The temperature is warming. There is a freshness in the air. New beginnings and thoughts turn to flights of fancy. It's springtime. Mating season. The call of the wild. Blogs and magazines and television and radio are filled with suggestions for women to spruce themselves up, "youngify" themselves. Get ready for the chase by getting a jump on the competition.
There are ads for face and butt lifts; breast and lip augmentations; hair and eyelash extensions; 57 varieties of diets and the best in body sculpting. You can take body fat from your posterior cheeks and plump up your facial cheeks. There's the laser to remove skin blemishes and hair and even belly fat. And of course, a little Botox, here; some Restylane there; derma fillers for those pesky wrinkles that come with age, and perhaps laughter.
Don't stop there; put the gild on the lily. Buy the latest in face and body creams, makeup that hides any flaws, while giving you that youthful glow. Now you can even get hair treatments that make your hair look younger, too. After that don't be shy; shop for the latest in clothing that will give you the aura of youth.
Sisters! Stop! I beg you; take a page from our animal friends.
In nature, the females are the gate-keepers of the gene pool. And they know it. They instinctively know that he needs her in order to continue his genetic line. The males do everything they can to attract the attention of the females. They have an instinctual drive to spread their sperm everywhere in hope of passing down their genes. Be a bird watcher. Watch the male spread his plumage, listen as he warbles in an exquisite voice, and look at his vibrant colours, like the bright red male cardinals who "woo" the females-who tend to be blah brown. Females in the animal kingdom don't worry about their looks. They ALL know, instinctively, that they are special and desired.
Just take a look at male peacocks plumping themselves up as they spread their magnificent tails.
"The large train is used in mating rituals and courtship displays. It can be arched into a magnificent fan that reaches across the bird's back and touches the ground on either side. Females are believed to choose their mates according to the size, color, and quality of these outrageous feather trains." The peahens are not fools. They are looking for the best genetic material to pass down along with theirs. And the males know they have to work hard to get the female's attention.
The males in the animal kingdom primp, plump up, sing, twirl, dance, chase and almost beg the females to look at them and choose them as their mates. They fight other males to show her his strength. All are saying, "Look at me, take me, I am the best!"
You know, there was a time, not that long ago when men dressed to kill. Ahh, Versailles. Circa 18th century.They adorned themselves in big, bouffant wigs, wore beautiful, brilliantly coloured brocade coats, large hats with plumes-like a peacock, fancy shoes and hose. They strutted their wares.
Then along came Freud. He wrote extensively about "penis envy." I personally believe that he did that to counter "vagina envy;" the male's deep-seated fear of women that goes back to the beginning of time.
I think that deep in the psyche of all men there is a fear of us; our power. There is a long repressed memory back to the time when humans left the cave and began to speak, and think in abstract terms. And they talked amongst themselves. Can you just imagine the conversation? A woman bleeds each month and does not die. A woman gives birth, bleeds profusely, but does not die. How can that be? Is it magic? Is it witchcraft? When men bleed they die if it isn't stopped in time. Quite a conundrum. This is scary!
Have to find a way to deal with this. So Freud solved the problem of male fear and came up with "penis envy." To make us feel incomplete and "less than." And because we are incomplete and less than, we spend our days, and our money completing ourselves. And fighting over men.
Unfortunately, human females have lost this most important connection to nature: Their position of power. Our young women call out to the males with siren songs, paint their faces like a peacock's tail, and fight for the right to date a male of the species.
It's time for our women to behave like animals! Don't spend so much time primping, fussing adorning and preening. Give it a rest. Let the men do it. That's their job. Let them behave like animals! Let them dance and prance around you. Let them show you why they are worthy of your genetic material; why you should choose them and thereby let their genetic material live on. That is one of the basic drives for men. They might not think about it, but they are genetically primed to pass their genes down through the generations.
We women have made it too easy for them. They not only want us, they need us. We have forgotten that they need us more than we need them. Especially today. We can get genetic material from the sperm bank. So real men have to work harder. Let them!
Time to teach our daughters that the word "no" is a good word. They are not at the beck and call of the boys. Time to behave like the females in the animal kingdom; sit back, let the men work. Let them know in no uncertain terms that you are particular about the genes you will allow to pass down.
The next time a young man or an older one says to you, "If you REALLY loved me..." Tell him, "Zip up your genes, they're not my style!"
It's almost impossible to catch a male angler fish. Why? They don't exist for very long. When a male angler fish is born, it is a tiny creature with no digestive system. As such, it must swim to find a female angler fish as soon as possible. When it does, it bites and releases an enzyme that removes a part of her flesh allowing the male to fuse. Soon it becomes nothing but a small bump on the side of its partner. This lump stores the sperm needed for fertilization when the female is ready to reproduce. <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/helder/" target="_hplink">http://www.flickr.com/photos/helder/</a>
When a female garter snake is ready to mate, it releases a strong sex pheromone that drives hundreds of male gartner snakes to her location. Once there, the snakes form an intertwined pile of slithering bodies, covering the female and attempting to mate with her at the same time. This not only provides the female with a vast plethora of potential suitors, but also warmth and protection during the process.
