LOL at New Year's Resolutions, right guys? I've never really kept one or really tried. It always just seemed like an excuse to do some serious negative self talk about how lazy and unfocused I am. "Hey Hannah you fat, drunk, bad with money, slob fest, get out of bed and eat a kale salad and go to the gym! "(Straight up, that's never gonna happen!)
Then I realized something! I'm a millennial! I was born in the 90's! I'm the centre of the universe! I'm special, and talented, and smart, and deserve everything from this world! (I know that because my head is fully inside my own butt) So that means, It's not me that has the problem with New Years Resolutions, it's resolutions that have a problem with me!
Duh? I can barely get through a full Taylor Swift video without getting bored (okay, that's a teeny lie, I could watch her for hours, I love you Mama Swift!) so how da fuq did anyone expect me to stick with the same goal for the whole year! That is preposterous!
SO, I've designed a fool-proof millennial resolution guide with little nugget sized resolutions every month. I'm basically revolutionizing resolutions. Or shall I say "Resolutionizing"
Happy 2015 Nerds!
1. Gin-uary: This one is easy and delightful. A healthy (unless you are a liver) competition where one sees how many bottles of gin they can ingest in a month. My roommate and I are currently 3 days in to a battle royale against our best friends to see which household can produce the highest number of empty gin bottles. We are for sure winning. This provides you with some jocular family fun as well as making you feel like the queen! Win-Win.
2. Fat-Ass February: It's hibernation season. That means you CAN watch every episode of Friends and eat only butter for a whole month. Bears do it for like 4 months so by limiting it to only a month you're basically a martyr. Amen sister friend!
3. Make-Up March: This is a two-fold resolution month. A double whammy of sorts. The first and probably more fun aspect is literal make-up. Now I don't want anyone to go full Kylie Jenner lips but I will encourage you to go a little smokier with that eyeshadow and a little bolder with that lip. March is a garbage month it's cold and shitty and no one is even looking at you anyways so go wild! The second step is to actually make-up with people. Get out there and rebuild those burnt bridges! Text the friend you haven't seen since patio season, call your brother that you yelled at over Christmas, send an emoji cat witb heart eyes to whoever you think might need it. Honestly, you may as well give it a go. But, remember that if that relationship still feels toxic, or weird, or boring,even after you've made an effort then you can cut and run!
LOL Kylie Lips. RIP innocence.
4. April with Avril: Okay listen closely, borrow your dad's ties, learn three chords on the guitar, become an over night sensation, release a second album that is actually really good, marry a couple different weird Canadian rocker dudes, become huge in Asia, wash, rinse and repeat! But actually, revisit that second album of hers, "Under My Skin", it's pretty boss.
5. Les May-serables!:Get really in to Les Mis for a month. Or, if you're like me, just continue being really in to Les Mis. Watch the movie, listen to the original Broadway recording, listen to the anniversary recording, watch clips of bad high school productions of it on Youtube , host sing-a-long parties, sing "One Day More" at a Karaoke night (which I have in fact done, and was promptly asked to leave the bar), Get that terrible "I'm fantine and I have to sell my hair to save my piece of shit daughter" haircut, steal loaves of bread, you get the picture!
6. Just get rid of it June: You know that baby pink hoodie you wore every day in Grade ten? GET RID OF IT! If you have clothes that are still in good shape donate it to Good Will. If you're a bit of a fashionista take some stuff into a consignment and resale store and they'll give you some dollars for it. If it looks like garbage it probably is just garbage so toss it. Make some room for all dem high-waisted jean shorts you're obviously gonna buy this summer.
7. Stop Ju-Lying!: If you're like in witness protection or some shit you can totally skip this whole month. You've got a lot on your plate. But if you're not and you're like me you're guilty of some shit. The make plans then tell them you got stuck at work? The "sorry I'm just looking at my phone now I didn't see this text til now"? The "ugh Sorry the TTC was so slow/never came/ate my soul"? Any of these lil gems sound familiar? JUST STOP IT! Stop making plans with people you don't want to spend time with. Stop avoiding conflict by putting it off. And leave your house earlier! On this podcast this one time my unofficial Lesbian mama Melissa Ethridge so sagely said that "Honesty is the death of drama" and I just about died. So wise. Mel, you can come to my window whenever you want!
8. Au-ghost Hunter: Step one: download every episode of the Sci-Fi Networks "Ghost Hunters" Step two: literally die from laughing. Step three: become a ghost and haunt everyone's ex-boyfriends because of honour and solidarity.
9. Summer Ain't Over September: You're not in school anymore, summer will end when you damn well please! Dust off that iphone note you made in July with your summer bucket list and hit it hard. Beach days, patio nights, bike rides, camping trips, everything is totally still fair game in September. It's like the opposite of that one awful Green Day song. Don't wake me up when it ends, let's just keep the party jammin'! Also, let's get crazy here people, all white outfits all month. THE MAN HAS NO CONTROL OVER MY WHITE JEANS!!!!!!
10. Sober October: Woof. Patio season took a toll on you, girl. Kudos on your sangria tolerance though, that took work! Let's take a little baby break, clear the system, save some dollars, walk home wearing shoes, etc. Plus, this gives you a very dramatic and lovely opportunity to ,at the stroke of midnight on Halloween, transform back into that famous little Drunkerella we all love so much!
11. No Tinder November: Veterans did NOT fight for your right to swipe right. Clean it up, kids! Atleast have the decency to get a "Plenty of Fish" account or some shiz.
12. Dairy December: So, I just referenced my notes and I think this was supposed to be "diary December" and we we're supposed to like start a blog, or a journal, or like a youtube channel. But, I misspelled diary in my notes and now that I'm seeing that its "dairy December" I'm like kind of in to it. Let's just eat a lot of cheese in December. We deserve it!
So? Who's with me? Let's raise our gin and tonics high and cheers to a spiffy 2015 dudes!
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