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Jennifer Weedon Palazzo Headshot

What My Husband ISN'T Getting For Father's Day

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Once again, Father's Day has completely snuck up on me. Yeah, yeah, I know it comes the second Sunday in June every year. But, see, I'm too busy being a MOTHER to have time to remember such things. So, I scramble yet again to find a meaningful, useful, and CHEAP Father's Day gift for my husband.

What I know he really wants.... A blowjob.

But Father's Day is in JUNE. When school is out and kids are home. Wait until they nap? Ha, ha. That's funny. Kids napping. Wait until they are in bed? I'm too wrecked at that point to do anything other than pass out myself. Oh, and I'm currently eight months pregnant. So, if by some miracle, we do find a few moments of privacy, there's no position that this aching large-bellied body will contort into that is conducive to mouth to genital contact.

What he wants... An iPad.

He's too polite to come out and ask for one directly but he has been hinting. He works long hours and travels most of the time to support our family. I'm the one that manages the monthly budget. And there are a lot of things that need to get paid before I do any shopping at The Apple Store. Like, oh, doctor's bills and car loans. And if he did own an iPad, it's lifetime would be cut short as soon as juice was spilled on it while my son gets to level two-zillion of Angry Birds.

What he wants... A membership to a monthly massage club.

One has just opened up in our neighborhood. First of all, see: the primary reason he isn't getting an iPad. Secondly, I can give him massages for free at home. (Except I don't... because I'm too tired and pregnant.)

What he wants... A day off work, family time, and me to be happy.

THAT I can do. As a mostly-traveling dad, he really values the few times we do something as a family. Even if that's weeding the yard followed by a pizza. And it really bothers him to see me uncomfortable from this new bun in the oven and stressed out over money or schedules. He's a great dad. And so we'll spend the day telling him so, joking around, and having a care-free time. Because that's what is so rare around here.

What are you getting YOUR husband for Father's Day?