What's really happening in the sex lives of divorced or single moms? Are they at home on Saturday nights watering their plants? Are they periodically dating, but adhering to a strict code of abstinence? Or are many moms choosing to date and take lovers -- perhaps until the next Mr. Right comes along (or not...)?
I admit that I did the latter: Post-divorce, I gave myself permission to explore myself, my sexuality and the dating trenches in ways I'd never imagined possible -- in satisfying and daring ways, too. The learning I experienced was immense; personal growth on every level. And replacing my self-effacing self-image of wife and mother roused a confidant, independent woman; one who could assert herself, make good choices and own the fiery side of herself.
But I also, very deliberately, kept my dating and sex life very quiet. A secret. One wrong set of ears and I knew I'd be headline news among moms at the school playground, for when it comes to sex and single motherhood, judgements can ring extra loud and venomously.
I know I'm not alone in my sexual exploration and awakenings -- friends and clients have shared with me some of their own. And contrary to what many may like to believe, these women aren't "acting up," riddled with insecurity, or simply "sluts." They are women of different ages with some life experience behind them; women who have realized that their sexuality is ultimately theirs to explore, own and take responsibility for; women who are devoted mothers and caring friends; everyday women who may even live on your street.
So what really is happening in the sex lives of divorced or single moms? Could this group of women, whom society likes to think of as chaste, be amidst a quiet sexual revolution or far from it?
You tell me.
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http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2012/01/24/teen-calls-police-mom-sex_n_1228055.html
Ok Fine.
But when a man who is divorced "explores his sexuality", doing what he wants, what do women have to say about him, in general? He is "immature"....or trying to "recapture his youth" ...etc etc. All negative. Uh huh. You know it to be true.
Sexism against men. Still fashionable.
I don't begrudge any other parent for doing it a little differently, but in my case, it's the better option. And not entirely for the children, but for me and my ex as well. What he doesn't know won't hurt me. Our separation is 99.9% amicable, and I'll do everything in my power to keep it that way. My children deserve it, and frankly so do I.
Sometimes I worry that THAT sends the wrong message too - that it means I don't believe in relationships or don't want one. So I've told them that sometimes mom dates but until I meet someone extra special, I'm not bringing him around them. They know they are my first priority, but I don't want any of them to believe mom doesn't want or need a special partner beyond them.
The circle of life.
The combination of maturity and sexual freedom is something every woman should experience. This is the first time in my life that I've had a fulfilling sex life and I'm happier than a college football player. Oh, and before I get any of those comments, my doctor just confirmed my clean bill of health today, thank you very much.
There is a way to have a swinging sex without parading all your partners in front of your kids-- sexual activity doesn't always have to occur at night or in your own home. Come on, people. Be creative. Be safe. And have sex. It's good for you.
It's frustrating at times to keep my 'companionship' secret (especially since the children are with me full time), and it really can't progress past what it really is, but my children's health and wellness comes first. The overall situation has helped me to become more confident, feel better about myself as a woman, and increased my competence as a mother .. because I really don't have anyone to fall back on, really. I struggle with the intense anger that I feel toward my X and the lifestyle he lives with complete disregard for our sons or my feelings and our mental health .. but he is the fool for it and will never get back the years he threw away.
You don't have to be celibate, you just have to be smart.
I don't know how old your kids are, but I've seen time and time again where in their early teens, kids take an active interest in the parent's past and current relationships. The parents are put into a position of saying "none of your business", which then trains the kids to be secretive about their own relationships, or they reveal that those dozens of Friday night sleepovers the kids were sent to were really so mom could boink the guy de jour.
"Mom, why haven't you remarried?" "I haven't found the right guy, honey." "Mom, I remember at least TEN guys you have dated since you left Dad!" (Mom counts under her breath and stops at 25). "Honey, this is none of your business. Go on!"
What has the child just learned? 1) Mom has been playing the field for years. 2) Mom doesn't want to reveal the reality of her life to her own child. The result? The child decides they will screw others with abandon, just like mom, and when mom asks where they are going or who they are seeing, it is none of her business.
Look around at society today, and you can see that this is *exactly* what goes on.
First you say that single moms are flaunting their sex lives, then you say that they are reticent. This supports the view that when it comes to sex and mothers, we are damned no matter what we do.
http://psycnet.apa.org/psycinfo/1981-01127-001
I know I wasn't secretive. I went out with so many women and was talking to so many more. I waited a while before I introduced my kids to my girlfriend, but eventually moved her in, with the greenlight from my ex wife as they live with me every other week and I didn't want to jeopardize my visitation. That was almost a year ago and now we're getting married.
Does if have an impact on the kids? YES! Do the parents care? No.
Another common element: the single parents have a phone tree of other single parents to whom they can send their kids on short notice for overnights when they want to stay at their f-buddy's place. I'm not kidding. A lot of times there end up being 4-5-6 kids staying the night in one person's house on a Friday night, all of them children of single parents who had a hot date. The group just rotates around to different houses. You scratch my back, I'll scratch yours. The amazing thing is that I've known several cases of this where the parent hosting the group of kids brings THEIR f-buddy home and disappears into the bedroom while the kids play video games!
This is why my kids NEVER spent the night at someone's house unless I knew the parent(s) and was confident they had a clue. Kids don't need to be exposed to that kind of activity.
I've seen the effects of this over and over again. My sister, my brother, several friends, in laws. The parents that put their kid's needs above their sex lives come out way ahead in the end.
Once the kids are adults, the parents can give full attention to a relationship with another person, resulting in a better relationship for them and a better role model for the kids. I've seen THREE different cases of parents not being responsible about relationships around their kids where one of the kids ends up pregnant in high school, and zero cases of that happening when the parents were at least extremely discreet about their partners. Small sample size? Sure, but ask any teen counselor about the impact of parents parading around their f-buddies and dumping the kids off so they can sleep over at f-buddies place on a regular basis when they are supposed to be parenting.
This article actually made me feel bad. I think the majority of my married male friends would welcome, heck, rejoice, if their wives would take it up a notch as far as sharing intimacy and sexuality within their marriage. What are they waiting for?
Perhaps this means that within a marriage where children are raised and a partnership is formed, it simply becomes too difficult to make that leap.
I have dated several divorced moms for short relationships - a few months - and they were indeed more free, more intimate, and more participatory than my very attractive and sexy former wife. Go figure - she had to leave me for me to get more of what I desired from her in our relationship.
There are so many factors that can contribute to women not being interested in sex, something I plan to speak to in a future article as I was one of them, too. That being said, it must be frustrating as hell for married men.
But here is what I know - the good married men I hang with (most married 20-30 years) would like just a few things; 1) for their wives to be comfortable in their own skin - be happy enough with their bodies to enjoy intimate time with their husbands. 2) actually participate in the lovemaking if she actually enjoys it and loves her husband. 3) be enthusiastic (at least a little) when having intimate time with her husband. 4) if it isn't working very well, talk about it, and work on it. If men and women can do 1 through 3, I gaurantee they will have more, and more fulfilling sex.
I know - I'm dreaming. But what do I care? I'm single.