The first thing I will say is I do not have kids. So, if you have kids and you read this you may hate me a bit and I'm sorry in advance. The second thing is that I am three months pregnant, so I am noticing how people parent a lot right now. The third thing I want to say is I hope none of my friends who do have kids read this because I'm going to lay some shit on the table and it's probably going to hurt some feelings.
Here we go...
I travel to my badass best friend's house to meet her six-month old baby for the first time and when I get there I realize that everything has changed.
My friend used to smoke like a chimney and drink like a fish and hawl on blunts like she was bloody Rita Marley. Now, she is just anxious and lame.
"We are teaching him his ABC's" she tells me. "He is a very bright baby. Alamar, focus on the cards." She snaps her fingers in front of his drooling face. "Alamar, A is for...focus Al! He's not so quick right now because he ate a bit of dairy this morning..."
Alamar falls asleep in his bumby chair or whatever they are called.
She then worries aloud for the rest of the evening if the air conditioning is too cold.
If so, should she peek in on him? And finally when the baby monitor squeaked a few times with him rolling over in his sleep she rushed downstairs, grateful to have a reason to check on him.
I understand that the love you feel for your child is more immense than I can fathom.
I understand being sleep deprived.
I understand the weight of responsibility of another life in your hands.
Or, I guess I don't understand at all and that is what's causing all this tension.
The buzzwords run through my head: Helicopter parenting. Attachment parenting. Instinctive Parenting. Non-parenting.
And parents seem to really harsh out on each other's styles.
Here are some quotes I overheard from parents on the playground:
"I totally lost respect for (insert name here) when I found out they were a cry it out family."
"Attachment parents fry my soul."
"Kids who don't breastfeed get sick much more often than kids who do breastfeed."
"Sugar causes autism."
"Hospital births are violence against babies."
Holy shit.
I'm not trying to be an asshole here people. I am trying to understand why my old, cool friends have gotten so high strung and opinionated.
Am I destined to do the same thing?
I'm noticing a pattern in my generation (aged 34-42) who are just now becoming parents. Everything has to be triple-Googled, read about, discussed with their midwife, homeopath and doctor.
Do we give a soother?
Do we immunize?
Do we dress him in hemp or organic cotton?
There are so many decisions to make and I imagine it's very stressful but 25 years ago there were not so many decisions to make and 50 years ago there were even fewer decisions to make and all these decisions that are being made don't seem to be making any smarter or nicer kids than before so really, what the hell is going on here?
These little babes in arms are ruling the world and I don't think it's a good thing.
I'm at my friend's house for the weekend and she has some kids.
"Ohhhh, did you bring the two different types of toothpaste to help them brush their teeth?" she asks me.
"No. I have just this one tube. Why?"
"You have to go get the other tube, too. They'll freak out if they don't get their preferred flavour." I look at the two tubes. One reads "bubblegum", the other reads "mild bubblegum." Really? I cannot abide by that shit.
Brush your freakin' teeth. Your mom is tired. Leave her alone. Go to bed.
I truly don't understand.
I remember growing up and having to adapt to what my parents were doing. If Mom had to work a 12-hour night shift, I was left at the babysitters. Did I like it? No. But there was no choice and I dealt. If my dad wanted to visit friends and I was bored with the adult talk, did we leave? No. He told me to go make friends with the weird neighbour kid who was frying ants on the sidewalk.
Now when I visit my friends, after about 45 minutes the four-year-old looks up at me and says "You should go now. Mommy, I want her to leave." And Mommy smiles at her daughter's self-confidence and our visit is over.
I know I am judging (just like the parents in the park did two paragraphs ago) but I feel like this "superhero style" needs to be called out. Just like I would do to a dear friend who has been working a shitty job for too long and does too much overtime for a mean boss.
"Stop! The bar is set high enough! Let everyone else suck a bit. Please!"
And I cannot talk about any of this candidly to my new parent friends. They're untouchable now. They have the trump card because...
I don't understand what it is like. I won't get it until I have my own. I have no idea how hard it is.
And they're right.
But what I see scares me.
From what I can tell this generation of parents are putting a lot of emphasis on teaching their children how special they are. And inherent in that is teaching them that they are more special than other kids and that they are more special than their parents.
I'm not sure the world needs more people thinking they are more special.
Do you know who Honey Boo Boo is?
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To me Honey Boo Boo is an example of child-centric parenting gone whack. Now I actually have a huge soft spot for this child. I think it is incredible that someone can have such an unfaltering sense of self. There is a part of me that wants to celebrate her confidence but this child actually believes that she is a princess and in a few years she is going to have a long and hard fall.
