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Emily Zinnemann

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Mothers and Daughters: A Fairy Tale?

Posted: 06/09/11 09:43 AM ET

My mother often clasps her hands to her chest and exclaims in a tone of breathless awe that fairy tales "really do come true!" And who can fault her for this? She grew up shooting squirrels and frying them in ketchup for dinner; sleeping in attics, woodsheds, and empty porches; and crawling out of trailer windows to escape a thumbless, axe-wielding maniac intent on her death.

In keeping with the fairy tale theme, the rotating cast of my mother's childhood also included a beloved pet deer, a friendly porcupine, orphaned baby owls and a basement skunk fed on eggs. Singing the show tunes they wrote themselves, my mother and her siblings managed to skip through the monumental horrors of their childhoods to lives of unqualified success. Today, they are mathematical geniuses, poker champions, artists, and doting parents.

My mother (better known as the Meg Tilly) is now not only an Oscar-nominated actress, but also an ex-ballerina, a self-taught stock market expert, and a Tae-Kwon-Do sparring champion. She is also the author of several books. She wrote about her Dickensian upbringing in a critically acclaimed first novel published before she was 35 -- she scrawled it on the backs of paper bags in between breast-feeding her third baby and shoveling snow in our rural B.C. log cabin.

My mother was determined to give us the childhood she never had; accordingly, my childhood was a fairy tale of a different kind. I grew up eating chocolate cake for breakfast and crustless, heart-shaped sandwiches for lunch, roller-skating in the hallway outside my bedroom, and wearing 24 ponytails and a tutu to elementary school if that's what I wanted. We were raised without television, watching one G-rated video a week, and were punished by being made to jump on the bed downstairs. Once a year, she would take us on a surprise trip to Disneyland.

Now she wants me to blog with her on mother/daughter relationships and I confess it's not my favorite of her many zany ideas. I left home almost 10 years ago, shortly after turning 18, and since then have not been back for more than two weeks at a stretch. These days, my mother and I speak infrequently -- certainly less than once a week. She doesn't know where I am as I write this post, nor does she have the phone number here -- I was raised to value my privacy.

Though my mother is, by all accounts, an exceptional person, our relationship over the past years has not been without its difficulties, and I am cautious about exploring its more challenging aspects in a public forum. Also, it's hard not to look inadequate beside her: by my age she had a Golden Globe, a baby (me) and a husband; I have only a Masters degree and a dog that now lives with my brother.

Still, my mother set out to be the best mother she possibly could be and she succeeded. Though the childhood she gave me may not have been the childhood I would, in retrospect, have given myself, it's amazing that (between her career and her own traumatic past) she managed to give us even half of what she did.

If co-writing a Mother/Daughter-themed blog for Huffington Post Canada will help make my mother's fairy-tale complete, I suppose it's the very least I can do.

 

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08:29 PM on 06/15/2011
i liked this post alot. Me being a big fan of your mother (not to sound creepy or anything) i just want to say i wish my childhood was like yours. i really wish i couldve had your childhood cause mine now is kinda bad but not as bad.
08:18 AM on 06/10/2011
I enjoy and celebrate all of our unique voices. I have pondered comments questioning what is appropriate social media and have come to the conclusion that those decisions are up to the individual's sharing. My initial reaction to the mother / daughter blog was a universal yes; I am both a daughter and a mom, I have insecurities and strong feelings when in each role. Relationships are complicated and worth exploring. Writing and sharing experiences is what connects all of us universally. We find comfort, clarification and acceptance in knowing we are not alone. Rooting for you both as you continue this journey. xo
03:03 AM on 06/10/2011
Not quite sure what the point of your post is....sounds like you had a great childhood with very good parents....anyhow, enjoy your mom and value your relationship....as someone who has lost my mother, you are very lucky to have her and she you
02:22 AM on 06/10/2011
I'm constantly impressed by your writing, Emily. You have your own unique voice and it's refreshing to hear. I'm so glad we will get to read more of it on The Huffington Post as well as on your other blog TIWWCBF.

And despite what others (kathleens) might say, I think there is the potential for something very real, and true, and honest, and universal here. As witnessed by some of the comments below as well as on your mother's first post, people can very much relate to these feelings and emotions. On both sides of the equation. The parent/child relationship is a complex one. Each person has their own truths, their own version of things and it will be fascinating to explore the contrast.

