In ordinary circumstances, random bouts of condom non-use among celebrity couples will rarely make national news -- unless, of course, the news source is TMZ or, as the Halfiax Herald's Bruce McKinnon hilariously imagined, the Pope's Twitter account. Or a Canadian newspaper.
Canada, after all, is a constitutional monarchy, the only system of government where carefully monitoring the bedroom habits of a certain pair of celebs isn't just vicarious titillation, it's a requisite component of citizenship! Thus, in the aftermath of Monday's big announcement of Duchess Kate's impending baby bump, all of Canada's major papes quickly churned out lead editorials welcoming our beloved fetal monarch-to-be.
And lots of Kate pics. For purely constitutional reasons, of course.
"A heartfelt congratulations to Will and Kate," cheers the National Post editorial board. Good monarchists that they are (well, aside from Jon Kay), the Posties are stoked that the royal fetus will no doubt prolong the "happy spell" of positive press that the Windsors have been getting lately, what with all the weddings and Jubliees and such. Sure, they concede, some cynics might argue this system of picking heads of state by womb lottery isn't really the most "rational way to run a country," but who cares about them! "There will soon be an outpouring of cheesy Royal memorabilia," they gush excitedly.
This plump young babe will indeed be a fine "royal treat," agrees the Calgary Herald not at all creepily. Obviously they'll be cool with any "healthy infant, regardless of its gender" but just imagine if Kate had a multiple birth! "Wouldn't that be the icing on the cake?" they drool, mandibles rubbing in anticipation.
But royal pregnancies aren't just about commemorative booties and endlessly debating whether Catherine should just get over her morning sickness and stop being such a dainty little, uh, princess. There are also profound political implications to this birth, right, Globe and Mail?
Oh my yes. Last year, they note, the various Commonwealth prime ministers "agreed to end the archaic rules that give male children priority over female children as heirs to the throne and prevent those heirs from marrying Roman Catholics" (and who said the Commonwealth was useless!). But get this: under Commonwealth law, each separate nation in the Queenosphere still has to individually "adopt legislation to that effect" too, and no one has! Not even St. Vincent and the Grenadines, who are usually so good about this sort of thing.
Yeah, "Canada needs to get moving" fast and fix these "unfair" rules agrees the Toronto Star. I mean, just imagine what a tragedy it would be for a nice little Catholic girl to be excluded from the royal family simply on the basis of her gender and religion, when we all know the only just basis of royal discrimination is not having the right kind of magical blood.
Anyway, point is, in a constitutional monarchy like ours, royalty matters, which means every little random thing royalty does matters, too.
So remember: next time you're thinking impure thoughts about Kate's hot bod or gawking at Wills' ever-expanding bald spot, you're not a creepo -- you're a patriot!
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<strong>FAMILY TREE</strong>: Queen Elizabeth II (a.k.a. Elizabeth Alexandra Mary), Queen of the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth and Prince William's grandmother. <strong>MEANING:</strong> <em><a href="http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/0/Alexandra" target="_blank">Alexandra is of Greek origin and means ‘man’s defender.’</a> </em> WHY WE LIKE IT: When it comes to betting on royal baby names, Alexandra is a frontrunner, and it’s no wonder why. The classic name favours royal tradition. The <a href="ttp://www.thestar.com/news/world/2013/04/11/princess_alexandra_royal_baby_name_bets_surge.html" target="_blank">Queen’s great-grandmother was named Alexandra</a>. Also, Princess Alexandra, the only current royal household member to bear the name, is a cousin of the Queen and is <a href="http://www.cbc.ca/news/world/story/2013/05/02/f-royal-baby-name.html" target="_blank">known as a hard worker</a>; she carried out <a href="http://www.examiner.com/article/princess-alexandra-is-sick-cancels-engagements" target="_blank">110 engagements in 2012</a>.
<strong>FAMILY TREE</strong>: James Middleton, Kate Middleton's brother. <strong>MEANING</strong>: <em><a href="http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/1/James" target="_blank">The name James means ‘he who supplants’ and is of Hebrew origin. </a></em> <strong>WHY WE LIKE IT</strong>: James is a favourite among the common people. In a YouGov poll of 1,800 people, a whopping <a href="http://www.firstpost.com/world/queen-victoria-or-king-james-peoples-choice-for-royal-baby-name-954263.html" target="_blank">19 per cent favoured James for a baby boy</a>.
<strong>FAMILY TREE</strong>: Harry, Prince of Wales (a.k.a. Henry Charles Albert David) and Prince William's brother. <strong>MEANING</strong>: <em><a href="http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/1/David" target="_blank">David has Hebrew origins and means ‘beloved.’</a></em> <strong>WHY WE LIKE IT:</strong> David Beckham <a href="http://www.mirror.co.uk/news/uk-news/royal-baby-name-david-beckham-2054439" target="_blank">suggested his name might be a good fit for Will and Kate’s first child</a>. The soccer star is pretty much British royalty, so who are we to argue?