When I was Honey Boo Boo's age my dad threw me a birthday party. He invited every kid in town over. That meant there were about 12 of us there. His girlfriend spun me a raw silk dress. She did my hair in French braids. As I walked up the steps to the main floor where my guests were waiting, my father announced "Clap for the princess. Clap for my princess!" And they did. They all clapped for me as I ascended. And I waved. And I felt so special. And that moment honestly shaped who I am today. My inherent princess mentality was solidified, as was my belief that I should be clapped for. This is now one of the reasons I make theatre for a living. So I get specialness and I see the value in teaching it to our kids. But they next day I was mucking out the chicken stall while my Dad built an addition onto the trailer. I had balance.
If I saw examples of "children at the centre of the universe" parenting empowering families I might jump on the bandwagon but when watching these parents from afar they are not doing a very good sell job.
They do not look fulfilled.
In fact they actually seem to be shells of their past selves. With no energy to do yoga, or write or think about creativity or their dreams because now they are intent on micro-managing their child's every interaction.
Overheard conversation at a parent friendly cafe:
"Maybe you and Santosha can share the caboose...no, you don't want to share?...Mommy understands you don't want to share, sharing is hard...I love you...you are such a good boy. How 'bout this, I'll buy you a steamed organic milk if you share? Steamed chocolate milk? Okay my little politician. You are Mommy's best little boy!"
This sounds exhausting to me.
So instead of succumbing to the terror of what lies ahead I'm asking the question: when I am a mother can I remain intact?
Can I hold on to my purpose in life? Can I continue to do what I am called to do?
I know some folks are happy dedicating themselves completely to being parents. I am impressed by that.
But I have a really hard time believing it when you say "All I want to do is be a mom, this is my purpose in life."
Does that mean the last 30 odd years before you became a parent were meaningless? And what if the unthinkable happens? Who are you then?
I believe that parenthood is a creative outlet. I imagine the job is so encompassing that it asks you to be your highest self in the deepest way possible. I look forward to that.
It feeds you and eats you at the same time.
I respect the role and I honour every person that has taken on the task.
But if you have something else you love to do and you are not doing it because you are too busy parenting I don't think that is a good enough excuse.
"The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of the parents." -- Jung
Isn't our own power and creative fulfillment the most important thing to try to hold on to, for our kid's sake?
To me, remaining engaged in "my" life is more important than teaching my child how to baby sign or remembering their friend's multiple dietary preferences or keeping the house clean. It is more important than money.
It is everything.
Because when I don't do my thing I am miserable to be around. Not doing my thing makes me hate everyone who is doing it, makes me uncomfortable to live inside my own skin, makes me lash out and blame the people I love.
That is not good parenting.
And what about single parents, Emelia? Sometimes folks don't get the choice. To those people- this article is not about you.
I am talking to the folks who have resources to stretch. Probably not the ones with newborns, probably not people with special needs kids. I am talking about people who put their child's life in front of their own because they are scared of living on their own personal edge.
Because it is easier to be overwhelmed with Brix's home school art project than sit down and write yourself.
I recently heard an interview with a man who was hiking up a mountain. There was an accident and the lower half of his body became trapped under a 3-tonne boulder in a stream bed. He almost drowned as the rain made the stream rise. He had to watch as fish ate his feet. Fire ants were stinging his chest, ears and face continuously. He waited 48 hours alone until help arrived. Both of his legs were amputated to the top thigh. Ten months later he succeeded in climbing (in a wheelchair he designed) Mount Kilimanjaro.
If he can do that, I can find 30 minutes to do what I love once a day. And if I truly want my child to know that they are unique snowflakes then I better do what I love doing around them -- a lot. My child will find what out they love to do by watching me do what I love to do.
Maybe I'll get a rude awakening. Maybe I will be reduced to ashes.
But when I am a mother I want to continue to follow my dreams even if it means being selfish at times, even if it means not rushing to their every pee-pee call, even if it means paying for childcare, even if it means sometimes letting them cry.
Because I'm special too.
We all are.
I want my kids to know that.
Motherhood I am beholden to you. I lay myself at your feet.
Please take your time with me.
Let me enjoy the ride.
Follow Emelia Symington Fedy on Twitter: www.twitter.com/emeliasf
1. Try to let go of the angry judgments you're making of your parent friends. Both your anger and some of the things they do that you perceive as overparenting come from anxiety. Anxiety about having and raising a child is normal and healthy. So own it, don't let it make you mean.
2. Beyond the judgy part, the observations you're making will actually be very helpful to you as a parent. Look for things you admire and want to emulate, as well as things you hope not to do. And maintain your awareness that some of these things will look different when you have your own child.
3. No, of course you don't have to lose yourself to be a mother. And of course there will be times when it will be challenging to to hold on to your 30 minutes a day. There may even be occasions when you need to let that 30 minutes go. But you're absolutely right that your children need to see you being yourself, not just as a being who exists to serve them. Just do your best to be both the person and the parent you want to be. You won't always succeed, but you'll be a happier person and a better parent for it.
Best of luck to you and your growing family!
