Dear "pre-adults" (18 to 35-year-olds, that's you),
Oh, did you think you were an adult already? Sorry. I too just learned I wasn't. It's kind of shocking, right? Or is it a relief (do I get better tax credits with that)? Well, researchers think we're in a whole new life stage they call "arrested adulthood." We're spending longer in school, having trouble starting a career and putting off related adult milestones, resulting in our age group trailing behind our parents' generation like a turd hanging off a sheep's ass. Well, through grown-up discussions with some "real adults" and successful "pre-adults," I've got a few suggestions for us on how to finally pinch off.
"Frankly, I find this notion of 'arrested adulthood' a bit pejorative," says Norah McRae, Executive Director of The University of Victoria's (UVic) Co-op Education Program and Career Services. McRae says studying helps develop "higher order thinking skills" and asks: "Are these not crucial qualities for 'adults'?" Yes. So why aren't we adults?
Well, if we aren't given the opportunity to use these adult thinking skills in the adult situations we learned them for (i.e.: a job), then it seems we get stuck on the wait list for adulthood.
Let's take a step back here, what is an "adult" anyway? Researchers say the top three criteria for adulthood are: 1. Take responsibility for yourself; 2. Make independent decisions; and 3. Financial independence. And then there's society's expectation for us to have landed a career, tied the knot, and procreated. Well, it'll come as no surprise to you that we're not doing that until much later in life.
"Emerging adulthood" (coined by Dr. Jeffrey Arnett, researcher at Clark University's Department of Psychology and co-author of the book Debating Emerging Adulthood) is meant to explain the mess of factors that result in today's 18 to 25-year-olds falling behind their peers of yesteryear in reaching adult milestones. The term isn't meant to be derogatory. In an email, Dr. Arnett told me "I've had many [emerging adults] tell me they greatly appreciated the term and the idea that there is a new life stage in between adolescence and young adulthood," and in an article published in Perspectives on Psychological Science, Dr. Arnett uses the life stage to defend 18 to 25-year-olds to those adults who view them as lazy, selfish slackers.
Well, our stage of arrested development is getting extended... again. Kay Hymowitz, scholar and author of the new book Manning Up: How the Rise of Women has Turned Men into Boys, stretches Dr. Arnett's "emerging adulthood" to 35 and renames it "pre-adulthood." In a phone interview, Hymowitz explained "if you consider marriage one of the primary ways you enter into adulthood... then that's delayed the timing of adulthood for young people... college educated young people marry later, closer to 30."
OK. So if these terms are meant to help us out and offer explanations to critical older generations, why have we got our backs up? Well, it all boils down to the difficulty of getting your foot in the door of a job and, consequently, adulthood. Why would an employer hire me for a job with adult responsibilities (earning me financial independence, and eventually making me enough dough to throw that adult right-of-passage party we call a wedding) if I'm labelled an adult-in-training? We're facing an increasingly competitive job market. Complexity is balls to the wall here people! And now, just when I thought I had adulthood in my corner, turns out I'm fighting for that title too. Well eff me.
Since everybody loves a pity party, let's invite one more guest. Enter the "child-man." This is the guy who loves the new life stage because it's like calling mulligan on adolescence. Hymowitz gets a high-five for calling out my male peers on acting even less adult-like than me. In her book, Manning Up, she writes: "What also makes pre-adulthood something new and big...is its radical reversal of the sexual hierarchy. Among pre-adults, women are the first sex." Hymowitz explains that statistics show women are leading the pack, graduating in greater numbers than men, with higher GPAs, and overall "more confidence, drive, and plans for the future."
Arrested Adulthood: The Changing Nature of ... - TCRecord: Article
Arrested Adulthood: The Changing Nature of Maturity and Identity ...
In particular, I would say at lot more women are dependent than men, a whole lot more. So why are the male slackers picked on so much now? My answer would be that it is because they are not using their labor to provide for women.
How about defining adulthood sexually, like for other animals?
What frustrates me, as a 20-something who chose a more conventional path in my early twenties-- found a career and financial independence at a time when my "peers" were still figuring it all out-- is that I am a black sheep. Wanting to settle down and start a family 5 years into my "adult life" sounds perfectly reasonable to me, but where are the 30 year old men who are ready for this? Well, they don't exist. What's interesting is that this trend isn't related to income or career satisfaction, it's more of a mentality that transcends social/economic barriers. Sadly, articles like this are doing little more than reinforcing our stunted growth. I feel that articles focusing on the minority-- the 18-35 year olds that don't fit into this mold and thus, don't have a voice-- would be beneficial. Stop enabling the childishness of my generation!
1) own a car and pay insurance on it,
2) maintain our own residence and pay property taxes, whether directly (home ownership) or indirectly (rent),
3) have attained a high enough level of education to become self-sufficient, and usually this means a good trade school or college education,
4) have had enough interaction with mature adults, whether they be parents or other role models, to achieve some level of basic maturity to be able to function in a complex society.
Job opportunities have diminished, too. Yes, there are jobs, but those jobs don't lead to real opportunities. You can work retail at Walmart or an upscale department store, but the job will not lead to greater opportunities.
What might appear to be a character deficiency in younger people is really indicative of a much larger problem: Lack of opportunity in a complex society.
It's interesting to see the "gaps" developing in my social circles. I feel that I have a group that "beat" the recession, who are making future plans based on graduate education and career goals. Another group that is in a holding pattern, trapped by their college debts and/or their inability to get jobs that allow them to be fully independent ("adults", if you will).
I already feel like these groups struggle to have conversation between them (ages are 21-27, I'm 24). While I wish nothing but success for all my friends, it will be interesting to see how this period shapes what I already feel are divergent groups of friends.
Then being 58 and single and dating a little I find I prefer younger men because of their great energy and enthusiasm but they can't relate much or AT ALL to my life experiences. Often as I scan Facebook for what they are doing (or platonic/female friends in their 30-s 40s) it's ALL ABOUT the weekend, how much fun they want to have. Some have been married and some even have a kid. So they seem perpetually in Peter Pan Land. As a result I made the decision this week to stop reading their inane posts.
When I was their age I had a to-do list for every weekend that was a mile long (personal, repairs, and errands) Having fun was usually LAST on the list...
Fast forward to 2011-I've done it all and been a servant to many at some time or another. Sometimes for years. Now at 58 I too am looking just to have fun, but HELL I deserve it finally frankly. They haven't earned the honor....
I wanted to comment on the first part of the article. While having a career/marriage/children and the attendant responsibilities can make you more adult, it doesn't necessarily so. I feel there are more aspects to adulthood then those mentioned.
How many people do we know or read about it in the papers who married for the wrong, immature reasons, who are terrible/irresponsible parents, who are bad pet owners, are irresponsible with their family's money, who have affairs, who abuse drugs or alchohol or pot, who are actually criminals...but who have all these "landmarks" of adult responsibility.
I have a distant family member...married, two children with a man who is not kind to dogs. To me, I don't care how many of the outer trappings you have, if you are not kind to animals, you are not an adult or a full human being.
I think being an adult is much more. I think it's being a good citizen, being considerate of others, not being all about "me" and wanting to give back, being respectful of others and the ability to tolerate those who think differently from you, paying your own way, to have the habit of doing things/chores you don't want to do but you face them anyways, to take responsibility for your emotions, to name a few.
I know our society looks upon marrieds, parents, careerists as being the most mature but I really don't buy it. There are lots of selfish, mean, irresponsible people in this category who I would not consider an adult.