I don’t have to tell you that over the past few weeks, there have been allegations of sexual harassment and sexual assault that have dominated news and social media. We’ve had to endure debates about the guilt of those who have been accused. Outside of the occasional mention of the bravery it takes to come forward, it has been celebrity and spectacle that has dominated the discussion.
I’ve seen it everywhere. I’ve seen it play out on TV, but trickle down into the mental health field (which is my field), as well. I’ve had to hear endless discussions, analyzing the behavior and dysfunction of celebrities and politicians. There’s been shameless marketing and ego driven appeals that have added to the already very loud, overbearing voice of celebrity and fame in our culture. Meanwhile, those who have come forward are pushed immediately back into the background.
I’ve even seen my colleagues step forward to use this as an opportunity to debate about sexual addiction. For those of you who don’t know this, there’s an ongoing debate about sex addiction, and it’s existence (or non-existence). You know what? That debate, like so many others, doesn’t belong on every news cycle and social media post surrounding sexual harassment and sexual assault.
Sure it will get you some attention, but that’s because it focuses on the big names. It doesn’t focus on the forgotten and ignored voices of those coming forward. By using this as an opportunity to debate, this is adding noise to an already noisy place, where many people are already reluctant to speak out.
Sadly, for many of the people reporting and sharing their opinions, they’re acting as a part of the perpetrating system. Have a book to sell? Have a program to market? Have a notable opinion on sex addiction that you’d like to share in a headline about a celebrity? Keep in mind, you’re piggybacking on those who are now enduring the shame of coming forward. You’re also silencing the voices of those who still have yet to come forward, because you’re communicating to them, “it’ll never be about you.”
Want an analysis on perpetrators? Here it is. There’s no linear prescription of someone who harasses or assaults others. It’s complex, culturally and developmentally. Regardless, people need to be held accountable and take lifelong responsibility. That’s it. I just filled up that broken record we hear on evening news and social media, so there’s more to discuss.
For those who want to hold their spots in prime time, here is a discussion that I haven’t seen take place. Discuss why it’s hard to come forward in our culture. Talk about healing options for those who have been hurt. Help people understand power structures, and how they hurt those who are perpetrated on. There is already enough air time about those who are the perpetrators themselves.
I’m not ignorant enough to believe that we should have no understanding of perpetration. However, we’re not engaging in a balanced discussion right now. Our cultural focus is on celebrities and politicians behaving badly, whether or not they did behave in this way, and “why?” This fascination continues to push the people (mostly women), who are coming forward, back into the background. It also perpetuates an unspoken message to people who haven’t come forward, “you’ll be silenced, ridiculed, and spoken over.”
By maintaining the imbalance of our attention, we’re treating trauma like it’s gossip worthy. When we ask questions about whether it’s true or not, we treat speaking out about sexual harassment like it’s an easy thing to do. Even worse, we use suspicion to protect social structures that promote the disregarding of sexual boundaries and consent.
We need those who have been violated to come forward. The truth is that we can’t heal if they don’t. The wounds inflicted by violations, and a screwed up power structure, hurts us all. But this means we have to listen to people who we’ve never heard of, or listened to before. It doesn’t mean that their name itself has to be part of the headline, but their voices do.
True healing is going to only be possible if we orient others about the impact that they have. This is because we have to re-normalize what is currently considered normal in our culture. Yes, this means we have to attack power structures. However, it also means we have to stop staying silent when people use sexual assault and harassment as a megaphone to advance their own careers and agendas. Keep in mind, part of the traumatic experience often involves being ignored and spoken over.
There are open wounds that need to heal. That means we have to stay with the pain of the voices themselves, while not falling into our infatuation with celebrity status. With the attention of these situations, having an opinion on the topic comes with enormous responsibility. So unless you’re going to spend equal, or even more time discussing how people heal before and after coming forward, don’t tell people to “tune in.” Keep your own book on the shelf. Forget about your treatment approach or program. Add space for those who are sharing their stories.