(1) Observation - and intense, rightful concern - that we're raising an over-coddled generation of lil' emperors who won't have coping skills, resilience or character. And yo, this is LEGITIMATE worry. I'm worrying about it too.
(2) Observation that we - the over-thinking, overindulging, coddling parents - use parenting and parental sacrifice as an excuse for not achieving or excelling in our own lives. Also true.
(3) Observation that women and mothers and EVERYONE (including you 'n me) are judgmental about parenting styles. VERY true.
And sure, it comes off as snide for a non-parent to criticize the parenting of others. But it's also way to easy for commenters to then dismiss what you've got to say.
You've got legitimate points and concerns. If a father (or a man) wrote the same piece you just did, he wouldn't have been so thoroughly criticized.
PS Fear not. Motherhood won't kill you or your creative edge. Motherhood is creation and I've found it fuels my art, my work and my calling rather than compromises it.
She was a beautiful surprise. Instead of my big parties and healthy alcoholism, I became a full-time, dedicated mom. I was 33 when I started motherhood. It was a Ginormous change.I had no idea how much it would change me.
I had three children in four years with my wonderful husband. My life changed 180degrees.
I struggled with my new all-encompassing role. I did lose myself. Completely. But in losing that old me, I found a new one. This new me baked, told silly stories, gave really good baths, and was incredibly creative at play. This new me started a small business making cloth toys for children out of repurposed fabric. The old me would have never done that. I might not be a famous Spanish speaking photographer, but I have amazing pictures of my kids and lots of great ideas for future projects. I have grand plans for an Eco-friendly coffee shop designed for moms and artists to meet.
So, yes, I lost myself. But, in doing so I found a new me, I'd like to think a better me. And, now that my kids are getting a little older (they are now two, four and five) and forty is around the corner for me, I will try to start doing just-me things. Ballet perhaps?
And please, for heaven's sake, discipline your children! Set boundaries with them, and be consistent!
I wish you only good things. I hope you are transformed. It ain't all that bad. I like who I am now, memory-impairment and all....and I am two years away from having both in full-time school so more me-time will unfold...or so I have been told.
Have a wonderful pregnancy and enjoy the ride!
I remember being 3 months along with my first and very confident. I was a GREAT parent then. Now, with a 6 year old and 4 year old running around, I am humbled beyond explanation. My kids are great, attached, funny, loved and engaged. I love, talk about feelings, I raise my voice, I feed my kids chicken nuggets. The only comfort I take is that they aren't from McDonalds. Just Trader Joe's or Costco. I struggle for focus and I can promise you, my interests are both the same and wildly different than they were 6 years back. Most of them are solely for my own edification, but my time is extremely limited.
Do I agree that our country is a bit child-centric? Yes and no. Yes, in that the pressure facing mothers is worse than ever to feed, rear and balance everything for our children perfectly. Attach perfectly, supervise perfectly, feed perfectly. It is a total bummer. Healthy mothers are much less judgemental about other moms, and actually provide incredible support to one another. But our culture, which has lied to women (and this is coming from a crazy liberal) and told us to have it all, has led us to intense mommy competition and stress on parents. The women in my life who I adore and turn to have little interest in shaming one another, and only have interest in supporting and praising and uplifting one another...and this includes moments like this morning when a close girlfriend told me she lost it with her kids last night. "Thank god!" I exclaimed..."Now I really feel safe with you!"
"Lord have mercy on the sinners ! !"
There is no more important work than raising children; You are building the world to come, one person at a time.
BUT
At some point in your 'Precious' life, they are gone to be informed; by someone elses 'Precious' or by circumstances that no one can foretell; that they are not the center of the universe.
It is one of your many duties as a mother to at least make them aware that the concept exists.
One piece of advice, can't resist; When we brought our first baby home my wife turned on the TV, ran the vacum cleaner and played the radio in his nursery, to aclimate the kid to sleeping with racket. He could sleep through a war that kid could.
You do loose yourself, but you do find a new you. And you probably won't notice how crazy sounding you seem to pre-parental adults around you.
Eventually - after you pack them off to 1st grade - you'll be able to take a brief breather.
Before I had my son, I was hyper career focused and had no plan to stay home. I worked for a year after I had him and hated every minute of the job I had loved because I found out I was a stay at home mom. My guys are 20 and 25 today and my husband and I raised them with humour, laughter and joy. We didn't over schedule them, we didn't helicopter or neglect them and we loved almost every minute of parenting (when your child is ill, it's the hardest thing you'll ever have to bear). I know we did a good job because both our guys tell us we did and both call and visit often. I wondered if we were doing a good job the whole time I was raising them...strict bedtimes, sneaking them out of school to see Harry Potter and playing video games with them on our single tv. They complained that they were the only kids who didn't have computers and tv's in their rooms but today, they live with no TV or cable by choice.
Congratulations on the start of your journey. You will be surprised by the depth of love you have for your messy crying baby right out of the gate :)
I rejoice I was allowed to play a supporting role.