Hippos might look lackadaisical, but don't be fooled. They're among the most dangerous animals in the world, and are highly territorial. During mating, the male will empty his bladder and bowels in the surrounding water and use his powerful tail to splash the fecal water at a female of interest. Skip to 1:35. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/SCOTTIESPINSERVE?feature=watch" target="_hplink">http://www.youtube.com/user/SCOTTIESPINSERVE?feature=watch</a>
Male camels who are sexually aroused attract females through excessive salivation, covering their mouths in a drooling white froth. But that's not all: they also expel a pink sack from the roof of their mouths called the doula, which hangs out from the side of their mouths to attract females. Skip to 1:13 to see the mating ritual.
The manakin is a small bird with a startling, stage-worthy mating ritual; the Moonwalk.
As a part of their mating ritual, the white fronted parrot kisses its partner much like two humans might - except without the beaks. But unlike the standard french kiss, the male parrot adds a secret ingredient: vomit. <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/jroldenettel/" target="_hplink">http://www.flickr.com/photos/jroldenettel/</a>
The bean weevil's penis is covered in sharp spines. Its genitals severely damage the inside of the female's reproductive tract, a phenomenon known as "traumatic insemination." <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/bramblejungle/" target="_hplink">http://www.flickr.com/photos/bramblejungle/</a>
During courtship, porcupine males stand on their hind legs and spray their partners with urine. If a female is ready to mate she will then allow the male to mount. <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/gander178/" target="_hplink">http://www.flickr.com/photos/gander178/</a>
After ejaculation, the male honey bee's genitals break away from the body and lodge themselves inside the queen bee's reproductive tract. This acts as a plug that blocks any other worker bees from mating with the queen. This insurance, however, comes at a cost, as the male honey bee dies soon after. <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/sheepies/" target="_hplink">http://www.flickr.com/photos/sheepies/</a>
The praying mantis is infamous for its mating ritual. During coitus a hungry or stressed female will bite off the head of its mate and use it for nourishment. Unlike common belief however, this form of "rough" mating only occurs less than a third of the time. Nevertheless, the male mantis takes a definite risk in each attempt at procreation. <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/jasonscottmeans/" target="_hplink">http://www.flickr.com/photos/jasonscottmeans/</a>
To check if a female giraffe is ready to mate, the male will nudge her behind with his head to induce urination. He will then taste the urine to see if she is in heat. If so, he will follow her around until she allows him to mount. Interestingly, females that find a male to be particularly attractive have been observed to urinate more. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/cabagg?feature=watch" target="_hplink">http://www.youtube.com/user/cabagg?feature=watch</a>
Male argonauts have a specialized tentacle, known as a hectocotylus, that holds a ball of spermatozoa on the end. In the vicinity of a female, this tentacle actually detaches from its host and swims towards the prospective mate. <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/saspotato/" target="_hplink">http://www.flickr.com/photos/saspotato/</a>
The porcupine-like echindna has a four-headed penis. Even more surprising is the coordination between the heads; they work in pairs, with only one pair active at any one time. The other pair rests, in preparation for the next round of mating. <a href="http://www.flickr.com/photos/denis_fox/" target="_hplink">http://www.flickr.com/photos/denis_fox/</a>
Banana slugs have extremely long penises, some as long as their own body length. As hermaphrodites, two slugs will form the arrangement shown above in order to try to fertilize one another. In some cases however, a penis can get stuck in the middle of the attachment, holding two slugs together. The solution? The other slug chews it off.
A male frigate bird inflates a large throat sack, a mating ritual that takes a lot of effort and some time. Once it inflates, the sack looks like a big pink heart. To complete the ritual the male will shake its wings and sing a mating call.
Female hyenas are at the top of the hyena hierarchy. They are the more aggressive and dominate sex. This is because young female hyenas produce androgens, a similar hormone to testosterone, which increases aggression and competitiveness. It also enlarges the genitalia, creating a seven inch clitoris, or pseudo-penis. This gets tricky when a male tries to mate, and means that rape is extremely difficult. What's more, females have to give birth through their enlarged clitoris, which can cause serious complications for the mother. Skip to 1:23 in the video to get a better look. <a href="http://www.youtube.com/user/berenice881?feature=watch" target="_hplink">http://www.youtube.com/user/berenice881?feature=watch</a>
The brown antechinus is renowned for its hyperactive sexuality. Male antechinuses have been known to engage in coitus for hours with a single partner, only to move onto another. Eventually the male dies, a sexual martyr, from a lack of food and rest.