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I'm a Comedian Who Doesn't Smoke Weed

04/20/2015 05:50 EDT | Updated 06/20/2015 05:59 EDT
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Happy 4/20, you guys! On this day of days I want to take the time to confess something. I write comedy and I don't smoke weed. I know, I'm sorry. It's really disappointing. That's probably one of my most frequently asked questions I get after people find out what I do (or at the very least am trying really really hard to do) This is how the conversation usually goes down:

"So you like do comedy?"

"Yeah."

"Say something funny?"

"Uh, Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo' Drizzle"

"Ha, so like could you get me some weed?"

"Awe, probably not dude, I don't smoke weed."

"Yeahhh...okayyy...sure you don't"

NO! I ACTUALLY DON'T! I get it. I get your doubts. You're looking at this plaid-shirted little weirdo who genuinely loves Harold & Kumar, cheezies and refers to things as being "Tres tres dope!" I so obviously have crafted my life in a way that smoking weed would just be a really natural fit. But it's not and I don't and I feel like I need to apologize. I don't have like a moral issue with it. I've done it, all of my friends do it, and I understand the appeal.

Here's why it doesn't work for me.

1. Being the specific brand of dork that I am, there are some things I just cannot pull off. I do not look cool or natural or relaxed with a joint in my hand. I look like a lost toddler in a Zeller's. Sure, I could put in my Gladwell-style 10,000 hours of joint rolling and become Willie Nelson but I really can't see pigtail braids being a good look for me. As I get a little older I'm realizing sometimes it's totally okay to stay in your lane. Weed is not in my lane.

2. Really my biggest personality draw is that I'm fast. I come up with jokes and riffs really quickly. Only like 30 per cent of the things I say are actually funny (and that's being generous, if you need proof you can check my twitter account) I just come up with such a vast amount of content that people think I'm funnier than I am. If I slow that shit down at all I will just swallow my personality in to my own brain and never say anything and no one will like me. That seems extreme but like trust me on this one. I've tried it out.

3. Steve Martin doesn't smoke weed. He's a cool guy. Dare I say a "wild and crazy guy?"

4. The fear. I know I cultivate a culture of "what the fucks going on?" "how did I get here?" and "someone please guide me because I am a lost puppy dressed as a girl!" but actually the inside of my brain is a big old control freak. Knowing that I could ingest something and that #bossbitch who lives in an Ikea-catalog style condo in my head could take a nap fills me with such anxiety that I do not enjoy any of that time. Let's say you're a high-strung dude who enjoys smoking and uses it as a universal equalizer in social situations, well it has the opposite effect on me. For me it's like "Woo! Fun times, hanging out with my friends, eating pizza!" then a bong is produced and I'm like "HOW DOES ANYONE EVER CONNECT!!! WHAT AM I DOING!!!! DEATH IS RIGHT AROUND THE CORNER!!!" Needless to say smoking is a real buzz kill for me.

5. I truly love crap food, crap movies, and crap conversation. I don't need a performance-enhancing drug to enjoy a giant burrito, "Soul plane", and riffing on how dumb it is that my name is the same forward and backward (like racecar!) I love garbage just naturally!

6. It kinda hurts my feelings when you assume I have to be high to be funny. It really undercuts how hard I work and how much time it's taken for me to learn the skill set that I have. For me, it takes a lot of work and time to create things and to be comfortable with sharing them. So, let me have that! Don't write it off as some flash of genius that came from a high brain. As weird or lazy or silly as it might sound to you that all I do is sit around coming up with funny concepts, or lists or articles, it's my actual job and my actual life so chill out.

I apologize. I wish I could pull it off. I wish I could be that cool girl who rolls in and is like a walking talking Seth Rogen movie. I'm not and I never will be. That being said, blaze on my sweet stoner friends and I will continue to be a happy and healthy repository for booze and pills and together we will ride on into the sunset of social anxiety!

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