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When Serial Dating Becomes a Full Time Job

09/12/2014 06:03 EDT | Updated 11/12/2014 05:59 EST
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"You can't serial date forever"

But what if you can?

The thing is, I don't even like dating. In fact, I'd go so far as to say I hate it. I hate dating. I loathe going on dates, especially with random strangers I meet via the Internet. It's just the worst. But hang on, did I choose this sad fate? No I didn't. It choose me. Some of us were born to be rocket scientists, others Olympic athletes. Me? Well I was born to serial date. And there's absolutely nothing I can do to change that. It's completely out of my control. Poor me. My days will be forever filled with an endless sea of dates and awkward men. Mixed signals, embarrassing sexual encounters, and of course, ponies (that's a long story).

I have resolved to give up all forms of employment. Serial dating must be taken seriously, it is not for the half hearted. It is for the coldest of hearts. It is time for me to assume my position as a full time serial dater. It is time for my dreams to come true.

Did you really think I was going to wait around at some 9-5 job rotting at a desk, working hard everyday to EARN my own small fortune? Blasphemy friends, it seems you don't know me at all. No desk, no job, and no hard work please. I know where happiness can be found, and it's sitting on that plate over there at that fancy restaurant. Why should I do things for myself when I can just get a man to do them for me? I don't need much...I'm getting much better at burping on my own.

It really can be this easy folks, you just have to serial date your way to the top! But let's be smart about it this time, I don't want to end up eating at The Mandarin ever, ever again.

Enter "HiDine" a.k.a. the answer to all my prayers. HiDine (in case you haven't heard) is a website for "female food lovers" but if you read the fine print, it states that "Bruce" has to love picking up the check. Umm..how is this not my dream come true? How did I not come across this GENIUS website sooner? Well Bruce, I can't wait to meet you, because if you love picking up checks, I have a feeling we are going to get along famously. I'm just praying he has a unibrow.

Chivalry is not dead.

This may be tinderfourteen, but I know the gentlemen are still out there somewhere. And I plan to find them and find all that chivalry, and of course, exploit it.

Yours Truly,

SD

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