The ladies of Twitter never fail to brighten our days with their brilliant ― but succinct ― wisdom. Each week, HuffPost Women rounds up hilarious 140-character musings. For this week’s great tweets from women, scroll through the list below. Then visit our Funniest Tweets From Women page for our past collections.
Sign up for our Funniest Tweets Of The Week newsletter here.
Once again the gynecology nurse does not appreciate when I say “giving ya the ol’ razzle dazzle” while putting my feet in the stirrups
— katespookie (@katefeetie) October 22, 2017
Just sitting around being sacred today, as women do.
— Kashana (@kashanacauley) October 21, 2017
If your bra consistently matches your underwear first of all are you some kind of witch?
— Emily McCombs (@msemilymccombs) October 21, 2017
telling me to stop posting political things is the equivalent of telling me to smile more, thank you! *smiles so hard all my teeth shatter*
— Aparna Nancherla (@aparnapkin) October 22, 2017
Them: You need to listen to your body more.
— Abby Heugel (@AbbyHasIssues) October 23, 2017
Body: You're old. And you want pizza.
doctor: eating popeyes everyday will kill you
— Ziwe (@ziwe) October 22, 2017
me: pic.twitter.com/tp0EeuMwjV
*flosses for the first time in 6 months* that should fool the dentist today
— Erica (@SCbchbum) October 23, 2017
can you imagine losing and having to talk about it after? like I lose all the time and I just shut up and pretend I didn't lose
— christine teigen (@chrissyteigen) October 26, 2017
If I see a sexy Handmaids Tale costume next week I will have an actual tantrum
— Whitney Cummings (@WhitneyCummings) October 26, 2017
Inventing a delivery app that brings your delivery person on time. Finds them at their restaurant, tells them to stop chatting, pokes them.
— Abbi Crutchfright (@curlycomedy) October 26, 2017
I'm a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
— Megan Amram (@meganamram) October 24, 2017
'Just In Timber Lake' sounds like the slogan for a campground holding its annual swingers retreat
— Randi Lawson (@RandiLawson) October 23, 2017
When the Cable Guy gets to your house at 4:58pm in your "12pm-5pm" window... pic.twitter.com/CkZrDHpfUy
— Julie Rasmussen (@JulieRasmussen) October 23, 2017
If you’ve never pulled your pants up before your underwear then we have nothing in common.
— SHANtilly Lace (@theshantilly) October 24, 2017
Today I went into my purse to pay my therapist and a bag of shredded cheese fell out
— Charlene deGuzman (@charstarlene) October 25, 2017
I like to plan my outfit for dropping the kids off at school.
— MarleBOO (@Marlebean) October 24, 2017
In fact, I often choose it the night before.
They're called "pajamas".
One *effective* way to fight the patriarchy is to call men named Brian “Bree-anne”
— Anna Drezen (@annadrezen) October 25, 2017
Ah, fall. Foliage, pumpkin spice and being late to work every day because you spent 7 minutes figuring out if the tights are black or navy.
— Chloe Angyal (@ChloeAngyal) October 25, 2017
I've wasted so much of my precious life trying to locate the remote.
— Entrée 3000 (@steenfox) October 27, 2017
bought my dog a halloween costume so he peed on the store floor fair enough my friend but you’re still gonna be a cute fucking shark
— lauren ashley bishop (@sbellelauren) October 26, 2017
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