I have schizophrenia, they tell me. They line up my symptoms and thrust the diagnosis in my face. So here are your pills.
When I stop taking those medications I lose my grip on reality, but I don't know this. They, my psychiatrist, a security guard, the police, bring me to the hospital (again) and I am told (again) that I have schizophrenia.
No, I don't. People with schizophrenia don't have a Master's degree in Neuroscience. I'm simply too intelligent to have schizophrenia, right?
Then why do rats eat my brain, why do voices yell at me, and why am I being stalked by a homicidal man with a sniper gun (I've got proof)? I assume it is normal. I don't have any friends and I have withdrawn from my family so no one but Them (doctors, nurses -- everyone in league with the enemy) diagnose me, treat me. So here are your pills.
I remember my first antipsychotic. I was in the psychiatric hospital after a failed suicide attempt and, after drawing me out, my psychiatrist decided to start me on Risperidone. She did not tell me what it would do. Soon, my Voices were quieter, quieter, quieter. Rats stopped chewing and the sniper stopped tracking me. Wow, I thought. Those were symptoms? That was schizophrenia? The scientist in me knew it wasn't a simple placebo effect, since I had had no idea what those little pills were going to do. I became open to the idea that I might have schizophrenia.
Yet repeatedly, over the next half-dozen years, I would leave the hospital quietly, only to be forcibly returned after "decompensation due to medical noncompliance." That is, I fell into the oh-so-common trap of thinking: "I am doing well. I don't need these pills any more. I'm cured." Round and round the revolving door.
You would think that after all of this, I would surely realize that I had schizophrenia. I didn't, though. I was under the heavy spell of anosognosia: the physiological inability to recognize that one has an illness. It is common, and strong, in schizophrenia. But in me, equally strong was a scientist. So, experiment number one: recall that first antipsychotic? Well, it did strange things, things I was not expecting.
My second hypothesis: maybe I was just in it for the attention. When psychotic and certified in the hospital, I would bash my head against the concrete wall until both it and I were bloody; that bled the brain-eating rats out. It also earned me restraints, physical and chemical, which I raged against. I screamed and kicked and cried but the strong security guards tying me up and the nurses with injections (rat-laden!) for me always won. That was attention, I reasoned. So I decided to do it. Bang head, fight restraints, scream over injections... it was a good show, but it felt foreign. I was an actor, not a true patient, that time, making me realize that all the other times had actually felt real.
Then there were the Voices that harassed me continually. They yelled at me to kill myself, forbade me to buy even a coffee, and hissed at me if I dared talk to anyone. When these receded with medication, I later -- when everything schizophrenic seemed out of focus -- attempted a third experiment: I tried to create Voices. I thought really hard but to no avail. All I could generate was the "little voice in my head" that everyone experiences from time to time.
Finally, convinced I was too smart to have schizophrenia (an idea of mine echoed by an arrogant psychiatrist), I fought to keep an A+ average at university. I earned prestigious scholarships (two NSERCs, a Michael Smith scholarship, and various others). That's not something someone with schizophrenia does, right? No; there are other people with schizophrenia who attain graduate-level education. It is very hard, but it can be done, particularly when the person is stable on medication.
So a neuroscientist with schizophrenia. I tried so hard to prove I was immune to schizophrenia, but because of my experiments, I am convinced. It was a relief of sorts: an explanation, a treatment, a hope. It came to prove not that I didn't have the disorder, but that I can live beyond it. For me, medication is key; taking it reliably, the master key. And I become a person with schizophrenia who is well.
Interested in my story? My memoir, When Quietness Came: A Neuroscientist's Personal Journey With Schizophrenia, is available on Amazon.
I wish you all the best!
dont stereotype, ever.
Many of us remember Russel Crowe in a "Beautiful Mind", and recall that the character he portrayed was a brilliant mathematician and professor with schizophrenia, John Nash. John Nash was awarded the Nobel Memorial prize in economics in 1994. What the movie did not convey were the darker components of John Nash's experiences, which can not be entirely faulted to cinema. There are limitations to what can be achieved within time, space, and budget constraints. As well the movie would have had to be palatable to the general public, with little knowledge of the illness. Over time there has been a greater awareness, and more is required.
I'm in the science field and none of my friends or colleagues fit your description. Of course scientists have feelings and emotions and that has nothing to do with how they do their work.
You don't have to "shut down" your feelings to work at a lab, do experiments, etc, etc.
It's science, not religion.
In opposite, Britain and Belgium send quite many people to psychiatric hospitals. They have the highest numbers.
But you may also simply leave that town where you are living at the moment. It seems to be a brain-damaging town anyway. I mean, the environment you are living in might play a role in your bad condition. I am afraid some people around you might be a reason for your problems. So, some change might also change your mental state. But finally, it's your decision you have to know what's best for you. I don't want to persuade you of anything. It's your life. And your responsibility.
Moreover, you are a young woman and it's time settle down and to raise a family. How do you feel about this? Or do you want to spend your life-time with hallucinations? I mean, you should try to get your thoughts straight in your head, and to take those hallucinations as that what they are: some mistakes of your brain. I am sure you don't want to make a career in schizophrenia. (BTW, men won't be attracted to schizophrenia. Only shrinks feel attracted to schizophrenia, but you are just a lab-rat to them.)
You are an inspiration to so many people.
One message that keeps coming through in your writing is that even though people lost in psychosis sometimes need involuntary treatment in order to recover, inpatient and outpatient services need to be much more humane.
You have increased understanding to the max. My fervent hope is that your have stirred governments to confront chronic brain diseases with the sufficient essential scientific brain research to heal you and prevent schizlophrenia's destructive hold on humanity.
Bravo for demonstrating what it takes to stop fighting the diagnosis and learning to take back your life and showing us about that very real struggle against anosognosia. No doubt your scientific training came to bat for you but it took you to really use it.
Bravo for getting your life back and accepting and learning to live with this condition. Bravo for being such an accomplished person and most of all for sharing your story so that others might do as well.
You are an amazing woman ! You are doing more for the antistigma campaign than anyone that I know has No doubt you are leading the way for others to do as well.
Best wishes. Patricia Forsdyke
I've just been diagnosed with a chronic condition that is leading to a dramatic re-engineering of my life. My hobbies, my work, my physical activities - everything is impacted. But I'm determined to be a person like you that rises above challenges to lead a joyous and productive life. I'm reminded of the quote, "Sometimes you have to get knocked down lower than you have ever been, to stand up taller than you ever were."
Best wishes.