If you've recently entered into a marriage, naturally, the next thing people tend to ask is when you plan on starting a family. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes such and such pushing a baby carriage, right? A seemingly natural progression for most, but not everyone is on the same timeline. Increasingly so, we 30-somethings are veering away from parenthood altogether.
There are plenty of people like me advocating alternative lifestyles and being true to one self when the topic of family planning arises. More than ever, women are choosing not to have children -- an ever-growing statistic we see published a lot these days. Fortunately some of these women have taken on the brave task of explaining their choices to the public, thus giving a voice to those of us unsure about motherhood. But why should they?
Why is it always women who have to explain their choice not to have children? Are men prodded with the same line of questioning and expected to explain this choice like women are, or is it perfectly natural for men to feel unsure about fatherhood?
As a newlywed (like, really newly wed) I find it odd that most people direct that question at me. As if to say it's solely up to me or my husband has no say in the matter? Going forward, I'm going to suggest that all inquiries involving the utility of my uterus go directly to my husband. I'm tired of crafting clever responses.
In related news, it occurred to me while reading a review for Jessica Valenti's new book Why Have Kids? that it's uncommon for people to ask new parents why they decided to start a family in the first place.
Is this an inappropriate line of questioning? Should it be assumed that people who choose to be parents have always dreamt of having a family? I thought about surveying the small segment of my friends who have children already, but I suspected I wouldn't get the most authentic answers, so I put it out to the Twitterverse. Here's what I got:
"I like the idea of a full dinner table at Christmas."
"I honestly have no answer to this question. It just happened."
"I can't imagine not having grandchildren one day."
"I never really questioned it, I just accepted it."
"I always knew I wanted to be a mother."
I was compelled to write about this, not because I'm sick of people asking me when I intend to launch into motherhood -- although, it is getting old -- but because I'm curious if parents or parents-to-be find it rude or intrusive when people question their choice to start a family. Isn't it the same as asking a childless woman in her 30s why she's decided to skip out on child rearing? Or is it a more sensitive topic?
I'd love to hear what you think. Post a comment and let me know your thoughts.
Follow Heather Magee on Twitter: www.twitter.com/urbancowgirl
I have a theory that there is a grandparental urge that ticks as strong as the so-called "biological clock".
When people reach a certain age the longing for grandchildren becomes irresistable but we are powerless to bring that about except for the bugging.
Please stay in control of "the utility of [your] uterus"
Oh and Congratulations on the marriage! (did you do a traditional or modern wedding?)
I think people are very smart these days but often overlook the obvious. This isn't a philosophical question but a biological one. You are hardwired to reproduce. You have chosen not to. Ok. The choice likely bothers you a great deal more than it bothers the people trying to be nice and make small talk. If you wore a Vancouver Canucks sweater to work people would talk to you about hockey, the NHL strike, and some player on the team. They would look at you oddly if you said you weren't interested in hockey at all.
Mating is about procreation. Your union isn't about procreation. You are sending confusing signals to people and then getting confused by their responses. To top that all off in time your signals may change. We often feel differently about many choices at various stages of life.
We are unable to act as stewards of this earth and we will be passing them pretty much nothing of worth.
This just goes to show westerners don't think collectively, or long term. Here are my reasons.
1. So my genes have a chance to be passed on. The more children I have, the better the odds.
2. To boost the worldwide population of Chinese/Asians people like me. Ethnic and racial strength in numbers.
People like Valenti (a feminist, surprise surprise) want you to have less kids because they think "the environment" is a valid reason to ignore genetic competition and ethnic survival. This would make sense if all humans participated, but they don't. Just you. Coupled with multiculturalism, it is little wonder the West will soon be overtaken by outsiders.
The world needs more people like you, these boards in particular.