<strong>FAMILY TREE: </strong>Philippa (Pippa) Charlotte Middleton, Kate’s younger sister. <strong>MEANING</strong>:<em> <a href="http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/0/Charlotte" target="_blank">Charlotte, of Old German origins, means ‘free man.’</a></em> <strong>WHY WE LIKE IT</strong>: Charlotte is <a href="http://www.gmanetwork.com/news/story/317775/showbiz/showbizabroad/royals-waiting-by-telephone-for-kate-s-baby" target="_blank">another favourite in betting circles for obvious reasons</a>. This name has historical royal ties -- Queen Charlotte was King George III’s wife – and it’s still quite popular today, according to online baby name guide Nameberry. It <a href="http://nameberry.com/blog/girl-names-2013-our-100-most-popular-so-far#more-26046" target="_blank">earned second place on the site’s annual ranking</a>, and parents love its “feminine yet grownup” feel.
<strong>FAMILY TREE:</strong> Queen Elizabeth II, Queen of the United Kingdom and the Commonwealth and Prince William's grandmother. <strong>MEANING:</strong> <a href="http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/0/Elizabeth#qwA1pvxW5c1iTKTx.99"><em>Elizabeth is of Hebrew origin and means God's promise or God is my oath.</em></a> <strong>WHY WE LIKE IT: </strong> Why wouldn't you want to be named after one of the most powerful women in the United Kingdom? Even though sources report that the couple has decided to use <a href="http://hollywoodlife.com/2012/06/11/prince-william-kate-middleton-baby-plans-name-princess-diana/">Elizabeth as one of two middle names</a>, Elizabeth not only honours the baby's great grandmother, but Kate Middleton's middle name is Elizabeth as well.
<strong>FAMILY TREE:</strong> King George VI was King of the United Kingdom from 1936 to 1952. <strong>MEANING:</strong> <a href="http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/1/George#zuPdDDIpXvFRlxtj.99">Originally of Greek origin, the meaning of George is "farmer". Also there is the story of Saint George, a knight who became the patron saint of England and achieved legendary status after his struggle with a fire-breathing dragon.</a> <strong>WHY WE LIKE IT: </strong> Besides being a dragon slayer, the name George <a href="http://www.britroyals.com/royaltree.htm">goes back to the Royal family's history books since 1660</a>. George VI was also the last male figure in power — this title currently belongs to Queen Elizabeth II.
<strong>FAMILY TREE:</strong> Princess Diana, The Princess of Wales and Prince William's mother. <strong>MEANING:</strong> <em><a href="http://babynamesworld.parentsconnect.com/meaning_of_Diana.html">Diana is derived from either an Indo-European root meaning 'divine' or from the Latin word 'diviana.'</a></em> <strong>WHY WE LIKE IT: </strong> After Princess Diana's tragic car crash in 1997, Diana would be a wonderful tribute to remember Lady Di. Again, sources say the couple plan on using Diana as a middle name, but we would love to see Diana used as the first name.
<strong>FAMILY TREE:</strong> Prince William, Duke of Cambridge and father. <strong>MEANING:</strong><em> <a href="http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/1/William#kRsY6f1d4xSc9wCW.99">William is of Old German origin and means protection.</a></em> <strong>WHY WE LIKE IT: </strong> Maybe a reason to follow in his father's footsteps, William Jr. may be a suitable name if the couple had a baby boy. Prince William has always been known for his <a href="http://www.biography.com/people/prince-william-9542068">good grades, his love for sports and being a philanthropist.</a>
<strong>FAMILY TREE:</strong> Princess Margaret, Countess of Snowdon, was Queen Elizabeth's sister. <strong>MEANING:</strong> <a href="http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/0/Margaret#TXLuZUx8EPt4sFuw.99"><em> Margaret is of Greek origin and means pearl.</em></a> <strong>WHY WE LIKE IT: </strong> Keeping it in the family, we like that fact that Princess Margaret was the Queen's youngest and only sibling. Margaret lived a life of controversy when it came to her love life and divorce, but <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/obituaries/1384429/H-R-H-The-Princess-Margaret.html">she was remembered for her affection and love for her family</a>, according to The Telegraph. Plus, so many good nickname possibilities!
<strong>FAMILY TREE:</strong> Princess Diana's mother's name was Frances Shand Kydd. <strong>MEANING:</strong><em> <a href="http://babynamesworld.parentsconnect.com/meaning_of_Frances.html"> Frances, which comes from old French, means to be free.</a></em> <strong>WHY WE LIKE IT: </strong> Another way to keep a grandmother's name in the family, authors have described her as <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-305277/Tragic-life-Frances-Shand-Kydd.html#ixzz2DM6a2WrQ">"certainly complicated" but also "funny, warm, intelligent and energetic,"</a> according to The Daily Mail. We also like this name because it could be used both for a baby girl or boy.
