Two weeks ago, my life went to shambles. After years spent basking in the cold glow of life as a Slytherin, I logged into the new Pottermore to re-affirm my life choices and destiny. I passed up the chance to stick with my old house, confident fate would deal me a winning hand, and proceeded to take the quiz. With every answer I gave, I whispered "Slytherin" (yes, like a snake), and awaited the results I intended on bragging about on the Internet.
And then I was sorted into Gryffindor. And I lost my identity.
Understandably, the emotional fall-out of his realization was bleak. Yes, I embody all the great traits that defined everyone from McGonagall to H.P. himself (duh), but I’d always seen Gryffindors as the athletes too excited about school pep rallies. I’m the kid who sits at the back of the class making fun of the jocks — I can’t actually be one.
But then I remembered that McGonagall can turn into a cat, and Hermione held that damn house together, so there might actually be hope for me yet. And then I began thinking about fashion (duh) and beauty (of course) and realized that if I can’t control the outcome of Pottermore, I can control the way I think everyone should dress.
Why? Because I told you. I’m Slytherin. And we like to keep everyone looking sharp.
So let’s start here (I guess). Brave, mighty, into reds and oranges — basically, imagine what a lion would wear, and that’s where we’re at. Which makes this easy:
Top: Le Fou Oversize turtleneck sweater, $99.99. Bottoms: Levi’s Wedgie Fit jeans, $88. Shoes: Adidas Sam Smiths, $140.
Think fashion and function, especially since we all know any Gryffindor in the game needs to be comfortable while saving the world as we know it. Also, let’s admit what we all already know: of all the houses, Gryffindor would gravitate towards the minimalist trends most. So where Ravenclaw would spur them, Slytherin would be monochromatic, and Hufflepuff would channel their inner Cher Horowitz, Gryffs would pick up the new Levis, drape themselves in a sweater, and avoid blisters forever and ever, amen.
Imagine trying to inflict one of our trends onto a Slytherin. Imagine the rejection we would face. Imagine the disgust. Okay, now stop. Because we can focus instead on their (probable) style and live in awe, as I do of anyone who’s been sorted into this house.
Top: Club Monaco Hylda ruched top, $169.50. Bottoms: Zara faux leather leggings, $45.90. Shoes: Frye Tabitha Harness short boots, $488.
It’s true: this outfit is fantastic. Part Bellatrix, part Draco Malfoy (dude’s living in motorcycle boots somewhere, let’s face it), the Slytherin vibe connotes true badassery by flaunting its witch-centricness instead of playing them down. Will you scare the general public and anybody on the bus? Well, obviously. But as stated best by Nancy in "The Craft," to any haters you just say: "We are the weirdos, mister."
I know we all joke a lot about Hufflepuff, but let’s be honest with ourselves and everybody we love: they’re fine. In fact, they’re better than us because they all just want to go to school, try their best, and compete in the Tri-Wizard Tournament. Let’s lay off Hufflepuffs. Especially since their style is just fine, thank you.
Top: Sportmax two-toned pink, brown, and feathered sweater, $149.30.
Bottoms: ASOS Leather mini skirt, $126.33. Shoes: Aldo high-tops, $120.
See? Trendy, but not trendy to the point of any of us being alarmed. Hufflepuffs like what they like — they don’t over-think, and while they obviously put thought into their day-to-day aesthetic, they’re not going to condemn trendiness that way some of us (Slytherin) would, since having fun with clothes is as important to style as instilling fear. Just keep the feathers to a minimum.
It’s getting academic in here. These are the leaders of tomorrow; the problem-solvers and academics who, while key to the undoing of Voldemort, landed jobs at Google immediately after. They dress clean and they dress casual, and we’re all jealous of how well they’ve mastered uniform dressing.
Top: Banana Republic sequin herringbone tank, $69.99. Bottoms: AE black skinny jeans, $54.69. Shoes: Dune London lace-up oxfords, $48.65.
See? Efficient dressing. Business casual, if “business casual” didn’t make you want to fall asleep. Ravenclaw knows its vibe, doesn’t stray from what they know works, and comes off looking like a total pro -- even if, like Luna, somebody has taken their shoes. (And honestly who can blame them because you will never seen Ravenclaw wearing any shoe that isn’t something you will for sure pick up over the next school break, let’s be real.)
Just kidding. We’re all a disgrace and we wish we went to Hogwarts. But we don’t, so all we have is a piece that tells the world, "Look, I’m a witch and/or wizard, I swear."
Dress: Babaton Jacorey dress, $115.
See?
No one at Hogwarts actually wears it, but we can pretend and no one can take our dreams away from us. FIN.
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