than that, we spoke on the phone. And when I got off the phone with her I cried. I cried cause I knew how hard it was for her to listen to what I said. I could feel my hands shaking and blood racing as if in unison with hers. I could feel her world crashing in. I could feel the piercing stab of betrayal through her heart.
But when my tears subsided and my blood calmed, I could only think of her final words to me: "Thank you. Thank you for having the courage to tell me."
And I held my shoulders back knowing I'd made the right choice -- for her and me.
Rabbi Shmuley Boteach: The New York Times' Questions Monogamy
Alexander Russo: There Is No Cheating "Crisis"
W. Hunter Roberts: Sexual Anarchy and Other Worries
Lori Bryant Woolridge: Living Delightfully Scandalous
Finding and telling her was a TRUE act of kindness.
What's so amazingly bizarre is that the people who lie to those closest to them... never experience the intimacy they so desperately want... and entirely as a result of being so dishonest.
Seriously, had Delaine not said anything, I am certain someone else would have. Just look at the man's friend; he went out of his way to tell Delaine's friend. Knowing him, he'd probably made suggestions to the wife prior to Delaine's confirmation. What a pal!
At any rate, the husband was wrong.
You didn't 'empowered' his wife with the truth, you inappropriately meddled in someone's else marriage, with only reason--to revenge you own humiliation and naivety.
Kudos on having the metaphoric balls to tell the wife. Surely difficult, but you don't want to leave him running around pulling the same thing on other people. If he has needs not being met at home, he needs to be a man and talk to his wife about it. If she cannot meet those needs, or sanction him looking elsewhere for them, they are going to have a challenged relationship. And as the outsider, you don't need any part of their drama.
I dont wanna be an evil,cheatin,lying, man just because I was born with a p#$3s. I'll take all critiques if im those things, but mos men aren't. Can't tell that from the womens section though.
She paints herself as the innocent victim here. The guy's undoubtedly a blockhead, but a series of bad decisions on her part were an essential factor as well. "Dating expert"? I hardly think so.
what bad decision did she make? to meet someone in a bar and have a good time after he insisted he was single? like every single person in the world?
she's completely innocent in the situation, and she did the right thing. the fact that you even have anything to criticize her for makes me think you're joing. yes, she is a dating expert. anyone who finds out a man is cheating on his wife should inform the wife. i think you're scared it might happen to you. make sure the girls you make out with don't find your wife on facebook.
As to your final comments, I won't even dignify them with a reply.
She goes to a bar with her girlfriends. As some have already commented here, not the best place to pick up someone unless it’s for a quickie, or at least not for a long-lasting relationship. Apparently knowing little about (or disregarding the pitfalls of) the "bar scene," especially during "Stampede time," when "anything goes," she accepts an invitation to a private company party from a man she's just met and about whom she knows nothing. She feels there is an emotional connection and spends seven hours with him drinking, dancing, holding hands, "lots of major heavy petting" (that seems to be a euphemism for “everything but sex”), letting him "feel a different set of b**bs," and admitting that she consumed too much alcohol. Sex was "out of the question" not because it would be a colossally dumb thing to do with a man she just met and knew nothing about, but because "I had to get home to my kids."
The funny part came later that night - He called me very angry asking "What did you tell her?!" I said "The truth". Ooo he was ma-a-a-a-ad. He tried to blame me for "ruining everything" but I quickly corrected him and informed him that actually HE "ruined everything" by cheating on his wife in the first place. That's when he hung up, and good riddance.
Amazingly enough, he called me about four months later tryng to convince me that he really WAS divorced now and wanted to get back together. I found myself checking my clothes for scuff marks from where I just fell off the turnip truck.
What *is* making you do that?
I guess it's good that us men are just so simple minded that we don't care for such rhetoric and posturing.
your opinion is humble. keep it to yourself.
you want to talk about rational judgment? are you seriously a male trying to talk down to women about rational judgment? as if cheating on your wife in a bar by lying through your teeth is rational? oh wait, i forgot. male behavior is never to be questioned.
yes, males are simple-minded, but not so simple-minded they forget how to lie. you're just mad women are calling you guys out. i guess it's good that women have morals and men don't. that's not rhetoric or posturing, that's called being a decent person. which you obviously cannot seem to process.
he was married, probably with kids. but since he's male he gets a free pass. get off your high horse.
Gonorrhea is caused by the bacteria Neisseria gonorrhoeae. The infection can be spread by contact with the vagina, penis, anus or mouth. So since it can be spread through the mouth, making out is all you need to do to catch it. Ditto for herpes.
So while he did get a little out of hand, he was semi-correct that she could have contracted an STD when making out with a man she hardly knew. It was rash, irresponsible and dangerous.
I agree with the first note, I hope she booked an appointment with her local clinic to get tested.
That must mean 'an expert at getting dates.' Some women just are; they trust everything every lying cheater out there tosses at them.
What they turn out to be is experts at telling you - through their experience - what to avoid. Thanks for that. I, um, guess.