<strong>FAMILY TREE:</strong> Queen Victoria <a href="http://www.guardian.co.uk/uk/2011/may/12/queen-elizabeth-second-longest-reigning-monarch">spent 63 years on the throne. </a> <strong>MEANING:</strong> <em><a href="http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/0/Victoria">Victoris of Latin origin and means victory.</a></em> <strong>WHY WE LIKE IT: </strong> Queen Victoria continues to be the family's longest reigning monarch and the longest reigning female in power. As a child, she was known as a "patient rebel" — <a href="http://www.bbc.co.uk/history/british/victorians/queen_victoria_01.shtml">always aiming to be "good" but also very strong-minded, </a>according to Professor Lynne Vallone.
<strong>FAMILY TREE:</strong> Charles, Prince of Wales, father of Prince William. <strong>MEANING:</strong><a href="http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/1/Charles#m61zdhqFAc4ViKV8.99"><em> The name is Old German and means free man.</em></a> <strong>WHY WE LIKE IT:</strong> Staying true to a father-son bond, royal sources have said that Prince William has <a href="http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/uknews/theroyalfamily/8165275/Prince-William-Let-my-father-become-King.html">been very supportive of his father and that they share a closer relationship</a>, according to the Telegraph. Who knows, maybe this is a trait that will continue with Prince William's son.
<strong>FAMILY TREE:</strong> Actually, this name isn't in the family — but it could be. <strong>MEANING:</strong> <em><a href="http://babynamesworld.parentsconnect.com/meaning_of_Jason.html">Jason means the healer.</a></em> <strong>WHY WE LIKE IT: </strong> It may not be part of the Royal family's family tree just yet, but "Fledgling Jason Steed" is <a href="http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-2162555/Prince-William-30-things-know-Duke-marks-30th-birthday.html">one of Prince William's favourite books, according to The Daily Mail</a>. The story follows an 11-year-old boy named Jason Steed who is destined to save himself and his country from a nuclear threat.
<strong>FAMILY TREE:</strong> Okay, we're throwing this one out there but hear us out. <strong>MEANING:</strong> Smythe is <a href="http://www.thinkbabynames.com/meaning/1/Smythe#JcjQC8yGuqc40VS4.99">Old English for 'blacksmith.'</a> <strong>WHY WE LIKE IT: </strong> Kate Middleton has been seen donning a Canadian-made <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2012/07/31/kate-middleton-olympic-outfit_n_1723426.html">Smythe blazer several times</a>, including during the 2012 London Olympic Games. And who doesn't like the sound of Smythe for a baby girl? At least it doesn't rhyme easily.
Back row, third from left.
Front and center.
Speaking of hereditary birthright, Justin Trudeau's been back in the news lately following some controversial statements he made the other day.
Yeah, you're right, I probably should clarify.
We may recall that way back in the distant past (ie; October) there used to be a thing in this country called the "gun registry." Justin Trudeau voted in favour of it!
But wait! Last Friday he recanted his vote and said the thing "was a failure!" Flip!
But then on Monday he said he'd eagerly "vote again" to keep it! Flop!
And now, as of yesterday, he's apparently totally against it once again. Double-Flip!
In a testament to just how many gun control positions JT's taken over the last six days, the nation's editorial pages are really all over the place with this story. Apparently it's difficult to write a conclusive column about Justin's beliefs when Justin himself insists on simultaneously co-inhabiting several distinct dimensions of alternate reality.
In the National Post, for example, Chris Selley is pleased with Justin, but only because he clearly wrote his column some point after the first flip but before the latter two flops, allowing Chris to praise J-Tru for his willingness "to use his frontrunner position to blow some stuff up" and challenge his party's conventional wisdom on gun control, "rather than coast to victory." Ditto for folks on the other side, such as the Star's Chantal Hebert, who frets about Trudeau's disgraceful (as of Sunday) efforts to distance himself from his party's "prouder past."
More recent columns, however, such as Tuesday's snippy offering from the Sun's Lorne Gunter, seem, for some reason, just a tad more exasperated.
The man is a "dunce," he growls. Justin's "flip-flopped and backtracked, rescinded, reasserted and contradicted himself," so many times it's now "impossible to know whether there is even a kernel of intelligent thought in his gun policy." Or his entire pretty skull, for that matter
Indeed, agrees Kelly McParland in the Post. At this point pretty much no one has a reason to be happy: "Liberals," he notes, "have to wonder what else he'll throw overboard," while non-Libs "have to wonder if he believes anything he says, and will stick by it."
On the other hand, he does have the magic blood.
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