However deep or personal each of you choose to get is up to you, but I'll be here cheering for you both along the way.
01:06 AM on 06/10/2011
A few friendly corrections. Hazen had both thumbs, it was the middle finger on his right hand that he was missing. Also while he lived in a trailer at one point, that particular escape was from a house. (I remember that house as being huge, but I was small at the time.) Also the tales that you may have heard of my mathematical abilities have probably been exaggerated.

I will watch the progress of this experiment with interest. And as much as I would suggest avoiding comparing yourself to others, I understand why you brought that up. For most of my life, most of the people who have known me have not known about my connection to Meg and Jennifer. I had many reasons for that, but a big one was that it is easier to define myself as me when those around me did not automatically define me by them. I can only imagine how much harder it is for you to get out of that shadow.
02:01 AM on 06/10/2011
Hey Ben,

The butcher knife was what he liked to wave around in the white house, that and gasoline. The axe incident happened when we were staying at his trailer in Gillies Bay.

And for the record, I have to agree with Emily's accessment, you are a mathematical genius. No exaggeration.
02:29 AM on 06/10/2011
I mean Emily's assessment... Long day rehearsing.
03:12 AM on 06/10/2011
Oops, I guess I mixed up the Gilles Bay incident with the white house. Not that I was around for that - I had other problems at the time.

We'll have to agree to disagree about math. I've known some *real* geniuses, and know how much I don't compare to them.
07:01 PM on 06/14/2011
I don't mean to hijack your reply, Ben, but I follow your sister Meg's blog and thus it has brought me here to read Emily's post. Back when you were a young kid, you lived across the street from my family (on Effingham). You and your brother used to come and talk to my dad alot. I remember your curiousity and your intelligence so I'm not surprised to read today that your niece considers you a mathematical genius! I was probably a few years older than you. I cannot really remember my age - only that you were probably 10 or 11ish. I think my dad always enjoyed talking to you and your brother. I've often wondered how you turned out (not a good expression) and although I follow Meg's blog and see Jennifer on tv etc, I've been more curious about that dark haired kid that was so full of interesting things to say.

BTW, my dad's name was Jerry Barber. Sadly, he died 10 years ago but my mom still lives in that big house on the corner. I wonder if you remember them at all?
08:07 PM on 06/14/2011
I was the younger brother. I would have been 7 or 8. My older brother was 9 or 10. This should have been in the 1976-1977 time range, so you can figure out your own age.

I'm sorry to say that my memory of the time period is fairly limited. I think I remember your house, but only remember brief flashes and impressions.
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08:38 PM on 06/09/2011
I don't want to be harsh here, but I think the internet and social networking sites like Facebook have greatly distorted what intimacy ought to be. This is very emotional and personal stuff, and I don't know why either of you would be comfortable sharing it in such a public manner.
05:47 PM on 06/09/2011
Hi Emily, Your post deeply resonated with me. My mother didn't raise me as a free spirit, she just stopped nurturing, so although I had the freedom to do as I pleased, much like you did, I'll never understand why she didn't think it worthwhile to encourage me, even once. Funny, even at my age, and having had a wonderful life, I still carry the hurt and anger; at a loss for an explanation. Your honesty is commendable, and I hope if you're searching for answers to questions that may be standing in the way of a meaningful relationship, you find them. Your mother should be very proud!
08:56 PM on 06/09/2011
I couldn't be prouder
05:12 PM on 06/09/2011
Enjoyed both your mom's post last week and yours today. I do agree with JR Burrows to just focus on being yourself and what brings you joy. I love the idea of the back and forth between mother/daughter and look forward to where it might go or not go. I will check in every Thursday. Have a great week ...
08:59 PM on 06/09/2011
With regards to where it might or might not go, I've been wondering about that as well.
02:35 PM on 06/09/2011
Great post, Emily! Looking forward to reading more. So much underneath the words here. Would love to hear about the childhood you would have given yourself. Seems like we all want what we didn't/don't have. On another note, forget about comparing yourself with anyone else (family or otherwise). I know it's easier said than done but really, it's a losing battle. There's always someone out there who's done more and done it better. Just focus on yourself and your own accomplishments (a Masters degree is something to be very proud of) as well as your own strengths and skills (you're obviously a talented writer in your own right). Anyway, thanks for post. Can't wait to see more.
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03:41 PM on 06/09/2011
Thanks for your kind words and encouragement!

Regarding "the childhood I would have given myself"-- my mother and I hope to get a more focused dialogue going over the next few posts. And, though I'd like to tread lightly, topics like that might not be off bounds...
12:32 PM on 06/19/2011
the question of the childhood you would've given yourself is a particularly interesting topic. keep up the good work, this mother/daughter thread is very interesting :)